I haven't blogged about this in a while. The reason is because is it a HUGE source of pain and insecurity for me, even moreso than infertility. Being "adoption infertile" has truly shaken me to my very core. I've tried to not even talk about it in real life- I simply told my mother and sisters that the adoption was put on hold, no explanation as to why, and no conversation about it.
When I do sit and think about it, though, I get all those familiar feelings that accompany being an infertile in a fertile world. I watch as everyone around me flies through their Home Studies, gets approved, and officially can say they are "pregnant on paper." I watch as those even MORE fortunate get a call that they have been picked to be parents. I watch as their dreams come true, all the while aching in my living nightmare.
We should be officially waiting right now. And, God willing, we may even have been blessed enough to be matched by now, since our agency had a ton of girls call them up in January/February when they were only in their first trimester. The majority of them were due in September, so the agency had them wait a while to make the final adoption plan. We could have been welcoming home our baby within a month's time. Instead, we won't even have the chance to get approved for another four months.
It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to lie in bed for days and not get up. I just don't get it. I keep hearing from other infertiles that their hearts aren't or weren't truly invested in adoption. Mine was. Mine is. But that doesn't matter. God has decided I'm not good enough to adopt one of His children. It pains me SO MUCH to hear people going through the adoption process taking it for granted, or not completely excited about it as I would be. It's analogous to being infertile, desiring a CHANCE at pregnancy, and hearing pregnant women take their fertility for granted.
We (DH and I) are good people!! Why is this happening to us?? We've accepted this cross of infertility with grace (granted, not ALWAYS with grace), and wanted to answer the prayer of a helpless child and a frightened mother in answering our own. Why, dear God, why won't You give us that chance??
I would wait for years and years for our baby. As long as I can officially wait.
**Just to clarify, for my friends who are Home Study approved, matched, or placed through adoption, I TRULY AM happy for you! Whenever a fellow infertile finally reaches a milestone on that dream of motherhood, I am OVERJOYED right along with them. I just needed to vent some of these emotions in the hope that maybe they'll now dissipate. Or at least I can try to re-bury them...