My mom just got a call from the hospital that Grandma is now listed as "critical" condition. As it was explained, this doesn't necessarily mean imminent death, but just that her vital signs are now critical. (Up until this afternoon, they've been great.)
I am having a really hard time accepting this right now. I am full of ugly feelings toward heaven, and I'm just so MAD at the world. Of course I knew that this was coming eventually, but I guess I had to have been in partial denial. I am just not ready. Yes, I realize that is a completely selfish statement, but I don't care. I have had to give up SO MUCH of myself for the past 2 1/2 years, and NOTHING at all has gone according to how I want it, so I should be able to at least get this one last wish, shouldn't I? All I wanted was to be able to tell her I'm pregnant. Now it looks as though she may not even be here for my test date. Not to mention how obviously NOT PREGNANT I still am. Who have I really been kidding? Sure I talk the talk but I honestly have no hope anymore. I'm just not meant to bring life into this world for whatever reason, and now it would seem I'm not meant to have my loved ones here with me, either.
Why? Why is God doing this, can someone please explain this to me??
I know I'm going to feel horrible about this post later. Right now I just had to get this out. I love my God. I do. I just can't control the anger I feel in this moment. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!
** Update: Well, I changed my final wish to be able to play her some of her favorite church music on my guitar and sing for her. I have been practicing my guitar (haven't played in a long time) since Thursday evening. Looks like I won't get a chance to do that either, because we were about to leave for the hospital at 6:30am this morning and my mother called me to tell me she passed at 3:00am. My Aunt, her youngest who lives in the Bronx about 15 mins from the hospice, was with her. She said it was very, very peaceful.
I just want to thank all of you for your prayers, because I know that she had as peaceful and painless a passing as anyone could ask for in her condition. That is surely a miracle.