Friday, January 16, 2009

MIA again *Updated

My mom just got a call from the hospital that Grandma is now listed as "critical" condition. As it was explained, this doesn't necessarily mean imminent death, but just that her vital signs are now critical. (Up until this afternoon, they've been great.)

I am having a really hard time accepting this right now. I am full of ugly feelings toward heaven, and I'm just so MAD at the world. Of course I knew that this was coming eventually, but I guess I had to have been in partial denial. I am just not ready. Yes, I realize that is a completely selfish statement, but I don't care. I have had to give up SO MUCH of myself for the past 2 1/2 years, and NOTHING at all has gone according to how I want it, so I should be able to at least get this one last wish, shouldn't I? All I wanted was to be able to tell her I'm pregnant. Now it looks as though she may not even be here for my test date. Not to mention how obviously NOT PREGNANT I still am. Who have I really been kidding? Sure I talk the talk but I honestly have no hope anymore. I'm just not meant to bring life into this world for whatever reason, and now it would seem I'm not meant to have my loved ones here with me, either.

Why? Why is God doing this, can someone please explain this to me??

I know I'm going to feel horrible about this post later. Right now I just had to get this out. I love my God. I do. I just can't control the anger I feel in this moment. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!

** Update: Well, I changed my final wish to be able to play her some of her favorite church music on my guitar and sing for her. I have been practicing my guitar (haven't played in a long time) since Thursday evening. Looks like I won't get a chance to do that either, because we were about to leave for the hospital at 6:30am this morning and my mother called me to tell me she passed at 3:00am. My Aunt, her youngest who lives in the Bronx about 15 mins from the hospice, was with her. She said it was very, very peaceful.

I just want to thank all of you for your prayers, because I know that she had as peaceful and painless a passing as anyone could ask for in her condition. That is surely a miracle.

16 comments:

Sew said...

I am so sorry, I don't even know what to say!

Betsy said...

Sweet Amy - My heart is just broken for you right now. My prayers are with you and your family! I know how special your Grandma was to you. Keep those memories close and know that she is always with you!! I'm so sorry for your loss! XOXOXOX

allyouwhohope said...

I am so sorry. Your grandmother and your family are still in my prayers. I'm so sorry you didn't get a chance for it to play out the way you had hoped, but I am glad to hear she had a peaceful passing. Perhaps now she will be able to take your intentions to the Lord for you.

prayerfuljourney said...

My condolences to you and your family. She is no longer suffering and now she is on her way to her home in heaven. Like allyouwhohope said, she is an advocate for you in heaven now. I will pray for her soul and for your healing. God bless.

Sew said...

And her wish to see the face of Jesus has come true....I bet she is holding your babies for you until they can be with you.

Hafsa said...

I am really sorry to hear that, so sorry.

There are times when we are angry and upset, but that's life. Don't let it control you. Don't give up hope, it's just as you've said: your grandmother's presence in Heaven is going to get you that baby. I know it.

Life In Mazes said...

My heart is so sad for you. I don't really know what to say to console you. I know the Holy Spirit is with you and your grandma is at peace. I remember being so angry when my grandma died because I knew she was also praying for me to be able to make a happy "I'm pregnant" announcement to her. When she was dying, I asked her to spend some time with Sam, the little one we lost early in our marriage. That almost made it hurt a little less to know. I pray that she will spend her heaven loving you all and bringing your intentions to the Throne of God. My prayers are with you and your family.

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

Sending prayers your way. May her soul rest in peace and may she now intercede for you before our Lord!

JellyBelly said...

i'm so sorry for your loss. you and your family are in my prayers.

i agree with sew that she's holding your babies until they're ready to be with you here on earth.

Vent-ilation said...

I'm so sorry. She's your angel now. I hope you still play your music for her -- she will hear you!

Find joy in every journey said...

Oh Amy. I am so so so sorry. I know how special she is to you. May she truly rest in peace. I will keep praying for her and for you and your family. God Bless.

LifeHopes said...

I am SO very sorry.

I know how much she meant (and will always mean) to you.

I am praying for you and your family in a special way, that the Holy Spirit will minister to your hearts in a way that only He can.

I truly believe there are many graces surrounding a Christian death, and I pray that you will receive each and every one of them.

Teresa said...

Oh girl I am SO sorry. I'll be praying for God to wrap His arms around you and your family.

kcmarie122 said...

I'm so so sorry! That is just so sad. It is so hard to see someone you love leave this earth. Know that I am sending up some prayers for your grandmother and also for your whole family!

Beth said...

Oh I'm so sorry!!

Sew said...

I can't believe you figured me out! Dang you!

I want you to know that I am praying for you!

Also, I started spotting on CD19 do it didn't matter our coitus days anyway! :)