Sunday, March 8, 2009

Feeling Horrible

Spiritually and Emotionally, that is. Today's readings were Abraham's near-sacrifice of Isaac, the Paul to the Romans "If God is for us, who can be against us?," and the Transfiguration. I know that there are beautiful messages that I can take from each of these readings, and usually, I do just that.

But today at Mass I was in a particularly bad "feeling sorry for myself" mood. I felt like a hypocrite, crossing myself while asking for God's blessing, and thanking Him for His generosity... all the while thinking, "What blessings? What generosity?" I started to wonder this morning, what if this news about the MTHFR isn't exactly as wonderful as I first made it out to be? I mean, if you really think about it, this is just ONE MORE THING that is wrong with me. Why am I being so naive as to think that this will be THE LAST thing they find?

Here's just a sample of things they have found "wrong" with me since November 2006 (my first NaPro appt):

anovulation
PCOS
slight insulin resistance
thyroid system dysfunction
mild endometriosis
partially blocked fallopian tubes
hormone dysfunction (general)
pelvic inflammatory disease
calcification of the cervix
CT
moderate adrenal fatigue
MTHFR (2 gene mutations)

I mean, seriously?? I'm starting to get a complex.

So I almost lost it during today's readings and the Homily, as Father spoke about Jesus answering our prayers... how is this an answer to my prayers? How can ONE PERSON have all of this wrong with them? Add to that the slight prostatitis and low morphology of my DH (probably caused by ME and my stupid vertically-transmitted CT), and how could I actually believe that there is a chance I will ever conceive and carry a child?? I must be a complete moron.

So, this realization came to me during Mass, and I had to fight back the tears as I prayed aloud with the congregation... wondering what it is I am thanking God for. From the time I was a little girl, ALL I EVER WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH with my life was to have children. I remember praying nightly, "Dear God, please let me just live long enough to have a baby. You can take me any time after that, but please let me have a baby." I am not making this stuff up. I really see no point in living if I cannot procreate.

No, I'm not suicidal. But I am having an existentialist crisis at the moment. I will more likely than not never conceive. I don't even know what to do with this right now. I've always had some hope before... but today, it seems to have faded away.

So tell me, from here on in and for the rest of my life, for what shall I pray?

13 comments:

Life In Mazes said...

Reading your post was so hard because that is where I was not even 10 days ago. I have no idea how I got out of that funk, except by the mere grace of God who was moved not by my prayers, but by the prayers of so many others.
I have never given much thought about being tempted by the devil, but what I experienced in the recent past, that is the only thing I could think was calling me this turmoil. It would always occur at times when I would devote myself to prayer even more and be finding myself very close to Christ. I thought to myself today, we do not like to be tempted bc we are so afraid to fall right into the mouth of temptation. Jesus was driven into the desert for 40 days to deal to be tempted. I am only just beginning to understand the mystery of tempation, surrender, and loving God even when it seems to make us not get our way. I can only say that bc I am not there at this exact moment and I did find myself on the other side. I want you to be on the other side too. I am saying prayers for you right now. God bless you and I have complete faith that you will come out of this wiser and even more affirmed in your faith. By the way, as I was reading your list, I had quite a bit of them myself. Your little girl dreams are the same dreams I had and I don't think every girl has dreams like that and maybe that is why God gave us such strong desires for motherhood. I think that desire alone is the reason we will find complete healing one day. This quest, dream just might end up saving our lives bc all of those diseases you mentioned can cause so many adverse medical problems, that when I was scared to have my surgeries, I clung to the hope that this desire for children might in fact save my own life too.

the misfit said...

I think you ask one of the most important questions of all...what do you pray for? Because there's no guarantee that our prayers will be answered, but nobody wants to pray for something they really think God isn't planning to answer (heaven knows I don't), and what do we pray for if the thing for which we would have given everything else, is off the table? I've sure yelled at God - what do you want me to pray for? Expensive shoes? Cocktails? Indecent eveningwear? A self-aggrandizing career? That's what I was called to SACRIFICE. And smile patiently while people with bad priorities looked down on my family life - THAT I DON'T HAVE.

He hasn't had much to say on that subject. But a girlfriend did say something interesting a little while ago: to pray for God to tell us HOW we should pray and WHAT we should pray for. I've started trying that, because I'm all out of ideas. I can't promise that this is effective (I can't see a whit of difference in response to these prayers so far - maybe God has concluded I am insincere?), but it's a thought.

Also - with regard to your many ailments - I find it DEPRESSING to realize that, though I think of myself in my own mind as young and healthy and robust, I am a walking ball of disease. But, I don't think it's really me (or you). I think most people, even the young, are substantially disease-ridden (at least, mild diseases), from the point of view of the medical community - when in fact we ARE healthy and robust. Nobody is functioning perfectly; you just happen to have more thorough diagnoses than most.

Living Advent said...

I just prayed for you and will continue to pray for you. I know that each time I get a diagnosis I get that high of "yay! it's not all in my head" and then I have the crash that comes with living with the diagnosis. Hang in there, I know God will bring good out of all of this. God Bless You - LA

Find joy in every journey said...

Oh Hon!!! Want to make some time this week to chat? Let me know when a good time is to call. Sounds like you need a friend. You are really going through a lot and a little feeling sorry for yourself is ok. Keep the faith. :)

Kathryn said...

I hear you & feel so deeply for you. Since i was a child, i also wanted nothing more than to be a mama.

I have no answers for you.

I will say frankly that these days my prayer is to accept what comes to me, & to accept it joyfully, even if i never am a mama. Of course, i hope deeply that i don't have to walk that road.

On a positive, i have a dear friend who has MTHFR gene deletions (tho i don't know the details). She had had 8 miscarriages before they discovered MTHFR. With folic acid & some other simple stuff she was able to carry 2 pregnancies to term & have healthy babies. They are now 7 & almost 3.

allyouwhohope said...

Our priest gave a really great homily today about this topic (I'm probably going to post about it soon). It was about how Abraham was being tested and that we will all face tests.. just as the Our Father says.. Lead us not into temptation, which really means "don't lead us to the test"! But what Abraham's story tells us is that God provides. Our priest kept repeating that over and over. God provides. And specifically, that while we are being tested and remaining faithful, we need to remember that God will provide.

If one thing is for sure, it's that we are being tested. I had never really looked at it like that before, but today I realized I feel like that every day! Suffering through infertility while remaining true to our beliefs is not easy, but you are doing it and doing it BEAUTIFULLY! Just hold on a little longer and remember that God WILL PROVIDE!

Sew said...

God is proud of you for being obedient. He has trusted you with this special mission that only YOU can do.

WOW! I know your story but to see the laundry list of problems, I understand your complete desperation and depletion. But it isn't until we are depleted that God can live in us.

My heart bleeds for you...I am so sorry you have to struggle.

Praying for Hope said...

I glad I'm not the only one who wonders if she's praying for the right thing. I don't think there is a "right" thing. I think it's all a matter of belief. Even when things are at their lowest, you still believe that God will pull you through them. And He does. You always bounce back. You always find hope again. The fact that you keep praying even when it seems God's not giving you any answers - or any reason to continue hoping - shows what faith you have.

Keep praying. It'll be the right thing, whatever it is.

LoLo said...

I am so sorry you are feeling so down Amy, I know I can't make it better, I will just pray that you will feel better, you are a strong woman and I admire you greatly for all you've been through and how you are always helping others.

Fight The Good Fight of Faith said...

Courage, don't lose hope God will provide. We don't always understand His ways and why we have to endure certain things in life. I'm sure however this all has a purpose and it is in God's great plan.
You have been helping so many people as a result of this cross! God Loves you and sees your suffering.
You are in my prayers!!

LifeHopes said...

Thank you for your honesty. You've expressed the desires of all of our hearts so beautifully.

This cross is too heavy to carry. I have failed miserably, in every way, in this department.

This weekend as I was staring out at the ocean, a certain scripture came to my mind. I trust it was prompted by the Holy Spirit. Its where God says to His people, "I wil restore what the locusts have eaten." (Joel 2:25)

I know God is able to rescue us from our barrenness. I don't know how He'll do it, but He will.

Don't give up hope for complete and total fulfillment as a mother. God will hear our cries, and we will find happiness and lasting joy.

Sew said...

If I only did one time a week I would die!!!! OH MY GOSH! I probably go in one day the amount you go in one month! :) Probably not the comment for this postbut I couldn't resist! :)

Teresa said...

I'm so so heart broken for you. You are going through some crazy stuff. My God. Praying is so hard sometimes and I get so tired of getting the same answer over and over so I feel you on that part. I have no advice except just keep on doing it because it's like if we beg enough, maybe God will break down and give us what we want just to shut us up! Haha. I do it with my kids...why not?

I'm kidding of course but I definitely will continue to pray for you mama!