Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Broken and Defeated.

Well, it's happened. God won in the battle to break me down to where there was no hope, no optimism of any kind.

Our 3rd and final meeting before the home visit with our SW was scheduled for tomorrow morning. I received an email last night: "I need to cancel our meeting for Wednesday. Please have [DH] call me at his earliest convenience."

You know those glitches I told you about, without delving into too much detail? Well, one of them has now turned into a full-fledged issue. We will not be able to continue the Home Study until six months from now. That's right. We are on hold, due to the glitch, and will not be approved to adopt until at least 2010. That's if we can get approved at all.

I literally don't even know what to do with myself. This whole time, I was not treating our adoption process as a "back-up" plan, but rather, felt called to adopt, and was getting SO EXCITED about welcoming a child into our home through adoption. In many ways, more excited (or maybe "differently" excited would be a better way to put it) than I was about pregnancy. With pregnancy, there are hundreds of women that we know who have gone through it, and we know pretty much how it goes. But with adoption, it seems more special in a way since it's not something everyone is called to do, and every situation is so unique and beautiful. (I guess that point can be argued for every pregnancy, too, but you know what I mean.) And since we were so invested in the adoption, and so excited to be approved this summer, we decided to stop actively TTC (with all the meds, procedures, surgeries, etc. but not trying to avoid) come September.

But I guess God did not intend for us to adopt, either. At least, not anytime soon.

I honestly feel like I've been beaten into submission. This whole journey through infertility has felt like a series of beatings, and after each beating, I've managed to heal- not completely- but enough to get up and keep going. And then with the adoption process, we received a few beatings, in different places. But I healed from those, as well. However, each and every beating left me weaker, until finally I now feel like I just cannot get back up. I can't go on physically. I can't go on emotionally. I can't go on spiritually. And even if I could, would I want to? When all I know to be waiting for me up ahead on the road is another beating??

I really don't see how I can *read* this as anything other than God does not want us to be parents. I mean, most people take for granted the fact that "you can always adopt" if you can't get pregnant. Well, what if you can't get pregnant AND you can't adopt? Then you're one of the lucky chosen ones who will never be called "Mommy," will never watch your child sleep peacefully in your arms, will never gleam with pride at a recital or Little League game, and will never feel that intense love that all mothers speak about.

Is there a term for Adoption Infertility? Those who cannot get Home Study approved? Because I may just have to find a support group for that, now. Like infertility, no one can know what this feels like unless they've been through it. So please, no well-meaning commments about how you're sure in 6 months we'll be able to get approved, etc. Because, no, it's not a given.

I've never felt so horrible in my life.

24 comments:

Sew said...

I am so sorry. I am so sorry you are being asked to carry this burden.

xxoo

thenewsestnewsome said...

Im sorry this rock has been placed in your path. I posted a few weeks ago on my blog about our situation after homestudy #1. While it was a choice, on my dh's part to not continue, I too had to greive adoption, not knowing if TTC will ever work, and knowing he now does not want to continue with adoption. Youre right- its a very strange place to be, and like you, I was so excited to adopt, to help a child, and to open others eyes to the world of adoption.
I pray that the stone will be moved and your path will be clear.

Faithful Infertile said...

This just sucks. There is no way around it. Please don't think its God way of saying you shouldn't be parents. I know its hard, but I also know that someday some how you will be the best Mommy ever. Toto took us losing N, as God not wanting us to be parents, either. Just remember, God loves you. Ask him for the strength you need right now. I'm here if you need me, just pick up the phone. Love you!!!

A said...

Wow, I was so sorry to read this post. I will be praying for you, that you might feel God accepting some of this weight very soon- (hug)

prayerfuljourney said...

I don't think adoption is positively looked at anymore. Our SW came over a few weeks ago and she had no good news at all. Women come into the agency looking for help, etc but adoption is not an option. Like we are horrible people for wanting to do the best thing for babies that are not wanted, etc. I wonder if this will ever change? I heard in my state the gov is going to cut back on helping families pay for day c.are. Now that is scary. What will these families so when they have to work? I thought the current econ would help with adoptions...hmmm...I guess not. I'll keep you and your dh in my prayers.

Hafsa said...

Oh honey, I'm sorry you got such bad news. I know you feel beaten down right now, but God will lift you up. My prayers are with you. Trust in Him.

Nicole said...

Just a lurker here. But I wanted to add a couple thoughts.

If you look to the Bible, there are several examples of women who were barren. They were all women esteemed of God. Each one was a very righteous, choice daughter of our King. Their infertility was NOT a punishment. Each one went on to bare a VERY special child. For example, Elizabeth was the mother of John the Baptist. Rachel was mother to Joseph who was sold into Egypt by his brothers. The infertility they each went through prepared them for the child God had in store for them.

Infertility isn't being denied a blessing, Infertility is being promised a miracle.

Hang on. Your time WILL COME.

dawn827 said...

I'm so sorry. There is nothing i can say :( Just that i know this isn't God's way of saying you shouldn't be a mother. I KNOW you would be a great mother and God knows that too.

Jodi said...

I am so sorry this is happening Amy. I cannot answer why this is happening, but I know it's not because God doesn't want you to be parents. He must have greater plans for you. I know no words will comfort you during this time, but know that I will continue to keep you and DH in my thoughts and prayers.

kcmarie122 said...

WTH!!!!! This is just awful. I'm so sorry sweetie. I can't even imagine what you must be feeling. I think for me that kind of news might be the last straw for my sanity.

It is so unfair all that you have had to deal with. I wish so much that this would be different for you. I also wish there was something I could say to make it better but I know there is not.

Just know I care ok, and that I'm really really sorry that someone as wonderful and you has to go through something as shitty as this!

Living Advent said...

I'm so sorry about all the mess you're going through! I wish I knew something to say that could help but not sure that the English language covers this.

I DO believe that God intends for you to be parents... maybe through pregnancy, maybe at a later date through this agency, maybe through a different agency/ lawyer/ consultant, maybe all of the above... but somehow, someway, in His time (that's the sucky part sometimes) You will be an AWESOME momma! ((HUGS)) I'm praying for you right now and will keep praying for you.

mrsblondies said...

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with another road block. I hope whatever the problem is, it's something that can be resolved. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Stacia said...

Damn Amy!! WTH!!! I'm sitting here crying for you right now. :'( Seriously. Why the hell do things keep getting in your way? You deserve to be a mommy more than anyone I know & I simply can't understand why you're not one that's blessed with abounding fertility. It's just not fair!!!
But here's the thing though. God never said life would be fair. He never said that the ones that "deserved it" would be blessed with good things from beginning to end. Even Jesus himself had to suffer! I firmly believe that God doesn't give us bad things in our lives. Nor does He purposefully deprive us of what we want most. What He does promise, though, is that He will carry us during the rough times. And in this case the truly heartbreaking & miserable times. Let Him carry you Amy. I know it's hard to find Him now, but He's there for you & Rob more than ever. Trust that He will bring you your child. I don't know how or when, & I can't promise you it will be soon, but I do know that he has the perfect child chosen for you & he or she WILL come into your lives.
TONS of prayers & hugs coming your way hun. We love you!!!!

Sew said...

I just had to comment about Nicole's comment! WOW! That about knocked me out of my chair "Infertility isn't being denied a blessing, Infertility is being promised a miracle." All I have to say is AMEN!!!!!!!!!!

LifeHopes said...

I am SO very, very sorry. My heart is literally breaking for you right now. It just doesn't make any sense. None of this makes ANY sense.

I promise to pray for you, and to offer up my suffering over the next week with my upcoming surgery for this situation.

andnotbysight said...

I'm so sorry. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

Praying for Hope said...

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It never ends, does it? The obstacles never end. I wish I could give some incredible words of hope that God has bigger and better plans, but I'm miffed at God myself right now. I don't understand the obstacles and why this path to a child should be so difficult when for others - even those who do not want children - it's a walk in the park. God may not put the obstacles there, but He can remove them if He wants. Why doesn't He?

I do know that this feeling will pass for me once I'm out of the worst of this mess. I'll be able to see with a clearer head. I believe it'll be the same for you too. For whatever reason, you're going through a terrible time now, but it will improve.

All we can do is continue to pray - even when we believe it won't do a lick of good - and try to believe that there's something more for us. That's the true definition of faith: to continue on even when we feel like we can no longer believe. That's something you have.

Vent-ilation said...

It's not fair and it makes no sense. You're in my prayers.

Life In Mazes said...

I am so sad. I am grieving with you at this moment. I probably don't have any words that could comfort you, but please know that I am praying for you and for your husband. I am having to remind myself everyday that "We will not miss God's blessings."
I also loved Nicole's comment that IF is being promised a miracle. That blew me away! I am sending you big hugs!

the misfit said...

I'm devastated to read this. Sometimes it doesn't seem that there's any hope for any of us.

In all honesty, I don't think God guarantees anybody motherhood. We're all designed to yearn for it and those who don't get to have it suffer terribly. But I do believe - even when I'm angry with God, and heaven knows I have been recently - that He has something in mind for each of us. I don't know why you're being asked to suffer this, and I can't imagine a reason good enough, but I know he hasn't really forgotten you.

You're in my prayers.

Fertile Thoughts said...

I really don't know what to say other than how sorry I am for you both. This is such a very heavy cross. I just can't imagine how you must be feeling (((hugs))).

MANY prayers,
Amber

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

Oh no. I am so sorry. I have been having many of the same feelings as you! None of our attempts to work with an agency (or lawyer or consultant) have worked out. What is going on??? Why is this all so difficult? I promise to keep you in my prayers.

Mrs. Mike said...

:( I'm so sorry. This is so very frustrating on so many levels.

Beth said...

Oh no. I'm so sorry.

The only thing I can say, from the other side of IF, is that God DOES have perfect timing.