Sunday, February 22, 2009

BFN

There is really nothing left to say. It makes not one ounce of sense to me, but it is what it is. I'm devastated. I am not ready to mourn the loss of ever becoming pregnant, but it looks like I'm going to have to.

12 comments:

the misfit said...

I just found your blog bouncing around among posts and comments - I never got through all of Creme or I'd have surely been here already. I just turned 27 myself, likewise Catholic and no baby yet.

I'm so sorry to hear about your results. I read through the timeline of what you've been through already - what a rollercoaster. I suppose I may have all of that still ahead of me - my FIRST appointment with a NaPro practitioner (after 3.5yy ttc) will be in April!

I'm not sure I'd want to read a hopeful comment if I were absorbing my BFN, but I have to say - I'm not sure you're really hopeless. Think about this: with the obstructed tubes, morphology, endo, and infection issues, you've not been free and clear ttc until just a few months ago (or maybe a few months from now?). And they expect HEALTHY patients to take up to a year to conceive. At some point, it may be reasonable to conclude that you've given it so long that there's no real probability left and you should let go (I say "you" - I know I mean me), but you may not be there yet.

Of course, continuing to hope means continuing to suffer. It's funny - in the rest of life and discernment and faith, learning to let go and not care, letting God choose what He will give you, is a spiritual achievement and a good way to go through difficult patches. But with infertility, it approaches impossible - how to pursue treatment with your last dollar, and when you're emotionally exhausted, and be indifferent too?

Anyway, this is a longer message than I meant to leave. I will pray that your family grows soon, and I will keep visiting!

Sew said...

I am so sorry! What a slap in the face!!! Nothing can be said to even ease the pain of that news....Know you are in my prayers!

LifeHopes said...

I am praying for you tonight. I am SO sorry about the BFN ... I know how difficult it is to continue to hope for yourself, so I will continue to hope and pray on your behalf.

JellyBelly said...

i'm so sorry, TCIE. you're in my prayers.

Life In Mazes said...

That devastation sometimes just blows us away and I wish your were not having to experience it at this time. It seems that we are able to have real hope and then we are just thrown into sorrow again. I know that I do not have the words to bring you peace, but I know the loving God that we do serve will be meeting you with grace and mercy tonight. Just like Lifehopes said, we will hold you in prayer and fill in the gap for you when you do not have the energy or spirit to pray for your deepest desries right now. We love you and I pray that you and your husband can renew each other and allow God to allow you to minister to one another when the time is right.

prayerfuljourney said...

You are in my prayers. It is so hard...I think most of us IF blog friends know it. It stinks...there's no explanation. I think most of all it's tiring! Ugh. However, we all have the Lord in our lives and it's at times like these we need his strength more than ever! He's carrying us...I know it. I hope you are feeling better soon. When I pray the rosary (which has been more often than ever lately!!!), I always include intentions for my new IF friends. God be with you and hold you. Blessings.

Find joy in every journey said...

I know we have already chatted about this today but you are in my prayers and I was really praying for you this evening at mass. Our priest had a great homily and was really focusing on the fact that Jesus was so forgiving. What can't we be forgiving of ourselves? I don't know. Just know that He loves you, as does Mary. I pray that tomorrow will be better. We are still plugging along to that 6 month mark post DT treatment anyway. Ugh.

Fight The Good Fight of Faith said...

Courage TCIE. The Lord loves you and understands your pain more then you can imagine.

You are in my prayers.

Hafsa said...

I know that was hard to accept when you were so hopeful before the bad news. You're in my prayers.

Praying for Hope said...

I'm sorry . . .

lowly said...

Well, here I am sitting on my couch, weeping for you...and a little for me, too, I guess.

Please don't give up! Who knows what suprises our Lord has in store for you down the road. I got pregnant after five years on my worst cycle ever, matched with terrible timing. Sure, it didn't end like I wanted, but if nothing else, getting pregnant on that cycle has taught me never to let go of hope...it is my favorite virtue.

I am praying for you. I feel your pain...and someday (soon) I hope to share in your joy!

expat barrenness said...

Everyone else is saying it so well - I can only add my prayers and my thoughts.