Saturday, January 16, 2010

Preemptive Sadness

I am struggling tonight. I think it's my mind's way of preparing my heart for failure. Failure of the cycle, failure of immune treatments in general, and failure of adoption.

I wouldn't classify it as depression. But I am overwhelmingly just SAD. The littlest thing brings me to tears. I also had a rough morning, with the Infertility Support Group meeting. It was a good meeting, just very draining. And it left me wondering if what I'm doing (or trying to do) with this cross is actually making any difference at all.

I am honestly dreading testing. I wish I didn't have to. It's unlikely that I would even get a positive at 10dpo, anyway, and I just don't feel like starting out my day with a BFN and then going to celebrate Mass for my grandmother whom I miss so much it hurts. I can't believe it's been a year.

In all of this sadness, I do feel God. I know He hurts with me, and for me. I feel His presence, which I haven't always felt in my despair through the years. It is comforting to know He has a plan for me. I fully trust in that. I guess it's my lack of current understanding for the situation we are in right now that is reaping in the tears. But just thinking that one day I may be given insight into His divine will gives me hope.

Lord, please use my sadness. Accept it as my offering for someone else's peace of heart. Someone who is truly in despair. Someone who has nowhere to turn, and does not feel Your presence. At least then I'll feel useful.

19 comments:

Life In Mazes said...

Please know that I will say some extra prayers for you tonight and tomorrow! There is a lot of pressure for it to all work out, being the day that it is.

Sometimes after losing someone, you learn that the pain never goes away, you just learn to anticipate meeting them again in heaven.

In all of your writing about your grandmother, it is clear that she was a woman of deep faith and lived her life here on earth sharing her love with you! I am certain you are still the apple of her eye and she is spending her heaven doing good on earth too, just like Saint Therese.

Saint Anne, pray for my friend TCIE. She is desiring to be a mother, just as much as you desired motherhood. Bring her prayers to the throne of God!

K and T said...

Our entire journey has had so many... questions.... Even our rock solid, (older and more seasoned), Christian friends have said WHY? WHY?" on our behalf.....
I firmly believe that HE will bring glory and blessing beyond our imagination.
He will.
We need to trust that no matter what our circumstances tell us - HE is bigger than all of it.
Regardless of medical tests and adoption agencies and home study providers.
HE is BIGGER.
You rest in Him.
Also, God has a way of connecting people in the strangest ways.......I have several great contacts that I will gladly pass along.
From Home Study providers to attorneys, literally across the country.
xo
K.

Ann - Building a Nest said...

LIM got it right - there is so much pressure on you and you are wanting to protect your heart. I know that "it's now or never" feeling and I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to start off an already sad day with a bfn (though it could go the other way). Very understandable.

Grandma is praying for you as are we.

Chasing said...

I've been thinking about you so much lately. I'm sorry this is so hard, yet I am very VERY hopeful for you!

barbie said...

praying for you and thinking of you! I'm so sorry you are down. LIM said it all so perfectly!......Please know that we are all "here" for you!

callmemama said...

Still praying for you and hoping that you get good news on the adoption front!

mrsblondies said...

Praying for you, and LIM definitely said it perfectly. We are "here" for you and praying a lot.

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

Praying for you. We are united in our sadness.

prayerfuljourney said...

Praying for you! I like what K an T said "He is bigger"...trust in Him...when it's His time for you to have one of His children..you will.

Nicole said...

I don't know if this will help or not, but feel like I have to share. The night before my beta for our last IUI, I had a complete emotional breakdown. I didn't want to go to my blood test, I just wanted to wait and see and let God tell me. I wanted to be find out in a NORMAL way. I didn't want another confirmation that I was a failure as a mother yet again. But once I talked it our with my DH, I realized I am not normal, and I am not a failure. I went to my beta, and wouldn't you know it, that was my first ever positive. My message from God that the answer was not "No". I found out later the answer is "Not Now", but I draw comfort in the fact that still the answer isn't "No".

WheelbarrowRider said...

I agree with the earlier comments-it is def self-preservation and pressure for that day, etc and God is bigger. As far as testing, of course you don't have to test, I would do whatever will bother you least. Maybe don't start your day that way, but end it? Only you will know what will help. Prayers!

Mrs. Mike said...

I'm sorry TCIE. I know this feeling you describe. You are so wise to just pour yourself out and offer all of it to the Lord.

JellyBelly said...

I continue to pray for you A. I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time right now.

Chasing said...

Offered the graces from the Mass and reception of Holy Communion for you today.

Sew said...

I'm going to keep praying rosaries for you! :)

I can only imagine the stock that is riding on this 5 follicle, intralipid and everything else cycle!

WheelbarrowRider said...

offering up my wicked illness for you!

LifeHopes said...

Your soul is so pure and beautiful, A.

I have been praying a LOT for all of this. I KNOW there is a BIG huge blessing(s) at the end of this road for you and I'm praying he or she comes soon. We don't know which way your little one will come to you, but I know he or she will because you have a vocation for motherhood.

I KNOW that God is going to move all these mountains out of the way for you, just like He has done for others. Whether it is the "mountain" in front of this home study, or the "mountain" that is causing IF, I know He will move it. Who knows, maybe, just to demonstrate His sovereignty, He will move them BOTH!

xoxo

Cecilia said...

I am praying so hard for you....so genuinely hard. I can tell you for a fact that the things you have done with this cross (that I have seen) have made such a difference to me (and I'm sure to others as well.) I know I mentioned AYWH's blog as being the first I found, but yours is amazing too. To share your struggle with strangers and help them feel a little less lonely on this journey and to be a witness to faith through all of it - it's such an incredible gift you give that I can't even put it into words. And then to additionally, despite your own pain, offer yourself and your faith IRL to people through the support group and as a Creighton practitioner. It's just so..... generous. I never know what to say b/c I usually feel like there's nothing TO say about so much that goes on w/ IF. But I have to let you know that you absolutely, without doubt, made a difference for me and I'm confident that that's true for others. I don't know what will happen with the test, but I am praying with all my might for you to have the peace you need and the blessing you deserve.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

So many amazing things have already been said...but just know that I am praying for you. I saw you note on FB about your grandmother's mass, it sounded beautiful!