This is what DH just said to me, as we sat on the couch and I told him that during a homestudy, the couple is interviewed together and then one-on-one.
He almost made me pee my pants!!
Once I calmed down, we started envisioning the one-on-one interviews, and in our minds, it played out much like an episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent. The "good" social worker would be telling DH to take his time, offering him a glass of water or coffee... and then the "bad" social worker would enter, bang her hand on the table, and tell him, "The jig is up! Your wife just told us about your disciplinary action with the dogs. We know the truth, it's time to come clean!"
And then in the midst of my laughter, I suddenly freaked out! OMG, these people can determine whether or not we can be parents!!! How unfair is that? There are people having kids every day, all over the world, and they never need anyone's ok to do it (even though in many cases, maybe they should), but someone actually has the ability to give me or take away my life's greatest dream???!!!
Breathe.
This is a scary thought.
Speaking of stress-inducers, I just filled out the questionnaire that PPVI sent me for the adrenal reserve study. (If Dr. H thinks I qualify, I'll start taking a low dose of Hydrocort to help with diminished adrenal reserve.) All of the questions were about "Does this stress you out? How about this?" and then they started asking about patterns, like, "Do you find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning, and find yourself not able to until about 10:00am?" Uh, yes. "Do you constantly feel tired, and no amount of sleep or napping relinquishes it?" Yup. By the end of the survey, I was sufficiently stressed out. Not only had I learned how stressed I was, but also how it has been affecting my energy and health. Hurry up and score this thing, Dr. H, 'cuz something tells me I'll be needing that Hydrocort. Throw in some Valium while you're at it.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
**Possible New Development**
Last night DH had to drive me to and from CCD since our other car was in the shop. While I was waiting for him to come pick me up, I decided to go spend some time in front of the Eucharist (my parish doesn't have an official day/time for Eucharistic Adoration, but the church's side door is just always open). I prayed much like my Grandmother did before she got engaged to my Grandfather- - I asked God to help me decide what I should do. Keep TTC? Start adoption? Both? Neither? I needed something concrete to go on, and more importantly, I needed him to speak to DH, as well, since he has not been ready to look into adoption yet (maybe because it wasn't our time yet).
I only had about 5 minutes with Jesus, but I spent that time thanking Him for all of the gifts I so often take for granted.
I should back up and say that I went ahead and started some VERY PRELIMINARY research into domestic adoption on Friday. Not that we're ready to go that route yet, or even that we've ruled out international, but it just seems that the domestic adoption process may be a better fit for us at this point in time.
While researching (and pulling my hair out, I might add... how do you find the right "fit" when it comes to an agency??), I remembered seeing an adoption agency ad next to my ad for the Catholic IF Support Group in "The Catholic Spirit." I opened the paper to that page, found the webpage, and went to it.
At first, while reading the list of resources and services they provided, I navigated away from the page. I had read "embryo adoption," and decided since I don't personally agree with that, then I couldn't in good conscience work with a group that supported it.
Later that day, I went back to the site. I read their mission statement. It was all about wanting to find homes for babies that would otherwise be aborted. It was focused on seeking out the very best Christian homes for these babies. It's priority was to discover adoptive families whose Christian faith was part of their daily lives, not just a once-a-week church attendance.
So I figured, why not? Just sending away for material doesn't mean I HAVE to work with them.
Then today, their letter came. Their BEAUTIFUL letter. With a pre-application. I asked DH to read it, telling him about the "signs" - (the fact that their ad was right next to mine in the paper, and that I had asked God the night before for a sign about what to do). After reading the letter, DH said, "If we were going to adopt from any agency, I would want it to be an agency like this one." He also added that he had never really been interested in adoption until after reading that letter. God spoke to his heart!
We spoke a little longer (I'll spare you the boring details), and we've decided that God may just intend for us to start this journey now. We will keep TTC with meds until August or so (when the majority of Dr Toth's patients would have conceived, which is 9 months after treatment)- but in the meantime, we can get started with this. We realize that it could feasibly be a 3-4 year wait for a Caucasian infant.(We haven't ruled out bi-racial or African-American infant, either, but we would need to pray for guidance on that one since we want to put the child's needs first. It could be very difficult for a black child to have white parents, when other black children he sees have black parent/s. I know that it can and has been done, but like I said, we would want to take the utmost care and responsibility with a decision like that, and not be whimsical about it.)
Anyway, the conclusion of our talk is that I will be sending out the pre-application this week! I am soooo nervous and excited! Please pray for us!
I only had about 5 minutes with Jesus, but I spent that time thanking Him for all of the gifts I so often take for granted.
I should back up and say that I went ahead and started some VERY PRELIMINARY research into domestic adoption on Friday. Not that we're ready to go that route yet, or even that we've ruled out international, but it just seems that the domestic adoption process may be a better fit for us at this point in time.
While researching (and pulling my hair out, I might add... how do you find the right "fit" when it comes to an agency??), I remembered seeing an adoption agency ad next to my ad for the Catholic IF Support Group in "The Catholic Spirit." I opened the paper to that page, found the webpage, and went to it.
At first, while reading the list of resources and services they provided, I navigated away from the page. I had read "embryo adoption," and decided since I don't personally agree with that, then I couldn't in good conscience work with a group that supported it.
Later that day, I went back to the site. I read their mission statement. It was all about wanting to find homes for babies that would otherwise be aborted. It was focused on seeking out the very best Christian homes for these babies. It's priority was to discover adoptive families whose Christian faith was part of their daily lives, not just a once-a-week church attendance.
So I figured, why not? Just sending away for material doesn't mean I HAVE to work with them.
Then today, their letter came. Their BEAUTIFUL letter. With a pre-application. I asked DH to read it, telling him about the "signs" - (the fact that their ad was right next to mine in the paper, and that I had asked God the night before for a sign about what to do). After reading the letter, DH said, "If we were going to adopt from any agency, I would want it to be an agency like this one." He also added that he had never really been interested in adoption until after reading that letter. God spoke to his heart!
We spoke a little longer (I'll spare you the boring details), and we've decided that God may just intend for us to start this journey now. We will keep TTC with meds until August or so (when the majority of Dr Toth's patients would have conceived, which is 9 months after treatment)- but in the meantime, we can get started with this. We realize that it could feasibly be a 3-4 year wait for a Caucasian infant.(We haven't ruled out bi-racial or African-American infant, either, but we would need to pray for guidance on that one since we want to put the child's needs first. It could be very difficult for a black child to have white parents, when other black children he sees have black parent/s. I know that it can and has been done, but like I said, we would want to take the utmost care and responsibility with a decision like that, and not be whimsical about it.)
Anyway, the conclusion of our talk is that I will be sending out the pre-application this week! I am soooo nervous and excited! Please pray for us!
A Little More About Grandma...
I just received a beautiful sympathy card from my friend who sang with me at the funeral. In it was a poem about death, and a note that said she keeps this poem near a photo of her own father who has passed. I thought I'd share it with you all since we've all lost somebody we love, and I hope it especially helps AYWH this week.
"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Laugh as we always lauged together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of your mind because I am out of your sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near just around the corner. All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before- only better; infinitely happier and forever- we will all be one together with Christ."
(- Henry Scott Holland, 1847-1918)
Some of you had mentioned how romantic it was that my grandmother was buried next to the love of her life on their 63rd wedding anniversary. It was. Their love was a love for the books. One of my biggest regrets is that I never had a chance to write down their love story, as my grandmother has requested, before she left this world. But I would like to tell you all now how God placed them together for eternity:
My grandfather, Gene, a blonde, blue-eyed man of British descent from Key West, FL, was in the Army during WWII. There, he met a man named Jerry. Jerry couldn't have looked more different than Gene, with his thick, dark hair and olive complexion. They became best friends right off the bat, and were inseparable for as long as they were stationed together. When they'd go out at night, they'd tell the ladies they were twins :) They also bought a cheap ring that they'd share, and get "engaged" to Italian women with it every other night!
Well, eventually the two began to talk about their homes and their families. Jerry had 1 older sister and 3 younger sisters- and with him he carried a picture of the 3 younger sisters. He showed this picture to Gene, and pointing to the girl in the middle, Gene asked Jerry, "Can I write to her?" Jerry said of course, and gave Gene Rose's address.
(Later my grandmother would say that he picked her out because her boobs were the biggest. And having seen the picture of the 3 Italian girls who basically all looked the same, she may be right!!)
Gene began to write to Rose, and she wrote back. Through this correspondence, a love developed and grew. Rose at the time was seeing another man who was overseas. As her love for Gene grew, she was torn about what to do.
In 1945, Jerry wrote home to his family that they had been dismissed, and he would be home within a few weeks. He also wrote that Gene was coming home with him. The family knew what this meant (a proposal was on the way!)
Rose went to church to light some candles and pray for guidance from Mary. What was she to do? She loved Gene, but was he the right choice? Who should she choose? Her heart said Gene from the moment she received his first letter... but she prayed fervently that Mary would send her a sign if Gene was the right choice.
On her way home from church, she saw three separate roses along her path. This was her sign. Gene was the one.
She got home, wrote the other gentleman a letter, to which he responded that he had thrown her engagement ring overboard and would never love another.
Gene came home as promised a few weeks later, and moved from his home in Key West to NY to be closer to Rose. They became engaged shortly thereafter, and married a few months later, January 20th, 1946. My mother, their oldest child, was born that December. They went on to have 3 more children, 10 grandchildren, and 1 great-grandchild. They spent 40 beautiful years together before my grandfather passed away in 1986.
But they are together now once again, in paradise.
"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Laugh as we always lauged together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of your mind because I am out of your sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near just around the corner. All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before- only better; infinitely happier and forever- we will all be one together with Christ."
(- Henry Scott Holland, 1847-1918)
Some of you had mentioned how romantic it was that my grandmother was buried next to the love of her life on their 63rd wedding anniversary. It was. Their love was a love for the books. One of my biggest regrets is that I never had a chance to write down their love story, as my grandmother has requested, before she left this world. But I would like to tell you all now how God placed them together for eternity:
My grandfather, Gene, a blonde, blue-eyed man of British descent from Key West, FL, was in the Army during WWII. There, he met a man named Jerry. Jerry couldn't have looked more different than Gene, with his thick, dark hair and olive complexion. They became best friends right off the bat, and were inseparable for as long as they were stationed together. When they'd go out at night, they'd tell the ladies they were twins :) They also bought a cheap ring that they'd share, and get "engaged" to Italian women with it every other night!
Well, eventually the two began to talk about their homes and their families. Jerry had 1 older sister and 3 younger sisters- and with him he carried a picture of the 3 younger sisters. He showed this picture to Gene, and pointing to the girl in the middle, Gene asked Jerry, "Can I write to her?" Jerry said of course, and gave Gene Rose's address.
(Later my grandmother would say that he picked her out because her boobs were the biggest. And having seen the picture of the 3 Italian girls who basically all looked the same, she may be right!!)
Gene began to write to Rose, and she wrote back. Through this correspondence, a love developed and grew. Rose at the time was seeing another man who was overseas. As her love for Gene grew, she was torn about what to do.
In 1945, Jerry wrote home to his family that they had been dismissed, and he would be home within a few weeks. He also wrote that Gene was coming home with him. The family knew what this meant (a proposal was on the way!)
Rose went to church to light some candles and pray for guidance from Mary. What was she to do? She loved Gene, but was he the right choice? Who should she choose? Her heart said Gene from the moment she received his first letter... but she prayed fervently that Mary would send her a sign if Gene was the right choice.
On her way home from church, she saw three separate roses along her path. This was her sign. Gene was the one.
She got home, wrote the other gentleman a letter, to which he responded that he had thrown her engagement ring overboard and would never love another.
Gene came home as promised a few weeks later, and moved from his home in Key West to NY to be closer to Rose. They became engaged shortly thereafter, and married a few months later, January 20th, 1946. My mother, their oldest child, was born that December. They went on to have 3 more children, 10 grandchildren, and 1 great-grandchild. They spent 40 beautiful years together before my grandfather passed away in 1986.
But they are together now once again, in paradise.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
How I Love NaPro
Let me count the ways...
My Dr just called me. That's right, on a SUNDAY. I had emailed her a few questions (yes, I also have my Dr's personal email address) about this cycle, namely whether I can/should take Femara, Metformin, schedule another selective HSG, get a post-coital, etc.
Instead of emailing me back, as she usually does (promptly, might I add), she decided to call and discuss all of this. She also spoke with me in depth about another personal problem I outlined in my email- - how I recently discovered, while at the March for Life, that my parish priest was sporting an Obama t-shirt on Election Day. I was devastated by this news, and almost thought about leaving the parish for another one. My Dr. talked to me about her experiences with priests, and how ever since Humanae Vitae, there has been a lot of dissent amongst the Church, even amongst the priests. We also spoke about how many Practitioners get a very cold reception from their parish priests when it comes to CrMS... because there are only a select few who are actually big supporters of the Church's teachings on sexuality and birth control.
Needless to say, it was a great conversation.
AND, I'm actually starting to get a pretty big head. The last few times I've "suggested" my own treatment plan, my Dr. has completely backed it up and told me it was a good idea! So, I will be taking Femara and Metformin again this cycle, as well as try to schedule a selective HSG with Dr. Stegman in PA (probably won't get an appt for that for a while yet), and get a post-coital test around ovulation.
And finally, at the Dr's request, I'll be doing another u/s series, to see how everything's "working" now after surgery and Dr Toth treatment. The best part? She is getting a new ultrasound machine within the next couple weeks, and said she can comp me the entire series, since I will be "helping her out" in trying the new machine!! (What a huge help that is, since our co-pay is $30, and an ultrasound series usually costs us more than $150.)
OK, so maybe my love affair isn't so much with NaPro as it is with my Dr :) But I just CANNOT see any secular Dr, especially an RE or ob/gyn, calling their patient on a Sunday, counseling them on personal dilemmas, and then offering to give them a free ultrasound series. (Did I mention that about 6 months ago, she also gave DH a free month's supply of the VERY expensive Proxeed Plus? She had been given a sample box, and gave it to us!)
I heart NaPro.
My Dr just called me. That's right, on a SUNDAY. I had emailed her a few questions (yes, I also have my Dr's personal email address) about this cycle, namely whether I can/should take Femara, Metformin, schedule another selective HSG, get a post-coital, etc.
Instead of emailing me back, as she usually does (promptly, might I add), she decided to call and discuss all of this. She also spoke with me in depth about another personal problem I outlined in my email- - how I recently discovered, while at the March for Life, that my parish priest was sporting an Obama t-shirt on Election Day. I was devastated by this news, and almost thought about leaving the parish for another one. My Dr. talked to me about her experiences with priests, and how ever since Humanae Vitae, there has been a lot of dissent amongst the Church, even amongst the priests. We also spoke about how many Practitioners get a very cold reception from their parish priests when it comes to CrMS... because there are only a select few who are actually big supporters of the Church's teachings on sexuality and birth control.
Needless to say, it was a great conversation.
AND, I'm actually starting to get a pretty big head. The last few times I've "suggested" my own treatment plan, my Dr. has completely backed it up and told me it was a good idea! So, I will be taking Femara and Metformin again this cycle, as well as try to schedule a selective HSG with Dr. Stegman in PA (probably won't get an appt for that for a while yet), and get a post-coital test around ovulation.
And finally, at the Dr's request, I'll be doing another u/s series, to see how everything's "working" now after surgery and Dr Toth treatment. The best part? She is getting a new ultrasound machine within the next couple weeks, and said she can comp me the entire series, since I will be "helping her out" in trying the new machine!! (What a huge help that is, since our co-pay is $30, and an ultrasound series usually costs us more than $150.)
OK, so maybe my love affair isn't so much with NaPro as it is with my Dr :) But I just CANNOT see any secular Dr, especially an RE or ob/gyn, calling their patient on a Sunday, counseling them on personal dilemmas, and then offering to give them a free ultrasound series. (Did I mention that about 6 months ago, she also gave DH a free month's supply of the VERY expensive Proxeed Plus? She had been given a sample box, and gave it to us!)
I heart NaPro.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Nearing the End
It would seem, from the little blog-stalking I've done so far today, that we are all in a massive "Ticked Off at Our Bodies" state. Add me to the list.
Yesterday's March went really well. We did a rosary on the bus ride down, and some of the older people got in to speak with our state respresentatives in the legislative buildings, so that is promising.
But at our first pit-stop to use the restrooms, I wiped and saw some oh-so-familiar "discoloration." It's not brown, it's not red, but it's like a dark, dark yellow... like the color of urine mixed with you-know-what. An obvious sign for me that if it weren't for the prometrium, I'd have started my period today or tomorrow.
(I saw it again this morning.) And I am just so, soooo mad. There are women on my Dr Toth email group who have also worked with Dr. Hilgers, and they were able to get pg very quickly after treatment... so why not me?? Plus, if it wasn't a part of God's plan for me to be pg this cycle, why did I need to lose my Grandma? It just doesn't make sense to me at all :(
I just called in our cyclical antibiotics to Dr. Toth, and will need to take Zithromax for the first 10 days of my cycle, get this, EVERY cycle we are TTC. I hate my life.
I also think I'm going to re-fill my Femara Rx, and take that again this cycle. I realize I'm making my own treatment plan in doing so, but ya know what? I'm tired of everything happening on the days when my Dr's office is CLOSED! I would need to take the Femara on day 2 of my cycle, so I think I'm just going to do it. I'll wait to speak with her about re-starting the Metformin, though.
I suppose the only good news from my week (aside from the March) is that The Catholic Spirit, our Diocesan newspaper, contacted me to write an advance about the Catholic Infertility Support Group starting next month. The journalist was very nice, and quick to tell me he had never written about this subject for the 23 years he's been a journalist. I gave him loads of info about infertility, Creighton, NaPro Technology, etc- his poor head is probably spinning right now :) Then, on the bus ride yesterday, they handed out this week's Catholic Spirit, and I saw that my bulletin ad was already in it, nice and big on the same page with the Adoption/Foster program ads. They put a really nice picture of the back of a couple holding hands, the wife leaning her head on her husband's shoulder.
And then, after the March while walking back to the bus, I had an All You Who Hope moment! I was speaking with one of the women from my parish (I was, I believe, the only person under 70 from my parish!!)- her name was Ann. She commented about how nice it was to see young people there, and that she was so glad I decided to come with them all by myself. I said something along the lines of how my husband would have come but couldn't take off from work, and she calls out to her friend, "Hey Sophie! I thought she was a teenager, and she's a married woman!!"
Anyway, we started talking more, just the two of us, and she asked if I had a family at home. Something told me to be completely honest about my situation with her, so I said that we had been trying to get pg for quite some time. And SHE said, "Oh, I know how that is! My husband and I couldn't get pg, either. We adopted our two children." Whaaaa???!!! How crazy is that?!! She then proceeded to tell me that adoption was a little "easier" back then because there were a lot of unwanted babies, and not as many abortions (not NEARLY as many abortions, since it was before Roe v. Wade). She also said that she would pray for me, and that she knew medicine had come very far since the time she was infertile. I told her briefly about how I was seeing a NaPro Dr, a field of medicine created by a Catholic ob/gyn.
But how weird, right?
So I suppose my January 25th prediction is a bunch of bologna. I am devastated. But what can we do besides pick up and start all over again? At least now I won't have to feel guilty about being pg at the first meeting of the IF Support Group.
Yesterday's March went really well. We did a rosary on the bus ride down, and some of the older people got in to speak with our state respresentatives in the legislative buildings, so that is promising.
But at our first pit-stop to use the restrooms, I wiped and saw some oh-so-familiar "discoloration." It's not brown, it's not red, but it's like a dark, dark yellow... like the color of urine mixed with you-know-what. An obvious sign for me that if it weren't for the prometrium, I'd have started my period today or tomorrow.
(I saw it again this morning.) And I am just so, soooo mad. There are women on my Dr Toth email group who have also worked with Dr. Hilgers, and they were able to get pg very quickly after treatment... so why not me?? Plus, if it wasn't a part of God's plan for me to be pg this cycle, why did I need to lose my Grandma? It just doesn't make sense to me at all :(
I just called in our cyclical antibiotics to Dr. Toth, and will need to take Zithromax for the first 10 days of my cycle, get this, EVERY cycle we are TTC. I hate my life.
I also think I'm going to re-fill my Femara Rx, and take that again this cycle. I realize I'm making my own treatment plan in doing so, but ya know what? I'm tired of everything happening on the days when my Dr's office is CLOSED! I would need to take the Femara on day 2 of my cycle, so I think I'm just going to do it. I'll wait to speak with her about re-starting the Metformin, though.
I suppose the only good news from my week (aside from the March) is that The Catholic Spirit, our Diocesan newspaper, contacted me to write an advance about the Catholic Infertility Support Group starting next month. The journalist was very nice, and quick to tell me he had never written about this subject for the 23 years he's been a journalist. I gave him loads of info about infertility, Creighton, NaPro Technology, etc- his poor head is probably spinning right now :) Then, on the bus ride yesterday, they handed out this week's Catholic Spirit, and I saw that my bulletin ad was already in it, nice and big on the same page with the Adoption/Foster program ads. They put a really nice picture of the back of a couple holding hands, the wife leaning her head on her husband's shoulder.
And then, after the March while walking back to the bus, I had an All You Who Hope moment! I was speaking with one of the women from my parish (I was, I believe, the only person under 70 from my parish!!)- her name was Ann. She commented about how nice it was to see young people there, and that she was so glad I decided to come with them all by myself. I said something along the lines of how my husband would have come but couldn't take off from work, and she calls out to her friend, "Hey Sophie! I thought she was a teenager, and she's a married woman!!"
Anyway, we started talking more, just the two of us, and she asked if I had a family at home. Something told me to be completely honest about my situation with her, so I said that we had been trying to get pg for quite some time. And SHE said, "Oh, I know how that is! My husband and I couldn't get pg, either. We adopted our two children." Whaaaa???!!! How crazy is that?!! She then proceeded to tell me that adoption was a little "easier" back then because there were a lot of unwanted babies, and not as many abortions (not NEARLY as many abortions, since it was before Roe v. Wade). She also said that she would pray for me, and that she knew medicine had come very far since the time she was infertile. I told her briefly about how I was seeing a NaPro Dr, a field of medicine created by a Catholic ob/gyn.
But how weird, right?
So I suppose my January 25th prediction is a bunch of bologna. I am devastated. But what can we do besides pick up and start all over again? At least now I won't have to feel guilty about being pg at the first meeting of the IF Support Group.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Back
Girls, I want to thank you all for the prayers. The wake and funeral were truly beautiful. I sang along with my dear friend who used to be musical director of the parish, and we chose all of Grandma's favorite songs (Be Not Afraid, On Eagle's Wings, You Are Mine, Ave Maria- Schubert, Pie Jesu, and I Am the Bread of Life). At first I was unable to sing, watching her coffin come down the aisle. Luckily, I was the harmonist... but even then, I was so worried I wouldn't be able to get through the Mass. I prayed for strength from Mary, a little tip from my friend, which helped tremendously, but then came Ave Maria and I just lost it. My friend sang this one as a solo, but immediately afterwards, I needed to be prepared for my solo in Pie Jesu. I received Communion, crying the whole time, and on the way back up the stairs to the choir loft, whispered a prayer to my Grandma: "Grandma, if you want this to sound halfway decent, I need you to help me through it!!" I literally stopped crying immediately, and just at that moment, we were ready to begin the Pie Jesu.
I think she really would have loved everything about her wake and funeral. It was absolutely perfect. And the poetic ending to it all is that she was laid to rest next to her husband who she ADORED, on what would have been their 63rd Wedding Anniversary. (He passed 23 yrs ago.)
In my home now is the gorgeous statue of St. Ann with young Mary that belonged to my Grandma. I promise to pray to the image of this powerful Saint in honor of all of you.
I will be going on my first March for Life in DC tomorrow, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'll be sure to also offer prayers for each one of us while in the presence of all of that faith. It will be overwhelming, I'm sure!!
As for my cycle, I am P+9 today, and just got my P+7 b/w done today. I was going to forego it altogether, but my Dr said she can still "use" the information from P+9. I'm due for the blood pg test on Saturday, which means I won't have those results until Monday. More waiting, and of course, lots of pressure because I would love to say that while one very important person left my life this month, another joined it. What I do know is that St. Therese has been working miracles all around me and answering every single one of my prayers. Every time this past week that I uttered the words, "Please pick a rose from the heavenly gardens and send it to me with a message of love," I've had the realization that my heavenly Rose was the very best Rose I ever could have received. My Grandma has been the answer to my prayers, and for that, I will forever be thankful. She is the rock of our family, and the reason for my faith. I am who I am because of her.
I had some very slight spotting at P+5. Possibly due to the antibiotics and healing still...? It was only once that day, and not since then. I'm so tired of trying to read into my cycles, just when I think they are getting more "normal" looking, something else goes wrong. And I still have all this PC and 6PC in the post-Peak. I thought maybe that would disappear after Dr Toth treatment. Oh well.
In my dream last night, I did dream of my baby. Not pregnancy or even labor, but somehow I knew it was my newborn baby. The weird part is, my DH and I both have blonde hair, and the baby had the DARKEST black hair you've ever seen!! I believe it was a girl, too.
Again, thank you for the beautiful words and prayers that you offered me over the past several days.
I think she really would have loved everything about her wake and funeral. It was absolutely perfect. And the poetic ending to it all is that she was laid to rest next to her husband who she ADORED, on what would have been their 63rd Wedding Anniversary. (He passed 23 yrs ago.)
In my home now is the gorgeous statue of St. Ann with young Mary that belonged to my Grandma. I promise to pray to the image of this powerful Saint in honor of all of you.
I will be going on my first March for Life in DC tomorrow, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'll be sure to also offer prayers for each one of us while in the presence of all of that faith. It will be overwhelming, I'm sure!!
As for my cycle, I am P+9 today, and just got my P+7 b/w done today. I was going to forego it altogether, but my Dr said she can still "use" the information from P+9. I'm due for the blood pg test on Saturday, which means I won't have those results until Monday. More waiting, and of course, lots of pressure because I would love to say that while one very important person left my life this month, another joined it. What I do know is that St. Therese has been working miracles all around me and answering every single one of my prayers. Every time this past week that I uttered the words, "Please pick a rose from the heavenly gardens and send it to me with a message of love," I've had the realization that my heavenly Rose was the very best Rose I ever could have received. My Grandma has been the answer to my prayers, and for that, I will forever be thankful. She is the rock of our family, and the reason for my faith. I am who I am because of her.
I had some very slight spotting at P+5. Possibly due to the antibiotics and healing still...? It was only once that day, and not since then. I'm so tired of trying to read into my cycles, just when I think they are getting more "normal" looking, something else goes wrong. And I still have all this PC and 6PC in the post-Peak. I thought maybe that would disappear after Dr Toth treatment. Oh well.
In my dream last night, I did dream of my baby. Not pregnancy or even labor, but somehow I knew it was my newborn baby. The weird part is, my DH and I both have blonde hair, and the baby had the DARKEST black hair you've ever seen!! I believe it was a girl, too.
Again, thank you for the beautiful words and prayers that you offered me over the past several days.
Friday, January 16, 2009
MIA again *Updated
My mom just got a call from the hospital that Grandma is now listed as "critical" condition. As it was explained, this doesn't necessarily mean imminent death, but just that her vital signs are now critical. (Up until this afternoon, they've been great.)
I am having a really hard time accepting this right now. I am full of ugly feelings toward heaven, and I'm just so MAD at the world. Of course I knew that this was coming eventually, but I guess I had to have been in partial denial. I am just not ready. Yes, I realize that is a completely selfish statement, but I don't care. I have had to give up SO MUCH of myself for the past 2 1/2 years, and NOTHING at all has gone according to how I want it, so I should be able to at least get this one last wish, shouldn't I? All I wanted was to be able to tell her I'm pregnant. Now it looks as though she may not even be here for my test date. Not to mention how obviously NOT PREGNANT I still am. Who have I really been kidding? Sure I talk the talk but I honestly have no hope anymore. I'm just not meant to bring life into this world for whatever reason, and now it would seem I'm not meant to have my loved ones here with me, either.
Why? Why is God doing this, can someone please explain this to me??
I know I'm going to feel horrible about this post later. Right now I just had to get this out. I love my God. I do. I just can't control the anger I feel in this moment. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!
** Update: Well, I changed my final wish to be able to play her some of her favorite church music on my guitar and sing for her. I have been practicing my guitar (haven't played in a long time) since Thursday evening. Looks like I won't get a chance to do that either, because we were about to leave for the hospital at 6:30am this morning and my mother called me to tell me she passed at 3:00am. My Aunt, her youngest who lives in the Bronx about 15 mins from the hospice, was with her. She said it was very, very peaceful.
I just want to thank all of you for your prayers, because I know that she had as peaceful and painless a passing as anyone could ask for in her condition. That is surely a miracle.
I am having a really hard time accepting this right now. I am full of ugly feelings toward heaven, and I'm just so MAD at the world. Of course I knew that this was coming eventually, but I guess I had to have been in partial denial. I am just not ready. Yes, I realize that is a completely selfish statement, but I don't care. I have had to give up SO MUCH of myself for the past 2 1/2 years, and NOTHING at all has gone according to how I want it, so I should be able to at least get this one last wish, shouldn't I? All I wanted was to be able to tell her I'm pregnant. Now it looks as though she may not even be here for my test date. Not to mention how obviously NOT PREGNANT I still am. Who have I really been kidding? Sure I talk the talk but I honestly have no hope anymore. I'm just not meant to bring life into this world for whatever reason, and now it would seem I'm not meant to have my loved ones here with me, either.
Why? Why is God doing this, can someone please explain this to me??
I know I'm going to feel horrible about this post later. Right now I just had to get this out. I love my God. I do. I just can't control the anger I feel in this moment. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!
** Update: Well, I changed my final wish to be able to play her some of her favorite church music on my guitar and sing for her. I have been practicing my guitar (haven't played in a long time) since Thursday evening. Looks like I won't get a chance to do that either, because we were about to leave for the hospital at 6:30am this morning and my mother called me to tell me she passed at 3:00am. My Aunt, her youngest who lives in the Bronx about 15 mins from the hospice, was with her. She said it was very, very peaceful.
I just want to thank all of you for your prayers, because I know that she had as peaceful and painless a passing as anyone could ask for in her condition. That is surely a miracle.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
January 25th
So, does anyone remember my post a while back about the date January 25th? How DH was convinced we would either conceive or have a due date on January 25th (because our clock had been stuck at 1:25 for months before I changed the battery)?
Well, because of my whacky post-Peak phases since Dr. Toth treatment, that threw off the math to conceive on January 25th. But I just went to pick up my prescription for prometrium tonight, which the Dr wants me to take today (P+3) until P+12. Then she wants me to get a blood pg test on P+12. I just looked at my chart, and P+12 will be on January 24th... meaning I would get my results from the labwork on... JANUARY 25th!!!
Wild, right?
Of course, it doesn't mean anything definate. I was telling DH today on the way back from visiting my grandma, that when I talk about us having a baby lately, it seems SOOOO incredibly abstract. I couldn't find the words to describe it exactly, but I wonder if you all know what I mean? It's like, I have FAITH that I will indeed be a mother someday, and I also think logistically we will get there one way or another. But emotionally... I just feel completely separated from the state of "motherhood." And that really angers me, because that is the one thing I never, ever had a problem identifying before. Do you know what I mean? Am I explaining this right?
In any event, it looks like January 25th will be a day where I get some news. Only time will tell what that news will be.
Well, because of my whacky post-Peak phases since Dr. Toth treatment, that threw off the math to conceive on January 25th. But I just went to pick up my prescription for prometrium tonight, which the Dr wants me to take today (P+3) until P+12. Then she wants me to get a blood pg test on P+12. I just looked at my chart, and P+12 will be on January 24th... meaning I would get my results from the labwork on... JANUARY 25th!!!
Wild, right?
Of course, it doesn't mean anything definate. I was telling DH today on the way back from visiting my grandma, that when I talk about us having a baby lately, it seems SOOOO incredibly abstract. I couldn't find the words to describe it exactly, but I wonder if you all know what I mean? It's like, I have FAITH that I will indeed be a mother someday, and I also think logistically we will get there one way or another. But emotionally... I just feel completely separated from the state of "motherhood." And that really angers me, because that is the one thing I never, ever had a problem identifying before. Do you know what I mean? Am I explaining this right?
In any event, it looks like January 25th will be a day where I get some news. Only time will tell what that news will be.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
90210
Oh, to be a character in silly, naive, misinformed Beverly Hills 90210. (The original, not that "New" crap.)
I'm watching one of my favorite (note sarcasm) episodes right now. The one where Kelly thinks she's pregnant. Well, as it turns out, she was pregnant, and her period was actually an early miscarriage. When she goes to the Dr, they tell her they'd like to "run more tests," she goes back the next day to discover that the tests have revealed she has endometriosis. The clincher? She may never be able to have children.
First of all, WHERE is this Dr, and where does she practice?? Could someone please sign me up, because I would LOVE to see what kind of "test" she ran in the back room for all of 5 minutes that yielded a diagnosis of endometriosis! And then to deduct from that oh-so-ominous diagnosis that she is permanently infertile? Wow!! (Maybe it was a psychic in Dr's disguise?)
The thing that is really upsetting me is not how stupid this episode, nay, this show is. I love how stupid it is, to be perfectly honest. The stupid is what makes it soooo fun to watch :) No, rather, it's the fact that I shouldn't KNOW how insane and un-realistic that scene is. I should, like the rest of the 90210-lovers, watch in ignorant bliss as my favorite characters get stabbed, mugged, blackmailed, cheated on, and told they can never have children, and still come out alive and kicking on the other side.
But, no. Instead I now know more than cheesy soap opera writers about the workings of the female reproductive system.
I start prometrium tomorrow, at P+3, until P+12. The last 2 cycles, my post-Peak phase was on the shorter side (9 and 11 days), so I just wanted to be cautious. I have a feeling this will be one of my LONGEST 2WWs...
I'm watching one of my favorite (note sarcasm) episodes right now. The one where Kelly thinks she's pregnant. Well, as it turns out, she was pregnant, and her period was actually an early miscarriage. When she goes to the Dr, they tell her they'd like to "run more tests," she goes back the next day to discover that the tests have revealed she has endometriosis. The clincher? She may never be able to have children.
First of all, WHERE is this Dr, and where does she practice?? Could someone please sign me up, because I would LOVE to see what kind of "test" she ran in the back room for all of 5 minutes that yielded a diagnosis of endometriosis! And then to deduct from that oh-so-ominous diagnosis that she is permanently infertile? Wow!! (Maybe it was a psychic in Dr's disguise?)
The thing that is really upsetting me is not how stupid this episode, nay, this show is. I love how stupid it is, to be perfectly honest. The stupid is what makes it soooo fun to watch :) No, rather, it's the fact that I shouldn't KNOW how insane and un-realistic that scene is. I should, like the rest of the 90210-lovers, watch in ignorant bliss as my favorite characters get stabbed, mugged, blackmailed, cheated on, and told they can never have children, and still come out alive and kicking on the other side.
But, no. Instead I now know more than cheesy soap opera writers about the workings of the female reproductive system.
I start prometrium tomorrow, at P+3, until P+12. The last 2 cycles, my post-Peak phase was on the shorter side (9 and 11 days), so I just wanted to be cautious. I have a feeling this will be one of my LONGEST 2WWs...
Monday, January 12, 2009
God Bless the Creighton Model
Because without it, I'd be pulling my hair out!
On the cycle of intense treatment with Dr. Toth, I peak'd late at CD 20. Probably the physical stress.
The first cycle of oral antibiotics, I peak'd at CD 16. And this is pretty much the norm without ovulation inducers, after the ovarian wedge resection.
So I started showing Peak type mucus on CD 10 this cycle. Since Dr. Toth only wants us to use 2 days for TTC each cycle, we really had to choose wisely. I was guess-timating that I'd Peak around CD 16 again. But as DH pointed out, maybe we weren't starting "early" enough. (I think he was just anxious to get going after a 3 month hiatus!) So we decided to select last night, CD 13. My OPK's test line was also very close in color to the control line, but with PCOS, I am used to the LH fluctuating back and forth.
Now this morning I woke up, and have ever-so-slightly sore bbs. But even more undeniable is the fluid-retention feeling in my lower pelvic area. I think I O'd already!! It must have been this morning. So we will select today again, and hopefully these were the 2 best days we could have chosen. (In other news, every day of peak mucus so far has been 10KL. NOT gummy. Woo Hoo!!)
There would have been NO way for me to predict I'd O this early ON MY OWN without O meds and even without Metformin!! I can't believe it! I'm just so glad that I am charting Creighton, because maybe, just maybe, those white baby stamps were not just decoration this month- but maybe they really DO mean fertility :)
DH and I had a few hours by ourselves with Grandma yesterday morning. We drove down and decided to do Mass at the chapel there. Before that, we said a Divine Mercy Chaplet with her (she listened), which was really nice. We didn't talk about any of our fertility stuff- I already had a chance to speak with her about that. We just enjoy being with her to help her make this transition. Any time she does get pain, she clutches at her heart and says, "Oh God. I want to see my Jesus. I want to see my Jesus." She is ready. It is a beautiful thing.
If you'll remember us all in your prayers, I'd really appreciate it!
On the cycle of intense treatment with Dr. Toth, I peak'd late at CD 20. Probably the physical stress.
The first cycle of oral antibiotics, I peak'd at CD 16. And this is pretty much the norm without ovulation inducers, after the ovarian wedge resection.
So I started showing Peak type mucus on CD 10 this cycle. Since Dr. Toth only wants us to use 2 days for TTC each cycle, we really had to choose wisely. I was guess-timating that I'd Peak around CD 16 again. But as DH pointed out, maybe we weren't starting "early" enough. (I think he was just anxious to get going after a 3 month hiatus!) So we decided to select last night, CD 13. My OPK's test line was also very close in color to the control line, but with PCOS, I am used to the LH fluctuating back and forth.
Now this morning I woke up, and have ever-so-slightly sore bbs. But even more undeniable is the fluid-retention feeling in my lower pelvic area. I think I O'd already!! It must have been this morning. So we will select today again, and hopefully these were the 2 best days we could have chosen. (In other news, every day of peak mucus so far has been 10KL. NOT gummy. Woo Hoo!!)
There would have been NO way for me to predict I'd O this early ON MY OWN without O meds and even without Metformin!! I can't believe it! I'm just so glad that I am charting Creighton, because maybe, just maybe, those white baby stamps were not just decoration this month- but maybe they really DO mean fertility :)
DH and I had a few hours by ourselves with Grandma yesterday morning. We drove down and decided to do Mass at the chapel there. Before that, we said a Divine Mercy Chaplet with her (she listened), which was really nice. We didn't talk about any of our fertility stuff- I already had a chance to speak with her about that. We just enjoy being with her to help her make this transition. Any time she does get pain, she clutches at her heart and says, "Oh God. I want to see my Jesus. I want to see my Jesus." She is ready. It is a beautiful thing.
If you'll remember us all in your prayers, I'd really appreciate it!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Our Sex Life is a MESS!
{Today's post talks candidly about sex. Parents, please be advised.}
I know I already posted today, but I just watched Oprah's show about tips for a better sex life, and had a MAJOR epiphany. My sex life is a mess!!
I've already realized before watching the show that TTC sex leaves a lot to be desired. There are just so many things that need to happen in certain orders, and other things that cannot happen (I'm trying to not be too vulgar and explicit here). Anyway, I think we can all relate to the fact that infertile sex has become much more like a science experiment than about physically bonding with our spouse.
But at the end of today's show, the sex-pert spoke about how the bedroom itself needs to become a sexual haven, somewhere that you feel comfortable expressing your love for your spouse openly and freely. She said to cover up the television (we don't have one in the bedroom anymore), get rid of the pictures of Grandma, and make sure it's somewhere that makes you feel in the mood.
If you could only SEE my bedroom right now. It is a disgrace. And I mean it. The dirty laundry pile has increased exponentially since I've been gone, and I can never seem to keep ahead of laundry, so the pile is just always there (sometimes smaller than at other times). We changed the battery in the smoke detector last week, and so the chair DH used to do that is still sitting smack in the middle of the room. My laundry basket full of CLEAN clothes is also in the middle of the room. Basically, since the bedroom is the place guests don't see, it has become the place where I throw everything and anything when I need to clean up the house in a rush. And on the wall right next to my side of the bed? A Papal Blessing with a big picture of the Pope, and an 8x10 framed photo of my great-grandparents from Italy. Nothing gets ya in the mood more than the Pope and ancestors, eh?
I have some SERIOUS work to do, people!! No wonder I haven't enjoyed TTC. As comfy as my bed is, I really dislike being in my bedroom. And I've had Zero ambition to tackle that gigantic job. But it really is a must.
Oprah's sex-pert had some other really good ideas (homework for spouses), if anyone wants to check it out. Oprah.com
Of course, it's too bad they only spoke about the genital relationship when they were highlighting the sexual relationship. Fortunately, we all know that a sexual relationship is much more broad and fulfilling than just the genital relationship. But I honestly don't think I can do anything well in SPICE with my bedroom in its current state.
I know I already posted today, but I just watched Oprah's show about tips for a better sex life, and had a MAJOR epiphany. My sex life is a mess!!
I've already realized before watching the show that TTC sex leaves a lot to be desired. There are just so many things that need to happen in certain orders, and other things that cannot happen (I'm trying to not be too vulgar and explicit here). Anyway, I think we can all relate to the fact that infertile sex has become much more like a science experiment than about physically bonding with our spouse.
But at the end of today's show, the sex-pert spoke about how the bedroom itself needs to become a sexual haven, somewhere that you feel comfortable expressing your love for your spouse openly and freely. She said to cover up the television (we don't have one in the bedroom anymore), get rid of the pictures of Grandma, and make sure it's somewhere that makes you feel in the mood.
If you could only SEE my bedroom right now. It is a disgrace. And I mean it. The dirty laundry pile has increased exponentially since I've been gone, and I can never seem to keep ahead of laundry, so the pile is just always there (sometimes smaller than at other times). We changed the battery in the smoke detector last week, and so the chair DH used to do that is still sitting smack in the middle of the room. My laundry basket full of CLEAN clothes is also in the middle of the room. Basically, since the bedroom is the place guests don't see, it has become the place where I throw everything and anything when I need to clean up the house in a rush. And on the wall right next to my side of the bed? A Papal Blessing with a big picture of the Pope, and an 8x10 framed photo of my great-grandparents from Italy. Nothing gets ya in the mood more than the Pope and ancestors, eh?
I have some SERIOUS work to do, people!! No wonder I haven't enjoyed TTC. As comfy as my bed is, I really dislike being in my bedroom. And I've had Zero ambition to tackle that gigantic job. But it really is a must.
Oprah's sex-pert had some other really good ideas (homework for spouses), if anyone wants to check it out. Oprah.com
Of course, it's too bad they only spoke about the genital relationship when they were highlighting the sexual relationship. Fortunately, we all know that a sexual relationship is much more broad and fulfilling than just the genital relationship. But I honestly don't think I can do anything well in SPICE with my bedroom in its current state.
One Year
Originally I was planning on saving this post until tomorrow, since January 10th is the day I remember much more vividly. But in an effort to move past the negative and cling to the positive, I will choose to memorialize January 9th, 2008 instead.
So it is 1 Year today. 1 year ago, at about 6:00am, I peed on a stick (2, actually), and for the first time ever saw the word "Pregnant" appear before me. I was P+15, and 16dpo... and finished my hCG injections at P+9.
I got a text message from a girlfriend online who was also battling IF (she is now due in a matter of weeks, having conceived naturally shortly after her 2 Year mark while awaiting IVF), and I texted her back a picture of the tests. So, she was the first to know.
I went to work, and couldn't tell you ANYTHING that happened that day. I was on cloud 9, and nothing bothered me. I drove straight to my Dr's office after work, with the test in my pocketbook. Walking in without an appt, I asked the secretary if she could squeeze me in for 5 minutes, because I had "big news." I pulled out the test to show her. Secretary at MorningStar- second to know. Dr. came in immediately after hearing the news, gave me a hug, and had b/w done for me. Dr. and nurse at MorningStar- third and fourth to know.
When I got home, I called the hotel suites where DH proposed to me to make a reservation for that Friday. The plan was to decorate the room with baby paraphenalia (balloons, teddy bears, etc) and surprise DH the way he had surprised me when we got engaged. Lady at hotel- fifth to know.
Then I went online and posted a message on the message boards. Ladies on the message boards- sixth to know.
I was due September 15th. It's funny the little details I still remember. It wasn't a real pregnancy, so why do I remember these things? Why can't I erase them all from my memory?
Maybe because I'm not supposed to forget. Maybe God was trying to show me, if only for a day, what pregnancy would be like. And maybe that means I will never be pregnant. But maybe it means that I will. I'm not sure yet.
I am putting a lot of stock into this cycle. I would have done so, anyway, it being the first cycle since Dr. Toth's treatment. But now knowing I may have an opportunity to conceive while my Grandma is still here makes my determination even stronger. I am literally going to do everything I can, including putting all of my hope into it. I TRUST that my prayers will be answered. I TRUST that God will bless us this month with a pregnancy. I TRUST that all of this is according to God's perfect timing.
So it is 1 Year today. 1 year ago, at about 6:00am, I peed on a stick (2, actually), and for the first time ever saw the word "Pregnant" appear before me. I was P+15, and 16dpo... and finished my hCG injections at P+9.
I got a text message from a girlfriend online who was also battling IF (she is now due in a matter of weeks, having conceived naturally shortly after her 2 Year mark while awaiting IVF), and I texted her back a picture of the tests. So, she was the first to know.
I went to work, and couldn't tell you ANYTHING that happened that day. I was on cloud 9, and nothing bothered me. I drove straight to my Dr's office after work, with the test in my pocketbook. Walking in without an appt, I asked the secretary if she could squeeze me in for 5 minutes, because I had "big news." I pulled out the test to show her. Secretary at MorningStar- second to know. Dr. came in immediately after hearing the news, gave me a hug, and had b/w done for me. Dr. and nurse at MorningStar- third and fourth to know.
When I got home, I called the hotel suites where DH proposed to me to make a reservation for that Friday. The plan was to decorate the room with baby paraphenalia (balloons, teddy bears, etc) and surprise DH the way he had surprised me when we got engaged. Lady at hotel- fifth to know.
Then I went online and posted a message on the message boards. Ladies on the message boards- sixth to know.
I was due September 15th. It's funny the little details I still remember. It wasn't a real pregnancy, so why do I remember these things? Why can't I erase them all from my memory?
Maybe because I'm not supposed to forget. Maybe God was trying to show me, if only for a day, what pregnancy would be like. And maybe that means I will never be pregnant. But maybe it means that I will. I'm not sure yet.
I am putting a lot of stock into this cycle. I would have done so, anyway, it being the first cycle since Dr. Toth's treatment. But now knowing I may have an opportunity to conceive while my Grandma is still here makes my determination even stronger. I am literally going to do everything I can, including putting all of my hope into it. I TRUST that my prayers will be answered. I TRUST that God will bless us this month with a pregnancy. I TRUST that all of this is according to God's perfect timing.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Real Quick *ETA
I decided to stay for a couple more days in NY. Had to call out from CCD for the first time (I felt so guilty, my poor kids), and also reschedule a 1st follow-up with someone today. I HATE to reschedule follow-ups, I just think it's so unprofessional, ESPECIALLY the first follow-up! But I hope the client understands.
Anyway, I was told about a blog the other day by one of my newer infertility clients. You guys HAVE to check this out. What an amazing story of faith, perseverance, and love.
Here is the link:
www.samuelmay.com
Check out the links on the scrollbar, for the posts which speak in depth about the way Samuel came to be.
Stacy was not only given the gift of infertility, and then the gift of parenthood, but she was also blessed with the gift of beautiful story-telling. From the small amounts I've already read, I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.
An update on Grandma: She was transferred to Calvary hospice in the Bronx yesterday. We are going to visit her there today. Yesterday was one of her best days, too! She was very talkative, cracking jokes, etc. She also "gave" me her statue of St. Ann holding Mary. She said she would have given it to me sooner, but she was praying to her for me :)
*ETA- the blog link now works. And AYWH, her post from today is particularly fitting for your new IF attitude!
Anyway, I was told about a blog the other day by one of my newer infertility clients. You guys HAVE to check this out. What an amazing story of faith, perseverance, and love.
Here is the link:
www.samuelmay.com
Check out the links on the scrollbar, for the posts which speak in depth about the way Samuel came to be.
Stacy was not only given the gift of infertility, and then the gift of parenthood, but she was also blessed with the gift of beautiful story-telling. From the small amounts I've already read, I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.
An update on Grandma: She was transferred to Calvary hospice in the Bronx yesterday. We are going to visit her there today. Yesterday was one of her best days, too! She was very talkative, cracking jokes, etc. She also "gave" me her statue of St. Ann holding Mary. She said she would have given it to me sooner, but she was praying to her for me :)
*ETA- the blog link now works. And AYWH, her post from today is particularly fitting for your new IF attitude!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Gone for the Weekend
I may be able to check in, maybe even post, while away, but I'll be going back home to NY to visit Grandma before she goes in to Calvary on Monday. (It is a huge comfort to know how well-respected Calvary is among hospices nation-wide.)
From what I've heard, she is doing amazingly well. She has made her peace with leaving this world, and is being so incredibly strong.
I did want to post a TTC update which has me once again feeling bi-polar. On the one hand, I am completely distraught about losing my Grandma. But then today I emailed Dr Toth to see if I can POSSIBLY TTC this cycle, since I will O about 1 week before my meds are due to finish. He responded YES! He added, "I'm not that bad of a guy." So I will not miss this cycle after all, and may even have a good shot at getting pregnant! Oh God, please!
The reason I feel particularly optimistic about this is because of a "sign" I received the other day. I discovered in a Christmas card from DH's aunt that his cousin and his new wife already have a baby. (They got married last fall, and the baby looked at least 4-6 months old, so it had to have been a honeymoon baby.) Well, I recently got active on F.acebook, and found this cousin on there. His baby's name is Rose. I messaged him to say the baby was precious, a late congratulations, and also that I loved the name, as it is my grandmother's name. He responded: "It is my wife's grandma's name, too. We named her that because we found out she was pg the same day we returned from her grandma's funeral. We immediately knew it was a girl, you know, the whole circle of life thing."
I have this crazy feeling that MAYBE my story will pan out the same way. My last hope is that I will be able to tell my Grandma before she passes that her prayers for us have worked. But one thing I know? If God's plan for us was to not achieve pg until my Grandmother was up in heaven to use her powerful prayer from up there, then I am very, VERY glad we had her here for the past 2 1/2 yrs. I would never trade that time with her for a conception in "our" time.
Here is my wonderful, stubborn, opinionated, faithful, loving, strong Grandma:
From what I've heard, she is doing amazingly well. She has made her peace with leaving this world, and is being so incredibly strong.
I did want to post a TTC update which has me once again feeling bi-polar. On the one hand, I am completely distraught about losing my Grandma. But then today I emailed Dr Toth to see if I can POSSIBLY TTC this cycle, since I will O about 1 week before my meds are due to finish. He responded YES! He added, "I'm not that bad of a guy." So I will not miss this cycle after all, and may even have a good shot at getting pregnant! Oh God, please!
The reason I feel particularly optimistic about this is because of a "sign" I received the other day. I discovered in a Christmas card from DH's aunt that his cousin and his new wife already have a baby. (They got married last fall, and the baby looked at least 4-6 months old, so it had to have been a honeymoon baby.) Well, I recently got active on F.acebook, and found this cousin on there. His baby's name is Rose. I messaged him to say the baby was precious, a late congratulations, and also that I loved the name, as it is my grandmother's name. He responded: "It is my wife's grandma's name, too. We named her that because we found out she was pg the same day we returned from her grandma's funeral. We immediately knew it was a girl, you know, the whole circle of life thing."
I have this crazy feeling that MAYBE my story will pan out the same way. My last hope is that I will be able to tell my Grandma before she passes that her prayers for us have worked. But one thing I know? If God's plan for us was to not achieve pg until my Grandmother was up in heaven to use her powerful prayer from up there, then I am very, VERY glad we had her here for the past 2 1/2 yrs. I would never trade that time with her for a conception in "our" time.
Here is my wonderful, stubborn, opinionated, faithful, loving, strong Grandma:
2009... not to be outdone by 2008
I guess 2009 wanted its own claim to crap, because, like Sew Infertile, I also received a news-bearing phone call from my mother today.
My grandma, who was due to begin a strong course of chemo this week, now has cancer in her liver. And what that means is, she now has a matter of months, more likely weeks.
I am just numb. I have about a million emotions going through my heart and my head simultaneously. On the one hand, I had prepared for the worst (which, in my opinion, would be a long year of her suffering in and out of the hospital and living in a nursing home). I did not want that for her. But at least she would be with us. I know how selfish that sounds, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her just yet. She and my grandpa moved into a house 10 minutes away from my house when I was 4 years old. My grandfather died the following year (1 week before my 5th birthday). And I have had my grandmother close by ever since. She came to all of my high school plays, my graduation, etc. - I was VERY fortunate to be so close to her. As a little girl, I remember watching Shirley Temple movies and religious movies (Song of Bernadette, for example) at her house. I think that's all she owned. Shirley Temple or religious :) And every SINGLE Sunday, we drove her to church with us.
Now I live a State away, but still, whenever I go home, I have seen her as well as my parents. I can't even imagine how it will be when she's not here.
The inner struggle comes in when I think of how much worse this could be. I've already thought about how happy she will be to once again be with her soulmate, the love of her life, the man she calls her "gem." So being in heaven is nothing to mourn. But I just keep thinking about all of the things in my life that she will miss. She won't be able to hold my baby, if or when I ever have one. There's a strong possibility that she won't be here to hear that I am pregnant. That kills me. If it weren't for my stupid, stupid body, she would already have at least 3 great-grandchildren by now (my sister already gave her 1). I hate that I couldn't share that experience with her. I mean, I really HATE it. So much, that another emotion I'm struggling with is anger. I can't understand why God would do this. Why now?
LifeHopes, I could really use your insight when you read this. I know that you recently went through this kind of loss, and I just need to know how you were able to remain strong through it, and not get angry with God.
Please say a prayer if you can. I'm still hoping for a miracle.
My grandma, who was due to begin a strong course of chemo this week, now has cancer in her liver. And what that means is, she now has a matter of months, more likely weeks.
I am just numb. I have about a million emotions going through my heart and my head simultaneously. On the one hand, I had prepared for the worst (which, in my opinion, would be a long year of her suffering in and out of the hospital and living in a nursing home). I did not want that for her. But at least she would be with us. I know how selfish that sounds, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her just yet. She and my grandpa moved into a house 10 minutes away from my house when I was 4 years old. My grandfather died the following year (1 week before my 5th birthday). And I have had my grandmother close by ever since. She came to all of my high school plays, my graduation, etc. - I was VERY fortunate to be so close to her. As a little girl, I remember watching Shirley Temple movies and religious movies (Song of Bernadette, for example) at her house. I think that's all she owned. Shirley Temple or religious :) And every SINGLE Sunday, we drove her to church with us.
Now I live a State away, but still, whenever I go home, I have seen her as well as my parents. I can't even imagine how it will be when she's not here.
The inner struggle comes in when I think of how much worse this could be. I've already thought about how happy she will be to once again be with her soulmate, the love of her life, the man she calls her "gem." So being in heaven is nothing to mourn. But I just keep thinking about all of the things in my life that she will miss. She won't be able to hold my baby, if or when I ever have one. There's a strong possibility that she won't be here to hear that I am pregnant. That kills me. If it weren't for my stupid, stupid body, she would already have at least 3 great-grandchildren by now (my sister already gave her 1). I hate that I couldn't share that experience with her. I mean, I really HATE it. So much, that another emotion I'm struggling with is anger. I can't understand why God would do this. Why now?
LifeHopes, I could really use your insight when you read this. I know that you recently went through this kind of loss, and I just need to know how you were able to remain strong through it, and not get angry with God.
Please say a prayer if you can. I'm still hoping for a miracle.
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