MIA... Text Me!

I leave tomorrow for EPI. Not mine, but another session being offered at the same retreat center where I had mine. I offered to go help for the week with the cooking/preparing meals, etc. I'm also looking forward to a nice, quiet "retreat" of sorts, though to be perfectly honest, I am not quite sure how much free time I'll have. I have Sew's book that I'm dying to read, I'll be cooking and serving meals all day, I am bringing some proofreading work to do for my job, and during the days, I am also hoping to freshen up my Practitioner skills by sitting in on some key classes.

Tonight I had promised to make eggplant parm and chicken soup for Monday's lunch and dinner.

I remember how cold that building is (even in May), so that is one thing I'm not looking forward to. Blech :( And while I am bringing the laptop, I don't think there is internet or wi-fi, so I will be sans computer. Whatever will I do???!!

If someone gets BIG news, pleeeeease text me!! Sew and FJIEJ have my #.

Oh, and so far only 2 of the blood clotting results came back, both negative. I forget which ones. If they're all negative, I will be completely convinced that my tubes are blocked again... which will stink, since I can't do anything about that until my appeal is processed with the insurance. AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH, why is it that when I take 1 step forward, I always have to take 2 steps back?!

I took the drugs...

I don't see why, though. Seems like a perfectly good waste of eggs to me.

Today we had a transracial adoption meeting. It was very enlightening, and I think I am about 75% convinced that DH and I can handle a transracial adoption, whereas DH is about 50% convinced. Still, it's progress!

This paperwork is INSANE! Seriously, there is just so much to gather up and write, etc. Since it's a Christian agency, they are also requiring a written statement of our faith, to include what we believe about Jesus Christ and what our relationship with Him is, and how the work of the Holy Spirit is active in our lives. That alone is freaking me out- - how can you write anything that serious so candidly? I feel like I should be putting more effort into organizing my thoughts for the statement of faith than I did with my senior thesis in college!

We also have autobiographies to write, and I'm really enjoying writing mine. Mostly for the first couple of paragraphs. They want us to include how we felt about our childhood in the autobiography, so I started mine with a story from college. It opens like this:

While at lunch with some friends during my senior year of college, the question was posed: “What would you change about your childhood if you could go back and change it?” After thinking long and hard about it, I answered: “I would change how my mom would always pour the milk in my cereal and THEN call me to breakfast before school. By the time I got to the table, my cereal was always soggy, and I HATED that!”
After some blank stares and gaping mouths from my friends, one of them finally exclaimed, “Are you kidding??! THAT’S what you’d change about your childhood? Your mom prepared you breakfast every morning, and you’d like to change the consistency of it? I’d say you had a pretty awesome childhood if that’s all you’d change about it!”
Now, I’m not saying my childhood was picture perfect. But the point of sharing that story with you is that when I am asked to recall my childhood overall, I remember it as being pretty wonderful. I was a happy kid.

...
and then I continue along the lines of what activities I did as a kid in school, and what my home life was like, etc etc. But that first story is a true one. And it's also true that I COULD NOT STAND soggy cereal :P Still can't. I promise to never pour the milk in my child's cereal bowl before they are ready to eat it!!!

That's about all the updates for today. I am much more focused on the homestudy right now than on TTC. Not sure if that will change when I'm ovulating or not, but probably not. I have the drive right now to plough through and get the homestudy complete, so I can finally be in "waiting" for match and placement. I'm just so tired of the TTC roller-coaster, and I need more light at the end of this tunnel. Adoption is affording me that extra light, which is fantastic.

How Quickly Prayer Works

I am amazed. I am amazed at how much love and support I received today, from all of you, in the form of comments, emails, e-cards, chats, and messages on FB. I can't begin to tell you how touched I am that you have done these things, just for my silly little BFN. Of course, I think we all know that a BFN is anything but silly, especially in the moment we see it staring us in the face, destroying our last bit of hope. But sometimes I feel like I'm being silly to mourn so much when there was no real loss. However, every single one of you was there today with your kind words and prayers, to remind me that loss of hope IS a real loss. And I appreciate that more than you can know.

Today is CD 1, and you would barely know it to look at me. I have had a couple of quick moments of "looking back" at dreams lost, but other than that, I feel terrific. I remember that the night before I tested, I prayed fervently to all of my saints (a.k.a my heavenly posse), and at the end, I requested that not my will, but God's will be done, and if His will were for me not to be pregnant this cycle, that the Saints direct their prayers instead to my peace of mind with that decision. And wow, it just blows me away how quickly those prayers were answered! I had a meltdown after the BFN, and was depressed the rest of the day, but NOT crying.

I asked DH to go without me to our neice's birthday party on Sunday- I just couldn't be around all the kids that afternoon- and he did. On his way back, I called to see where he was, and he said he had to pull over for a while since he was so upset he couldn't drive. I just felt horrible. Here I was, almost recuperated completely no more than 8 hrs after the BFN (truly miraculous, I tell you), and yet in my prayers, I had neglected to ask for strength for DH. When I got off the phone with him, I looked up at my painting of Mary in the living room ("L'Innocence"), and asked her Why? Mary, you know as a woman that I can bounce back from these things. I have to. But why, why does DH have to suffer like this, too?

If I could, I swear I would double my pain to take on his. I just don't understand why he has to go through this? In fact, he physically does NOT have to go through IF, because with anyone else in the world, he would probably have a few kids by now. His body is fine, better than fine. Superfertile. So many sperm that Dr Toth said he could have 90% amorphous and still be ahead of the game. So why was he stuck with someone whose body doesn't work? And why does he have to go through the suffering with her each and every cycle? Isn't my suffering enough?


I did kinda go on a rampage yesterday, about 3 hrs after the BFN, with all the adoption paperwork. I think it helped to make me feel like I had some control over the situation. The situation being pending motherhood, not fertility (because that, clearly, has never been anywhere near my control). I am happy to say that our paperwork is coming along at record speed! Even our social worker commented on the progress :)

I also emailed my Dr, letting her know I would be in the next day (today) for a follow-up, and wanted to get that b/w done for blood clotting disorders. She gave me the script, along with a drug panel script for both me and DH (for the homestudy), and I went to LabCorp immediately afterwards. The lady at LabCorp was like, Whoa, you want this all done today?!! I think it was 7 vials of blood and a urine sample :) I'm surprised I had enough fluids left in me to walk out of there! I am guessing I'll have the results of the clotting disorders b/w in a week. I'm really starting to think I have one. Just a nagging feeling. And I'm trying not to get really upset that I was never tested for this before... I just can't go there. Can't change the past, right?

Right now I'm sitting here staring at all the drugs I'm supposed to take tonight. Aside from my everyday vitamins, Metformin, T3, and Naltrexone, I have the Zithromax (cyclical abx from Dr Toth), Diflucan (to kick the post-Peak pasty, follow-up tx to the vag suppositories I was on this past post-Peak phase), and Femara. I don't even know if I should take the Femara, and waste a nice strong ovulation when it seems I don't have a chance in hell at getting pregnant right now. I'm still debating taking it or not... hmm... any thoughts?

BFN

There is really nothing left to say. It makes not one ounce of sense to me, but it is what it is. I'm devastated. I am not ready to mourn the loss of ever becoming pregnant, but it looks like I'm going to have to.

Catholic Infertility Support Group

I just have to thank E & E from FJIEJ for traveling a LONG way to come to our first meeting of the Catholic Infertility Support Group! Their presence, along with their personal testimonies were much appreciated, and really added an additional level to the group this morning. Plus, we had lots of fun afterwards at lunch with them :)

So, it ended up a little smaller than I thought- 2 of the women who had pre-registered did not end up coming, but we did have 7 people there total. I also have to thank Lottie and Tate from catholicinfertility.org for the great advice about how to run a meeting like this, as well as the St. Louis Diocese Support Group for providing the agenda that we used (loosely) today.

I'm looking forward to being able to get guest speakers and different topics for future meetings. Fortunately, I've already had a few people email me about their "success stories," in the hopes of being able to share them with our group- so one month will probably be Success Month :)

As nice as the internet support is (and trust me, I do NOT take this blog for granted, and all of the amazing friends I've made through it), there is something about being able to support other women and couples IN PERSON. DH and I agreed that today just made us feel REALLY, really good. Better than we've felt in a long time, actually. We're so glad that our Diocese has been so helpful and supportive in getting this group underway.

Here is the article that just ran earlier this month in our Diocesan newspaper:

http://www.catholicspirit.com/stories/2009/2.5.09/columnpsota.html


PS. Sew, I received your "package" in the mail today, and am soooo excited to bring it with my to confession and ask for a blessing with it!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I'll have it back in the mail to you on Monday.

In Memory of Natalie Grace

God has been trying hard these past few months to get me to Adoration... and of course, life was just too busy for me to make time for Him.

But today, I just had to go.

Please pray for my dear friend, S, her husband M, and her little girl M.A., who is the twin of Natalie Grace- born January 23, 2009, born to heaven February 19, 2009.

Here is their web journal:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/marleighandnatalie

A greater loss I cannot even imagine. Please pray for their strength, and trust in God.

Thank you.

21.3

21.3 was my progesterone results from P+8. (I couldn't get to the lab on P+7, plus, I secretly kinda like doing it at P+8 so that if they're "still high" I can pretend I'm pregnant. Of course, this doesn't always work out too well, because I can only guess what the level was at P+7, to know if it is higher or lower at P+8!)

My first reaction was, of course, devastation. I know 21.3 is a good, solid number at P+8, but when you're used to numbers like 43, 36, 29... it suddenly doesn't seem so hot. And of course, the nurse gave me the results as I was there today waiting for a follow-up client, so all through the follow-up I had to grin and bear it as if I wasn't dying on the inside.

Then I came home to a house that reeked of diarrhea (I know, nasty... my cats got wet food last night since we ran out of dry), and a mystery stain on the living room rug. Mystery Stain = a dark yellow stain that could have come from either a cat or a dog, from either a mouth or a... other side.

As I was cleaning the stain, I got a phone call from the Dr. She wanted to make sure I got the results from my P+7. I said I did, and then admitted I was a little bummed it wasn't higher. "It should be higher if I'm pregnant, right?"

She proceeded to tell me that she was just having a conversation today with someone about this very issue (progesterone levels in early pregnancy at P+7), and that no matter how much you want to be able to tell, you just can't from the progesterone numbers at P+7. I told her that it was actually P+8, and 9dpo, and her response was that this is even better, then. (I love her.) Apparently, before about 10 or 11 days past Peak, the progesterone tends to make an upward and a downward curve (peaking at day 7 usually), and that she has seen them just take off after implantation occurs. She said my numbers are consistent with a multiple rupture, and she reiterated that 21.3 is really, really good for 9dpo.

So now, of course, I'm back to not knowing anything. Which is at least better than feeling like it was all over, like I did before I spoke to her. I am really having a tough time just giving this to God! I even said a prayer to Our Lady of Mount Carmel last night, and repeated three times: "Sweet mother, I place this cause in your hands." She's probably looking down at me going, "Um, LIAR!" It's just so hard! How can I not obsess when this COULD be it??

Honest Scrap

Thank you, Becoming a Different Person, for my Honest Scrap Award :)

So here are the rules:

Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Here are 10 honest things about me:

1) I used to walk on my tip-toes from about Kindergarten to 3rd or 4th Grade. Not all the time, but the majority of the time.

2) I have hiccups more often than most people I know, but it was about 20 times worse when I was a kid (and, from what my mother tells me, even in the womb). I actually think that my mother only helped reinforce this little problem of mine, because her remedy for hiccup removal was a teaspoon of sugar. Something about the granulation... I don't know. All I know is that it got to a point where I'd get the hiccups as a kid, and I'd immediately start walking around the house yelling, "Hiccups! Sugar! Hiccups! Sugar!"

3) I also loved to pretend I knew how to sing opera when I was 4 and 5 years old. One of my older sisters remembers distinctly waking up one Saturday morning to me singing at the top of my lungs in a vibrato-falsetto the theme-song to the Care Bears: "It's Care-a-lot... it's a place that we all looooooove!"

4) As long as we're on the childhood theme, may as well continue. When I said my prayers at night, around 3 years old, I would finish by saying goodnight to Mary and Jesus. And then I'd have them answer back, complete with a hand gesture/talking mouth. It went a little something like this.
Me: "Goodnight, Mary."
Mary (via my talking hand, in a high-pitched squeeky voice): "Goodnight, Amy."
Me: "Goodnight, Jesus."
Jesus (in as low a voice as a 3 yr old girl can make): "Goodnight, Amy."

5) We have 7 pets in our home now, and about 7 nicknames for each of them. We rarely call our pets by their actual name, for some reason. For example, our dog Quincy was nicknamed early on "Wittles" (because he was so cute and wittle when we got him). But we also call him Quince, Wittle-Witts, Quincifer Robin (one of DH's faves), and Brownie.

6) I hate mashed potatoes. I realize this makes me almost non-American, but I really don't like the consistency. I sometimes lie and tell my FIL that I like his, because they have chunks, but even his are hard to swallow.

7) There's a tie for the two most defining times in my life. One was the summer after 8th grade, when I was in a production of Godspell with kids from my school and other local schools. (I sang "By My Side," and the character I played was very similar to who I am as a follower of Christ, then and now.) The other was when I lived in Italy and studied at an Italian University. I think I really discovered what was most important to me in life during that semester. Ironically, this was also the time I was getting to know my DH :)

8) I just submitted our formal application online to the adoption agency today. There may be some areas that need more info (like, I didn't know exactly how much DH's disability coverage is for), but for the most part, that part is done!! As soon as it's approved, we move on to the Homestudy!

9) I'm a little anal retentive when it comes to dental hygiene. I brush at least 3 times a day, and have been told several times by my dentists that I don't need to brush so hard, because it's affecting my gums. And that's with a soft bristle.

10) My father's side of the family is Scandinavian (Swedish and Norwegian). While studying in Italy, I went to visit a friend in Nice, France. We went out to a Swedish-run bar. While there, I was speaking English, a little French (what I could remember from HS), and even Italian with some Italian guys who were vacationing there. I went to the bathroom at one point, and while standing in line, a Swedish waitress taps me on the shoulder and says something that sounded like, "Yampin garmin chootin fer madin?" I literally just stared blankly at her, trying to figure out what language I should respond, "I don't understand Swedish" in. She must have seen how confused I looked, and in perfect English said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were Swedish."
It was pretty cool being mistaken for a Swede by a Swede, though :) That's something that never happened in Italy, what with my whiter-than-a-baby's-butt complexion.


And now I tag... everyone who is reading this :) Yes, because if you are here reading this, that means you know me, and I know you, and I admire ALL of your blogs so much. I'm also lazy and want to go to bed, so don't feel like putting all the links down :P

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

Today is Feb. 17, 2009. I don't know why I've never written to you before, but today I felt the sudden urge to do so. Maybe because the reality of you is just now starting to sink in. Maybe because I can feel you inside me. I don't mean physically, but emotionally. Whether you are growing in my womb or in my heart, I just know that you are growing at this moment.

Your daddy and I are full of hope this month. One way or another, we know that you will find your way to us soon, and that we will find you. It fills my soul with joy to think of your tiny organs forming, and beginning to work on their own. You are safely tucked in a warm, nourishing environment as I type this. And before you were in that space, you were being formed by Our Creator. And if you remember someone cradling you and rocking you to sleep while you were still in Heaven, that was your great-grandmother, who joined God in Heaven 1 month ago today.

You see, you have so many people, both living and passed, who have loved you before they even knew you. Probably no one more than your mommy and daddy. We have endured years of disappointment, heartache, and suffering, but for you, we would multiply all of that pain in a second. Our love for you has also helped us to make one of the greatest sacrifices we ever could make: we have refused to let our desire for you dictate how and when you were to come into this world. We have resisted technologies that would compromise the dignity of your very being, and we have respected your right to be conceived in a natural manner. In doing so, we have respected your siblings, as well. We love you SO MUCH, that we would rather wait decades for you than to do anything that could compromise your health. In fact, we've gone above and beyond to ensure that if you are conceived physically in my womb, you will have the healthiest start to life possible.

Words cannot adequately describe my love for you, my dear, sweet child. You have been in my thoughts and prayers since the time I was a child, myself. Your father has done everything short of moving mountains to help you to come into existence. And we both are entirely devoted to raising you to be, above all else, happy, healthy, and holy.

Some day in the future, there may come a time when you question your existence. There is no guessing what type of cross God will entrust you to bear. But I want you to know that we will always be here for you. While we may not be able to carry your cross for you, we know that the cross we have carried to get to you will give us the tools we need to prepare you for yours. We hope that you know that nothing you do could ever break our love for you. It is our love for you that brought you here, after all.

We will continue to pray for you all the days of your life. May you always know the love that surrounds you, the love of your mother, your father, and of God.

1WW

The one week wait. My least favorite time. Especially when I actually have hope.

I'm still trying very hard to have the faith of Jairus, and the woman who asked Jesus to heal her daughter. I feel in my heart that I have asked, and I shall receive. But after 31 months (is it really 31 months???), I can't say this has been an easy transition to make. I feel like one of those cartoons, with the angel version of me on my right shoulder, and the devil version of me on my left. And the nagging devil is constantly whispering in my ear that I'm crazy. Why would I believe that I'm pregnant after all this time? But the angel reminds me that I have legions of angels working for me- my grandma and grandpa and DH's, St. Ann, Therese, Jude, Gerard, and Anthony. I need to believe. I need to believe that this is my time.

I don't feel physically any different. It's so hard to look for "symptoms" when so many of the common early pg symptoms are actually symptoms of high levels of progesterone. And we know I have high progesterone, since I have THREE corpus lutei. So, yes, my bbs are more sore than they've ever been and they hurt even while walking. Yes, I'm exhausted. Yes, I am eating and peeing a lot. And yes, I'm a little constipated. But nothing that I haven't experienced before in the post-Peak phase.

I suppose that this final week is an ultimate test of my patience and reliance on God. Do I fully trust Him? Am I fully putting this in His hands, or am I even now trying to control it, when there's obviously nothing more I can do 8 days past ovulation.

So I will let this go. I will give it over to Jesus, and His holy Mother, and the promise my grandmother left me with when I asked if she would "pick one out for me" when she got to paradise. I need to smile when I remember that her response was, "One of each would be nice, wouldn't it?"

Refining Silver

I received this beautiful email today, from Hannah's Tears.

It is just perfect.

Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'


This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.


That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.


As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.


The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'

He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'


If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Hawks, Adoption Meeting, Dinner, and Vaginal Suppositories... not necessarily in that order

Last night was our first interview with our social worker, followed by the group informational meeting (which is not required, but recommended). Basically, our first one-on-one meeting laid out all the information we were to get an hour and a half later in the group meeting... but I'm still glad we went to the latter, because there they passed out some sample Profile Books, and it was good to get an idea of what works and what doesn't work.

Our social worker is very nice and softspoken (aren't they all?)- and she has just started doing domestic adoptions recently. She used to do international only. We were given access to the full application online after yesterday's meeting, and that will take us quite awhile- - tax returns, etc. will be a real pain in the you-know-what, since DH is a Partner in his business. It's not as easy as looking at some W-2s. She did tell us that we could finish the entire home study in 3-4 months if we were really motivated to move quickly, but I'm thinking it will take us a bit longer than that.

Something else we found out yesterday is that our application will be put on hold if we do achieve pregnancy during the process. Which KINDA stinks, since DH and I both feel "called" to adopt now, and if we also get pg then in our eyes, BOTH children were meant to be ours, kwim? But I can totally understand their reasoning. Some couples that have been waiting a while should not lose out on a potential match/placement to another couple who is ALSO pg. If I were on the other end of that deal, I would surely be ticked off, so it's very fair imo.

As we were driving to our meeting (as I said, we met with the SW 1-on-1 first), I told DH, "We should have some questions ready, because she may just be expecting to answer any/all of our questions for the entire hour and a half. Do you have any questions for her?"

He paused. Then said, "How much for the baby?"

I swear. WHAT am I going to do with this man??!! (Thank God he didn't actually ask her that!)

Today we had another big night- we got to meet up with E & E from Finding Joy in Every Journey again! We had dinner at a nice Cuban restaurant in our area, after their big DA in NY. (They received great news, but I'll let her share this with you.) Just like our first meet-up, tonight was full of great conversation. I just hope I didn't talk TOO much (I tend to do that). Sorry guys!

While at dinner, DH reminded me of a "sign" we received a few days ago. I had totally forgotten about it. While we were up in NH, we were driving back to the house from the mountain, and noticed a ton of people pulling their cars over and staring up into the sky. Some people had serious camera equipment out. We thought, wth, is there a solar eclipse today? So we pulled over, asked around, and found out there was a hawk-owl in the big oak tree. Apparently hawk-owls are extremely rare, since they are primarily arctic birds, sometimes found in Canada. It was pretty wild.

The next day, DH was getting ready to go to work and let the dogs out. He heard a huge commotion from a flock of crows in the big tree outside, looked up, and saw that they were "squawking" at a hawk! (He was sitting on a low branch, refusing to leave, lol!)

Later, while driving home from a job site (he's a contractor), and I swear, I'm not making this up, he saw another hawk sitting in an industrial park. Just SITTING there, staring at the passing cars.

When he came home, he brought over one of his mother's "New Age-y" books (she's very New Age), about Medicine Cards. Medicine cards are like Tarot cards, but they have animals on them and each animal signifies something. So he looked up Hawk, and this is what it said:

"Hawk: Messenger. Hawk medicine teaches you to be observant, to look at your surroundings. Observe the obvious in everything you do. Life is sending you signals...
If you pulled the Hawk card, then right now a clue about the magic of life is being brought to you...
The Ancients recognized this magnificent bird of prey as a messenger bringing tidings to their Earth Walk from the world of the grandfathers and grandmothers who lived before them. If Hawk were to magically cry, it was a sign to beware or be aware. The cry could mark the coming of a warring tribe, the birth of a child, or the celebration of counting coup. Hawk's cry signalled the need for the beholder to heighten awareness and receive a message."

How freaky is that? And the fact that there were THREE hawk sitings, all right before I found out that I had THREE follicles rupture? Very coincidental.

To end on a sillier note, DH had to pick up another Rx for me today- vaginal suppositories to hopefully once and for all KICK my post-Peak pasty problem. (Like that alliteration there?) I take them every day until AF arrives, or a + test... (which is so weird to even think about, but I'm trying to be more hopeful and positive this month)...
As he was driving back from the pharmacy with them, he got a fire call and had to drive over to the fire house, put on his gear, etc. (all with the suppositories in his pocket). Apparently they fell out of his pocket when he was putting his gear on, and when they got back to the fire house, a fellow firefighter asks DH, "So, how's your vagina?" He was mortified! And to make matters worse (I guess in an effort to not embarass ME) he tells the guy, "Oh yeah, I had to pick those up for my MOM." LMAO, who would have their SON pick up their vaginal suppositories??!!!

The Babies Need Some Cannoli

...that's what I told my husband this afternoon, when I was driving back from my u/s, and gave him the good news that not two, but three follicles had ruptured. He is absolutely convinced that we are pregnant. So, I figured, hey, why not go with it? And so?

The babies need some cannoli, honey.

And he went and got me three cannoli. Oops, I mean, the babies. He got the babies three cannoli. And as I scarfed one down, I said, "Baby A thanks you."

I didn't share this story yet, but now's probably a good time. I was at CCD on Monday, right after seeing the u/s where two follicles had ruptured. And the chapter we were covering was about Jesus healing Jairus' daughter. We learned about how Jesus can and does heal everyone, but that it wasn't JUST because Jesus is the Son of God that Jairus' daughter was healed. It was because Jairus had unfailing faith in Jesus. Even when his neighbors came to tell him not to bother the teacher, because his daughter was already dead, Jairus persisted. And Jesus told him that his faith saved his daughter.

Whoa. Now I know this past week at Church was about healing, too. But as I was reviewing this lesson with the kids, I couldn't help but think that the lesson was more for me than it was for them. After all, they're in 4th Grade. They aren't used to disappointment the same way I am.

Another page in the Chapter was all about suffering. Again, the words jumped out at me in big bold letters: "God's plan for creation did NOT include suffering and illness." I really had to stop and absorb those words. He did NOT PLAN suffering. He did NOT PLAN illness.

For all of the times that I've been "hopeful" for a pregnancy in the past, was I truly putting undying faith in the Lord? Was I FEARLESS, like Jairus, trusting that Jesus can heal my body and help me to become pregnant? Or was I hesitant, always holding back a little bit for my own sanity at the end of the month?

I must admit, I haven't been like Jairus. Sure, I've hoped and prayed. But I don't think I ever felt, "I am pregnant. That's all there is to it, because I asked Jesus, and in Jesus all things are possible."

Yes, I understand that we won't always receive exactly what we ask for from Jesus, but that shouldn't stop us from believing that we will, right? Isn't that what I was supposed to glean from this lesson?

So, I will be praying all week that Jesus has healed my body, DH's body, and helped us to achieve a pregnancy. And most importantly, I will BELIEVE in my heart that I am already pregnant.

After all, I must be. The babies were already craving cannoli :)

3 Targets!!

Yes, Follicle #3 has ruptured!!! Praise God!

Maybe with three targets, I may actually have a shot this month! We used 1 day only, but it was by far the best day. Now on to the 2WW...

#141

So, I haven't quite been paying attention to the # of posts as they appear every time you sign in to blogger... and I missed my 100 Anniversary! So, here's post #141 :)

I had a couple of u/ss this cycle, as planned. What did not go according to plan is the post-coital. For some reason, I tend to ovulate on a weekend. So I missed the window to do a post-coital. Technically, I could have had one today, but my Dr was booked all morning, and I had CCD to teach at 4:30, so only had time for a quick u/s this afternoon.

Also, I got a call from Dr S's office, saying they can't schedule my SHSG until my account is settled :( I still have an appeal in the works with my insurance over the bill for the Dr from my surgery 4/4/08. It's actually the 2nd appeal. What happened was, the Drs office talked to them before my surgery, and in that phone call, the insurance rep told the Drs office that they were in-network, and covered at 100%. Then the bill came, not a lot (they only allowed a very small percentage of what Dr S billed... which I think it terrible. The man does SO MUCH, and only gets paid a fraction of what he's worth)- and we could have set up a payment plan to pay it, but the fact of the matter was I felt like we shouldn't have to pay that bill. And on principle, I refuse to pay it. We have written and verbal proof that the insurance rep made the error, and as I wrote in my appeal letter, I would not have gone through the surgery if I knew it wasn't covered. So, now I need to call the State Commission insurance in my state, at Dr. S's suggestion. I hope I can get this settled soon, I was really hoping to get the SHSG early next cycle (in about 2-3 wks).

But the good news is...

at my u/s on Friday, we saw not 1, not 2, but THREE follicles!! Go Femara! And even better, they were spread out, 1 on the right, 2 on the left. All measured nice and big at the time, but they weren't quite at the point of poppage yet. (Hehe, poppage.) So, I left for my ski weekend, came back Sunday, took another OPK, and it was darker than Friday's, but not positive- - even though my cm was AMAZING. This, actually, is thanks to Mucinex. I had really scanty cm for the past few days, but the u/s on Friday showed cm all along the cervix. So, the Dr recommended Mucinex, to improve the viscosity. It definately worked! Seriously, my cm on Sunday was better than I remember it EVER being.

So, today's u/s was in the afternoon, and I felt pretty certain that the OPK from Sunday evening was on its way DOWN from a positive (that I must have missed since I didn't test Saturday). So my gut feeling was that I was Oing either Sunday night or this morning. I was right!

We saw two corpus lutei on the left ovary, and the follicle was still present on the right. I asked the Dr if she thought that one still had a chance to rupture (we teach people in the Creighton Model Intro Session that multiple ovulation takes place within the same 24 hr period)- but she said that usually when you have a multiple rupture, they rupture simultaneously. She said she has even seen instances of 1 complete rupture and 1 LUF (luteinized unruptured follicle)... so she thinks maybe the one of the right ovary will become an LUF. I have a follow-up u/s tomorrow, so I'll let you know what happened.

Now, ideally, I would have loved to see 1 follicle on EACH ovary rupture. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to have Od at all... and 2 is even better! But if 1 of my tubes is blocked, I'd rather have my odds upp'd with a double O, 1 from each side. KWIM? So now I just have to hope and pray that my left tube is squeaky clean.

The other news at the moment is that 3 people have pre-registered for the first meeting of the Catholic IF Support Group!! Woo hoo!! I'm really looking forward to helping these women to find a network of faith, prayers, and emotional support. And men, I should say. 1 woman is bringing her husband, and DH will be there, of course. First meeting is in less than 2 wks!

Little More about Adoption

Well, today I received an email from our social worker, saying that our preliminary application was approved! (Actually, the EXACT wording was that we "seem to meet the requirements" for approval. I almost started freaking out about that "seem," but then took a breath and said, "who cares? We're still approved!") The next step is to sign up for an informational meeting (which we already did, it's next Wednesday), and set up a first meeting with her, to answer our questions, etc. We will be meeting her right before the info. meeting next Wednesday.

Last Friday, I received a phone call from another agency, one that I had signed up to receive an info packet from online. She asked me all kinds of questions like our bdays, hair and eye color, height, weight, health history, etc... I asked her to repeat the name of the agency, and when she said it (A.doption N.etwork L.aw C.enter), I was confused, since they had responded to my request for info with an email that said they couldn't help me in my State of residency...??? She said, "Oh, I know nothing about that. Call me back when you get your packet in the mail, and I'll look into it in the meantime."

So now I'm thoroughly confused. This ANLC seems really good- because they're a law center, they take utmost care with all legal aspects of domestic adoption. (They only do domestic.) They also are not an "agency" per se, so they are not limited with the funds they spend on advertising... which means they reach many more birthmothers than typical agencies. The average wait time after signing up with them until placement is less than 9 months!! Sounds insane, but apparently it's true.

Anyway, of course I'm taking all of this info with a grain of salt. I really, really feel comfortable with the agency I've already started with. But what if I was too hasty in this choice? What to do, what to do??!!

I'll be calling ANLC tomorrow to see what the deal is (about my State). Then I'll get their fees, schedule, etc. and talk it all over with DH. I have a feeling we'll still be going with our original choice, though.

As for fertility news: I finally had some peak-type mucus today! CD 11. I spoke to my Dr. briefly this evening, as I was leaving from a follow-up at the office, and she is coming in early Friday to do an u/s and post-coital, just for me :) (I am leaving Friday afternoon for a ski weekend, and she is usually closed Fri-Sun.) She also said she wrote Dr. S a letter explaining that I just had testing/treatment with Dr Toth for infection, so she thinks it would be a good idea for me to get another selective HSG with him.
I feel like a lot of things are going pretty slowly with the fertility stuff lately. I'm waiting on the SHSG. I'm waiting on the possible Hydrocort treatment from Dr. H. I had to wait for the post-coital for this cycle. At least the adoption stuff is moving, at least for the time being. (Then again, I haven't reached the "Waiting" stage yet, and yes, that's what it's actually called!! I guess you can never escape waiting when you have IF.)

"Barren and Blessed: The Plight of Infertility"

Reminder, tonight on EWTN (in 2 hrs!!) - Abundant Life is airing an episode devoted to Catholic Infertility!!!

You can watch online, too, if you don't have EWTN, but I believe you have to watch it live (at 10:00pm EST). If you miss tonight, it is on repeat at 2:00pm on Wednesday, as well.

Will come back and share thoughts on the episode later :)

**ETA: So after the show (actually, during the show, pretty much all evening) I had a massive headache and was nauseous to boot :( (LOL, nauseous to boot, interesting choice of words, huh?!) Anyway, sorry I didn't come back with thoughts on the episode, but I was SO EXCITED to hear them talk about Dr. S.tegman, who performed my surgery!! How cool that he helped the President of the Catholic Medical Association's DIL to conceive (and she's an ob/gyn)! Yay, Dr. S.tegman!

I was also really impressed with Kristin, being able to speak so candidly about her fertility. I hope that when the ob/gyn spoke about NaPro and onemoresoul, it got Kristin to seek out other treatments that would work for her! (And Sew, I haven't seen her blog, do you have it?)

One of my favorite parts was when the author of "Bearing the Unbearable" spoke about the story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac. He made the obvious parallel to God giving up His only son for us, and that the majority of the New Testament speaks of this story to show us that we should trust in God. However, he said that this story was so very poignant for the struggle of IF, because it shows that God gave an ultimate gift to Abraham and Sarah (who thought themselves barren) in giving them a son... and then He took it away (or, almost anyway). With us humans, God has given us all the ultimate gift of fertility- a gift which allows us to participate in God's most sovereign role as Creator- and for some of us (with IF), He takes that gift away. Why? We don't know. But why did He also ask Abraham to give up his gift, the same gift He had bestowed on him? All we can do is trust that God knows what is best for us, not question His actions.

Anyway, I'm ss I didn't post the link to see it online. I don't actually have the link, but remember seeing it a while ago on Apostolate of Hannah's Tears.

All-in-all, a very good show. I'm so glad they took the time to focus on the struggling of, imo, such an important cross that so many of us carry.