Saturday, October 24, 2009

Had it Out

I had it out with God yesterday. Right after I had it out with DH.

The fight with DH was over money (what else) and his lack of getting paid, and it left me screaming, crying, hyperventilating, and snotting all over the place.

When I finally calmed down about an hour later, I realized this wasn't about the money. This was about so much more. This was about God.

I came out from my bathroom (DH had left), and sat in my living room where I have a crucifix on 1 wall, a painting of Mary holding a baby lamb and baby Jesus on the other wall. I started crying again, looked up at the crucifix and said, "I am so mad at you." As soon as the words left my mouth, the guilt (and irony) set in. Imagine that? ME, saying to Jesus dying on the cross, put on that cross because of MY SINS, I am mad at YOU???

Though the guilt was there, the regret was not. I felt mad. I needed Him to know that. I looked across the room at Mary. I said the same thing to her. "I am mad at you and your son." I continued, "I don't WANT to be mad. And I still love you with every ounce of my being. But I just don't understand."

From then on, everything I've been burying deep inside just shot straight up, and out of my lips. I told them (Jesus and Mary, that is) that I felt worthless, that they didn't trust me with life. I said I couldn't understand how they could trust others with life when they throw it away, and then completely ignore my repeated pleading for life. I told them it didn't make sense to give life to those who have struggled for SO LONG, via pregnancy or adoption, and then take that life away. Why?? Why did He do that to such good people?

I told Him I felt neglected, as if He was waiting for me to say some magic words or do some wonderful action before He blesses me the way He has recently blessed others who have carried this cross. Why not me? What more do I have to do?

I cried to them about how in my heart I felt that the CT was going to keep me forever barren. So I yelled at them for "punishing" me with this disease, when others who make all kinds of horrible sins and show no repentance for them are still able to conceive.

I sobbed about my inability to adopt. I asked them why? Why would He call both me and my husband to adoption, why give us all the signs of when, how, and which agency to work with, when we would only be denied in the end? And if one day we are miraculously approved, why put us through that to begin with? Hadn't we experienced enough rejection at Your Hands before having to be rejected from adopting one of Your unwanted children?

I asked them why they thought I'd be such a horrible mother, because to me, this was the only explanation for withholding life from me at this point. I've become a Practitioner. I'm halfway done becoming an RDMS. What, is there more?? Do you want me to run for freaking President of the US? Well, I'm sorry, but I'm done.

And then I cried for how my anger has changed my perception of this cross. I told them, look, I have ALWAYS viewed infertility as a blessing. And now? I am beginning to resent it. I do not see it as a blessing right now, but a curse. How am I supposed to sit through an entire banquet hearing stories about women who plan to kill their babies, and view a non-stop slideshow of picture after picture of babies, and not feel cursed??? (DH called that slideshow the "All Torture, All the Time Channel." He kept saying, "Aaaaaaaaand, here's another one. And another! Look, look how easy it is to get pregnant!")

Finally, I dug in my heels like a little kid throwing a tantrum, and told them I refused to continue helping people because I no longer know how to. I have reached a point of resentment and bitterness, and I am not going to keep "putting on a happy face" for the Infertility Support Group, or for my Creighton Model infertility clients.

Of course, I knew (and He knew) that was bologna.

But just like a child throwing a tantrum, after getting it all out I did feel better. And I can't help but think that I am more like a toddler in God's eyes than I realize. I know this point has been made before (maybe by AYWH?), but when a child screams and carries on that they want ice cream for breakfast, or they don't want to go to sleep at night, the parents who say "No" are not neglecting their children, but rather doing what is best for them. And the "No" is not an everlasting "No." Just like with the ice cream, the child may be able to have ice cream after dinner that same day. And instead of staying up all night, the child will be well-rested and be able to stay awake for the next day's adventures.

I get it. Really.

But I just need a little glimpse of understanding here. If God could just tell me, "Not now, but later, and this is why..." I would feel so much better. Or, if the answer is no, you were not called to be a mother in this life, please just let me know why. I cannot go through the rest of my life being mad at God. I just can't.

Man. Infertility really SUCKS.

20 comments:

prayerfuljourney said...

I often ponder that question "why?" myself. I am now believing that I may not really want to know God's answer. What if He told me something that would make me even sadder or madder at the situation? I often wonder if He meant for some young mother to give her "unwanted" baby to my dh and I through adoption...but due to the fact we have "free will"...she decided not too and therefore I'm not becoming a mother. That would hurt. I don't know if that sounds "silly" to you but I know one day I'll have His answer...I just hope I can handle it. I trust in Him and I know He is all good...so I just have to believe and do His will.

His reasons are always the right reasons.

Sounded like you needed that meltdown. IF is such a heavy cross to carry...how can God expect us to carry it with joy and peace all the time? I'll admit that I have done my share of ranting and raving at God too. I hope you feel better now that you have released your pain. Many blessings to you and I will keep you in my prayers.

Life In Mazes said...

I hope you don't get mad about this, but that meltdown was a gift to your spirit. God can handle our anger, at least we are not being silent.

I have had more meltdowns over this journey in the last 9 years than I care to count. Each one has brought me closer to Christ.

The Christ that lives inside of you, the one who sees joy in the smiles of children, is suffering in you right now. You are not alone in this journey, you know that, but sometimes it is hard to remember that Christ is suffering with us, He is counting every tear. Prayers being lifted up for you!

Ann - Building a Nest said...

While I have felt nearly everything you've written about, I have rarely if ever said it (and I mean really said it) to God. Probably because I hide my emotions from everyone and because my relationship isn't strong enough or honest enough. Yours is and I admire that. It's so much easier (or healthier might be the better word) to move on when you're able to be honest about the hurt and anger and lack of understanding.

Oh friend, we all know the feelings. This is an incredible burden and even the strongest and most faithful will bend under the pressure. It is good to let it out. It's good to be honest. Otherwise, you end up getting angry with others over other things (like the money) that have little to do with what you are really angry about (IF). This is my MO and I have to work hard to avoid it.

Find joy in every journey said...

Oh Hon, I am offering up my unpleasant symptoms for you. :)

I can't wait until the reasons for IF is revealed to us. I don't understand, but I think we don't have to.

The money stuff must be so frustrating, I can't even imagine. DH and I have had some blow outs about money. Using some of the reflecting techniques from counseling we were actually able to work through our issues.

I KNOW God has beautiful plans for you.

Maybe these are those awful pg hormones...remember my blowout with DH during my 2WW?

barbie said...

((hugs)) I have gotten angry plenty and my sil (the nun with Mother Angelica) told me to tell God that I was mad and angry. Heck read the story of Mother Angelica by Raymond arroyo, she was mad a Jesus at one point and "they weren't on speaking terms" yeah, you read that right, she was giving Jesus the cold shoulder!

I think your breakdown was very cleansing, we all need to get it out sometimes.

Sew said...

Telling God how you feel is not a sin!

I used to get so angry at God that I would run from Him, miss mass, skip confession and just sit on the couch. I did that for years.

But now that I am in spiritual direction and my Priest tells me over and over to take my true unpleasant feelings to God and wait with them in my room. I still distance myself from God but I don't go running.....Still working on it.

I am so glad you had that "talk" and you let it all hang out. I say do it over and over again until you are comfortable and you have addressed every white elephant in the room.

Your post brought tears to my eyes because I understand the depth of your pain.

Would you be mad at your baby if he expressed his true feelings of how angry you made him? Or would you bend down and hold him in his anger and love him through it? The Father, my dear, wants to do the same with you.

Keep doing this, I think it is great, I am so proud of you!!! There is nothing to be ashamed of!!!

Sew said...

The righteous cry out, & the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to those who have a broken heart & saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles but the Lord delivers him from them. Psalm 34: 17-19

Sissy said...

I think I missed a couple of posts and don't know why you aren't able to adopt. If you explained it at one point and I missed it, then I am sorry. Point me to the right post or send me an email and fill me in if you want. I'm sissyreads@gmail.com.

Oh, I totally get the venting at God thing. I've had a conversation with him a time or two.

Kathryn said...

I love the psalm Sew posted. I think it says it best. I am sure God heard your prayer and will reveal himself to you even more because of it.

kcmarie122 said...

I'm so sorry it has been an extra hard time for you. I think we all go through this at some point and I know God understands. Sending you big hugs your way. I will continue praying for you!

Kacy

mrsblondies said...

I'm sorry that you are having a rough time but like others have said, it's better to get those feelings out than to avoid them and seethe. God can handle any feelings we have, it's avoiding and ignoring him that He doesn't want.

Bon said...

I had many conversations like that with God. The climax of which was this past May when I crumbled after my two embryos didn't take during the IVF. I was so angry at God because why would He get me that far just to watch me fail?

My husband told me to stop IVFing until I healed my body from the medications. Like a spoiled child I screamed at him and said hurtful things. How could he NOT be on MY side??

And then I had it out with God. I told God I COULD NOT take any more. My prayer has always been "God close the doors that need closing and open the doors that need opening and we will follow your lead to do your will." I stopped and told Him, "I will wait until October for another IVF and then when we fail that, we will do adoption. If you have another option, I'm all ears."

Not a few weeks after my tantrum and fits, I got not 1. Not 2. But THREE adoption leads. The third of which is our son being born in 4 weeks. It's hard to NOT believe that was a sign. It's hard to not believe that if it was not for my pain and suffering then my son wouldn't be with me instead of someone else. If the IVF would have worked, he wouldn't be my son. If I hadn't given in to God, I wouldn't have felt the urge to move ahead.

So I don't know. I don't know why HE's doing that to you. It's not my belief that God sits up high and watches us suffer like ants under a magnifying glass, although it feels that way. God wants you to be on the path that is best for HIM and that may or may not be what you think is best for YOU. Unfortunately, that is the path that was made when you became a Christian. It's frustrating because we want total control.

You will be a mother. God would not put that in your heart unless he had a plan for that. I don't know how it's going to happen, but when it does you will be the greatest mother because you see everything through new eyes.

Of course you knew all of that already, but it doesn't hurt to hear it again.

Fertile Thoughts said...

Oh, I am so sorry to hear this post. I wish I could do something to cheer you up. IF really sucks. But I am sure God appreaciates the heart to heart ;)

Praying for you and Dh!!!!

xo,
Amber

Praying for Hope said...

I've been making that same argument for about a year now. I've been mad at God off and on for almost as long. I believe in Him, I continue to pray to Him for guidance, but I'm still upset that my life seems to be a game to Him. Not that it is, but that's certainly the idea that's coming across. I understand the word "no" if it's in my best interests, but unlike a parent to a child, God has yet to explain to me the "why". But that's not the way He works; we need to accept that, as impossible as that may be.

Don't feel guilty about the outburst. He needs to know how you feel. We may have problems understanding Him, but we can make certain He absolutely understands how we feel. Besides, sometimes, we just need to vent.

LifeHopes said...

Wow.
I couldn't get through this post without crying myself.

You said it all so well.

Just last week me and P had a blow - out, followed by my yelling and screaming at God out loud just like this.

Anger and sorrow only scratch the surface. It is often followed by disallusionment, abandonment, and hopelessness.

Infertility gets REAL old. After all the prayers have been said, the treatments have failed, and our hearts are broken, it is just us and God.

And it HURTS.

I am praying for you.

Percolating Petals said...

Amen, TCIE and the other posters. I'm glad you posted this as I feel like the only one after such a blow-out with God. I often tell Him, "Your will may be perfect, but I don't have to like it!" Hang in there and know that you'll be in my prayers. Don't you wish that there was some tropical island getaway for all of us IF women? :)

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

Sorry to hear about your blow-out with your husband and with God. You are right - sometimes all we can say is that IF sucks! And that's it. No silver lining. No offering it up. No seeing it as a blessing. It's just hard and painful.

I'm praying for you.

Danielle said...

I feel you!!! I get so mad at God sometimes. I cry and cry and often I think the hardest part about my infertility is not beinng childless, but having my faith so tested!!!
And this is what I have come up with...God has promised us a perfect world with No PAIN and NO Suffering and NO heartache. But it's not THIS world. I don't know why He's doesn't change the fate of a soul about to be aborted, and put it in the womb of someone who is longing for a child, and will raise that child in His ways. But He is sad with us when we are sad, and He will make it right one day. Until then, he cries with us, and when there is an opportunity to intervene, HE will. Have faith beacause at that time, He will!!!

the misfit said...

I agree with others, yelling at God is better than not speaking to Him. I'm more in the not speaking place, and it's amazed me how effortlessly I've abandoned all the good habits I cherished for so many years and thought I would never, ever change. I'm not giving up for good (I'm still Catholic, heaven knows), but I feel too weary to have it out with God, when there's so much baggage there, and I would feel so much better if I could just hide and not think about it, maybe for a long time.

Anyway. I think it's not unreasonable to demand (though these demands will not necessarily be answered) some REASONS for all of this. Because you can't do infertility any way that hides that it's a punishment, and though plenty of us could point to things we deserve to be punished for, there are plenty of infertiles who most certainly do not deserve THIS punishment. And it would be fair to have a reason. Although, as prayerfuljourney said, I worry most that I would be afraid to hear the reason - that it would be even worse than not knowing and thinking it was just arbitrary. Oh, what a mess. I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I hope you have some light soon.

Vent-ilation said...

Hopefully your having it out with God was cathartic for you and you get some peace for awhile. You're so helpful with everyone else, and it's not fair that things go the way they're going.

Whenever I get down or frustrated (about anything)with God, a line from this one song (I forget the group) always pops into my head, "I need a sign, to let me know you're here."

We are God's children and sometimes we need Him to treat us as such. We need Him to just comfort us and be obvious with us as a reminder that He IS there for us. It's not that we doubt Him, but sometimes we just need to be taken care of, too. Hugs and prayers to you!