HypnoFertility

Some of you may have heard of HypnoBirthing. In fact, this was the birthing method I was planning on learning during pregnancy, as a natural means of pain management during labor.

Well, last week I was watching Deliver Me, or A Baby Story, or one of those shows that makes an infertile woman weep uncontrollably (I'm a slight masochist), and the woman delivering had her HynoBirthing coach with her. The coach explained how HypnoBirthing is all about releasing the fears associated with the birth process, so that the woman no longer has tension, and she can have more control over the pain that she experiences. The idea came to me like a lightbulb going off in my head: what about hypnosis for FERTILITY? I assumed that the process of hypnosis and visualization was the same no matter what you were using it for, and I started to wonder if HypnoBirthing coaches would work with me PRE-pregnancy to help me achieve pregnancy.

So I immediately googled "HypnoBirthing" and "Fertility"- and guess what? Someone beat me to the million dollar idea :) They already practice HypnoFertility!! And there is a practitioner in my county! I contacted her online, and she called me back last night to discuss my history. After a lengthy conversation, where I spoke about my NaPro Technology treatment and diagnoses to date, she was fascinated. She kept taking notes about NaPro, saying she had never heard of it but that it sounds just wonderful! (I really sold it to her thick, playing up the holistic aspects of NaPro, and how ART usually fails because it is rushed to without or before clearing up the underlying CAUSE of the infertility. She wholeheartedly agreed, even though she does practice what is called "IVF Assist" HypnoFertility.)

We finished talking about my story, and she explained how her sessions work. It will be 5-7 sessions, 1 with just DH, that last about 1 1/2-2 hrs in length. During the sessions we will identify the sources of my fears concerning getting pregnant (including any past abortions, miscarriages, etc.), and learn how to release those fears in my mind. I'll also go home with "homework" after each session, and practice my mind-over-body awareness and positive energy shift. She said it's really important to commit to all 5-7 sessions, and not give up after 2 or 3 if it's "not working."

The session with the husband, she explained, is very similar to my sessions- they will identify and work through HIS fears associated with fertility. Often times, she said, the husband is scarred after so many months of not being able to get his wife pregnant, which really is an attack on his masculinity. He may also have deep-rooted fears about what kind of father he will be, etc.

Finally, we made my 1st appointment for April 1st!! I'm so excited! At the end of the conversation she told me that she felt I was in an excellent place to be starting Hypnosis for Fertility, because I was "10 steps ahead of the game." She said most of her fertility clients come to her not knowing what the cause of their IF is, or in the middle of an IVF cycle. But she said, "It sounds like you have identified all of the physical barriers to your fertility, and fixed them, so now we just need to remove the emotional and spiritual barriers." She said this makes me an excellent candidate, and that she thinks I will be successful! I hope so!

Of course, this is not covered by insurance, and it is slightly more expensive than acupuncture. However, I like the fact that it is a SET # of sessions, because then I can handle the budget for it. With acupuncture, I just kept trying it and trying it hoping it would result in pregnancy, but really never had an end in sight.

So, April 1st is my phone consultation with the Institute that specializes in immunological factors of IF, AND my 1st appt for HypnoFertility. I really hope that the April Fool's joke isn't on me :)

Learning to Adjust to New Plans

Well, the PLAN was to go to DirectB.uy today and purchase the beautiful honey-wood nursery furniture that I've had on my wishlist for more than 1 1/2 yrs now... it is Morigeau-Lepine, and just GORGEOUS! Here is a picture:



Isn't it divine? And we will be doing pergo floors, with different colored walls, too! (Now you know where I got the idea!)

Well. I got to DirectB.uy and started looking for the Morigeau catalogue. (The way it works is, there is no inventory on the premises of DB. Instead, they have shelves and shelves full of catalogues, with pictures of the merchandise. Then there's a pricelist in the back of each catalogue.) Guess what? No Morigeau book. I thought, hmm, that's weird, because they have it at DB online, which is where I bookmarked it... so I went to ask for help. And? They longer carry the manufacturer!! I was heartbroken (and also pissed! Why now??!!) Apparently, the manufacturer stopped working with them in November- - I was so close! (When I came home and did some research I found out why. They went bankrupt!! It was a high-end, family-run furniture place in Canada... JB and Eilyn, I'm sure you've heard of them... and in the present economy they found that people were buying less and less of the high quality stuff!!! They had to declare bankruptcy! JUST MY LUCK!!)

So, not to be deterred from my quest for a moment, I immediately switched gears and said, "OK, hon. Let's get bedroom furniture and new tables for the living room."

We found perfect coffee tables/end tables from Riverside. Here they are:



It is JUST what I was looking for! I love that it combines dark wood with slate tile top and glass.

And now for the crown and glory... the bedroom set!! (I've had it earmarked in the DB magazine for months, now, but never thought we'd be able to get it this soon!):
It's called Romantique, and it's a dark cherry wood.






Those are all of the pieces we got :) It should arrive within 12 weeks, plenty of time for me to clean the bedroom. (We do have furniture already. Maybe I should clarify that. We have a bunch of hand-me-down furniture of DH's grandmother's, great-Aunt's, and sisters. But it is seriously worn down, and doesn't all match.)

The only thing I need to do now is get a red teddy, so that I can strut around my new bedroom set like this chick:





Hahahaha, isn't that hysterical?? C'mon now, who does that?

So, after we worked out all the #s, and realized what an awesome deal we were getting for all the furniture, I looked at DH and said (you SWs would be so proud of me!), "What do you think, should we get a flat screen tv, too?"

You would have thought he was 5 yrs old on Christmas morning!! He ran, and I mean RAN over to the Samsung catalogues and started leafing through looking for his perfect 52"er :) We didn't get it yet, because they still need to check on some prices for us, but he got a large downpayment today (see, I TRUSTED and look what happened!) so we should be able to pay of the credit card quickly and put the television on it soon. Our crib is going to be DOPE, yo!

I am still pretty bummed that Morigeau Lepine is out of business. I really researched brands a lot before I picked them out. I did find a listing on craig.slist for a honey nursery set, but it's not exactly the same one as above. Still, I emailed to see if they would be willing to ship. (It's in Atlanta. I'm in NJ.) Keep your fingers crossed for me!! Or if you know anyone who wants to get rid of their Morigeau HONEY wood nursery furniture, let me know!!!

All in all, though, this was a terrific day. We turned our plan around quickly once we realized the initial plan was a no-go. And maybe, just maybe, infertility taught us how to do that.

Nothing in Particular

I feel stuck. Stuck in this everlasting moment in my quest for a baby. No news from the adoption agency yet. (Although, I did realize I was supposed to send in a copy of our health insurance card and our latest 1040; BUT our SW didn't mention this in my last email to her, so I'm not completely convinced that's what the holdup is over. Oh well.) And as far as TTC, I have a phone consultation with a reproductive specialist on April 1st, one that FJIEJ found and will also be seeing the day before that. We both feel that there may be hidden immunological factors in our infertility- - and while our recent treatments for infection should slowly combat that, and bring our immune system back up to speed, it is a good idea to make sure it is in fact moving in the right direction.

The place is actually like 10 minutes away from me!! They have several offices all over the country, and one happens to be down the road... of course, they are big on IVF (who isn't?), but they also have expertise in the immunology field, so it will be interesting to get their opinions. I do kinda feel like I'm cheating on NaPro a bit, but hey, I can't expect 1 Dr to be able to do EVERYTHING.

I started my Hydrocort on Monday. So far, so good. I can actually get out of bed before 10:00 now! (Well, I sort of have to. I take the pills at 4 times during the day, specific times, with food. Add to that the 2 other times that I take my T3, and I'm popping pills ALL DAY LONG! I feel like a little old lady.)

This weekend (Saturday), DH turns 30. I can't even tell you how much that depresses me. I just cannot believe he won't be a Dad before 30. I know that some of you out there are already past 30, or DH is, or both, and I know you're probably getting ready to kick me in the pants for saying this. But I started TTC right when I turned 25, so it's so hard for me to think about NOT being a parent in my 20s.

I am throwing him a surprise party on Sunday. I think he'll be really surprised. It will be about 25-30 people, and it's potluck (my idea)- since he's the Chef in the family who always cooks for everyone else, I decided that it's his turn to be the Pampered Chef :) I hope it turns out to be a nice day for him. I know if it were me, I would lock myself up in my bedroom and cry and wail in bed all day about turning 30 with no baby.

(Don't worry, I didn't just blow the surprise- - he doesn't read my blog, even when I ask him to!)

Tomorrow we were planning on going down to DirectB.uy to purchase the nursery furniture. Maybe that will make me feel less depressed. I know for most people that would be like pouring salt into a fresh wound, but it helps me to not be stuck in this SAME PLACE. I can't STAND feeling like this!! I need progress. I need a goal. An attainable one, unlike getting pg. So, for now my goal will be to finish up the nursery. Then to finish cleaning the house. Paint the master bathroom. If we get enough $, buy a new bedroom set (we don't actually have a bed, believe it or not. We have an amazing mattress, and box spring, but it's just up on the wheeled thing that the mattress store gives you. I want a bed!!! If I can't have a baby, I want a beautiful 4-post bed!!)

So that's another stressor, too. Finances. Aren't they always around here? DH's job is insane. I think the last time we actually got a paycheck from the business account was maybe January? Like $2,000 at that point. I can't complain too much, since our bills are taken care of out of the business account, but I HATE HATE HATE not being able to save, or go grocery shopping with my OWN MONEY!! Because we never have our OWN MONEY. Sometimes I feel like we are little kids living in his parents' house and our "allowance" is that they pay for our car bills and pet food. I know that technically it's DH's $, too, but they are totally in control of it... so it's hard not to feel totally dependent on them for every little thing. And if you knew me at all, you'd realize how much I must LOVE my DH in order to live like this!!! I'm the girl who moved out of her parents' house immediately after college and started supporting myself, because I wanted to be independent, and not continue living off someone else's dime. And look at me now!! OMG, if I think about it too much it makes my heart race, so I have to stop now.

The Surrendered Wife really helped me in this department, though. Even though she didn't address this exact situation in the book (I mean, why would she, what grown-up married couple lives with and works with the DHs parents??!!) it helped me to see that there really is no cause for me to stress about it. As long as we are getting our needs met, and we are, it shouldn't matter to me that we aren't building up a huge savings account in the meantime. Sure, it scares the living crap out of me to think we will NEVER move out of here at this rate(!!!!!!), BUT, I have to trust that my DH will find a way to get us all we need, including our dream home. One thing I do definately want to change, though, is that I WANT and NEED to do the grocery shopping. I can't have DH keep doing it, whenever his dad gives him $40 to go to the store. So I'll try what the book says, and just tell him that "I want to go grocery shopping once a week." And then I'll leave the 'how' to him.

Uggghh, have I mentioned I HATE his work situation????

So those are my thoughts for the day. Sorry I've been a little absent. I've been stewing in these negative thoughts for a while. I just need nice, stiff drink and some good weather.

Nursery * Edited with Picture

Well, in my attempt to be productive in spite of all the roadblocks, I went ahead and picked out paint colors for the nursery. We also picked out a new carpet for the living room and an area rug for the nursery (we will be picking up the old carpet in the guest room and putting down pergo... is that how you spell it?)

The only thing purchased so far is the paint, and I just went to town! I already cut in and put two coats on 2 of the walls! (We are going to have 4 different colored walls, which is what I always wanted to do in the nursery.) We left the color that was already in the guest room, called "Angel Wings"- a very light lavendar - on the front wall. On the right wall, I painted whispering peach. On the left wall, butter (yellow). And on the back wall, today I will be doing caribbean blue. Then I bought a quart of light pistachio green to put leafy/vine designs around all four walls... I'm thinking the height of wainscoating.

I will show you pictures as soon as all 4 are painted! I'm so proud of myself!

I think once we have the furniture in there, it will look sooooo nice :) I've picked out honey-stained wood nursery furniture. We already have a wood Dutailier glider that I bought on eBay, with green cushions. The area rug will be the "gender-specific" piece, so we will get one with mostly pinks if it's a girl, and one with mostly greens and blues if it's a boy. (If What's a girl or boy, you're probably thinking. Yeah, so am I.)

Anyway, that is what has been filling up my days lately. I think I'll get started on that back wall now.

By popular demand, here is a picture (from my phone, so not the best quality... you can't really appreciate the color of the whispering peach right side wall, but this gives you an idea, anyway. That door on the left in the back is the bathroom, and you can squint to see the bright green walls in there, that I decorated last year.) Notice, too, my awesome glider in the middle of the pile of chairs thrown in the middle of the room, lol!

No Dice

I just came from my hematology appointment, and long story short?: He doesn't think that the mutations are what is causing my infertility. His basic argument was two-fold. Apparently, my homocysteine levels are in perfect range. I had read that these #s can change, however, and that the MTHFR itself is more telling of a problem than the homocysteine levels. The Dr feels the opposite. Second, he said that these two clotting factor mutations that I have are venous, not arterial; meaning, they affect the blood going back to my heart, not coming from my heart to the rest of my body. In other words, if this was a serious condition for me, it could lead to heart attack, stroke, etc., but most likely is not contributing at all to early miscarriages or failed implantation. He did test me for one more clotting factor today, that had not been run initially, and that is the Lupus Anticoagulant... THIS, he says, would surely be a factor in early miscarriages, though he does think I would have had OBVIOUS miscarriages in my past if I had this disorder. But he's not ruling it out.

Bottom line is, if I test positive for the Lupus Anticoagulant, then I'll be treated preconceptually with blood thinners. If not, then I will just continue on the regimen that my NaPro Dr started me on (baby aspirin and increased folic acid).

Not exactly the answers I was looking for today. I guess it's a good thing to hear that a blood professional does NOT think I have been having early miscarriages... but at the same time, I kinda wish there was more hope in the news I did receive today :(

I have to run to CCD. That's all the news for now. That, and our homestudy has not commenced yet due to a "glitch" - - without delving too much into detail, it has to do with DH's past. I am SOOOOOOO upset/annoyed/depressed that we may never have bio children because of ME, and we may never adopt because of HIM. The whole process of TTC AND adoption are soooo screwed up, I hate it!!!!

Surrendering, Hydrocort, and Hematology, Oh My

OK, so I finally finished Sew's book, "The Surrendered Wife," and without giving too much away for those who haven't read it yet, it was a real eye-opener. I started surrendering when I was only halfway through it, and it's amazing the things I'm noticing already!!

For one, the book recommends that when your DH "resists" your surrendering control to him, because he's so used to you telling him what to do, how to do it, etc., you need to dig your heels in with the comment, "Whatever you think." Sure enough, I discovered that DH asks me A LOT about what he should do. Where to park the car, what treat to give the dogs, what dessert to order on the menu, etc. etc. (yeah, I know, surrendering has shown me just how much I used to control my poor DH, omg!!)
Anyway, I started telling him "Whatever you think," and last night the whole plan almost blew up!!

He asked my opinion on what to put on his pizza, and when I said, "Whatever you think," he goes, "Is that something your book told you to say? You've been saying that an awful lot lately!"

I turned beet red! Doh! I've been found out!

So I just turned around (my back was to him at the time), and after a long pause, replied, "Just... go with it."

Lol!

He then told me that he actually liked it, that it made him feel like his opinion was worth something. (I swear, he hasn't read the book- - but this line is almost verbatim in the book!!) So, it must work for something!

He's also ALWAYS been so sweet with little gifts here and there, but I think I've started to notice them more, if that makes sense. Like, he bought me 3 candy bars this week alone!! And on one of them, he wrote a little note and left it in the car so I would find it when I went to work... before surrendering, I may have not accepted the gifts graciously, or complained that it was Lent and he shouldn't get me candy, or that with the extra dollars he should just put it in the piggy bank, etc... but now I'm just loving how many things he does for me on a daily basis :)

I also tried the whole "Express your Desires" thing by stating what it was I wanted, but not stipulating how I wanted to get it. My brush broke a while ago, and while brushing my hair one morning with the broken brush, I just said aloud, "I want a new brush." Yesterday, he came home with a new hairbrush for me, saying, "I heard you say you wanted one, right?" Granted- - it's not the type of brush I would have picked out for myself, and previously, I'm sure I wouldn't have received the gift graciously, but the end result is it gets the job done, and it combs out tangles, so what do I care if it's not EXACTLY what I wanted? Intimacy with my husband is more important than belittling him when he went out of his way to make me happy.

OK, next line of business- the Hydrocort. I spoke with Dr Hilgers nurses at length today, and the bottom line is he still very much wants me to try the Hydrocort treatment next cycle. He explained (to his nurses who then explained to me) that it is a very low dose with no link whatsoever to cancer- - and that it would be used to 3 months at which time I would re-evaluate my symptoms. Then it is only used until a pregnancy is achieved, so it's not an indefinate thing. That made me feel a lot better. BUT, I think I may not tell my mom that I'm taking it since she's still SO nervous about it. Is that horrible?? I just know how cautious Dr Hilgers is with all of his treatments- he wouldn't just take this lightly as an "experimental drug therapy," kwim?? I truly trust his judgement on this one- I feel like God has done such amazing things through this man already, and that he wouldn't allow his treatments to harm women. But my mother doesn't quite have that same trust in his as I do. (She actually had the nerve to remind me of the time I was a teenager and the Drs wanted me to go on the pill for my irregular bleeding and she was "firmly against it." Um, yeah, first of all I ws 19. Second of all, that was NOT Dr Hilgers!!)

Third line of business: I made an appt with a hematologist for Monday. I just want some additional information on this MTHFR from someone who actually specializes in blood, clotting, etc. So we'll see what he says. He was recommended to me by a Dr friend of mine who works at the same hospital- he told me this guy is the best in the State! (I think I'm secretly hoping he'll put me on Lovenox, because I don't think baby aspirin alone is going to get me pregnant.)

I'm looking forward to having our own "surrendered circle" here online once all of us have read the book! The financial part will be the toughest for me, but I think I thought of a way to do it that won't destroy our future! It will need to be a SLOW surrendering in that department, though.

Feeling Horrible

Spiritually and Emotionally, that is. Today's readings were Abraham's near-sacrifice of Isaac, the Paul to the Romans "If God is for us, who can be against us?," and the Transfiguration. I know that there are beautiful messages that I can take from each of these readings, and usually, I do just that.

But today at Mass I was in a particularly bad "feeling sorry for myself" mood. I felt like a hypocrite, crossing myself while asking for God's blessing, and thanking Him for His generosity... all the while thinking, "What blessings? What generosity?" I started to wonder this morning, what if this news about the MTHFR isn't exactly as wonderful as I first made it out to be? I mean, if you really think about it, this is just ONE MORE THING that is wrong with me. Why am I being so naive as to think that this will be THE LAST thing they find?

Here's just a sample of things they have found "wrong" with me since November 2006 (my first NaPro appt):

anovulation
PCOS
slight insulin resistance
thyroid system dysfunction
mild endometriosis
partially blocked fallopian tubes
hormone dysfunction (general)
pelvic inflammatory disease
calcification of the cervix
CT
moderate adrenal fatigue
MTHFR (2 gene mutations)

I mean, seriously?? I'm starting to get a complex.

So I almost lost it during today's readings and the Homily, as Father spoke about Jesus answering our prayers... how is this an answer to my prayers? How can ONE PERSON have all of this wrong with them? Add to that the slight prostatitis and low morphology of my DH (probably caused by ME and my stupid vertically-transmitted CT), and how could I actually believe that there is a chance I will ever conceive and carry a child?? I must be a complete moron.

So, this realization came to me during Mass, and I had to fight back the tears as I prayed aloud with the congregation... wondering what it is I am thanking God for. From the time I was a little girl, ALL I EVER WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH with my life was to have children. I remember praying nightly, "Dear God, please let me just live long enough to have a baby. You can take me any time after that, but please let me have a baby." I am not making this stuff up. I really see no point in living if I cannot procreate.

No, I'm not suicidal. But I am having an existentialist crisis at the moment. I will more likely than not never conceive. I don't even know what to do with this right now. I've always had some hope before... but today, it seems to have faded away.

So tell me, from here on in and for the rest of my life, for what shall I pray?

GUESS. WHAT.

So apparently all the signs that I was meant to get the testing for blood clotting disorders were for a reason.

I received a call today from my Dr, and finally all of the results came back. She was only waiting for one to come back for this long (all the others had come back already, megative). But the one that took the longest, until today, was the MTHFR test. And? It came back with TWO mutations. I have MTHFR.

Oh. My. God.

I can't even tell you how I felt after that phone call. It will sound insane, but you would have thought someone told me I won the lottery. Or, maybe a better analogy would be that I was one of 5 people who won the lottery (so, I don't receive the entire grand prize, but I do win something). I don't know why this is, exactly, but part of me thinks that maybe I CAN get pregnant- - and maybe fixing this problem is all I need now to make this dream come true.

Of course, then there's the added reality of... have I been pregnant before? Was my false positive from hCG last January REALLY a false positive, or were all my early pregnancy symptoms real? Was that our baby? Do we have a soul in heaven that we don't even know about, and haven't been talking to and praying to? I wish I knew for sure. But I never will.

I do wish I had kept taking the baby aspirin that I started taking last post-Peak phase, just as a pre-caution. But I didn't know how it would affect me if I didn't have the disorder. I'm on CD 11 today, though, so it should still be early enough to help this cycle... at least, I hope so. I was also advised to increase my folic acid intake, and will now take 3 mgs per day.

I am supposed to start a new Hydrocort medication for adrenal fatigue (as per Dr Hilgers) next cycle, as well. But with this new information, I'm wondering if he will want to change this protocol, or perhaps wait a while. My mother is REALLY against me taking cortisol, because my grandmother had Addison's disease and took cortisol for the last 23 yrs of her life. She is very scared of the side effects, and regardless of what anyone says, she thinks there is a link between her prolonged steroid use and the cancer she was diagnosed with in her 70s. She wants me to go to an endocrinologist for a second opinion on this adrenal fatigue issue. All I know is that when I filled out the questionnaire that Dr Hilgers sent me, I was like, "OMG, I am not lazy like I thought! There may be a medical issue that makes me feel tired ALL the time and sleep in until 10am!!"

I'll keep you posted on this part next week when I get a chance to call PPVI.

I'm still just so stunned that I actually have MTHFR. This is so huge. I think I'll call Dr Toth tomorrow and see what he thinks of this diagnosis, and if he thinks I should add anything to my treatment. I know some women take heparin or lovenox. Hopefully the baby aspirin alone will do the trick...

Wow. Can you believe it?