I am over it. I lamented the night before (Tuesday) and the day of the BFN (yesterday, 13dpo), but I am really just all done with the stress. Tuesday also marked the day of a HORRIBLE fight with MIL (all passive-aggressive crap).
I'm still really determined to do everything possible before giving up. And I can't very well throw my hands up in the air and surrender after only 1 cycle of immune treatment. Especially with the holidays approaching, and absolutely NO CHANCE that any calls will be made for matches on the adoption front (since, HA HA, we're not worthy of adopting).
So with the BFN, I called my NaPro Dr to harass her for a more aggressive treatment. She did a cycle review with me, which was so nice since I called her in the middle of a work day, and went through recent blood work with a fine-tooth comb. Everything looked perfect. But then, she went back to compare my DHEA results to one from last year. The recent ones were low (which is desirable in women with PCOS- this is one of the hormones like testosterone, that PCOSers tend to make a lot of), but the ones from last year were bigger by hundreds. So, she thinks they may be a little "too" low, because aside from ovarian tissue making DHEA, adrenal glands also make them (following so far?) - so chronic stress could have lead to these low DHEA results, and not just my ovarian wedge resection/Metformin therapy.
So, she wants me to start a LOW dose of DHEA supplements, 5 mgs per day.
She also said that there is the possibility of upping the dose of Femara to try to boost the strength of the ovulation a little more. We're going from 25 mgs (10 tabs) to 30 mgs (12 tabs) this month. Yay!
My Vitamin D was "as high as it can get!" according to her, so I came home to look at the bottle of it (I had been taking 1,000 units until she told me to up it a few months ago to 2,000 units based on some b/w results that were less than optimal...)
Well, I must have bought 2,000 units and not remembered, because for as long as I can remember, I've been popping TWO PILLS every day. In other words, thinking I was taking 2,000 units, I've really been taking 4,000 units of Vitamin D each day!! Lmbo, no wonder they were through the roof high!!
Finally, she said that she'd recommend I stick to the hematologist's recommendation of 60 mgs of Lovenox 2 x day all cycle. What I did last cycle was 40 mgs 2 x day pre-Peak (Dr Kwak-Kim's protocol) and 60 mgs 2 x day post-Peak (hematologist's protocol). What stinks is my insurance only covers 20 syringes of the 60 mgs, while they cover 30 syringes of 40 mgs... but, maybe this is why we live in an apartment attached to my in-laws' house... so we can afford to get pregnant even if it means spending our entire yearly salaries on it!!
Then I called and left a message for Dr. Kwak-Kim. She is out of the country this week, but I left a message to see if she wants me to start prednisone this cycle. (Many of her patients take this, and I'm not quite sure for what, but it's supposed to help something... and it's much cheaper than IVIg, which I do not need thank God.)
I am on a mission. I looked at the calendar today and you will NOT believe this (I couldn't make this up if I tried): my NEXT TWO test dates, at 14dpo, are Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Eve. No joke.
So, yeah, sucks about the BFN, and a smarter woman than I would probably realize that this means I can't get pregnant. Ever. But I'm not willing to give up... not yet...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Had it Out
I had it out with God yesterday. Right after I had it out with DH.
The fight with DH was over money (what else) and his lack of getting paid, and it left me screaming, crying, hyperventilating, and snotting all over the place.
When I finally calmed down about an hour later, I realized this wasn't about the money. This was about so much more. This was about God.
I came out from my bathroom (DH had left), and sat in my living room where I have a crucifix on 1 wall, a painting of Mary holding a baby lamb and baby Jesus on the other wall. I started crying again, looked up at the crucifix and said, "I am so mad at you." As soon as the words left my mouth, the guilt (and irony) set in. Imagine that? ME, saying to Jesus dying on the cross, put on that cross because of MY SINS, I am mad at YOU???
Though the guilt was there, the regret was not. I felt mad. I needed Him to know that. I looked across the room at Mary. I said the same thing to her. "I am mad at you and your son." I continued, "I don't WANT to be mad. And I still love you with every ounce of my being. But I just don't understand."
From then on, everything I've been burying deep inside just shot straight up, and out of my lips. I told them (Jesus and Mary, that is) that I felt worthless, that they didn't trust me with life. I said I couldn't understand how they could trust others with life when they throw it away, and then completely ignore my repeated pleading for life. I told them it didn't make sense to give life to those who have struggled for SO LONG, via pregnancy or adoption, and then take that life away. Why?? Why did He do that to such good people?
I told Him I felt neglected, as if He was waiting for me to say some magic words or do some wonderful action before He blesses me the way He has recently blessed others who have carried this cross. Why not me? What more do I have to do?
I cried to them about how in my heart I felt that the CT was going to keep me forever barren. So I yelled at them for "punishing" me with this disease, when others who make all kinds of horrible sins and show no repentance for them are still able to conceive.
I sobbed about my inability to adopt. I asked them why? Why would He call both me and my husband to adoption, why give us all the signs of when, how, and which agency to work with, when we would only be denied in the end? And if one day we are miraculously approved, why put us through that to begin with? Hadn't we experienced enough rejection at Your Hands before having to be rejected from adopting one of Your unwanted children?
I asked them why they thought I'd be such a horrible mother, because to me, this was the only explanation for withholding life from me at this point. I've become a Practitioner. I'm halfway done becoming an RDMS. What, is there more?? Do you want me to run for freaking President of the US? Well, I'm sorry, but I'm done.
And then I cried for how my anger has changed my perception of this cross. I told them, look, I have ALWAYS viewed infertility as a blessing. And now? I am beginning to resent it. I do not see it as a blessing right now, but a curse. How am I supposed to sit through an entire banquet hearing stories about women who plan to kill their babies, and view a non-stop slideshow of picture after picture of babies, and not feel cursed??? (DH called that slideshow the "All Torture, All the Time Channel." He kept saying, "Aaaaaaaaand, here's another one. And another! Look, look how easy it is to get pregnant!")
Finally, I dug in my heels like a little kid throwing a tantrum, and told them I refused to continue helping people because I no longer know how to. I have reached a point of resentment and bitterness, and I am not going to keep "putting on a happy face" for the Infertility Support Group, or for my Creighton Model infertility clients.
Of course, I knew (and He knew) that was bologna.
But just like a child throwing a tantrum, after getting it all out I did feel better. And I can't help but think that I am more like a toddler in God's eyes than I realize. I know this point has been made before (maybe by AYWH?), but when a child screams and carries on that they want ice cream for breakfast, or they don't want to go to sleep at night, the parents who say "No" are not neglecting their children, but rather doing what is best for them. And the "No" is not an everlasting "No." Just like with the ice cream, the child may be able to have ice cream after dinner that same day. And instead of staying up all night, the child will be well-rested and be able to stay awake for the next day's adventures.
I get it. Really.
But I just need a little glimpse of understanding here. If God could just tell me, "Not now, but later, and this is why..." I would feel so much better. Or, if the answer is no, you were not called to be a mother in this life, please just let me know why. I cannot go through the rest of my life being mad at God. I just can't.
Man. Infertility really SUCKS.
The fight with DH was over money (what else) and his lack of getting paid, and it left me screaming, crying, hyperventilating, and snotting all over the place.
When I finally calmed down about an hour later, I realized this wasn't about the money. This was about so much more. This was about God.
I came out from my bathroom (DH had left), and sat in my living room where I have a crucifix on 1 wall, a painting of Mary holding a baby lamb and baby Jesus on the other wall. I started crying again, looked up at the crucifix and said, "I am so mad at you." As soon as the words left my mouth, the guilt (and irony) set in. Imagine that? ME, saying to Jesus dying on the cross, put on that cross because of MY SINS, I am mad at YOU???
Though the guilt was there, the regret was not. I felt mad. I needed Him to know that. I looked across the room at Mary. I said the same thing to her. "I am mad at you and your son." I continued, "I don't WANT to be mad. And I still love you with every ounce of my being. But I just don't understand."
From then on, everything I've been burying deep inside just shot straight up, and out of my lips. I told them (Jesus and Mary, that is) that I felt worthless, that they didn't trust me with life. I said I couldn't understand how they could trust others with life when they throw it away, and then completely ignore my repeated pleading for life. I told them it didn't make sense to give life to those who have struggled for SO LONG, via pregnancy or adoption, and then take that life away. Why?? Why did He do that to such good people?
I told Him I felt neglected, as if He was waiting for me to say some magic words or do some wonderful action before He blesses me the way He has recently blessed others who have carried this cross. Why not me? What more do I have to do?
I cried to them about how in my heart I felt that the CT was going to keep me forever barren. So I yelled at them for "punishing" me with this disease, when others who make all kinds of horrible sins and show no repentance for them are still able to conceive.
I sobbed about my inability to adopt. I asked them why? Why would He call both me and my husband to adoption, why give us all the signs of when, how, and which agency to work with, when we would only be denied in the end? And if one day we are miraculously approved, why put us through that to begin with? Hadn't we experienced enough rejection at Your Hands before having to be rejected from adopting one of Your unwanted children?
I asked them why they thought I'd be such a horrible mother, because to me, this was the only explanation for withholding life from me at this point. I've become a Practitioner. I'm halfway done becoming an RDMS. What, is there more?? Do you want me to run for freaking President of the US? Well, I'm sorry, but I'm done.
And then I cried for how my anger has changed my perception of this cross. I told them, look, I have ALWAYS viewed infertility as a blessing. And now? I am beginning to resent it. I do not see it as a blessing right now, but a curse. How am I supposed to sit through an entire banquet hearing stories about women who plan to kill their babies, and view a non-stop slideshow of picture after picture of babies, and not feel cursed??? (DH called that slideshow the "All Torture, All the Time Channel." He kept saying, "Aaaaaaaaand, here's another one. And another! Look, look how easy it is to get pregnant!")
Finally, I dug in my heels like a little kid throwing a tantrum, and told them I refused to continue helping people because I no longer know how to. I have reached a point of resentment and bitterness, and I am not going to keep "putting on a happy face" for the Infertility Support Group, or for my Creighton Model infertility clients.
Of course, I knew (and He knew) that was bologna.
But just like a child throwing a tantrum, after getting it all out I did feel better. And I can't help but think that I am more like a toddler in God's eyes than I realize. I know this point has been made before (maybe by AYWH?), but when a child screams and carries on that they want ice cream for breakfast, or they don't want to go to sleep at night, the parents who say "No" are not neglecting their children, but rather doing what is best for them. And the "No" is not an everlasting "No." Just like with the ice cream, the child may be able to have ice cream after dinner that same day. And instead of staying up all night, the child will be well-rested and be able to stay awake for the next day's adventures.
I get it. Really.
But I just need a little glimpse of understanding here. If God could just tell me, "Not now, but later, and this is why..." I would feel so much better. Or, if the answer is no, you were not called to be a mother in this life, please just let me know why. I cannot go through the rest of my life being mad at God. I just can't.
Man. Infertility really SUCKS.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Life Choic.es Banquet
Last night, DH and I attended our local crisis pregnancy center's fundraising banquet. Their name is Life Choi.ces, which I think it brilliant. The woman who founded it explained to me that by name alone, women scrolling through the phone book looking for "help" with their pregnancy think that with the word "choices" in it, they are a type of Planned Parenthood. So, they call to schedule an abortion, and once on the phone, the center is able to talk to them, ask them in for an ultrasound, and offer them real alternatives. Fantastic!
Our center is unbelievable. They just this year purchased a second ultrasound machine and a MOBILE CENTER which travels to the surrounding cities!! When I mentioned a few months ago to the woman in charge that I was in a sonography class, she told me, "Tell me when you're done, we can always use you!!" (Their current full-time sonographer used to be the sonographer at my NaPro office!)
Anyway, the night was really great. The guest speaker was Sha.wn Car.ney from EWTN's "Be.ing Human." I have to admit, I never saw that show. But Sh.awn was a brilliant speaker. He is apparently one of the youngest, most insipirational pro-life speakers in America today, AND he's the co-founder of 40 Days for Life!!
When he began speaking, he mentioned that he was 27, married, and had 3 children. We were all sitting at round tables as he spoke on the stage, so DH was behind me at the time... I could hear him mumble, "Good for you!" Haha! Yeah, that kinda stunk to hear he already had 3 kids. Not because I'm jealous (I promise this time!!) but because I keep making the excuse to myself that MY infertility is so that I can best serve the Lord in the pro-life (and NaPro) movement. I tell myself, "Oh, yes, this makes sense. I never would have been able to go through sonography classes, or become a Practitioner, if I already had kids." But then along comes Sha.wn Carn.ey, who has done a heck of a lot more than that, he's a year younger than me, AND has 3 kids.
It just reminds me that no, my infertility is not for some greater purpose. If I am doing the will of God right now, I could and would do the will of God as a mother, too.
But, back to the banquet. We really did enjoy Shawn's presentation. We also saw tons of pictures of babies saved by Li.fe Choi.ces, and heard inspirational stories of some of the babies personally saved by the founder.
There was a record 400 people at the dinner :)
I am P+8 today, got my blood work done yesterday. This time I don't really care about the Progesterone/Estradiol (since I'm on so much progesterone right now, they are bound to be high), but I do want to see how my thyroid hormones are adjusting. I won't know until Monday, since the office is closed 'til then.
Oh- and I did finally solidify a priest/spiritual director for our November meeting of the Catholic Fertility Support Group!! I'm so excited!!
Our center is unbelievable. They just this year purchased a second ultrasound machine and a MOBILE CENTER which travels to the surrounding cities!! When I mentioned a few months ago to the woman in charge that I was in a sonography class, she told me, "Tell me when you're done, we can always use you!!" (Their current full-time sonographer used to be the sonographer at my NaPro office!)
Anyway, the night was really great. The guest speaker was Sha.wn Car.ney from EWTN's "Be.ing Human." I have to admit, I never saw that show. But Sh.awn was a brilliant speaker. He is apparently one of the youngest, most insipirational pro-life speakers in America today, AND he's the co-founder of 40 Days for Life!!
When he began speaking, he mentioned that he was 27, married, and had 3 children. We were all sitting at round tables as he spoke on the stage, so DH was behind me at the time... I could hear him mumble, "Good for you!" Haha! Yeah, that kinda stunk to hear he already had 3 kids. Not because I'm jealous (I promise this time!!) but because I keep making the excuse to myself that MY infertility is so that I can best serve the Lord in the pro-life (and NaPro) movement. I tell myself, "Oh, yes, this makes sense. I never would have been able to go through sonography classes, or become a Practitioner, if I already had kids." But then along comes Sha.wn Carn.ey, who has done a heck of a lot more than that, he's a year younger than me, AND has 3 kids.
It just reminds me that no, my infertility is not for some greater purpose. If I am doing the will of God right now, I could and would do the will of God as a mother, too.
But, back to the banquet. We really did enjoy Shawn's presentation. We also saw tons of pictures of babies saved by Li.fe Choi.ces, and heard inspirational stories of some of the babies personally saved by the founder.
There was a record 400 people at the dinner :)
I am P+8 today, got my blood work done yesterday. This time I don't really care about the Progesterone/Estradiol (since I'm on so much progesterone right now, they are bound to be high), but I do want to see how my thyroid hormones are adjusting. I won't know until Monday, since the office is closed 'til then.
Oh- and I did finally solidify a priest/spiritual director for our November meeting of the Catholic Fertility Support Group!! I'm so excited!!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Ovulation
So, I didn't really get the opportunity to probe myself with the vaginal ultrasound transducer this week while at clinicals... but I did ask my mentor if he could do a quick scan for me.
And what we saw was 1 big follie on the left (surprise, surprise), aaaaaand... 1 big follie on the right!! Go, righty!! It was slightly smaller, but definitely big enough to be in contention for a double ovulation (lefty was 21.9 mm, right was 19.7 mm). This was Wednesday. Yesterday during work I did scan myself transabdominally, and was able to see that both follicles were still quite large (can't measure accurately transabdominally), but it proved that ovulation had not yet occured and both were still growing.
Felt some O pains on the left. Came home, took my last OPK, and it was positive. Few hours pass. Felt some O pains on the right. Woo hoo!!
Peak-type mucus the last 3 days, and today is CD 15. Today I have definite "fluid in the cul-de-sac" bloating, which is proof-positive of ovulation for me.
The not-so-great thing about this cycle was that I had not 8, not 10, but TWELVE (12) days of bleeding. I think this is partially due to the Lovenox, because my flow went from light back to moderate on day 6 when I took the double dose of 40 mgs. Then, the light flow continued MUCH longer than it normally does, through day 8. Day 9 was VL, and days 10-12 were the dreaded, want-to-shoot-myself-in-the-head brown bleeding.
Of course, I did skimp out a bit on Dr. Kwak-Kim's progesterone support protocol to build up my lining for "proper shedding." I took the prometrium faithfully during the Post-Peak of last cycle, but only took about 3 days of the Endometrin around P+6-8. I figured why waste all that expensive progesterone on a break cycle?? But trust me, on the 12th day of bleeding I was regretting that decision. I just hope that this is due to the clotting, the Lovenox, and the progesterone, rather than the OTHER thing :(
Speaking of the other thing, I am no longer taking cyclical antibiotics. Dr. Kwak-Kim felt that we had been on them long enough, and that she didn't want my body to build up a resistance to them.
Well. That's the news. I'm officially in the 2ww of the first cycle of Dr. Kwak-Kim's protocol. I should be able to test by Halloween, when I would be P+15.
I'm thinking I have twice the chance, right? (But then I think, well 2 x zero is still zero...)
And what we saw was 1 big follie on the left (surprise, surprise), aaaaaand... 1 big follie on the right!! Go, righty!! It was slightly smaller, but definitely big enough to be in contention for a double ovulation (lefty was 21.9 mm, right was 19.7 mm). This was Wednesday. Yesterday during work I did scan myself transabdominally, and was able to see that both follicles were still quite large (can't measure accurately transabdominally), but it proved that ovulation had not yet occured and both were still growing.
Felt some O pains on the left. Came home, took my last OPK, and it was positive. Few hours pass. Felt some O pains on the right. Woo hoo!!
Peak-type mucus the last 3 days, and today is CD 15. Today I have definite "fluid in the cul-de-sac" bloating, which is proof-positive of ovulation for me.
The not-so-great thing about this cycle was that I had not 8, not 10, but TWELVE (12) days of bleeding. I think this is partially due to the Lovenox, because my flow went from light back to moderate on day 6 when I took the double dose of 40 mgs. Then, the light flow continued MUCH longer than it normally does, through day 8. Day 9 was VL, and days 10-12 were the dreaded, want-to-shoot-myself-in-the-head brown bleeding.
Of course, I did skimp out a bit on Dr. Kwak-Kim's progesterone support protocol to build up my lining for "proper shedding." I took the prometrium faithfully during the Post-Peak of last cycle, but only took about 3 days of the Endometrin around P+6-8. I figured why waste all that expensive progesterone on a break cycle?? But trust me, on the 12th day of bleeding I was regretting that decision. I just hope that this is due to the clotting, the Lovenox, and the progesterone, rather than the OTHER thing :(
Speaking of the other thing, I am no longer taking cyclical antibiotics. Dr. Kwak-Kim felt that we had been on them long enough, and that she didn't want my body to build up a resistance to them.
Well. That's the news. I'm officially in the 2ww of the first cycle of Dr. Kwak-Kim's protocol. I should be able to test by Halloween, when I would be P+15.
I'm thinking I have twice the chance, right? (But then I think, well 2 x zero is still zero...)
Friday, October 9, 2009
OK, Seriously, Enough is Enough
Some of you have been wondering why I've been so absent lately.
Mostly, it's because of how busy I've been, particularly with all the long-distance Intros and follow-ups (what was I thinking???) but also because I'm in a spiritual slump.
For a while now, I've been having a really tough time, and what's new for me is that it is spiritual in origin. Usually the infertility gets to me physically, emotionally, or psychologically (or all 3 on a really good day), but what has remained pretty stable has been the spiritual side. While I may not always understand God's will for me, I have trusted that He has my best interests in mind at all times.
But not lately.
Lately, I have been really struggling. I mean it. Really.
The place I desperately want to get to is a place of peace and joy with this cross that God has entrusted to me. And right now, all I can focus on is the end result of a pregnancy or an adoption. Both of which seem incredibly dismal at this point.
But I do NOT want to finally be delivered of this suffering by achieving WHAT I WANT. (I have a hard time articulating this, so just bear with me for a second.) I don't want a pregnancy or an adoption to be what makes me finally say, "God is so good!" or "Praise God, because NOW I am complete and so happy!" Does this make any sense? I want to reach a place of peacefulness and resolve without necessarily getting the fruit of MY desires. And I have no idea how to do that. Because my desires are so strong right now, and the devil keeps getting into my head.
I have been experiencing some incredibly ugly feelings. Not just jealousy of fertile-myrtles and women I don't know who use ART and are able to achieve pregnancy... but jealousy of my own friends!! Friends who are dealing with the exact same infertility journey with a "Catholic twist." Feel free to delete me from your cell phones, because yes, LifeHopes and Sew, I had bouts of jealousy over both of you and I am ashamed to admit it and I'm going straight to hell in a handbasket. I'm so Satan-like, I even have feelings of jealousy over those who have miscarried, for crying out loud!! My thoughts go something like this: "Well, at least they get to spend eternity with their children! I'll be sitting around playing Scrabble with my husband, watching all the babies and mommies and daddies." But who am I kidding, with thoughts like those I won't be in heaven at all.
I need to find that peace I was talking about. I need it because a) if I am never able to adopt or get pregnant in this world, I do not want to be unfruitful in every other way, and waste years of the precious life I'VE been given; b) while I lead the infertility support group in the Diocese, and look into the tear-stained eyes of 43-46 yr old women who have even more reason to fear they will never be mothers, I truly want to know WHAT to say to them and HOW to best help them carry that cross (and if I can't do it myself, I can't help others); and c) if by the grace of God I ever DO achieve a pregnancy or become approved/matched/placed for an adoption, I want to be able to FULLY rejoice in the gift of life of my child - - and NOT rejoice in the fact that it is the "end of my childlessness." Again, I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me, I'm just not sure how best to express these thoughts.
The way I described it when trying to talk with my mother was comparing it to (and please don't think I'm being overdramatic here) to my grandmother's cancer. When she was in her final days, and was suffering so much, she asked my mother why she had to suffer, and my mom told her that maybe her suffering was not in reparation for anything SHE did, but rather so it could be offered for someone she loves. Her suffering then became a beautiful thing. My grandmother was NOT constantly focused on a miraculous healing. She was not thinking, "I can't wait for the end of this suffering, when I will finally have my health and be healed." She knew she was dying. And she found peace in the struggle before she went to heaven.
That's what I want. That's what I need. I don't want a child to be the "miraculous healing" of my suffering with infertility. If I am blessed with a child, I want to be prepared spiritually, and in a place where I am best able to receive that glorious gift. And if I am not blessed in that way, I want to be prepared spiritually, and in a place where I am best able to receive THAT.
I did want to tell you all, too, that I got my rose from St. Therese :) It's always a real obvious one, so I knew if I was questioning the flowers from my husband at the beginning of the Novena, that couldn't have been it.
I went to my mom's house from Sunday to Monday, and on Sunday night (which was Life Chain Sunday), my Mom asked if I needed a "rose for life" for my purse, and handed me the little red rose sticker. She had picked up a bunch of them from her parish that morning. Immediately the tears welled up, and I told her about my Novena. St. Therese ALWAYS shows me that she is listening, and praying for me... my prayers aren't always immediately answered, but her sign reminds me that I am not alone.
Sew also asked me what was going on cycle-wise with me. I'm on CD 8, and started the Lovenox 40 mgs 2 x day this cycle. Had giNORmous clots yesterday, so if there was any doubt that the clotting factor was affecting my lining, that theory was flushed down the toilet (literally). Flow has been red, and still going today, but it usually keeps going for a few days when I start the blood thinner. I'm hoping no brown this time. I'm going to give myself a transvaginal ultrasound next week during my clinical hours at the imaging center (no I'm not kidding). I did a real quick baseline scan transabdominally yesterday and saw 2 mid-sized follicles on the left ovary. I'm not a fan of my left ovary. It's the one that ovulates 85% of the time, so I think there must be something wrong with that ovary or tube based on the fact that it has never produced a pregnancy.
Sorry this post is so long. Lots going on. Please help.
Mostly, it's because of how busy I've been, particularly with all the long-distance Intros and follow-ups (what was I thinking???) but also because I'm in a spiritual slump.
For a while now, I've been having a really tough time, and what's new for me is that it is spiritual in origin. Usually the infertility gets to me physically, emotionally, or psychologically (or all 3 on a really good day), but what has remained pretty stable has been the spiritual side. While I may not always understand God's will for me, I have trusted that He has my best interests in mind at all times.
But not lately.
Lately, I have been really struggling. I mean it. Really.
The place I desperately want to get to is a place of peace and joy with this cross that God has entrusted to me. And right now, all I can focus on is the end result of a pregnancy or an adoption. Both of which seem incredibly dismal at this point.
But I do NOT want to finally be delivered of this suffering by achieving WHAT I WANT. (I have a hard time articulating this, so just bear with me for a second.) I don't want a pregnancy or an adoption to be what makes me finally say, "God is so good!" or "Praise God, because NOW I am complete and so happy!" Does this make any sense? I want to reach a place of peacefulness and resolve without necessarily getting the fruit of MY desires. And I have no idea how to do that. Because my desires are so strong right now, and the devil keeps getting into my head.
I have been experiencing some incredibly ugly feelings. Not just jealousy of fertile-myrtles and women I don't know who use ART and are able to achieve pregnancy... but jealousy of my own friends!! Friends who are dealing with the exact same infertility journey with a "Catholic twist." Feel free to delete me from your cell phones, because yes, LifeHopes and Sew, I had bouts of jealousy over both of you and I am ashamed to admit it and I'm going straight to hell in a handbasket. I'm so Satan-like, I even have feelings of jealousy over those who have miscarried, for crying out loud!! My thoughts go something like this: "Well, at least they get to spend eternity with their children! I'll be sitting around playing Scrabble with my husband, watching all the babies and mommies and daddies." But who am I kidding, with thoughts like those I won't be in heaven at all.
I need to find that peace I was talking about. I need it because a) if I am never able to adopt or get pregnant in this world, I do not want to be unfruitful in every other way, and waste years of the precious life I'VE been given; b) while I lead the infertility support group in the Diocese, and look into the tear-stained eyes of 43-46 yr old women who have even more reason to fear they will never be mothers, I truly want to know WHAT to say to them and HOW to best help them carry that cross (and if I can't do it myself, I can't help others); and c) if by the grace of God I ever DO achieve a pregnancy or become approved/matched/placed for an adoption, I want to be able to FULLY rejoice in the gift of life of my child - - and NOT rejoice in the fact that it is the "end of my childlessness." Again, I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me, I'm just not sure how best to express these thoughts.
The way I described it when trying to talk with my mother was comparing it to (and please don't think I'm being overdramatic here) to my grandmother's cancer. When she was in her final days, and was suffering so much, she asked my mother why she had to suffer, and my mom told her that maybe her suffering was not in reparation for anything SHE did, but rather so it could be offered for someone she loves. Her suffering then became a beautiful thing. My grandmother was NOT constantly focused on a miraculous healing. She was not thinking, "I can't wait for the end of this suffering, when I will finally have my health and be healed." She knew she was dying. And she found peace in the struggle before she went to heaven.
That's what I want. That's what I need. I don't want a child to be the "miraculous healing" of my suffering with infertility. If I am blessed with a child, I want to be prepared spiritually, and in a place where I am best able to receive that glorious gift. And if I am not blessed in that way, I want to be prepared spiritually, and in a place where I am best able to receive THAT.
I did want to tell you all, too, that I got my rose from St. Therese :) It's always a real obvious one, so I knew if I was questioning the flowers from my husband at the beginning of the Novena, that couldn't have been it.
I went to my mom's house from Sunday to Monday, and on Sunday night (which was Life Chain Sunday), my Mom asked if I needed a "rose for life" for my purse, and handed me the little red rose sticker. She had picked up a bunch of them from her parish that morning. Immediately the tears welled up, and I told her about my Novena. St. Therese ALWAYS shows me that she is listening, and praying for me... my prayers aren't always immediately answered, but her sign reminds me that I am not alone.
Sew also asked me what was going on cycle-wise with me. I'm on CD 8, and started the Lovenox 40 mgs 2 x day this cycle. Had giNORmous clots yesterday, so if there was any doubt that the clotting factor was affecting my lining, that theory was flushed down the toilet (literally). Flow has been red, and still going today, but it usually keeps going for a few days when I start the blood thinner. I'm hoping no brown this time. I'm going to give myself a transvaginal ultrasound next week during my clinical hours at the imaging center (no I'm not kidding). I did a real quick baseline scan transabdominally yesterday and saw 2 mid-sized follicles on the left ovary. I'm not a fan of my left ovary. It's the one that ovulates 85% of the time, so I think there must be something wrong with that ovary or tube based on the fact that it has never produced a pregnancy.
Sorry this post is so long. Lots going on. Please help.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Holy Smokes!!!
FJIEJ is PREGNANT!!!!!!
I am in shock! Does that sound bad? I certainly don't mean it in a bad way. It's not like I wasn't hopeful for her- I absolutely was! But maybe because we both went through Dr Toth treatment at the same time... and both had no results after 9 months... I just assumed we both weren't going anywhere anytime soon :)
But I am SOOOOOOO GLAD that she is indeed getting the HECK OUTTA DODGE, and has joined the land of the mommies!!!
Yay FJIEJ!! Can't wait to hear the whole glorious story!
I am in shock! Does that sound bad? I certainly don't mean it in a bad way. It's not like I wasn't hopeful for her- I absolutely was! But maybe because we both went through Dr Toth treatment at the same time... and both had no results after 9 months... I just assumed we both weren't going anywhere anytime soon :)
But I am SOOOOOOO GLAD that she is indeed getting the HECK OUTTA DODGE, and has joined the land of the mommies!!!
Yay FJIEJ!! Can't wait to hear the whole glorious story!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
No Rose... yet
Ever since I was in 4th grade, and first learned about St. Therese of Lisieux, I have LOVED praying Novenas to her. And without fail, sometime at the end of the Novena I would see a rose (or some other kind of flower) along my path, and know she was interceding for me.
Today, on her Feast Day, DH and I finished the Novena together. You can assume correctly as to what one of our intentions was. (But I included many this time, for all of you, for all unborn babies, for family members who have fallen from the Church, etc.)
And so far today, neither of us has seen a rose.
That is, except for the dying ones I have in a vase up on the counter.
On the first day of the Novena, before we began, DH bought me a dozen red roses, just to let me know he was thinking of me :) I told him afterwards about the Novena. So he seems to think THAT was our sign.
Hmmm... I'm not so sure. I've never seen the rose BEFORE starting the Novena. And what about him? His sign can't be one that he bought himself!!
Well, she's always answered my prayers in the past, so I know that she is interceding for us. Maybe she plans to give me that sign when God decides the timing is right for my ultimate prayer of motherhood to be answered. And maybe that time isn't now :(
Today, on her Feast Day, DH and I finished the Novena together. You can assume correctly as to what one of our intentions was. (But I included many this time, for all of you, for all unborn babies, for family members who have fallen from the Church, etc.)
And so far today, neither of us has seen a rose.
That is, except for the dying ones I have in a vase up on the counter.
On the first day of the Novena, before we began, DH bought me a dozen red roses, just to let me know he was thinking of me :) I told him afterwards about the Novena. So he seems to think THAT was our sign.
Hmmm... I'm not so sure. I've never seen the rose BEFORE starting the Novena. And what about him? His sign can't be one that he bought himself!!
Well, she's always answered my prayers in the past, so I know that she is interceding for us. Maybe she plans to give me that sign when God decides the timing is right for my ultimate prayer of motherhood to be answered. And maybe that time isn't now :(
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