As you may remember, my grandmother promised me her statue of St. Anne with young Mary when she was sick in the hospital. She hadn't given it to me sooner because she was praying to it every night for me and Rob. I love the fact that my grandmother had such a strong devotion to St. Anne, and had that statue YEARS before she knew she'd be praying to it for a family member with infertility. I think I also really like the fact that I associate my grandmother with St. Anne, because St. Anne was the world's most important grandmother :)
Anyway, we checked into the Hotel Be.thlehem on Friday, and I asked the front desk where the closest Catholic Church was. She said, "That would be St. Anne's." DH and I looked at each other. It was a sign. (We'd even forgotten at that point that her feast day was today... hard to believe I'd forget, when it's the day after my birthday.)
So we went to Mass Saturday evening, and the church was having a special triduum celebration in honor of their patroness, St. Anne. They had a gorgeous statue on display, which looked JUST LIKE my grandmother's statue- only larger and cream/gold colored instead of brown. But it was St. Anne with Mary as a young girl. We closed Mass with special devotional prayers to St. Anne, and then they had veneration of a relic afterwards. They were also giving away St. Anne oil and St. Anne medals.
After we prayed at the statue and lit a candle, DH went to get the car and I stuck around to ask the priest what the relic was that we had venerated. He said it was a piece of her bone. I told him that my husband and I were there visiting from NJ, and found it very fitting to come to St. Anne's church since we have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years. His eyes lit up and he said, "St. Anne is a POWERFUL intercessor. But there's another Saint you should pray to... have you heard of St. Gianna?" I smiled and said that I prayed to her nightly. He said, "There are so many stories of couples who have prayed to her and conceived after many years of infertility." He then asked me my name and told me he would pray for me, as well.
I also ovulated on CD 13 this cycle, which was Friday!! I have never O'd before CD 14 in my life, but I had a feeling it would be earlier than expected when my Thur. u/s revealed a 20.3 cm follie. My Dr also ran b/w that day. Right before we left on Friday for the hotel, I felt some intense bloating/pelvic discomfort which usually is a sign of the fluid I get a lot of right after ovulation. My Dr. called shortly after that (her office is closed Fri-Sun), just to tell me that she came across my b/w and that I was probably going to O that day (Friday) rather than later in the weekend like I first thought. Wasn't that sweet of her?? She wanted to make sure I didn't miss my window of opportunity! Luckily, we had already used Thur night, and then we promptly went back to work Friday afternoon and evening :)
Simba is back home and doing well. Right before we left Friday (it was a crazy day, Friday!!) we got a call from the vet to say that he seemingly had re-blocked because he wasn't passing urine anymore. She said it could have been residual inflammation from the first blockage and catherization, but that if it didn't get better, she recommended surgery 1st thing Monday morning. It would have cost us about $4,000 total. I about lost it. We decided to let him stay there through the weekend, and go through with the surgery, but if somehow he got better on his own during the weekend, we'd re-assess. Well, God was good, and we got another call Saturday morning saying we could pick him up, that he was eliminating beautifully :) Thank goodness!!
We are keeping him on a grain-free wet food diet from now on, which is how we were able to manage our other male cat's struvite crystal formation. (**If you have a male cat and he forms crystals, do NOT put him on the prescription vet diets- - they are full of grains, low in natural tourine, and don't have enough liquid that these cats need. Wellness and Instinct are great canned wet food options, and you can also get some of the Solid Gold cranberry supplementation.)
So we're back home now and I'm officially post-Peak. St. Anne, please keep intercessing for us until our prayers have been answered!
*PS, I can't believe I almost forgot, but DH and I have been doing St. Louis de Montfort's Total Consecration to Mary, and Thursday night we had the most beautiful prayer (written by St. L d M) which brought me to tears it was SO PERFECTLY WORDED for how many of us have been feeling through this infertility struggle recently. I knew I had to share it with you. Here it is:
When a certain anxious person, who oftentimes wavered between hope and fear, once overcome with sadness, threw himself upon the ground in prayer, before one of the altars in the Church and thinking these things in his mind, said "Oh, if I only knew how to persevere," that very instant he heard within him, this heavenly answer: "And if thou didst know this, what would thou do? Do now what you would do, and thou shall be perfectly secure." And immediately being consoled, and comforted, he committed himself to the Divine Will, and his anxious thoughts ceased. He no longer wished for curious things; searching to find out what would happen to him, but studied rather to learn what was the acceptable and perfect will of God for the beginning and the perfection of every good work.
"Hope in the Lord," said the Prophet, "And do all good, and inhabit the land, and thou shall be fed of riches therof." There is one thing that keeps many back from spiritual progress, and from fervor in amendment, namely: the labor that is necessary for the struggle. And assuredly they especially advance beyond others in virtues, who strive the most manfully to overcome the very things which are the hardest and most contrary to them. For there a man does profit more and merit more abundant grace, when he does most to overcome himself and mortify his spirit. All have not, indeed, equal difficulties to overcome and mortify, but a diligent and zealous person will make a greater progress though he have more passions than another, who is well regulated but less fervent in the pursuit of virtues."
Isn't that just PERFECT?!!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Cumulus Oophorus
We have one!!
As you may recall, a fear of mine was that my follies were empty. Yup, all this money spent on surgeries, meds, acupuncture, hypnosis, etc. and it could have all been useless if I was shootin' blanks.
It's particularly difficult to see the c.o. in PCOS women. But today? I had an u/s and WE SAW IT!!! I am so stoked! Proof positive that there's an egg. My follie is already over 2 cm, so it is looking likely I'll O on my bday (I grow 'em big). I only have one, which is a bummer, but one is all it takes, right?
My period this cycle was long again- 10 days- and there was (gasp!) brown bleeding for 2 days at the end. HOWEVER, it was different brown bleeding than what I experienced before Dr Toth treatment. After I started the Lovenox on CD 6, I started to notice the blood thinning out (it had been rather clotty), and then the brown blood at the end just seemed like "old" blood. My thoughts are that the Lovenox is WORKING for my clotting factor, and it helped flush out all the old clotted blood in my lining. Another good sign that this treatment is the right one for me!! I hope and pray that a healthy implantation will take place this cycle... but of course, I'm not holding my breath.
I'm also preparing to do a Food Print, which is a food sensitivity blood test that Dr. Phil Boyle presented info about at the AAFCP Annual Meeting. He presented this to the Drs before we (Practitioners) got there, so my Dr gave me the website for it today. She thinks this is a missing link in my treatment, too. I think I agree, I mean I've always felt that we are what we eat, and if our bodies are sensitive to certain foods and make antibodies against them, then what's to prevent those antibodies from working against a new pg, too? (Antibodies don't discriminate. They're all P.C. like that.)
Here's the link for those interested:
http://www.cambridge-nutritional.com/Scripts.whatis.asp
I also made a joke to my Dr during the u/s, reminding her of the time (about 9-10 months ago) when she told me that I wasn't her toughest case, and asked if she wanted to take it back now. She laughed and said, "Well... at the TIME you weren't...!"
LMAO!! I just find it hysterical that I am my fertility specialist's MOST DIFFICULT CASE!!!! Now that's an honor! :)
We are leaving tomorrow for a new casino/hotel place that just opened up in Bethlehem, PA... DH planned it for my bday weekend, and now it looks like we'll be bringing little Simba with us!! We have to pick him up Sat. am (the drive back isn't too far), and keep an eye on him for 24 hrs, so it was either bring him or cancel the getaway. The hotel has pet concierge (can you believe that???) so we're happy to bring him with us. He's pretty laid back, too, so he'll be ok in a new environment... in fact, he'll probably really enjoy having the 2 of us to himself with no other pets around!
Oh, and for my Reliv buddies, I am already feeling LIGHTER and MORE ENERGETIC! Only 3 shakes taken so far, I'm amazed! (The "lighter" is most likely due to the gi-normous poo I had this afternoon... Sew had warned me this would happen about 6 hours after the 1st shake, but my colon saved it all up for 18 hours after, lol!! I think I lost 5 lbs!!)
As you may recall, a fear of mine was that my follies were empty. Yup, all this money spent on surgeries, meds, acupuncture, hypnosis, etc. and it could have all been useless if I was shootin' blanks.
It's particularly difficult to see the c.o. in PCOS women. But today? I had an u/s and WE SAW IT!!! I am so stoked! Proof positive that there's an egg. My follie is already over 2 cm, so it is looking likely I'll O on my bday (I grow 'em big). I only have one, which is a bummer, but one is all it takes, right?
My period this cycle was long again- 10 days- and there was (gasp!) brown bleeding for 2 days at the end. HOWEVER, it was different brown bleeding than what I experienced before Dr Toth treatment. After I started the Lovenox on CD 6, I started to notice the blood thinning out (it had been rather clotty), and then the brown blood at the end just seemed like "old" blood. My thoughts are that the Lovenox is WORKING for my clotting factor, and it helped flush out all the old clotted blood in my lining. Another good sign that this treatment is the right one for me!! I hope and pray that a healthy implantation will take place this cycle... but of course, I'm not holding my breath.
I'm also preparing to do a Food Print, which is a food sensitivity blood test that Dr. Phil Boyle presented info about at the AAFCP Annual Meeting. He presented this to the Drs before we (Practitioners) got there, so my Dr gave me the website for it today. She thinks this is a missing link in my treatment, too. I think I agree, I mean I've always felt that we are what we eat, and if our bodies are sensitive to certain foods and make antibodies against them, then what's to prevent those antibodies from working against a new pg, too? (Antibodies don't discriminate. They're all P.C. like that.)
Here's the link for those interested:
http://www.cambridge-nutritional.com/Scripts.whatis.asp
I also made a joke to my Dr during the u/s, reminding her of the time (about 9-10 months ago) when she told me that I wasn't her toughest case, and asked if she wanted to take it back now. She laughed and said, "Well... at the TIME you weren't...!"
LMAO!! I just find it hysterical that I am my fertility specialist's MOST DIFFICULT CASE!!!! Now that's an honor! :)
We are leaving tomorrow for a new casino/hotel place that just opened up in Bethlehem, PA... DH planned it for my bday weekend, and now it looks like we'll be bringing little Simba with us!! We have to pick him up Sat. am (the drive back isn't too far), and keep an eye on him for 24 hrs, so it was either bring him or cancel the getaway. The hotel has pet concierge (can you believe that???) so we're happy to bring him with us. He's pretty laid back, too, so he'll be ok in a new environment... in fact, he'll probably really enjoy having the 2 of us to himself with no other pets around!
Oh, and for my Reliv buddies, I am already feeling LIGHTER and MORE ENERGETIC! Only 3 shakes taken so far, I'm amazed! (The "lighter" is most likely due to the gi-normous poo I had this afternoon... Sew had warned me this would happen about 6 hours after the 1st shake, but my colon saved it all up for 18 hours after, lol!! I think I lost 5 lbs!!)
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Annual Meeting, Lovenox, Reliv, Simba, my Birthday, and, as always, INFERTILITY
I feel sooooo refreshed spiritually after our Annual Meeting. It truly was a phenomenal experience. However, I did get a bit emotional, and much more often than I tend to do in public places... I think I just had a bit of INFERTILITY OVERLOAD with all the panels and talks and non-stop pill-popping and injection-taking (I started my Lovenox injections while at the conference).
So far, the injections are going as well as can be expected. There is some blood blistering going on, and slight bruising. And I am still trying to work out the cost with the insurance, because at the moment it's costing me around $3 per injection... which works out to around $900 JUST for pregnancy. And I'm not pregnant yet. Plus, there may be issues of long-term use... they may not cover it at all after 30 days.
Back to the Conference. One of the first things I see upon entering the hotel lobby is a big booth set up with Re.liv!! Of course I had to go over and read up on it. I expressed my concern about it being a soy product, and my google-addicted self reading numerous articles about how too much soy is bad for fertility. The women assured me that that only applies to over processed soy, and then they went on to share with me various testimonies of women who had suffered from IF for x amount of years, began taking the shakes and conceived. No, they didn't mention Sew, but I'm sure once they get wind of her story, they'll slip that one in, too :)
I figured God must have lead them to me for a reason, so I went ahead and ordered a month's supply. I also ordered the Simplicity for DH, for weight loss. We are both really excited to try it and I, for one, am definately looking forward to some more energy. The Hydrocort is losing a lot of its initial benefits for me...
Last night we rushed Simba (our orange kitty, the one who was birthed at our house last summer) to AnimERge for a urinary blockage. Jerry, our gray cat, had a blockage once, too, so we knew the signs right away. Sure enough, he was blocked. It was so sad to see him acting so scared and sick :( He would keep standing up and sitting down, trying to get comfortable, and growling at nothing (just from discomfort). When we were trying to figure out if we could wait until this morning to bring him in to the vet, I went over to him and asked, "Simba, what's wrong honey??" and he gave me the most pathetic moan/cry you'd ever want to hear. That was enough for me to run and grab my purse, pick him up and usher him into the cat carrier, and get in the car. DH drove. It was 11:00pm.
Today, they said he's doing much better- he has the catheter in, and is active and alert, playing in his cage. They said, "He's a good boy!" He's also eating like there's no tomorrow... he didn't eat anything last night, which was DHs first clue something was wrong.
I know this post is all over the place, but lately, so is my life.
The infertility is really casting a shadow over me lately. I can't seem to escape it, and I feel like I'm in a race to beat it. I mean, I know we always feel that way, but for some reason very recently I just feel like I have to do everything I can before my time is up. I don't know what time that is... maybe when all the money runs out? Maybe the end of the year? I have no idea, maybe it's just the pressure of knowing I only have Lovenox approved for 3 cycles. I don't know. But it's a real crappy feeling.
It was fantastic to hear all the success stories while at the Conference. All the research and statistics about how NaPro truly does WORK! And I don't disagree. I am just really struggling with the fact that it is not working for me. It is truly scary to know that it may never happen. Especially in light of the adoption blowing up in our face. I am scared beyond belief that I may never have children, one way OR another.
There are more thoughts I have about the Meeting, but I will save that for another post.
My 28th Birthday is Saturday. Another year older and none the more fruitful.
So far, the injections are going as well as can be expected. There is some blood blistering going on, and slight bruising. And I am still trying to work out the cost with the insurance, because at the moment it's costing me around $3 per injection... which works out to around $900 JUST for pregnancy. And I'm not pregnant yet. Plus, there may be issues of long-term use... they may not cover it at all after 30 days.
Back to the Conference. One of the first things I see upon entering the hotel lobby is a big booth set up with Re.liv!! Of course I had to go over and read up on it. I expressed my concern about it being a soy product, and my google-addicted self reading numerous articles about how too much soy is bad for fertility. The women assured me that that only applies to over processed soy, and then they went on to share with me various testimonies of women who had suffered from IF for x amount of years, began taking the shakes and conceived. No, they didn't mention Sew, but I'm sure once they get wind of her story, they'll slip that one in, too :)
I figured God must have lead them to me for a reason, so I went ahead and ordered a month's supply. I also ordered the Simplicity for DH, for weight loss. We are both really excited to try it and I, for one, am definately looking forward to some more energy. The Hydrocort is losing a lot of its initial benefits for me...
Last night we rushed Simba (our orange kitty, the one who was birthed at our house last summer) to AnimERge for a urinary blockage. Jerry, our gray cat, had a blockage once, too, so we knew the signs right away. Sure enough, he was blocked. It was so sad to see him acting so scared and sick :( He would keep standing up and sitting down, trying to get comfortable, and growling at nothing (just from discomfort). When we were trying to figure out if we could wait until this morning to bring him in to the vet, I went over to him and asked, "Simba, what's wrong honey??" and he gave me the most pathetic moan/cry you'd ever want to hear. That was enough for me to run and grab my purse, pick him up and usher him into the cat carrier, and get in the car. DH drove. It was 11:00pm.
Today, they said he's doing much better- he has the catheter in, and is active and alert, playing in his cage. They said, "He's a good boy!" He's also eating like there's no tomorrow... he didn't eat anything last night, which was DHs first clue something was wrong.
I know this post is all over the place, but lately, so is my life.
The infertility is really casting a shadow over me lately. I can't seem to escape it, and I feel like I'm in a race to beat it. I mean, I know we always feel that way, but for some reason very recently I just feel like I have to do everything I can before my time is up. I don't know what time that is... maybe when all the money runs out? Maybe the end of the year? I have no idea, maybe it's just the pressure of knowing I only have Lovenox approved for 3 cycles. I don't know. But it's a real crappy feeling.
It was fantastic to hear all the success stories while at the Conference. All the research and statistics about how NaPro truly does WORK! And I don't disagree. I am just really struggling with the fact that it is not working for me. It is truly scary to know that it may never happen. Especially in light of the adoption blowing up in our face. I am scared beyond belief that I may never have children, one way OR another.
There are more thoughts I have about the Meeting, but I will save that for another post.
My 28th Birthday is Saturday. Another year older and none the more fruitful.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Elated!!! (ETA- BECAUSE SEW'S PREGNANT!!!!)
I am off for the American Academy of FertilityCare Professionals Annual Meeting...
(which, by the way, I attend as an OFFICIAL FertilityCare Practitioner... no more "Intern" at the end of that, I got the news that I PASSED THE FINAL EXAM!)
and I can think of no better news to have in my heart as I go immerse myself in all things Creighton and NaPro. May God continue to bless their work, and all those who are touched by it!!!
I am giddy!!
(You'll understand in a little bit...)
OK, I can spill the beans, she just posted:
www.sewinfertile.blogspot.com
(which, by the way, I attend as an OFFICIAL FertilityCare Practitioner... no more "Intern" at the end of that, I got the news that I PASSED THE FINAL EXAM!)
and I can think of no better news to have in my heart as I go immerse myself in all things Creighton and NaPro. May God continue to bless their work, and all those who are touched by it!!!
I am giddy!!
(You'll understand in a little bit...)
OK, I can spill the beans, she just posted:
www.sewinfertile.blogspot.com
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Finally CD 1, and my SIL sucks * ETA
I had pre-menstrual spotting AGAIN this past cycle. I am going BACKWARDS, here, people!! WTH?? I am so disappointed in my weak corpus luteums :( Or lutei. Whatever, I never took Latin.
It was 6 days of spotting, again, making a 15 day post-Peak phase, again. Well, at least it was consistent! I am just so happy to finally be on a flow today because a) this cycle I take Femara AND Lovenox, and it's gonna kick ass!, and b) the cramping was really getting annoying. I normally cramp the night before my period comes and then on CD 1, but my uterus was just really confused and kept cramping and stopping for the entire 6 days of spotting.
I finished all the paperwork that I'm preparing to send in to Dr. Kwak-Kim in Chicago. I need to get all my labwork together from the past 6 months to send along with it, which means I'll need to wait another week since my Dr (and I) will be away at the Annual FertilityCare Conference in PA this week. I'm hoping to get an appt. with Dr. Kwak-Kim lined up for last week in August or early September. When I called their office, they said the wait is about 1 month.
My SIL just came over to my in-laws, and DH and I were just over there having a chat with them and relaxing after Mass. So, she showed us her new car, and afterwards I came over to our apt (remember, we live in an attachment to our in-laws' house), and DH went back over to his parents house with her. She knows that we started the adoption process, she knows all about our infertility, etc. and I *think* she knows that the homestudy process was delayed 6 months (my MIL usually tells her everything).
Anyway, her BFF is a gay gothic guy who rents a room from my in-laws upstairs in their house. He was also there, apparently, when DH went back inside with his sister. (Following thus far??) My SIL is somewhat "lost" in terms of her spirituality, though raised Catholic like DH, she fell away from the Church years ago and has since been seeking something to fill the void. She's dappled in Wiccan-ism, but by no means practices ANY religion.
OK, so here's the part where she truly pissed me (and DH) off. After going back into the house with DH, she says, "Oh, there's this young girl who is giving birth in 3 weeks and wants to give it up for adoption. But, she'll only adopt out to Wiccans. Hey, J {her friend}, do you want to adopt a baby with me?" DH couldn't believe it. Before he could even say anything, my MIL (who is basically RAISING my SIL's daughter), goes, "C, you don't even spend time with the daughter you have now!" And SIL responded with some catty response, while both my MIL and DH walked out of the room.
Now obviously she isn't seriously entertaining this idea (although, knowing my SIL, she would do it even if she didn't want to, just to show us that she can and we can't). But DH is SOOOO upset that she so blatantly said something like this just to upset him. She has always been competitive with DH, and jealous that he was the baby of the family and displaced her. But c'mon, now, you're 36 years old, GROW UP!
I am beyond ticked off right now. But I am so happy to hear that my MIL actually put her in her place, because my MIL tends to favor C and take her side in all things. (I'm not sure if she was defending DH as much as HERSELF from having to raise another baby if SIL did adopt, lol!)
Can you believe this?? This is the kind of "support" we get from DH's family. OK, maybe that's not so fair, it is just this 1 SIL who is acting like this. She is so freaking selfish, I can't stand it.
Oh, and to top things off, do you know who raised her daughter for the 1st year of her life? Me. That's right, when I was preparing to become a teacher and had just moved to NJ, I was my neice's nanny. Only at that time she was my boyfriend's niece. And I worked (I shit you not) 12-14 hour days.
Grrrrr, I am just so mad right now. I have to think about something else.
Well, one interesting fact about my cycle is that because CD 1 held off until today, now CD 14 will be on... my birthday!! (I generally ovulate on CD 14 when on Femara.) How exciting! :) When I told DH this, he said maybe he'll give me some special birthday lovin'. I told him, "It's not your birthday." Hehe.
**ETA: Oh, she wasn't kidding. If you can believe it, she actually does want to adopt this baby. She grabbed ahold of DH again, in the laundry room which is the part of the in-laws house attached to ours. I got suspicious when he was gone for so long, so I came inside and caught the tail-end of the convo. (I listened through the wall.) It went something like this, "So how much is it to adopt? We just really want to help out this poor baby. We know it would be sort of a weird family for it, with a single mom, a gay goth dad, etc..." DH was just dumb-stricken, he kept saying that the process takes a while, but he knew enough not to come across as offended in any way, because he knows his sister- - she would have JUMPED on his insecurities and done everything in her power to go adopt. He's hoping that he was able to turn her off to the idea.
OMG, I can't even breathe right now, I just CANNOT BELIEVE she had the audacity to do this and then ASK DH FOR ADVICE about it!!!!!
It was 6 days of spotting, again, making a 15 day post-Peak phase, again. Well, at least it was consistent! I am just so happy to finally be on a flow today because a) this cycle I take Femara AND Lovenox, and it's gonna kick ass!, and b) the cramping was really getting annoying. I normally cramp the night before my period comes and then on CD 1, but my uterus was just really confused and kept cramping and stopping for the entire 6 days of spotting.
I finished all the paperwork that I'm preparing to send in to Dr. Kwak-Kim in Chicago. I need to get all my labwork together from the past 6 months to send along with it, which means I'll need to wait another week since my Dr (and I) will be away at the Annual FertilityCare Conference in PA this week. I'm hoping to get an appt. with Dr. Kwak-Kim lined up for last week in August or early September. When I called their office, they said the wait is about 1 month.
My SIL just came over to my in-laws, and DH and I were just over there having a chat with them and relaxing after Mass. So, she showed us her new car, and afterwards I came over to our apt (remember, we live in an attachment to our in-laws' house), and DH went back over to his parents house with her. She knows that we started the adoption process, she knows all about our infertility, etc. and I *think* she knows that the homestudy process was delayed 6 months (my MIL usually tells her everything).
Anyway, her BFF is a gay gothic guy who rents a room from my in-laws upstairs in their house. He was also there, apparently, when DH went back inside with his sister. (Following thus far??) My SIL is somewhat "lost" in terms of her spirituality, though raised Catholic like DH, she fell away from the Church years ago and has since been seeking something to fill the void. She's dappled in Wiccan-ism, but by no means practices ANY religion.
OK, so here's the part where she truly pissed me (and DH) off. After going back into the house with DH, she says, "Oh, there's this young girl who is giving birth in 3 weeks and wants to give it up for adoption. But, she'll only adopt out to Wiccans. Hey, J {her friend}, do you want to adopt a baby with me?" DH couldn't believe it. Before he could even say anything, my MIL (who is basically RAISING my SIL's daughter), goes, "C, you don't even spend time with the daughter you have now!" And SIL responded with some catty response, while both my MIL and DH walked out of the room.
Now obviously she isn't seriously entertaining this idea (although, knowing my SIL, she would do it even if she didn't want to, just to show us that she can and we can't). But DH is SOOOO upset that she so blatantly said something like this just to upset him. She has always been competitive with DH, and jealous that he was the baby of the family and displaced her. But c'mon, now, you're 36 years old, GROW UP!
I am beyond ticked off right now. But I am so happy to hear that my MIL actually put her in her place, because my MIL tends to favor C and take her side in all things. (I'm not sure if she was defending DH as much as HERSELF from having to raise another baby if SIL did adopt, lol!)
Can you believe this?? This is the kind of "support" we get from DH's family. OK, maybe that's not so fair, it is just this 1 SIL who is acting like this. She is so freaking selfish, I can't stand it.
Oh, and to top things off, do you know who raised her daughter for the 1st year of her life? Me. That's right, when I was preparing to become a teacher and had just moved to NJ, I was my neice's nanny. Only at that time she was my boyfriend's niece. And I worked (I shit you not) 12-14 hour days.
Grrrrr, I am just so mad right now. I have to think about something else.
Well, one interesting fact about my cycle is that because CD 1 held off until today, now CD 14 will be on... my birthday!! (I generally ovulate on CD 14 when on Femara.) How exciting! :) When I told DH this, he said maybe he'll give me some special birthday lovin'. I told him, "It's not your birthday." Hehe.
**ETA: Oh, she wasn't kidding. If you can believe it, she actually does want to adopt this baby. She grabbed ahold of DH again, in the laundry room which is the part of the in-laws house attached to ours. I got suspicious when he was gone for so long, so I came inside and caught the tail-end of the convo. (I listened through the wall.) It went something like this, "So how much is it to adopt? We just really want to help out this poor baby. We know it would be sort of a weird family for it, with a single mom, a gay goth dad, etc..." DH was just dumb-stricken, he kept saying that the process takes a while, but he knew enough not to come across as offended in any way, because he knows his sister- - she would have JUMPED on his insecurities and done everything in her power to go adopt. He's hoping that he was able to turn her off to the idea.
OMG, I can't even breathe right now, I just CANNOT BELIEVE she had the audacity to do this and then ASK DH FOR ADVICE about it!!!!!
Monday, July 6, 2009
36th Month
That's right. July marks our 36th month of trying to conceive. Let's just stop and let that sink in for a minute. Thirty-Six months. That's a freaking lot of months.
I really don't know how some of you have done this for longer. FJIEJ, AYWH, Sew, JB, LIM... I know I'm forgetting a bunch... but seriously, HOW do you survive? I remember the 2-Year mark feeling like death itself. I guess death will be re-visited at the 3-Year mark.
DH and I have now shifted focus and are putting a lot of energy into our TTC efforts. I had been looking forward to working on our adoption Profile Book this summer, but now instead I am exploring every last avenue that has yet to be explored in our infertility journey. If, after 3 months of Lovenox there is no pregnancy, I will most likely go see Dr. Kwak-Kim in Chicago. I've been hearing such wonderful things about her, and I do think she can help, if Lovenox alone does not.
Most likely we'll continue fertility treatment at least until the Home Study picks up again. The original plan was to stop in September, but I will not be able to NOT work on becoming a mommy in any capacity for 3 or more months, so that's not gonna happen now.
Everyone's comments on my last post were very much appreciated, and I want you to know I read them several times and have taken them to heart. My biggest hurdle right now is trying to understand WHY this happened. I was pretty stable in my infertility, and have been trying my best to embrace that cross for a long time, now. This year I've experienced a true appreciation of the cross, in that it was the vehicle that lead me and DH into adoption. Once we realized that God had intended us to adopt NOW, and not our youngest child (which was what we had planned), we were truly excited and thrilled to get our hearts and homes ready for OUR BABY through adoption.
But now? I just cannot understand why God would slam that door in our face. Our infertility had a greater purpose; it had become a beautiful thing. Now, once again, it is meaningless, bears no fruit, and is only there to cause us more suffering.
At least, this is how it FEELS to us at the moment. I know it's not for us to know or understand God's motives, but I simply cannot figure this one out. If, by some unlikely miracle, we are to achieve pregnancy in the next 6 months, then a) why did God make us wait so long for it, and b) why did He call us to adopt?
And if instead He does intend for us to become parents through adoption, then why make us wait over a year to get approved when everyone else does it in 3-4 months? The final scenario, of course, is the one that seems most likely, since it's the easiest to explain. If God did not intend for us to become parents at all. Clearly, handing us infertility and inability to adopt would be the way for Him to accomplish that one. Then the only question remaining is the biggest one. WHY? Why, God, why?
As usual, when I feel completely hopeless, the Mass readings speak to me. This week it was the 2nd reading, from St. Paul. He begged God to deliver him from the "thorn in his flesh" (some kind of physical ailment that St. Paul suffered from, many believe it was epilepsy), and God told him that it was through the thorn that His power was made perfect. St. Paul learns that in his weakness, he is strong.
It is difficult for me in this current situation to learn how God's power is being made perfect in my infertility. I would much easier accept the idea of a new human life being brought into a loving, Christian home as a manifestation of God's perfection. I am really, truly, struggling in my understanding right now. But what I know is that the reading this week is for all of us. No one is excluded from any of God's words in the Bible, and there is a way for each and every one of us to take those words and apply them to our lives. So, while I may not understand it right now, I know that God was letting me know that there IS INDEED a purpose for my infertility. A purpose which makes his power grow to perfection, and a purpose in making me stronger through my weakness. Since the adoption mishap made me MOST upset because it stripped my infertility of meaning and purpose, I was comforted at Mass to listen to that reading and know that it does still have meaning.
Just don't ask me what that meaning is.
I really don't know how some of you have done this for longer. FJIEJ, AYWH, Sew, JB, LIM... I know I'm forgetting a bunch... but seriously, HOW do you survive? I remember the 2-Year mark feeling like death itself. I guess death will be re-visited at the 3-Year mark.
DH and I have now shifted focus and are putting a lot of energy into our TTC efforts. I had been looking forward to working on our adoption Profile Book this summer, but now instead I am exploring every last avenue that has yet to be explored in our infertility journey. If, after 3 months of Lovenox there is no pregnancy, I will most likely go see Dr. Kwak-Kim in Chicago. I've been hearing such wonderful things about her, and I do think she can help, if Lovenox alone does not.
Most likely we'll continue fertility treatment at least until the Home Study picks up again. The original plan was to stop in September, but I will not be able to NOT work on becoming a mommy in any capacity for 3 or more months, so that's not gonna happen now.
Everyone's comments on my last post were very much appreciated, and I want you to know I read them several times and have taken them to heart. My biggest hurdle right now is trying to understand WHY this happened. I was pretty stable in my infertility, and have been trying my best to embrace that cross for a long time, now. This year I've experienced a true appreciation of the cross, in that it was the vehicle that lead me and DH into adoption. Once we realized that God had intended us to adopt NOW, and not our youngest child (which was what we had planned), we were truly excited and thrilled to get our hearts and homes ready for OUR BABY through adoption.
But now? I just cannot understand why God would slam that door in our face. Our infertility had a greater purpose; it had become a beautiful thing. Now, once again, it is meaningless, bears no fruit, and is only there to cause us more suffering.
At least, this is how it FEELS to us at the moment. I know it's not for us to know or understand God's motives, but I simply cannot figure this one out. If, by some unlikely miracle, we are to achieve pregnancy in the next 6 months, then a) why did God make us wait so long for it, and b) why did He call us to adopt?
And if instead He does intend for us to become parents through adoption, then why make us wait over a year to get approved when everyone else does it in 3-4 months? The final scenario, of course, is the one that seems most likely, since it's the easiest to explain. If God did not intend for us to become parents at all. Clearly, handing us infertility and inability to adopt would be the way for Him to accomplish that one. Then the only question remaining is the biggest one. WHY? Why, God, why?
As usual, when I feel completely hopeless, the Mass readings speak to me. This week it was the 2nd reading, from St. Paul. He begged God to deliver him from the "thorn in his flesh" (some kind of physical ailment that St. Paul suffered from, many believe it was epilepsy), and God told him that it was through the thorn that His power was made perfect. St. Paul learns that in his weakness, he is strong.
It is difficult for me in this current situation to learn how God's power is being made perfect in my infertility. I would much easier accept the idea of a new human life being brought into a loving, Christian home as a manifestation of God's perfection. I am really, truly, struggling in my understanding right now. But what I know is that the reading this week is for all of us. No one is excluded from any of God's words in the Bible, and there is a way for each and every one of us to take those words and apply them to our lives. So, while I may not understand it right now, I know that God was letting me know that there IS INDEED a purpose for my infertility. A purpose which makes his power grow to perfection, and a purpose in making me stronger through my weakness. Since the adoption mishap made me MOST upset because it stripped my infertility of meaning and purpose, I was comforted at Mass to listen to that reading and know that it does still have meaning.
Just don't ask me what that meaning is.
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