On the way down to the shrine last night, I was on the phone with Sew. I confided in her that I was looking forward to the Mass in St. Gianna's honor, because honestly, she wasn't a Saint that I had really prayed to before... I have kept to the same basic 3 or 4 who have become my patron saints through the years, and didn't feel like I should just "jump on the St. Gianna bandwagon" just because, ya know??
Anyway, I was hoping that the Mass would change my perspective on St. Gianna, and allow me to take her on as my own powerful intercessor.
That it surely did!
Now, the story I'm about to tell is going to sound so hokey, it'll probably make you all want to a)throw up, or b) throw things at me. I didn't want to share it for that reason. The last thing I want is for you to think I'm "holier than thou," because TRUST ME, I am NOT!
I need to back up here and explain a change that came over me around Easter time. On Holy Thursday after Mass, when I spent time at the Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament, I believe I received a big answer to my prayers. Prayers I had not even really voiced before. There, as I talked to Jesus (silently, Sew, not with my mouth wide open!), I began to think about life without children. Life in a holy Sacrament of Marriage, and life full of Christ, but without children. One of my clients, who had struggled with IF for years and is now in her mid-40s and living a childless life with her spouse came to mind. Could I do that? The answer came so clearly - Yes! It would not be my CHOICE to live without children, but somehow, someway, in front of that Eucharist, I realized that the same Eucharist is all I really need.
[Insert gag here, but don't vomit yet, 'cuz you'll need that later.]
Ever since Holy Thursday, I have not felt the same way about our infertility, or about our treatments. I have been wanting to get rid of the infection, for health reasons, and I've been a BIG fan of the Hydrocort because it makes me feel so much better, but I haven't really had my full heart in trying to achieve a pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I would still feel overwhelmed in blessing if it were to happen, but I wasn't heartbroken when my period arrived last time. And with these new plans for ultrasound tech training, I feel like my life right now needs to serve ANOTHER purpose.
That being said, yesterday during the Mass while I was praying to St. Gianna, and I thought about how much lighter my cross has felt these days, I prayed the following: "St. Gianna, please pray for all of my blog friends and their husbands, namely [insert names], and please allow me to carry their cross for them so that their cross can be relieved. I feel strong and able, and I can endure another 'x' amount of years. I know I can. So please, if it be God's will, give me their cross and allow them to conceive healthy children soon." (Inwardly I thought to myself, it would be great if they could all get pregnant one after another!)
[Ok, if you've been holding in your vomit, feel free to let it go now.]
Now, I'm not saying St. Gianna took me up on this offer, or that it pleased God... that I do not know. But friends, I DO know that St. Gianna went to work on our group right away!! First, Life in Mazes got tremendous news yesterday, and there is a great chance Fertile Thoughts will follow! Even without my prayers, I don't think it's a coincidence that Life in Mazes got her positive on St. Gianna's Feast Day!!
How wild is that? St. Gianna is so powerful, and I'm so ashamed I never "took" her into my life before yesterday... but as Living Advent pointed out, I think she came into my life at just the time God wanted her to. I will now be praying for her intercession daily :)
I wanted to share this with you because of how powerful I think St. Gianna's prayers are. After Mass, AYWH and I went down to the Church basement for refreshments (which we never did get to partake in, actually!), and read a lot of information about St. Gianna which was displayed on posterboards, etc. Did you know that her 2nd miracle was a woman in Brazil who went more than 60 days WITHOUT AMNIOTIC FLUID?? She delivered a healthy baby by C-Section, and during the procedure, the Drs needed to surgically remove the baby's foot from the side of the woman's uterus, where it had sort of "fused" due to lack of amniotic fluid!! UNREAL! So, in comparison, the work I see her doing in our group already is really peanuts :)
While I was saying goodbye to AYWH last night, I remember telling her that it was all starting to make sense why we were given this cross to begin with. Does it seem that way to all of you, too? Doesn't it seem like our cross is coming full circle, leading us to bigger and better things that we may never have envisioned for ourselves before? I don't know about the rest of you, but if I were given the chance today to go back to my wedding day and deny my cross then and there, I wouldn't take that chance! I would have missed out on soooo many blessings.
Santa Gianna, prega per noi!
**Update: I can't believe I actually forgot this, but TODAY I received the results from my Immunology testing. And?? Despite the fact that I have an infection running rampant in my body, and Dr Toth himself expected my NK cells to be running amuck... I am IN THE CLEAR! The *only* concern was that 1 of the cells from me and my DH's DQAlpha was a match. However, the Dr. said if that was the cause of the infertility, that it would display itself in elevated NK cells. So, basically, we could do treatment if we really wanted to, but my immune system is healthy! Man, those gloves work quickly ;)
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Two Bits of News...
That phrase is kind of a running joke in my family. :)
But today I have my own two bits of news. And no, one is not that I am pregnant.
First, I FINALLY made it to St. Gianna's shrine in Warminster, PA! Don't ask me what took me so long to get there... I had emailed the place last year to find out about veneration times (for the gloves), and just never got around to making the trip. For some reason, I then forgot where the shrine actually was, and was thinking it was close to Harrisburg (2 hrs from me).
As it turns out, Warminster is ONE HOUR from me!! Door-to-door! It's so sad, my a cappella group practices in a town in NJ just about 15 minutes north of the shrine every Tuesday night... so I make that trip every week, and this is my first visit to the shrine. Doh! But at least I finally got there :) It was SO WORTH IT! The Mass was beautiful, the music was awesome (Servant Song, and Behold the Lamb, which are two of my favorites. Actually, we chose Behold the Lamb as the Communion song during our wedding.) and the homily was also excellent.
Sew, you would have got a big kick out of THIS one: during the prayers of the faithful, one of the intentions was for all BARREN WOMEN! HA! I must say, I was a bit insulted :P I don't want to be called BARREN, thank-you-very-much! I'm not accepting those prayers!
And finally, at the end of Mass, we all got on line to venerate the gloves. It was really special... I don't know why this is, but any time I've ever been in the presence of a relic, or a Saint's body (or body part - - I know, it's a gross image, but they did "split up and share" the saints remains a lot in Italy back in the day), I always draw a complete blank. My mind just goes... blank! So right before I held the gloves, I prayed to St. Gianna, and afterwards, I said another prayer in front of her picture. But while holding the gloves, I didn't have ONE THOUGHT. Not one prayer! What the heck is wrong with me?? Well, I hope that just in holding the gloves to my ring, cross, and uterus, that the blessings came through me. (I'm also kicking myself because my rosary was RIGHT IN MY PURSE!!! I didn't even take it out!!! AHHHH!)
Ok, so the second bit of news...
I met AYWH! And some (not mentioning any names) were more excited about this bit of news than the first :) I must say, it was definitely a highlight! She and her husband are just so sweet and unassuming- - JUST LIKE they come across online. Very down-to-earth and outgoing. It was really a pleasure to share this experience with them, and I hope I'll get to see them again whenever they come up to the NY/NJ/PA area in the future.
(I'm also relying on her to post all the pics, since I left my camera at home and my phone in the car.)
I wrote some prayer card intentions for all of you, and also prayed during Mass (at the transubstantiation to be exact) for all of your intentions.
It was a really lovely day.
St. Gianna, pray for us!
But today I have my own two bits of news. And no, one is not that I am pregnant.
First, I FINALLY made it to St. Gianna's shrine in Warminster, PA! Don't ask me what took me so long to get there... I had emailed the place last year to find out about veneration times (for the gloves), and just never got around to making the trip. For some reason, I then forgot where the shrine actually was, and was thinking it was close to Harrisburg (2 hrs from me).
As it turns out, Warminster is ONE HOUR from me!! Door-to-door! It's so sad, my a cappella group practices in a town in NJ just about 15 minutes north of the shrine every Tuesday night... so I make that trip every week, and this is my first visit to the shrine. Doh! But at least I finally got there :) It was SO WORTH IT! The Mass was beautiful, the music was awesome (Servant Song, and Behold the Lamb, which are two of my favorites. Actually, we chose Behold the Lamb as the Communion song during our wedding.) and the homily was also excellent.
Sew, you would have got a big kick out of THIS one: during the prayers of the faithful, one of the intentions was for all BARREN WOMEN! HA! I must say, I was a bit insulted :P I don't want to be called BARREN, thank-you-very-much! I'm not accepting those prayers!
And finally, at the end of Mass, we all got on line to venerate the gloves. It was really special... I don't know why this is, but any time I've ever been in the presence of a relic, or a Saint's body (or body part - - I know, it's a gross image, but they did "split up and share" the saints remains a lot in Italy back in the day), I always draw a complete blank. My mind just goes... blank! So right before I held the gloves, I prayed to St. Gianna, and afterwards, I said another prayer in front of her picture. But while holding the gloves, I didn't have ONE THOUGHT. Not one prayer! What the heck is wrong with me?? Well, I hope that just in holding the gloves to my ring, cross, and uterus, that the blessings came through me. (I'm also kicking myself because my rosary was RIGHT IN MY PURSE!!! I didn't even take it out!!! AHHHH!)
Ok, so the second bit of news...
I met AYWH! And some (not mentioning any names) were more excited about this bit of news than the first :) I must say, it was definitely a highlight! She and her husband are just so sweet and unassuming- - JUST LIKE they come across online. Very down-to-earth and outgoing. It was really a pleasure to share this experience with them, and I hope I'll get to see them again whenever they come up to the NY/NJ/PA area in the future.
(I'm also relying on her to post all the pics, since I left my camera at home and my phone in the car.)
I wrote some prayer card intentions for all of you, and also prayed during Mass (at the transubstantiation to be exact) for all of your intentions.
It was a really lovely day.
St. Gianna, pray for us!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Quick Blogoversary Post
Just a quick note since I'm still at my parents'.
But today is my Blog-o-Versary!!! 1 Year ago today was my very first post :) I was sitting at home in my 3rd week post-laparotomy, barely able to bend over... and I found perhaps the very best outlet for all of my infertility thoughts, emotions, ponderings, questions, etc. I am so thankful that through this blog, I have met all of you. Even those commenters who lurk and post seldomly, ALL of you have made such a difference in my life over this past year, and I want you to know how grateful I am for you!!
Happy Blogoversary, from TCIE!
But today is my Blog-o-Versary!!! 1 Year ago today was my very first post :) I was sitting at home in my 3rd week post-laparotomy, barely able to bend over... and I found perhaps the very best outlet for all of my infertility thoughts, emotions, ponderings, questions, etc. I am so thankful that through this blog, I have met all of you. Even those commenters who lurk and post seldomly, ALL of you have made such a difference in my life over this past year, and I want you to know how grateful I am for you!!
Happy Blogoversary, from TCIE!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
A Dream Being Followed Through... and Advice Needed
OK, so I had a meeting with another Ultrasound school today. It's funny how this happened. At first, the only school that got back to me was the first one, which has the 12-month program starting in September (12 months is the expedited program for those with a B.A. already). But I remember really liking the second school (F.ox Institute is the name of it) on the website, but they never got back to my online inquiry.
I did finally receive a call-back from them Monday night during CCD. We played phone tag for a while until Tuesday afternoon, when we lined up this meeting today. And I must say, I was sold from the first moment. The program is MUCH more professional looking than the 1st school's. It is focused much more on the clinical, hands-on aspect, and it ONLY accepts students who have a B.A. (They are both accredited, don't worry, that was my very first question.) It is 16 months, and the 1st 4 months are classes (on campus 2 x week for only 4 hrs each day). The next 12 months combine clinical experience (they place you in a lab somewhere close to where you live) and class... starting with 1 day per week on campus, then it goes to just online class time (sort of like a live streaming-video class thing). The schedule is MUCH more flexible than the other school, which had me in classes for 8 months, M-Th 8:30am-2:30pm!!
The ONLY pitfall is the tuition difference. This second school is $10,000 more than the first school. But honestly, I really think it's worth it for the caliber of graduates they produce. (I am also eligible to take the exam for licensure with the ARDMS - American Registry of Diagnostic Medical Sonographers - right after graduation... with the first school, I would have had to work for a year in the field before taking the exam. This is a BIG difference, considering come Nov. of this year, they are requiring all sonographers to hold a license, so without the license I wouldn't be able to find placement anywhere for a year if I went to the first school!!)
And here's the best part... they have had 2 students recently hold off their enrollment for the upcoming semester, so 2 spaces have just opened for this semester... and it starts... MAY 4th!!! Less than 2 weeks!!!
It's a private school, too, so they don't just accept anyone (which will make my mother feel a lot better - when I voiced this dream to her a few weeks ago, she asked if I wasn't "too smart" to become an u/s tech. She thought I'd be better suited for medical school! Ha! Sure, Mom, if you'd like to pay for Med School, by all means, I'll take my MCATS and enroll tomorrow!)
I'm so stoked! I really hadn't planned on starting so soon, but things are looking like I will be! I'll be getting a huge loan out, of course, but I've also been finding a ton of scholarships online that I'm going to be applying for. Did you know there are scholarships for people going into a health care field who have a blood disorder?? Now, I know it's a stretch, but hey, I have the MTHFR, so I may as well use it to my advantage, kwim?!!!
My application essay will go something like this: "Please give me $$, because I want to become an u/s tech and help other people. I can't afford it since I spent all my $$ on fertility treatments. I can't get pg, because I have the MTHFR. So, if you MTHFRs will kindly show me the $$, I can make something of my life instead of living a barren existence, alone and helpless in my MTHFR." I'm totally winning that scholarship. Like, how can they say no to that?
I already looked for scholarships for women with PCOS, endo, infertility, etc. No dice. That kinda blows. When I die, a rich, childless old woman in my bed, I'm going to have someone set up a scholarship in my name for women who have infertility. If a gal can't get knocked up, and goes broke trying to get knocked up, then by golly, she deserves a chance to go get educated in a new field of her choice, change careers, and earn back some moo-lah!! I'll call it the "No Bun in the Oven, So I Gotta Bring Home the Bacon" Scholarship.
And now about that advice I needed.
Monday is my last class of CCD. :( :( :( I have really enjoyed my kids this year!! They. Were. AWESOME! I am not kidding, I don't know any other group of 4th graders as awesome as these guys. God blessed me beyond compare. Did I tell you that we read the entire children's format of Stations of the Cross for AN HOUR AND A HALF the class during Holy Week? They were attentive, they asked questions, they absorbed everything... it was unreal! I'm going to miss them.
Anyway, the advice I need is this. We know how powerful the prayers of children can be. Our Lady, and the Sacred Heart of Jesus especially are sensitive to these little ones' prayers. Do you think I should ask them after our last class to please pray for me and DH, and tell them about how we hope to become parents?? I just don't know if that is stepping over some line or not? What would you do?
I am leaving tomorrow for NY. My parents got DH a gift certificate for The C.ulinary I.nstitute (where DH went to school, and where we got married) for his 30th bday, so we are having lunch at the Escoffier French restaurant tomorrow! I'll be staying through the weekend, to make some arrangements with my sister/s for my parents' 40th Anniversary Party. They'll be celebrating 40 Years of marriage on August 30th :)
I'll probably get online, but won't be posting anything this weekend.
I did finally receive a call-back from them Monday night during CCD. We played phone tag for a while until Tuesday afternoon, when we lined up this meeting today. And I must say, I was sold from the first moment. The program is MUCH more professional looking than the 1st school's. It is focused much more on the clinical, hands-on aspect, and it ONLY accepts students who have a B.A. (They are both accredited, don't worry, that was my very first question.) It is 16 months, and the 1st 4 months are classes (on campus 2 x week for only 4 hrs each day). The next 12 months combine clinical experience (they place you in a lab somewhere close to where you live) and class... starting with 1 day per week on campus, then it goes to just online class time (sort of like a live streaming-video class thing). The schedule is MUCH more flexible than the other school, which had me in classes for 8 months, M-Th 8:30am-2:30pm!!
The ONLY pitfall is the tuition difference. This second school is $10,000 more than the first school. But honestly, I really think it's worth it for the caliber of graduates they produce. (I am also eligible to take the exam for licensure with the ARDMS - American Registry of Diagnostic Medical Sonographers - right after graduation... with the first school, I would have had to work for a year in the field before taking the exam. This is a BIG difference, considering come Nov. of this year, they are requiring all sonographers to hold a license, so without the license I wouldn't be able to find placement anywhere for a year if I went to the first school!!)
And here's the best part... they have had 2 students recently hold off their enrollment for the upcoming semester, so 2 spaces have just opened for this semester... and it starts... MAY 4th!!! Less than 2 weeks!!!
It's a private school, too, so they don't just accept anyone (which will make my mother feel a lot better - when I voiced this dream to her a few weeks ago, she asked if I wasn't "too smart" to become an u/s tech. She thought I'd be better suited for medical school! Ha! Sure, Mom, if you'd like to pay for Med School, by all means, I'll take my MCATS and enroll tomorrow!)
I'm so stoked! I really hadn't planned on starting so soon, but things are looking like I will be! I'll be getting a huge loan out, of course, but I've also been finding a ton of scholarships online that I'm going to be applying for. Did you know there are scholarships for people going into a health care field who have a blood disorder?? Now, I know it's a stretch, but hey, I have the MTHFR, so I may as well use it to my advantage, kwim?!!!
My application essay will go something like this: "Please give me $$, because I want to become an u/s tech and help other people. I can't afford it since I spent all my $$ on fertility treatments. I can't get pg, because I have the MTHFR. So, if you MTHFRs will kindly show me the $$, I can make something of my life instead of living a barren existence, alone and helpless in my MTHFR." I'm totally winning that scholarship. Like, how can they say no to that?
I already looked for scholarships for women with PCOS, endo, infertility, etc. No dice. That kinda blows. When I die, a rich, childless old woman in my bed, I'm going to have someone set up a scholarship in my name for women who have infertility. If a gal can't get knocked up, and goes broke trying to get knocked up, then by golly, she deserves a chance to go get educated in a new field of her choice, change careers, and earn back some moo-lah!! I'll call it the "No Bun in the Oven, So I Gotta Bring Home the Bacon" Scholarship.
And now about that advice I needed.
Monday is my last class of CCD. :( :( :( I have really enjoyed my kids this year!! They. Were. AWESOME! I am not kidding, I don't know any other group of 4th graders as awesome as these guys. God blessed me beyond compare. Did I tell you that we read the entire children's format of Stations of the Cross for AN HOUR AND A HALF the class during Holy Week? They were attentive, they asked questions, they absorbed everything... it was unreal! I'm going to miss them.
Anyway, the advice I need is this. We know how powerful the prayers of children can be. Our Lady, and the Sacred Heart of Jesus especially are sensitive to these little ones' prayers. Do you think I should ask them after our last class to please pray for me and DH, and tell them about how we hope to become parents?? I just don't know if that is stepping over some line or not? What would you do?
I am leaving tomorrow for NY. My parents got DH a gift certificate for The C.ulinary I.nstitute (where DH went to school, and where we got married) for his 30th bday, so we are having lunch at the Escoffier French restaurant tomorrow! I'll be staying through the weekend, to make some arrangements with my sister/s for my parents' 40th Anniversary Party. They'll be celebrating 40 Years of marriage on August 30th :)
I'll probably get online, but won't be posting anything this weekend.
Monday, April 20, 2009
A Lesson from Susan Boyle
Unless you've been under a rock for the past week, I'm sure you've heard of or seen the new British "sensation," Susan Boyle. Susan is a 47 year old, unemployed, never been married (or kissed) English woman, who many would describe as "frumpy." She was recently seen on Britain's Got Talent, where she gave audience members, judges, and now 34 million and counting YouTube viewers the shock of their lives. (If you have not seen the video, go YouTube it now... trust me, you won't regret it.)
Susan sang "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Mis. And as I watched this video for the first time last week (I have since watched it several more times), I was brought to tears, just like millions of people before me. But was it just the "surprise" of the angelic, pure voice coming from this sweet, unassuming woman that did it? No, I knew it was more than that. It was the music. It was her PERFECT choice of song selection, matched with her honest character (which shone so clearly through her disheveled hair, bushy eyebrows, snug-fitting frock, dark stockings and beige heels).
"I Dreamed a Dream." And she did. She dreamed a dream in time gone by, when hopes were high, and life worth living. That is evident. Before beginning her performance, Susan told the judges she aspired to be like Elaine Page. Her dream. But was it too late? In that moment on stage, she became Fantine: the aged-beyond-her-years single mother, struggling to find security in life and in love. Struggling to achieve her dreams, for herself and for her daughter. And finally succumbing to the fact that her dream has been killed... by life.
Les Mis has been my favorite musical since it was first performed on Broadway in the late 1980s. No, I did not see it at that age, I saw it for the first time performed by a traveling cast at West Point's Theatre when I was 8 years old. But my oldest sister saw it on Broadway when it opened- and as a junior in HS, she was so moved by the story, music, characters, and lyrics, she came home and gave anyone who would listen a play-by-play, equipped with the soundtrack and a large picture book. And I listened. I was enamored with Les Mis from the first note, from the first word my sister told me about it.
As a 6 year old, I was mesmerized with the character of Young Cosette. She was the one I could relate to. No, I wasn't an orphaned French girl, put to work by her foster "parents" like Cinderella... but I was a young girl, and a dreamer like Cosette. When my mother (who also fell in love with the soundtrack my sister brought home with her) would play the CD, I would sneak downstairs and act out the scene to "Castle on a Cloud."
When I entered junior high school, suddenly I was drawn to a different character. Still a dreamer at heart, I could "relate" to Cosette as she, too, aged in the musical... however, my dreams were now much more focused on love. Crushes on boys, that never turned into anything more. Helpless romantic that I was, I would dream that my crush of the moment would one day turn to me and say I was the one... but, like another character in Les Mis, I quickly discovered I was on my own. I was Eponine. And like Eponine, I continued to watch as the boys I so desperately sought to attract would date other girls... and ignore me. By this time, I had my own CD of Les Mis, so I would blare it in my bedroom, and act out the scenes to "On My Own," "A Heart Full of Love," and "A Little Fall of Rain."
And now a new shift in characters has seemingly taken place. I no longer feel the pain of Eponine (thank GOD... teenage angst really does suck)! But as I watched Susan Boyle sing the words of Fantine, and emote them so poignantly, I realized right away why the tears were streaming down my face. I am now the dreamer in Fantine.
In my (not-so-distant) youth, it seemed nothing could go wrong. I had found the man of my dreams, and married him. I had big dreams for our life, for our future together. No song was unsung, no wine was untasted, as we embarked on our journey together 3 years ago.
But as my life has gone on, it has become increasingly more clear that "there are dreams that cannot be, and there are storms we cannot weather."
"I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living, so different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."
And with those final words of Fantine's song, there is a resolution. A resolution to the fact that the life of "dreaming" has come to an end. No more little girl fantasies of beautiful ladies in castles in the sky. No more teenage dreams of a love that fills you to the very core and satisfies your every need. And no more dreams of a young adult, hoping to turn back the clocks and live once again in blissful ignorance of what was to come of her life.
But it was more than my connection to Fantine in Susan Boyle's performance that moved me. At the moment Susan sang those final words of resolution- - when she, herself, was feeling the resolution of "this is my final dream of singing, and then I must accept my life as it is- not the dream I had dreamed, but the hell it has become," there was a most incredible paradox happening. The audience was on its feet. The cheers were so loud one could hardly hear the final notes Susan sang. The judges had tears in their eyes and bottom jaws were dropped. This was not in alignment with the "resolution" and closing of "I Dreamed a Dream." Instead, Susan was receiving validation, justification, that her dream has NOT been killed. Her dream MUST go on.
And in that moment, I not only connected to Fantine, but I connected to Susan. How must she have felt to see all of those people giving her a standing ovation? How did she feel to triumphantly march off the stage as the applause rumbled on behind her (and the judges had to yell out to bring her back for their comments!)? She must have felt pretty damn good.
Sometimes all we need is a cheering section to let us know our dreams ARE attainable. You, my friends, have been my cheering section. Every time I feel like resigning, and singing the final bar of my "dream" song, your applause keeps me going. And I don't know just how to repay you for that gift, except to cheer right back for you, and others who dream our dream.
This is the lesson I've learned from Susan Boyle.
Susan sang "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Mis. And as I watched this video for the first time last week (I have since watched it several more times), I was brought to tears, just like millions of people before me. But was it just the "surprise" of the angelic, pure voice coming from this sweet, unassuming woman that did it? No, I knew it was more than that. It was the music. It was her PERFECT choice of song selection, matched with her honest character (which shone so clearly through her disheveled hair, bushy eyebrows, snug-fitting frock, dark stockings and beige heels).
"I Dreamed a Dream." And she did. She dreamed a dream in time gone by, when hopes were high, and life worth living. That is evident. Before beginning her performance, Susan told the judges she aspired to be like Elaine Page. Her dream. But was it too late? In that moment on stage, she became Fantine: the aged-beyond-her-years single mother, struggling to find security in life and in love. Struggling to achieve her dreams, for herself and for her daughter. And finally succumbing to the fact that her dream has been killed... by life.
Les Mis has been my favorite musical since it was first performed on Broadway in the late 1980s. No, I did not see it at that age, I saw it for the first time performed by a traveling cast at West Point's Theatre when I was 8 years old. But my oldest sister saw it on Broadway when it opened- and as a junior in HS, she was so moved by the story, music, characters, and lyrics, she came home and gave anyone who would listen a play-by-play, equipped with the soundtrack and a large picture book. And I listened. I was enamored with Les Mis from the first note, from the first word my sister told me about it.
As a 6 year old, I was mesmerized with the character of Young Cosette. She was the one I could relate to. No, I wasn't an orphaned French girl, put to work by her foster "parents" like Cinderella... but I was a young girl, and a dreamer like Cosette. When my mother (who also fell in love with the soundtrack my sister brought home with her) would play the CD, I would sneak downstairs and act out the scene to "Castle on a Cloud."
When I entered junior high school, suddenly I was drawn to a different character. Still a dreamer at heart, I could "relate" to Cosette as she, too, aged in the musical... however, my dreams were now much more focused on love. Crushes on boys, that never turned into anything more. Helpless romantic that I was, I would dream that my crush of the moment would one day turn to me and say I was the one... but, like another character in Les Mis, I quickly discovered I was on my own. I was Eponine. And like Eponine, I continued to watch as the boys I so desperately sought to attract would date other girls... and ignore me. By this time, I had my own CD of Les Mis, so I would blare it in my bedroom, and act out the scenes to "On My Own," "A Heart Full of Love," and "A Little Fall of Rain."
And now a new shift in characters has seemingly taken place. I no longer feel the pain of Eponine (thank GOD... teenage angst really does suck)! But as I watched Susan Boyle sing the words of Fantine, and emote them so poignantly, I realized right away why the tears were streaming down my face. I am now the dreamer in Fantine.
In my (not-so-distant) youth, it seemed nothing could go wrong. I had found the man of my dreams, and married him. I had big dreams for our life, for our future together. No song was unsung, no wine was untasted, as we embarked on our journey together 3 years ago.
But as my life has gone on, it has become increasingly more clear that "there are dreams that cannot be, and there are storms we cannot weather."
"I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living, so different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."
And with those final words of Fantine's song, there is a resolution. A resolution to the fact that the life of "dreaming" has come to an end. No more little girl fantasies of beautiful ladies in castles in the sky. No more teenage dreams of a love that fills you to the very core and satisfies your every need. And no more dreams of a young adult, hoping to turn back the clocks and live once again in blissful ignorance of what was to come of her life.
But it was more than my connection to Fantine in Susan Boyle's performance that moved me. At the moment Susan sang those final words of resolution- - when she, herself, was feeling the resolution of "this is my final dream of singing, and then I must accept my life as it is- not the dream I had dreamed, but the hell it has become," there was a most incredible paradox happening. The audience was on its feet. The cheers were so loud one could hardly hear the final notes Susan sang. The judges had tears in their eyes and bottom jaws were dropped. This was not in alignment with the "resolution" and closing of "I Dreamed a Dream." Instead, Susan was receiving validation, justification, that her dream has NOT been killed. Her dream MUST go on.
And in that moment, I not only connected to Fantine, but I connected to Susan. How must she have felt to see all of those people giving her a standing ovation? How did she feel to triumphantly march off the stage as the applause rumbled on behind her (and the judges had to yell out to bring her back for their comments!)? She must have felt pretty damn good.
Sometimes all we need is a cheering section to let us know our dreams ARE attainable. You, my friends, have been my cheering section. Every time I feel like resigning, and singing the final bar of my "dream" song, your applause keeps me going. And I don't know just how to repay you for that gift, except to cheer right back for you, and others who dream our dream.
This is the lesson I've learned from Susan Boyle.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Slacker *UPDATED*
In more ways than one. I haven't posted too much lately. Strike that, I have posted a lot, but not in many different posts, usually I save it all up and post a hodge-podge of thoughts and emotions that make no sense and don't really go together.
But I'm also slacking on work! I was given a bunch of editing/proofreading stuff to do by my Dr. in the very beginning of March... and my lazy, pre-Hydrocort butt was too lazy to do any of it, and now she'd like them all by Monday at the latest! Eeek!! I really can't believe I put it off this long. I mean, it was nice enough for her to even give me this work to do for an hourly rate... so Divine Mercy Sunday will be Divine Proofreading Sunday for me. (I did get a big batch done today, but I have like 2 more big batches to go.)
And who else is a slacker? Oh, just about ALL of my clients!! I can't even tell you how many appointments have been cancelled, rescheduled, cancelled again, or no-shows this month! I just hope I'm not being too "easy." I mean, this IS my livelihood, here, not some hobby of mine! It really does affect me when I go from having 6 follow-ups scheduled in a week to just having ONE. Baaaahhh! Just another reason to get my ultrasound tech training done, so I don't have to rely on follow-ups solely for my salary.
I've been eating really healthy lately, and WHAT an improvement it has made! I spoke with the nutritionist that the HypnoFertility therapist recommended, but his rates were WAY too high for me to afford right now, so I decided to just listen to my body and my own logic, and just start buying healthy (organic if possible) foods. I love me some falafel wraps, so I think I had about 5 of them last week, lol! I make the falafel from a box mix by adding water, then broil it instead of frying. In the wrap I add thinly-sliced carrots, cucumber, tomato, red onion, and sometimes sprinkle flax seeds in there, too. I coat the wrap in tahini paste, first (I LOVE love love tahini in this wrap!!), and omg, the result is to die for. And let me just tell you, I have been more regular then I've ever been in my LIFE!
Tonight I'm making veggie burgers, with spinach, onion, and tomato.
I just saw a recipe in a magazine for a salad, and need to know if I'm the only one who thinks this is absolutely disgusting. It calls for potstickers, strawberries, and spinach. Potstickers??! Really?!??! It says you can substitute tortellini for the potstickers, which I may try, but yuck, I would NOT put strawberries with potstickers!! I'm wondering if someone copied this out of a recipe book that was ripped by accident. Kinda like Friends, with Rachel's Truffle. "A layer of whipped cream, a layer of strawberry jam, a layer of beef sauteed with peas and onions, a layer of ladyfingers..."
I took my increased oral antibiotics yesterday since it was CD 1. I did get pretty sick for about an hour, but hopefully that won't happen again. I need to take 1500 mgs now on days 1, 4, 8, and 12, instead of the usual 500 mgs days 1-10. Please God let this help!! (I was "feeling" my pelvic inflammation much more than ever this past cycle.)
Our 3rd meeting of the Catholic IF Support Group was this morning. By "our" I mean mine, and the 1 other lady who has attended the last two meetings!! Man, we started out SO WELL! I am hoping more people start coming out of the woodwork. I got so many responses and pre-registrations in the beginning, but then they never came :( I kept thinking of that line from Field of Dreams, "If you built it, they will come." I built it! Where are they?!?! I guess you can't force your help on others, huh?
**UPDATE: I almost forgot the most important thing! I happened to miss the special on EWTN with the Kurtz Family (Life on the Rock)- the amazing parents of 20 adopted children, who themselves went through infertility... anyway, by the time I realized it was even on, it was well past 8:00EST. As you all know, DH and I have been somewhat disillusioned in our adoption process lately, due to the concern of our SW over limited income/savings. DH is a self-employed general contractor, as you may remember.
OK, so as we are about to go to sleep on Friday night, I just flipped by EWTN at 1:00am (we usually don't stay up that late, so this was really odd for us), and there was a repeat of the Kurtz special! Of course we got sucked right in, and stayed up until 2:00am! Well, at one point, the father of the family was asked how he managed to handle all of his responsibilities as a Catholic father, husband, and family provider. His response: "Well, it hasn't always been easy. As a SELF-EMPLOYED GENERAL CONTRACTOR, there have certainly been good years and bad, financially." DH and I slowly turned to each other, mouths agape. This was a SIGN, if anything ever was! I am most definitely going to bring this up to our Social Worker at our next meeting with her (whenever that may be).
But I'm also slacking on work! I was given a bunch of editing/proofreading stuff to do by my Dr. in the very beginning of March... and my lazy, pre-Hydrocort butt was too lazy to do any of it, and now she'd like them all by Monday at the latest! Eeek!! I really can't believe I put it off this long. I mean, it was nice enough for her to even give me this work to do for an hourly rate... so Divine Mercy Sunday will be Divine Proofreading Sunday for me. (I did get a big batch done today, but I have like 2 more big batches to go.)
And who else is a slacker? Oh, just about ALL of my clients!! I can't even tell you how many appointments have been cancelled, rescheduled, cancelled again, or no-shows this month! I just hope I'm not being too "easy." I mean, this IS my livelihood, here, not some hobby of mine! It really does affect me when I go from having 6 follow-ups scheduled in a week to just having ONE. Baaaahhh! Just another reason to get my ultrasound tech training done, so I don't have to rely on follow-ups solely for my salary.
I've been eating really healthy lately, and WHAT an improvement it has made! I spoke with the nutritionist that the HypnoFertility therapist recommended, but his rates were WAY too high for me to afford right now, so I decided to just listen to my body and my own logic, and just start buying healthy (organic if possible) foods. I love me some falafel wraps, so I think I had about 5 of them last week, lol! I make the falafel from a box mix by adding water, then broil it instead of frying. In the wrap I add thinly-sliced carrots, cucumber, tomato, red onion, and sometimes sprinkle flax seeds in there, too. I coat the wrap in tahini paste, first (I LOVE love love tahini in this wrap!!), and omg, the result is to die for. And let me just tell you, I have been more regular then I've ever been in my LIFE!
Tonight I'm making veggie burgers, with spinach, onion, and tomato.
I just saw a recipe in a magazine for a salad, and need to know if I'm the only one who thinks this is absolutely disgusting. It calls for potstickers, strawberries, and spinach. Potstickers??! Really?!??! It says you can substitute tortellini for the potstickers, which I may try, but yuck, I would NOT put strawberries with potstickers!! I'm wondering if someone copied this out of a recipe book that was ripped by accident. Kinda like Friends, with Rachel's Truffle. "A layer of whipped cream, a layer of strawberry jam, a layer of beef sauteed with peas and onions, a layer of ladyfingers..."
I took my increased oral antibiotics yesterday since it was CD 1. I did get pretty sick for about an hour, but hopefully that won't happen again. I need to take 1500 mgs now on days 1, 4, 8, and 12, instead of the usual 500 mgs days 1-10. Please God let this help!! (I was "feeling" my pelvic inflammation much more than ever this past cycle.)
Our 3rd meeting of the Catholic IF Support Group was this morning. By "our" I mean mine, and the 1 other lady who has attended the last two meetings!! Man, we started out SO WELL! I am hoping more people start coming out of the woodwork. I got so many responses and pre-registrations in the beginning, but then they never came :( I kept thinking of that line from Field of Dreams, "If you built it, they will come." I built it! Where are they?!?! I guess you can't force your help on others, huh?
**UPDATE: I almost forgot the most important thing! I happened to miss the special on EWTN with the Kurtz Family (Life on the Rock)- the amazing parents of 20 adopted children, who themselves went through infertility... anyway, by the time I realized it was even on, it was well past 8:00EST. As you all know, DH and I have been somewhat disillusioned in our adoption process lately, due to the concern of our SW over limited income/savings. DH is a self-employed general contractor, as you may remember.
OK, so as we are about to go to sleep on Friday night, I just flipped by EWTN at 1:00am (we usually don't stay up that late, so this was really odd for us), and there was a repeat of the Kurtz special! Of course we got sucked right in, and stayed up until 2:00am! Well, at one point, the father of the family was asked how he managed to handle all of his responsibilities as a Catholic father, husband, and family provider. His response: "Well, it hasn't always been easy. As a SELF-EMPLOYED GENERAL CONTRACTOR, there have certainly been good years and bad, financially." DH and I slowly turned to each other, mouths agape. This was a SIGN, if anything ever was! I am most definitely going to bring this up to our Social Worker at our next meeting with her (whenever that may be).
Monday, April 13, 2009
Immunology, Adoption, New Career Move, and I'm Broke
So our appt with the IVF Dr (who has expertise in Immunology and Immunological Factors of IF) went rather well. Unlike my preconceived (lol, no pun intended) notion that he would shove IVF down our throats, he did not. He did sit there with a, "Well, what's the point in doing all this testing if you aren't doing IVF??" kind of attitude, but one can hardly blame him... I mean, these IVF Drs are so trained to just surpass any and every boundary standing in the way of getting pg, that it must throw them for a loop to see someone in their office who actually wants to RESTORE their NATURAL fertility.
But he did explain for us all about Auto-, Allo-, and Local Immune Testing. With Auto-Immune testing, they test to see how my body is reacting to my half of the pregnancy, and for this they run a complete APA panel. If a large number of these come back too high, I would try a heparin treatment.
With Allo-Immune Testing, they test how my body reacts to DH's half of the pregnancy. In other words, my body could be rejecting a very newly formed baby because it senses that the cells from DH are too similar to the cells from my half. Scientifically, this makes sense, because relatives aren't supposed to mate, for example. So if our DQAlpha Cells were too similar, I could be at risk of rejecting the embryos before they develop, and well before implantation. So, they tested both my and DH's DQAlpha cells to find out what they are. If we are too close of a match, we would try a IVIg-similar treatment, one that is far less expensive than IVIg, yet just as effective, called IV Intralipids. I believe I would only need 1 injection pre-conceptually, and then 1 in early pregnancy.
For the Local Immune Testing, they want to see how my uterus is responding to foreign cells, like DHs sperm. We all have Natural Killer cells, which work to fight off bacteria or infection in our body. Sometimes, as the Dr explained, they work overtime and turn into Killer Bees- attacking anything and everything that enters, even if it is supposed to be there. So they tested my NK Cells to see if they are elevated or not. (I already predicted to the Dr that they would be elevated, since my body is still fighting off the Chlamydia... but since he's not the "think outside of the box" type of Dr I'm used to in NaPro or Dr Toth, he of course responded that this shouldn't be the case because it is a "past, treated" infection and not a "present" infection. Oh, how I wish that were true :( ) With elevated NK cells, the treatment is the same as with Allo-Immunity, which would be the IV Intralipids.
Anyway, we got the tests done this morning, and we should have the results within 2 weeks. They had to be sent to a special lab in Chicago, which (of course) does not accept insurance, so I wrote a check for $996.00 today, which I don't have in the account!!! I can transfer from savings, but that literally leaves me with nothing in savings :(
Speaking of being broke, I already mentioned the one nagging "glitch" in our adoption process. Well, we are still proceeding, and our Social Worker is looking into said glitch, however, she ALSO emailed me last week to express concern over our, and I quote, "limited income and savings." Ay ay ay!! It's infuriating, especially since DH's and his father's business has been successful for over 30 years, so successful, that my FIL was able to raise a family in VERY comfortable means, in the State's most expensive township... This is the very reason my DH decided to go into the family business- - for the potential it afforded our FAMILY! Sure, they had a rough year, but who didn't?? (If you say AIG I'll kick you in the teeth.)
Well, in other news, I have a meeting tomorrow with a local grad program in ultrasound technology!! It's a calling I've felt for about a year now, and finally looked into it, why?, because it looks like I'm not going to be a bio- or adopted mom anytime soon... so the good news is, since I have BA already, my program would only be 12 months as opposed to 18. The next classes begin in September. (And yes, I know what you're thinking, I have no money, how am I going to pull off more school? Well, there are a few big checks from DHs job sites that are supposed to be coming in... any day now... omg, it feels like we've been waiting forever... which we have...!!!) So, I am pretty excited about this new prospect. I am also hoping to go out to Omaha to do some u/s training at PPVI as part of my externship, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. I just would really love to further my work in Creighton/FertilityCare/NaPro, and ultrasound fascinates me.
If you are at a loss of prayer intentions this week, please say a prayer that things start working out financially in our home!!! (Last time I asked for this, your prayers worked WONDERS, so thank you!) Please remember LifeHopes in those financial prayers, too :)
HypnoFertility Class #2 tomorrow... stay tuned...
But he did explain for us all about Auto-, Allo-, and Local Immune Testing. With Auto-Immune testing, they test to see how my body is reacting to my half of the pregnancy, and for this they run a complete APA panel. If a large number of these come back too high, I would try a heparin treatment.
With Allo-Immune Testing, they test how my body reacts to DH's half of the pregnancy. In other words, my body could be rejecting a very newly formed baby because it senses that the cells from DH are too similar to the cells from my half. Scientifically, this makes sense, because relatives aren't supposed to mate, for example. So if our DQAlpha Cells were too similar, I could be at risk of rejecting the embryos before they develop, and well before implantation. So, they tested both my and DH's DQAlpha cells to find out what they are. If we are too close of a match, we would try a IVIg-similar treatment, one that is far less expensive than IVIg, yet just as effective, called IV Intralipids. I believe I would only need 1 injection pre-conceptually, and then 1 in early pregnancy.
For the Local Immune Testing, they want to see how my uterus is responding to foreign cells, like DHs sperm. We all have Natural Killer cells, which work to fight off bacteria or infection in our body. Sometimes, as the Dr explained, they work overtime and turn into Killer Bees- attacking anything and everything that enters, even if it is supposed to be there. So they tested my NK Cells to see if they are elevated or not. (I already predicted to the Dr that they would be elevated, since my body is still fighting off the Chlamydia... but since he's not the "think outside of the box" type of Dr I'm used to in NaPro or Dr Toth, he of course responded that this shouldn't be the case because it is a "past, treated" infection and not a "present" infection. Oh, how I wish that were true :( ) With elevated NK cells, the treatment is the same as with Allo-Immunity, which would be the IV Intralipids.
Anyway, we got the tests done this morning, and we should have the results within 2 weeks. They had to be sent to a special lab in Chicago, which (of course) does not accept insurance, so I wrote a check for $996.00 today, which I don't have in the account!!! I can transfer from savings, but that literally leaves me with nothing in savings :(
Speaking of being broke, I already mentioned the one nagging "glitch" in our adoption process. Well, we are still proceeding, and our Social Worker is looking into said glitch, however, she ALSO emailed me last week to express concern over our, and I quote, "limited income and savings." Ay ay ay!! It's infuriating, especially since DH's and his father's business has been successful for over 30 years, so successful, that my FIL was able to raise a family in VERY comfortable means, in the State's most expensive township... This is the very reason my DH decided to go into the family business- - for the potential it afforded our FAMILY! Sure, they had a rough year, but who didn't?? (If you say AIG I'll kick you in the teeth.)
Well, in other news, I have a meeting tomorrow with a local grad program in ultrasound technology!! It's a calling I've felt for about a year now, and finally looked into it, why?, because it looks like I'm not going to be a bio- or adopted mom anytime soon... so the good news is, since I have BA already, my program would only be 12 months as opposed to 18. The next classes begin in September. (And yes, I know what you're thinking, I have no money, how am I going to pull off more school? Well, there are a few big checks from DHs job sites that are supposed to be coming in... any day now... omg, it feels like we've been waiting forever... which we have...!!!) So, I am pretty excited about this new prospect. I am also hoping to go out to Omaha to do some u/s training at PPVI as part of my externship, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. I just would really love to further my work in Creighton/FertilityCare/NaPro, and ultrasound fascinates me.
If you are at a loss of prayer intentions this week, please say a prayer that things start working out financially in our home!!! (Last time I asked for this, your prayers worked WONDERS, so thank you!) Please remember LifeHopes in those financial prayers, too :)
HypnoFertility Class #2 tomorrow... stay tuned...
Friday, April 3, 2009
Contractions, Infection, and Stations
It's a -tion kind of day.
I never wrote about this, for no particular reason except that I had just started my blog at the time (last Spring after my surgery), and I had lots of other thoughts that I wanted to write about.
However, some of you have talked about severe abdominal pain as a result of your endometriosis or pelvic adhesions, and thank GOD, that small part of my IF journey is over.
Shortly after my surgery, perhaps May or June of last year, I started to experience some severe, and I mean severe, abdominal pain. But not the kind of "pain" one typically thinks of when they think of "pain." Instead, it was like the most intense, sharp menstrual cramp in the world. It literally would feel like my insides were TWISTING and CONTRACTING, until suddenly it would pass. Usually right afterwards, I would have a bowel movement. Sometimes, the pain came while I was having the bowel movement, and it was so bad, that I'd have to stand up from the bowl (sorry for the tmi here, but I'm trying to be as detailed as possible). I literally would need to stand, change position, walk, or double over whenever this pain would come... much like I've seen women do during labor.
I spoke to my Dr about it, and told her it was not related specifically to any time of my cycle. Rather, it would come and go maybe 2-3 random times, sometimes pre-Peak, sometimes post-Peak. This, plus the fact that it was always coupled with a bowel movement, made her think it was not gynecological, but a digestive issue. She told me to start drinking prune juice. And this worked. What we concluded was that there were some "kinks" leftover from surgery near the bowels, and whenever a large bowel passed through the area, it needed to work past the kinks, hence causing the pain. When I told her, "You'll think I'm crazy, because I have no idea what contractions feel like, but I swear, I was having contractions!!" She replied that this was most likely exactly what was happening!
I haven't had these pains in about 4 months, probably since my antibiotic therapy. But I am actually glad that I got to experience that type of physical feeling, if that makes sense. I remember those times moving around the bathroom, standing and sitting, literally yelling out loud, "Jesus, please help me!!" (I know this sounds so silly and overdramatic, but it was really BAD!!) If I never get pregnant, or never go through labor, at least I can say that my quest for a baby DID include the physical pain of contractions! Is that weird for me to say?? I'm just so glad that I did get to feel that (but also SO glad that I am not feeling it every cycle anymore)!
I did email Dr Toth the other day, because unfortunately, the beautiful all-red periods that I had while having the uterine washes have gone back to TEBB :( The only exception to this was last month, when I was on Zithromax (from Dr Toth) and Diflucan (from my NaPro Dr for post-Peak pasty treatment)- - with the combination of both antibiotics, my period was an AMAZING 7-day, all red, only 1 day of brown spotting. So, this leads me to believe the infection is not eradicated.
He responded today that yes, unfortunately in the recent past he has seen more and more cases of CT that are resistant to his initial therapy regimen. He says to combat this he recommends increased doses of Zithromax over the course of the pre-Peak phase, and then if that shows improvement in my cycles, a follow-up course of uterine washes. I actually really want to do the uterine washes again, because I just want to KICK this darn INFECTION! (He has always said, in all of his books, that vertically transmitted infection is much more resistant than horizontally transmitted pathogens. Darn it.) So, by this point I am already on CD 14, so I will begin this new regimen next cycle, and possibly go in for uterine washes #2 in May or June. It will be less expensive, since DH does not need the prostate injections. Hopefully with the big checks DH's job is supposed to be getting soon, we can handle this unforseen expense.
Tonight I am taking part in the Living Stations :) I volunteered to be a part of it, hoping I'd get an acting part (I love to act, and haven't done any since college), but I will be one of the 2 narrators instead. I'm looking forward to it- one thing I just love about my parish is how they do Stations during Lent. Every week the Knights of Columbus put on a Lenten meal right before the Stations, and then each week the Stations are a different theme: traditional, Marian, Family, Teen, and Living Stations. Living Stations is my favorite, because it takes each Station and develops a monologue for either a real or a fictional character from Jesus' time. For example, one of the fictional characters last year was a carpenter. On the station of Jesus falling for the 1st time, the carpenter took the stage and began working on making a crucifix. He talked about how he had heard that this crucifix was going to be used to crucify another carpenter- and this made him feel guilty. He wondered what it was that the carpenter was guilty of. He wondered if he should not make the crucifix, because his craft was not meant to bring death, but to help them build a life.
I wish everyone a very fruitful, meaningful Holy Week. Truth be told, Holy Week is my favorite week of the entire year.
I never wrote about this, for no particular reason except that I had just started my blog at the time (last Spring after my surgery), and I had lots of other thoughts that I wanted to write about.
However, some of you have talked about severe abdominal pain as a result of your endometriosis or pelvic adhesions, and thank GOD, that small part of my IF journey is over.
Shortly after my surgery, perhaps May or June of last year, I started to experience some severe, and I mean severe, abdominal pain. But not the kind of "pain" one typically thinks of when they think of "pain." Instead, it was like the most intense, sharp menstrual cramp in the world. It literally would feel like my insides were TWISTING and CONTRACTING, until suddenly it would pass. Usually right afterwards, I would have a bowel movement. Sometimes, the pain came while I was having the bowel movement, and it was so bad, that I'd have to stand up from the bowl (sorry for the tmi here, but I'm trying to be as detailed as possible). I literally would need to stand, change position, walk, or double over whenever this pain would come... much like I've seen women do during labor.
I spoke to my Dr about it, and told her it was not related specifically to any time of my cycle. Rather, it would come and go maybe 2-3 random times, sometimes pre-Peak, sometimes post-Peak. This, plus the fact that it was always coupled with a bowel movement, made her think it was not gynecological, but a digestive issue. She told me to start drinking prune juice. And this worked. What we concluded was that there were some "kinks" leftover from surgery near the bowels, and whenever a large bowel passed through the area, it needed to work past the kinks, hence causing the pain. When I told her, "You'll think I'm crazy, because I have no idea what contractions feel like, but I swear, I was having contractions!!" She replied that this was most likely exactly what was happening!
I haven't had these pains in about 4 months, probably since my antibiotic therapy. But I am actually glad that I got to experience that type of physical feeling, if that makes sense. I remember those times moving around the bathroom, standing and sitting, literally yelling out loud, "Jesus, please help me!!" (I know this sounds so silly and overdramatic, but it was really BAD!!) If I never get pregnant, or never go through labor, at least I can say that my quest for a baby DID include the physical pain of contractions! Is that weird for me to say?? I'm just so glad that I did get to feel that (but also SO glad that I am not feeling it every cycle anymore)!
I did email Dr Toth the other day, because unfortunately, the beautiful all-red periods that I had while having the uterine washes have gone back to TEBB :( The only exception to this was last month, when I was on Zithromax (from Dr Toth) and Diflucan (from my NaPro Dr for post-Peak pasty treatment)- - with the combination of both antibiotics, my period was an AMAZING 7-day, all red, only 1 day of brown spotting. So, this leads me to believe the infection is not eradicated.
He responded today that yes, unfortunately in the recent past he has seen more and more cases of CT that are resistant to his initial therapy regimen. He says to combat this he recommends increased doses of Zithromax over the course of the pre-Peak phase, and then if that shows improvement in my cycles, a follow-up course of uterine washes. I actually really want to do the uterine washes again, because I just want to KICK this darn INFECTION! (He has always said, in all of his books, that vertically transmitted infection is much more resistant than horizontally transmitted pathogens. Darn it.) So, by this point I am already on CD 14, so I will begin this new regimen next cycle, and possibly go in for uterine washes #2 in May or June. It will be less expensive, since DH does not need the prostate injections. Hopefully with the big checks DH's job is supposed to be getting soon, we can handle this unforseen expense.
Tonight I am taking part in the Living Stations :) I volunteered to be a part of it, hoping I'd get an acting part (I love to act, and haven't done any since college), but I will be one of the 2 narrators instead. I'm looking forward to it- one thing I just love about my parish is how they do Stations during Lent. Every week the Knights of Columbus put on a Lenten meal right before the Stations, and then each week the Stations are a different theme: traditional, Marian, Family, Teen, and Living Stations. Living Stations is my favorite, because it takes each Station and develops a monologue for either a real or a fictional character from Jesus' time. For example, one of the fictional characters last year was a carpenter. On the station of Jesus falling for the 1st time, the carpenter took the stage and began working on making a crucifix. He talked about how he had heard that this crucifix was going to be used to crucify another carpenter- and this made him feel guilty. He wondered what it was that the carpenter was guilty of. He wondered if he should not make the crucifix, because his craft was not meant to bring death, but to help them build a life.
I wish everyone a very fruitful, meaningful Holy Week. Truth be told, Holy Week is my favorite week of the entire year.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Have I Been Hypnotized, Mesmerized, By What My Eyes Have Seen?
OK, so there have been lots of questions about how my first session went, on the blog, in my text inbox, and on FB chat, so without further adieu, here ya go:
My first HypnoFertility Session was 2 hours, and I didn't go to the "table" once. By table, I mean a really comfy looking massage table that is used for the hypnosis. Instead, I sat on an equally comfy couch, and spoke with the hypnotherapist the entire two hours.
First we went more in depth into all of my infertility diagnoses and treatments to date. She took extensive, and I mean extensive notes, which made me feel really important :) She then explained to me how hypnotherapy can help me; she quoted a few research articles, which revealed that of all of the different types of therapy people use (psychoanalysis, behavioral, and mind-body), that mind-body has been proven to be much more effective in much less time than either of the other forms of therapy. Relating to fertility, they have also found that while 20% of couples going through IF treatments can get pregnant eventually (broad, national statistic), 42-50% of those who try hypnotherapy get pregnant. So, while she cannot by any means guarantee that I will get pregnant, the studies certainly suggest that hypnosis can only help matters.
Next, we discussed my current situation- current medications, current living and work situation, just life in general. (We talked a LOT about my in-laws, and the boundary issues since we live at the same address and DH works with/for them.)
And finally, factoring in those outside life stressors, we identified as many fears that I have concerning getting pregnant, fertility, carrying to term, being a mother, labor & delivery, etc. that we could. (She said often times there will be more that come up in later sessions, because it's like turning over a rock when it comes to the fears of the subconscious mind.) This part was really fascinating. At the end of my identifying a few fears, she really had a good "read" on me. She began to tell me about myself (speaking, too, about the fact that I'm a LEO? It was cool, because she is a Leo, too, and things she was saying made total sense to me since I've studied the sign a bit). She said that this is probably the first time in my life that I've ever not succeeded at something (correct), and that is what really bothers me (correct). She said I most likely am a perfectionist (correct), got really good grades in school (correct), and have a need to be autonomous (correct).
OK, are you ready for this part?? You Surrendered Wives are going to LOVE this...
She commented that I have much more yang than yin, making my energy more of the masculine than feminine. For fertility, this is not too good- she said I need less Diana, the Huntress, and more Demeter. In other words? I need to SURRENDER to my more feminine instincts, in order to become more RECEPTIVE as the female fertility partner.
As a fire sign, she also recommended that I need to surround myself with lots of water. Since Leo rules the heart, I also have to beware of getting sluggish in terms of movement. To increase my blood flow and make sure my lymphatic system isn't sluggish (which can really pollute the pelvic area, especially), she recommended exercise. Specifically a trampouline!! My SIL has one that she doesn't use, so I may ask her to borrow it... I just need to bounce on it while watching tv, she said :) Or, at least a 30 min walk 3-4 times per week.
After hearing about my antibiotic treatment after the infection diagnosis, she asked if I was on a strong probiotic, and I admitted that I wasn't. She said I may want to look into seeing a nutritionist, which I've been thinking about doing already. But in the meantime, today I went to the health food store and picked up a probiotic specifically geared toward the "lady parts" - it increases the good flora in the hoo ha :) It had better, anyway... it was $42.00!!
After these suggestions, she then helped me to delve a little deeper into those fears I had outlined. She asked about my childhood, and the fertility in my family, etc., and in doing so we actually did discover yet another hidden negative thought concerning myself and my fertility. When I told her I was the youngest of 4 girls, but that there was a 7 yr gap between me and my next oldest sister, I smiled and joked, "Yup, I was a mistake." This is something my sister always used to tease me about growing up. I never thought it bothered me much, because they ALSO used to complain that I was/am my mother's favorite (hehe). But, she said the fact that I reiterated this "chant" from my childhood shows that it IS ingrained on my subconscious mind, and that it is causing a negative feeling- - either about my existence in this world, or perhaps even about how I was conceived on contraception and now I am experiencing infertility. (A very ironic dichotomy.)
She also addressed my concerns about the living/work situation with DH and his parents. She said this is ABSOLUTELY a valid cause of concern for me, and that young marriages early on often struggle with the IL/boundary issue. But for us, it is even worse of a struggle. Being in a family business, she said, is particularly difficult, because it is virtually impossible for the parent figure to separate his authority as the parent from his authority in the business- inevitably, they will always treat the business "partner" as a lesser, because they are the child. (I knew all of this already, but it was nice to have someone else back up my fears and validate them!) She said we really should make a plan to move to the house we are working on as soon as we can, possibly within a year. I told this to DH already, and he is definitely working on it.
I was also given homework for the next session. I am to go through my list of fears (which she wrote down for me), pick one of them, and then turn it into the opposite, most positive statement. For example, one of my fears is that I am scared to share my plans for a baby with many family members and friends, because when I'm not pregnant for so long, I will feel stigmatized and embarassed at my body's failure. So, that fear becomes the statement: "I am confident in my ability to become pregnant, and I will share my plans to have a baby with all of my friends and family." Across from the positive statement, then I will start to list out all of the gut reactions that I have to that statement. It will be like a stream of consiousness exercise, where I just write down everything that I can think of to "negate" that confidence, without censoring any of the thoughts.
What will happen, she said, is that it is like wringing out a wet towel; except I'll be wringing out the fears of my subconscious mind. At a certain point, I will notice that the "reaction" statements are reaching a turning point. One of the statements will go something like, "Well... I DO have a lot of fertility in my family, so maybe I CAN get pregnant quickly." And after that turning point statement, I will notice a shift in the reaction statements- instead of negating the original positive statement, they will begin to concur and support the positive statement.
I am about to work on this project right now, and I HIGHLY SUGGEST it for all of you, too! Start by identifying some fears, first. And remember, don't censor anything!
All-in-all, it was a great 1st session. I am going to post some links below that talk more about hypnosis, for those of you who were interested and/or concerned about it. I should stress that hypnosis is not something that is DONE TO you. All hypnosis is self-hypnosis (hence, why women can use it for hypno-birthing even without a therapist present at the time). On this website, they have a great link with common questions regarding hypnosis, which really put my mind at ease before deciding to try it:
http://www.hypnofertility.com/
And here is the link for the woman I am working with:
http://www.fertilitybirthright.com/index.asp
I should mention, as well, that she was very respectful of my moral and religious code. She told me right up front that she comes from an Interfaith background, and that is how she approaches all of her therapy- - and that if she said something that really went against what I believe in, or that I just "didn't buy it," to please feel free to dismiss it. (I think it's really cool of her to say that, because a lot of New Age types just sort of expect everyone to accept ALL beliefs; but she came right out and said I could ignore her if she says something I think it stupid or contrary to my own belief system.) I really don't think this will be an issue, anyway. For example, the whole metaphor of telling me I need to be more like Demeter rather than Diana, the Greek goddess, totally makes sense to me. I don't have to BELIEVE and worship in Greek gods in order to benefit from that advice, kwim?
If you haven't already, please check out the links, now! They really do explain a lot. More than I could in this blog entry.
My first HypnoFertility Session was 2 hours, and I didn't go to the "table" once. By table, I mean a really comfy looking massage table that is used for the hypnosis. Instead, I sat on an equally comfy couch, and spoke with the hypnotherapist the entire two hours.
First we went more in depth into all of my infertility diagnoses and treatments to date. She took extensive, and I mean extensive notes, which made me feel really important :) She then explained to me how hypnotherapy can help me; she quoted a few research articles, which revealed that of all of the different types of therapy people use (psychoanalysis, behavioral, and mind-body), that mind-body has been proven to be much more effective in much less time than either of the other forms of therapy. Relating to fertility, they have also found that while 20% of couples going through IF treatments can get pregnant eventually (broad, national statistic), 42-50% of those who try hypnotherapy get pregnant. So, while she cannot by any means guarantee that I will get pregnant, the studies certainly suggest that hypnosis can only help matters.
Next, we discussed my current situation- current medications, current living and work situation, just life in general. (We talked a LOT about my in-laws, and the boundary issues since we live at the same address and DH works with/for them.)
And finally, factoring in those outside life stressors, we identified as many fears that I have concerning getting pregnant, fertility, carrying to term, being a mother, labor & delivery, etc. that we could. (She said often times there will be more that come up in later sessions, because it's like turning over a rock when it comes to the fears of the subconscious mind.) This part was really fascinating. At the end of my identifying a few fears, she really had a good "read" on me. She began to tell me about myself (speaking, too, about the fact that I'm a LEO? It was cool, because she is a Leo, too, and things she was saying made total sense to me since I've studied the sign a bit). She said that this is probably the first time in my life that I've ever not succeeded at something (correct), and that is what really bothers me (correct). She said I most likely am a perfectionist (correct), got really good grades in school (correct), and have a need to be autonomous (correct).
OK, are you ready for this part?? You Surrendered Wives are going to LOVE this...
She commented that I have much more yang than yin, making my energy more of the masculine than feminine. For fertility, this is not too good- she said I need less Diana, the Huntress, and more Demeter. In other words? I need to SURRENDER to my more feminine instincts, in order to become more RECEPTIVE as the female fertility partner.
As a fire sign, she also recommended that I need to surround myself with lots of water. Since Leo rules the heart, I also have to beware of getting sluggish in terms of movement. To increase my blood flow and make sure my lymphatic system isn't sluggish (which can really pollute the pelvic area, especially), she recommended exercise. Specifically a trampouline!! My SIL has one that she doesn't use, so I may ask her to borrow it... I just need to bounce on it while watching tv, she said :) Or, at least a 30 min walk 3-4 times per week.
After hearing about my antibiotic treatment after the infection diagnosis, she asked if I was on a strong probiotic, and I admitted that I wasn't. She said I may want to look into seeing a nutritionist, which I've been thinking about doing already. But in the meantime, today I went to the health food store and picked up a probiotic specifically geared toward the "lady parts" - it increases the good flora in the hoo ha :) It had better, anyway... it was $42.00!!
After these suggestions, she then helped me to delve a little deeper into those fears I had outlined. She asked about my childhood, and the fertility in my family, etc., and in doing so we actually did discover yet another hidden negative thought concerning myself and my fertility. When I told her I was the youngest of 4 girls, but that there was a 7 yr gap between me and my next oldest sister, I smiled and joked, "Yup, I was a mistake." This is something my sister always used to tease me about growing up. I never thought it bothered me much, because they ALSO used to complain that I was/am my mother's favorite (hehe). But, she said the fact that I reiterated this "chant" from my childhood shows that it IS ingrained on my subconscious mind, and that it is causing a negative feeling- - either about my existence in this world, or perhaps even about how I was conceived on contraception and now I am experiencing infertility. (A very ironic dichotomy.)
She also addressed my concerns about the living/work situation with DH and his parents. She said this is ABSOLUTELY a valid cause of concern for me, and that young marriages early on often struggle with the IL/boundary issue. But for us, it is even worse of a struggle. Being in a family business, she said, is particularly difficult, because it is virtually impossible for the parent figure to separate his authority as the parent from his authority in the business- inevitably, they will always treat the business "partner" as a lesser, because they are the child. (I knew all of this already, but it was nice to have someone else back up my fears and validate them!) She said we really should make a plan to move to the house we are working on as soon as we can, possibly within a year. I told this to DH already, and he is definitely working on it.
I was also given homework for the next session. I am to go through my list of fears (which she wrote down for me), pick one of them, and then turn it into the opposite, most positive statement. For example, one of my fears is that I am scared to share my plans for a baby with many family members and friends, because when I'm not pregnant for so long, I will feel stigmatized and embarassed at my body's failure. So, that fear becomes the statement: "I am confident in my ability to become pregnant, and I will share my plans to have a baby with all of my friends and family." Across from the positive statement, then I will start to list out all of the gut reactions that I have to that statement. It will be like a stream of consiousness exercise, where I just write down everything that I can think of to "negate" that confidence, without censoring any of the thoughts.
What will happen, she said, is that it is like wringing out a wet towel; except I'll be wringing out the fears of my subconscious mind. At a certain point, I will notice that the "reaction" statements are reaching a turning point. One of the statements will go something like, "Well... I DO have a lot of fertility in my family, so maybe I CAN get pregnant quickly." And after that turning point statement, I will notice a shift in the reaction statements- instead of negating the original positive statement, they will begin to concur and support the positive statement.
I am about to work on this project right now, and I HIGHLY SUGGEST it for all of you, too! Start by identifying some fears, first. And remember, don't censor anything!
All-in-all, it was a great 1st session. I am going to post some links below that talk more about hypnosis, for those of you who were interested and/or concerned about it. I should stress that hypnosis is not something that is DONE TO you. All hypnosis is self-hypnosis (hence, why women can use it for hypno-birthing even without a therapist present at the time). On this website, they have a great link with common questions regarding hypnosis, which really put my mind at ease before deciding to try it:
http://www.hypnofertility.com/
And here is the link for the woman I am working with:
http://www.fertilitybirthright.com/index.asp
I should mention, as well, that she was very respectful of my moral and religious code. She told me right up front that she comes from an Interfaith background, and that is how she approaches all of her therapy- - and that if she said something that really went against what I believe in, or that I just "didn't buy it," to please feel free to dismiss it. (I think it's really cool of her to say that, because a lot of New Age types just sort of expect everyone to accept ALL beliefs; but she came right out and said I could ignore her if she says something I think it stupid or contrary to my own belief system.) I really don't think this will be an issue, anyway. For example, the whole metaphor of telling me I need to be more like Demeter rather than Diana, the Greek goddess, totally makes sense to me. I don't have to BELIEVE and worship in Greek gods in order to benefit from that advice, kwim?
If you haven't already, please check out the links, now! They really do explain a lot. More than I could in this blog entry.
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