Let me just say, it is BEAUTIFUL outside right now. This is my favorite kind of snow... fluffy, coating everything but not sticking and melting. Gorgeous.
As I sit here on this New Year's Eve, I feel compelled to look back before I look forward. This is most likely due to all of the television series that concentrate on reviewing the "best" of this past year. Nothing immediately comes to my mind as being the "best" for MY year. But since I am determined to have the best in 2009, I think it's important to search for the good things that have laid the foundation in 2008. So here we go...
January- My false positive hpt. Often referred to as "the best and the worst days of my life" back to back. Positive spin?: Having experienced the emotions of a positive pregnancy test, I have had fuel to achieve a real pregnancy, probably for longer than I would have if I didn't go through this.
February- 1st consultation with Dr. S.tegman. (I was originally told that I would have the consultation in Dec '07 and surgery in Jan '08). Positive spin?: We had a very thorough appointment, and a plan for successful surgery.
March- Absolutely nothing exciting happened. Positive spin?: I ovulated on my own after discontinuing Clomid in February.
April- Surgery with Dr. S.tegman. Positive spin?: Endo was removed, tubes were unblocked, ovaries were re-sectioned.
May- Grandma got sick, and EPII (Education Phase II) in NY. Positive spin?: I am ovulating on my own without ovulation inducers! Grandma comes out of the hospital and tells me she is not ready to go, and that she wants to see my miracle first.
June- lost my school job because I took off for EPII. Positive spin?: I was hired to work for my Dr. as a Practitioner at her office.
July- Turned 27 without a pregnancy or a baby. Positive spin?: Got a nice haircut, and some great bathing suits.
August- 2 Year Anniversary TTC. Mental/Emotional/Spiritual Breakdown. Positive spin?: It was my phone call to Sister Renee at the PPVI Institute that prompted me to write to Dr. Hilgers.
September- Write a letter to Dr. Hilgers, being told it may take months to get a response. Positive spin?: Meet Dr. Hilgers for the first time at a Conference in Philly. Have my Dr hand him the letter and charts. He responds within 2 weeks(!!!) and refers me to Dr. Toth. I also become a long-distance patient of PPVI.
October- Testing with Dr. Toth in NYC. Very uncomfortable endometrial biopsy and prostate ultrasound. Positive spin?: We get our results, and can move forward with treatment.
November- Treatment with Dr. Toth, 10 days of prostate injections, uterine washes, and IV antibiotics. We discover my Grandma's cancer has returned, and has spread to her rectum and bladder. Positive spin?: We have a wonderful prognosis for pregnancy following treatment, are given the go-ahead to TTC after the oral antibiotics (many people need to wait longer), and if God feels it is time for my Grandma to see the love of her life again (my Grandpa passed 21 1/2 yrs ago), then I know they will be so happy together in heaven. And maybe her prayers for our baby will be even stronger from up there...
December- Grandma takes a turn for the worse, and family decides she just can't live on her own anymore. She is now in the hospital and will not come out until a nursing home is set up for her. Positive spin?: I'm still working on this one, because while I am not ready for my Grandma to go yet, I definately don't want her to suffer. But I do know that God chooses only very holy people to suffer for a long time before death (JPII, and various Saints, for example). It will be so hard to watch, but God's will can never be bad. Maybe I can offer my suffering up for hers.
So, as you can see, 2008 has really set the stage for 2009. Without many of the seemingly "bad" things, I wouldn't be in a position to ACTUALLY BELIEVE I can achieve pregnancy in 2009. It's still hard to wrap my mind around just how much has happened this year... and I pray that all of us will see the fruits of this year's labors in 2009.
Happy, Healthy, and Fertile New Year to you all!!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas
and a Happy, Fertile New Year to all of my blog friends :)
I was so proud of myself all day yesterday (Christmas Eve has always been the "bigger" holiday for my family. My mom's Italian, so we do the whole 7 fish dinner thing.) Not once did I break down, even while opening gifts, and wondering if we'd ever get to watch our child opening gifts. Then all my sisters went home, and it was me, DH, and my parents.
While watching some caroling on tv, my mom showed me a book she had put together of all kinds of homemade cards and letters we all had written when we were little. (Letters to Santa, Father's Day cards, etc.) I had seen most of them before, and it's so funny to go through all of them and see just how much our personalities shone through in our childhood "work."
Towards the end of the book, I saw a paper I had never seen before (well, not since I did it anyway). I recognized my handwriting right away. It must have been when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. The paper was titled "Thinking About the Future," and the very first question was, "When you grow up, if you could be anything in the whole world, like a firefighter, teacher, astronaut, etc., what would you be?"
My answer? "A Good Mother."
Looking at my innocent handwriting spelling out those words, I felt the hot tears starting to well up in my eyes. I always knew that I've wanted nothing more than to be a mother since I was a little girl... but actually seeing it IN WRITING was too much to handle. Later in the questionnaire it asked, "When will you consider yourself to be grown-up?" The answers were, when you get your license, when you can drink, when you own a house, etc., and my answer was When I get Married.
Memories of elementary school came flooding back while reading that paper. I remember thinking I couldn't wait to get married... not even just for the sake of having a husband, but mostly so that THEN I could finally start having children. It's been pretty emotional for me today, after reading what I wrote. I did have to excuse myself when we got home from Mass to have a good cry in the bathroom. I'm feeling a little better now... I just hope and pray that 2009 will bring the one thing my heart has desired from the time I was 7 years old.
I hope all of you have been enjoying a very blessed Christmas. I prayed and lit a candle for all of you today (well, not one candle for each, one collaborative candle for the group... I'm not Rockefeller)! May God Bless all of us and bring us His everlasting peace.
I was so proud of myself all day yesterday (Christmas Eve has always been the "bigger" holiday for my family. My mom's Italian, so we do the whole 7 fish dinner thing.) Not once did I break down, even while opening gifts, and wondering if we'd ever get to watch our child opening gifts. Then all my sisters went home, and it was me, DH, and my parents.
While watching some caroling on tv, my mom showed me a book she had put together of all kinds of homemade cards and letters we all had written when we were little. (Letters to Santa, Father's Day cards, etc.) I had seen most of them before, and it's so funny to go through all of them and see just how much our personalities shone through in our childhood "work."
Towards the end of the book, I saw a paper I had never seen before (well, not since I did it anyway). I recognized my handwriting right away. It must have been when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. The paper was titled "Thinking About the Future," and the very first question was, "When you grow up, if you could be anything in the whole world, like a firefighter, teacher, astronaut, etc., what would you be?"
My answer? "A Good Mother."
Looking at my innocent handwriting spelling out those words, I felt the hot tears starting to well up in my eyes. I always knew that I've wanted nothing more than to be a mother since I was a little girl... but actually seeing it IN WRITING was too much to handle. Later in the questionnaire it asked, "When will you consider yourself to be grown-up?" The answers were, when you get your license, when you can drink, when you own a house, etc., and my answer was When I get Married.
Memories of elementary school came flooding back while reading that paper. I remember thinking I couldn't wait to get married... not even just for the sake of having a husband, but mostly so that THEN I could finally start having children. It's been pretty emotional for me today, after reading what I wrote. I did have to excuse myself when we got home from Mass to have a good cry in the bathroom. I'm feeling a little better now... I just hope and pray that 2009 will bring the one thing my heart has desired from the time I was 7 years old.
I hope all of you have been enjoying a very blessed Christmas. I prayed and lit a candle for all of you today (well, not one candle for each, one collaborative candle for the group... I'm not Rockefeller)! May God Bless all of us and bring us His everlasting peace.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Barren
I've never felt more barren in my life.
Last night's party was, as expected, a constant struggle of emotions. Excited to have the kids here, but never more aware of my own infertility. I was forced to put MY children next door with my in-laws, because the 1 yr old couldn't handle my very friendly puppy (I felt SO BAD. Quincy just LOVES kids, and no kids like him because he's too in-your-face and wiggly around them.) Uzi was fine with those 2 boys, so we kept him. Then my other friend showed up with his 3 kids, and they are not used to animals AT ALL. The girls were freaked, and Uzi was just sitting there! Since we couldn't handle the screams anymore, we put Uzi next door, too. :( (Remind me to bring my dogs to parties from now on, and start telling people to put their kids outside because my dogs don't like them.)
Anyway, the other friends who were going to bring their dog couldn't make it. So it was JUST us and all the kids. The one guy with 3 kids, along with the other married couple with 2 boys, are in my singing group. Remember, the group where everyone had kids except me? Well, another member, who's wife was going through those miscarriages, ended up quitting the group... but my girlfriend still keeps in touch with his wife. She apparently got pg again immediately, and is now 19 or 20 wks along, with a girl. So, during my party, my friend decides to talk about this girl's pregnancy with the mother of 3. Then the conversation shifts gear into talking about their pregnancies. I couldn't believe it! They BOTH know about what I'm going through!!
Later, when the friends with 2 boys left, Rob was entertaining the rest of the kids in the guest room with the chinchilla :) (Afraid of dogs, but loved the rodent? Go figure.)
The mother of 3 started talking to me about TTC. Her husband told her that we had been experiencing problems, because they had, as well. She told me that they tried for their 1st for 1 yr and 1/2, and that her regular Dr put her on months and months of Clomid, only to find out she wasn't ovulating on it. She went to IVF NJ (this is a Catholic couple), and they put her on "a drug like Clomid" and she conceived the first month. Then they did the same drug for the twins.
I can understand that 1 yr and 1/2, no matter what the reason for IF, is long enough to warrant suffering. But I just couldn't really "connect" to her story of woe, especially since ALL she needed was to ovulate in order to get pg. Is that mean of me? I just don't see how that is anywhere near the plethora of issues I have wrong with my body.
Well, this morning I woke up, looked out my window at the frozen, white ground, dead leaves and trees, and just felt EXACTLY like that barren earth. I figured out that most of the time, I look at my infertility objectively. I guess that has become my defense mechanism. It's really the only way I can go about my daily life. I wouldn't be a very good Practitioner, for example, if I was constantly bursting into tears whenever I saw a white baby stamp on one of my client's charts! And I would make a HORRIBLE facilitator for the IF Support Group if I really gave in to how I feel deep inside. Come to think of it, most people, including my friend who was talking so blatantly about her pregnancies in front of me last night, and all of you, see my in this light. I can't really blame her for being so candid and insensitive, because I ALWAYS treat my IF as an entity outside of myself.
But not today. Today it is really hitting home. Every bone in my body feels the pain. Every corner of my soul is in question- why? Why don't I work? I am not a REAL woman. I'm not a real person. I am empty.
Last night's party was, as expected, a constant struggle of emotions. Excited to have the kids here, but never more aware of my own infertility. I was forced to put MY children next door with my in-laws, because the 1 yr old couldn't handle my very friendly puppy (I felt SO BAD. Quincy just LOVES kids, and no kids like him because he's too in-your-face and wiggly around them.) Uzi was fine with those 2 boys, so we kept him. Then my other friend showed up with his 3 kids, and they are not used to animals AT ALL. The girls were freaked, and Uzi was just sitting there! Since we couldn't handle the screams anymore, we put Uzi next door, too. :( (Remind me to bring my dogs to parties from now on, and start telling people to put their kids outside because my dogs don't like them.)
Anyway, the other friends who were going to bring their dog couldn't make it. So it was JUST us and all the kids. The one guy with 3 kids, along with the other married couple with 2 boys, are in my singing group. Remember, the group where everyone had kids except me? Well, another member, who's wife was going through those miscarriages, ended up quitting the group... but my girlfriend still keeps in touch with his wife. She apparently got pg again immediately, and is now 19 or 20 wks along, with a girl. So, during my party, my friend decides to talk about this girl's pregnancy with the mother of 3. Then the conversation shifts gear into talking about their pregnancies. I couldn't believe it! They BOTH know about what I'm going through!!
Later, when the friends with 2 boys left, Rob was entertaining the rest of the kids in the guest room with the chinchilla :) (Afraid of dogs, but loved the rodent? Go figure.)
The mother of 3 started talking to me about TTC. Her husband told her that we had been experiencing problems, because they had, as well. She told me that they tried for their 1st for 1 yr and 1/2, and that her regular Dr put her on months and months of Clomid, only to find out she wasn't ovulating on it. She went to IVF NJ (this is a Catholic couple), and they put her on "a drug like Clomid" and she conceived the first month. Then they did the same drug for the twins.
I can understand that 1 yr and 1/2, no matter what the reason for IF, is long enough to warrant suffering. But I just couldn't really "connect" to her story of woe, especially since ALL she needed was to ovulate in order to get pg. Is that mean of me? I just don't see how that is anywhere near the plethora of issues I have wrong with my body.
Well, this morning I woke up, looked out my window at the frozen, white ground, dead leaves and trees, and just felt EXACTLY like that barren earth. I figured out that most of the time, I look at my infertility objectively. I guess that has become my defense mechanism. It's really the only way I can go about my daily life. I wouldn't be a very good Practitioner, for example, if I was constantly bursting into tears whenever I saw a white baby stamp on one of my client's charts! And I would make a HORRIBLE facilitator for the IF Support Group if I really gave in to how I feel deep inside. Come to think of it, most people, including my friend who was talking so blatantly about her pregnancies in front of me last night, and all of you, see my in this light. I can't really blame her for being so candid and insensitive, because I ALWAYS treat my IF as an entity outside of myself.
But not today. Today it is really hitting home. Every bone in my body feels the pain. Every corner of my soul is in question- why? Why don't I work? I am not a REAL woman. I'm not a real person. I am empty.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Blog Award
Thank you to All You Who Hope for giving me my very first Blog Award! (I didn't even know these existed... but boy, am I having a good week!- anyone know that movie quote?)
This award acknowledges the values that every blogger shows in his/her effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary and personal values every day.
The rules to follow are :
1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person that has granted the award and his or her blog link.
2) Pass the award to other 15 blogs that are worthy of this acknowledgment. Remember to contact each of them to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
I don't even think I know of 15 blogs, but I would like to acknowledge a few that I think exemplify the criteria.
1) Red Cardigan, a Catholic, pro-life homeschooling mother, with some amazing insight into politics and a zest in her writing.
2) Meredith, at A Road Less Traveled
3) E, at Finding Joy in Every Journey
4) Eilyn, at Fight the Good Fight of Faith
5) Hafsa at Do Your Ears Burn?
6) JellyBelly at Frustrated Musings...
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I Can't Even Enjoy Not Having Kids
DH and I are throwing our annual Christmas Cocktail Party on Saturday. The house is "almost" in order (just don't look in the closets or the master bedroom).
We have been doing this party since the 1st year we were married, so this is our 3rd one. Every other year, I served drinks but didn't drink since I was in the 2WW. This year I could FINALLY enjoy some drinks with my friends...
But while talking to my good friends who have 2 young boys (they usually get a babysitter for the party), DH suggested we throw the party at the firehouse so we could have more people. My girlfriend jumped right in with, "Oh that'd be great, then the kids could come and run around, and we can come early to help set up." It was a nice offer, but at the same time, I felt kinda coerced into inviting the kids. Not that they WEREN'T invited beforehand, but it IS a cocktail party...
Turns out the firehouse is booked that night. But in the meantime, I went ahead and invited my other friends who have 3 kids (1 5 yr old and twin 3 yr olds). They are coming. So, now I've been going around the house like a madwoman making sure everything is "kid-proofed." I'm happy to do it, but at the same time, somewhere in the back of my mind I was a little resentful. Like, why should I have to child-proof my house and make special foods for the kids when I can't have my own kids and do those things for them yet? It's a horrible, selfish thought, I know, but I'm just being honest.
Then I just checked the evite again to see there was a new RSVP. Well, my 1 single sister changed her Yes to a No, saying, "Sorry, since I haven't pushed anything out of my body which became a tiny human running around touching everything, I'd rather not be at this kind of festivity." Ummmm... great! Now my Cocktail Party has become 1 Sad, Infertile Drunk Woman (me), and a bunch of children with their sober, fertile parents. WTH??? How did this happen??
I'm sure we'll still have a lot of fun, but dammit, Christmas is hard enough without being constantly reminded that I DO NOT have children. I also feel pressured to put my dogs next door, so that they don't knock down any of the younger kids or lick them to death. But THEY are MY children!! Why should I have to hide them away? KWIM?
Man, this sucks. Um, if any of you are going to be around NJ this weekend, feel free to come have some infertile drinks with me. I'm making pomegranate martinis, and so far, I'm the only taker.
We have been doing this party since the 1st year we were married, so this is our 3rd one. Every other year, I served drinks but didn't drink since I was in the 2WW. This year I could FINALLY enjoy some drinks with my friends...
But while talking to my good friends who have 2 young boys (they usually get a babysitter for the party), DH suggested we throw the party at the firehouse so we could have more people. My girlfriend jumped right in with, "Oh that'd be great, then the kids could come and run around, and we can come early to help set up." It was a nice offer, but at the same time, I felt kinda coerced into inviting the kids. Not that they WEREN'T invited beforehand, but it IS a cocktail party...
Turns out the firehouse is booked that night. But in the meantime, I went ahead and invited my other friends who have 3 kids (1 5 yr old and twin 3 yr olds). They are coming. So, now I've been going around the house like a madwoman making sure everything is "kid-proofed." I'm happy to do it, but at the same time, somewhere in the back of my mind I was a little resentful. Like, why should I have to child-proof my house and make special foods for the kids when I can't have my own kids and do those things for them yet? It's a horrible, selfish thought, I know, but I'm just being honest.
Then I just checked the evite again to see there was a new RSVP. Well, my 1 single sister changed her Yes to a No, saying, "Sorry, since I haven't pushed anything out of my body which became a tiny human running around touching everything, I'd rather not be at this kind of festivity." Ummmm... great! Now my Cocktail Party has become 1 Sad, Infertile Drunk Woman (me), and a bunch of children with their sober, fertile parents. WTH??? How did this happen??
I'm sure we'll still have a lot of fun, but dammit, Christmas is hard enough without being constantly reminded that I DO NOT have children. I also feel pressured to put my dogs next door, so that they don't knock down any of the younger kids or lick them to death. But THEY are MY children!! Why should I have to hide them away? KWIM?
Man, this sucks. Um, if any of you are going to be around NJ this weekend, feel free to come have some infertile drinks with me. I'm making pomegranate martinis, and so far, I'm the only taker.
Friday, December 12, 2008
New Instruction from the Vatican
http://www.usccb.org/comm/Dignitaspersonae/Dignitas_Personae.pdf
Just released today! (I have connections, lol!)
Here is a link with video clips from a Bishop in Ireland, and Dr. Phil Boyle, NaPro specialist in Galway, speaking about Dignitas Personae:
http://www.catholicbishops.ie/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1141:feature-dignitas-personae&catid=12:Features&Itemid=49
Interestingly, Dr. Boyle speaks as if the document takes a clear stand on IUI (in opposition to it). However, from reading the document, specifically the last full paragraph on pg. 7, I do not see a definitive position. I know that NaPro does not and has never used IUI in their treatment, but I was hoping that when this document was released we'd finally have a solid answer one way or another!! I mean, I know how I feel about it, and why I'm opposed to it (on both a moral and a scientific level... especially after reading Dr. Toth's research on infection being spread more rapidly via IUI, as well its bypassing the natural filter for abnormal sperm forms, etc. etc.) But it would be nice to have some concrete answer for couples who may ask me what the Church's position is, at the Support Group meetings.
I'm having my Dr. look over the document, to see if she can make heads or tails of that subject.
As for the rest of it, I'm so happy that these issues were finally addressed by the Church. And I love Dr. Boyle's response to it, especially in regards to how the Church's position on fertility treatments are often viewed as strictly prohibitive. Definately read the document and watch the video clips when you get a chance.
Just released today! (I have connections, lol!)
Here is a link with video clips from a Bishop in Ireland, and Dr. Phil Boyle, NaPro specialist in Galway, speaking about Dignitas Personae:
http://www.catholicbishops.ie/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1141:feature-dignitas-personae&catid=12:Features&Itemid=49
Interestingly, Dr. Boyle speaks as if the document takes a clear stand on IUI (in opposition to it). However, from reading the document, specifically the last full paragraph on pg. 7, I do not see a definitive position. I know that NaPro does not and has never used IUI in their treatment, but I was hoping that when this document was released we'd finally have a solid answer one way or another!! I mean, I know how I feel about it, and why I'm opposed to it (on both a moral and a scientific level... especially after reading Dr. Toth's research on infection being spread more rapidly via IUI, as well its bypassing the natural filter for abnormal sperm forms, etc. etc.) But it would be nice to have some concrete answer for couples who may ask me what the Church's position is, at the Support Group meetings.
I'm having my Dr. look over the document, to see if she can make heads or tails of that subject.
As for the rest of it, I'm so happy that these issues were finally addressed by the Church. And I love Dr. Boyle's response to it, especially in regards to how the Church's position on fertility treatments are often viewed as strictly prohibitive. Definately read the document and watch the video clips when you get a chance.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
HOLY CRAP!!!!!
HOLY CRAP, HOLY CRAP, HOLY CRAP!!!!
(No, I'm not pregnant, let me just get that out of the way now...)
But you may be wondering why, after I posted so late last night, I am up at this ungodly hour to post again... would you like to KNOW why??? Would ya? Would ya?!!
I JUST WON THE WPLJ HOLIDAY BAILOUT!!!!!!
On the radio, they advertised this holiday bailout, which includes $1,000 cash and other prizes like gift cards, etc. They said to go online and send them a letter telling them why we deserved the bailout this year. I didn't save the letter I wrote, unfortunately, but I basically told them that we have been trying for 2 1/2 yrs to have a baby, and that as Christmas approaches it gets harder and harder for me to know that I continue to NOT be able to give my husband the one thing I know he wants most, and vice versa. I told him that due to our faith, we were not open to artificial reproductive technologies, but that this year alone we underwent surgery and special treatments totaling thousands of dollars and leaving us with nothing in the bank. I also told them that my husband is a self-employed building contractor, and as they could probably imagine, he had not had any new work in a very long time.
I ended the letter with some statement along the lines of, "I know there are many people out there with many worse problems than this." But, I argued, if we were to win, it would not only help us out financially, but it would bring some much-needed HOPE back into our lives.
They must have liked what I wrote :)
Every day this week at 7:00am and 5:00pm, they've been announcing a different name, and then that person has 20 minutes to call in and claim their prize.
I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EARS this morning!!!! THEY CALLED MY NAME!!!!!
AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
$1,000 cash, a $100 gift card to any Simon* mall, and 4 tickets to Shrek the Musical!!!!!!
I have never won anything in my life before... I think this is a sign of good things to come! THANK YOU, WPLJ 95.5 FM!!!!!!!!
(No, I'm not pregnant, let me just get that out of the way now...)
But you may be wondering why, after I posted so late last night, I am up at this ungodly hour to post again... would you like to KNOW why??? Would ya? Would ya?!!
I JUST WON THE WPLJ HOLIDAY BAILOUT!!!!!!
On the radio, they advertised this holiday bailout, which includes $1,000 cash and other prizes like gift cards, etc. They said to go online and send them a letter telling them why we deserved the bailout this year. I didn't save the letter I wrote, unfortunately, but I basically told them that we have been trying for 2 1/2 yrs to have a baby, and that as Christmas approaches it gets harder and harder for me to know that I continue to NOT be able to give my husband the one thing I know he wants most, and vice versa. I told him that due to our faith, we were not open to artificial reproductive technologies, but that this year alone we underwent surgery and special treatments totaling thousands of dollars and leaving us with nothing in the bank. I also told them that my husband is a self-employed building contractor, and as they could probably imagine, he had not had any new work in a very long time.
I ended the letter with some statement along the lines of, "I know there are many people out there with many worse problems than this." But, I argued, if we were to win, it would not only help us out financially, but it would bring some much-needed HOPE back into our lives.
They must have liked what I wrote :)
Every day this week at 7:00am and 5:00pm, they've been announcing a different name, and then that person has 20 minutes to call in and claim their prize.
I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EARS this morning!!!! THEY CALLED MY NAME!!!!!
AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
$1,000 cash, a $100 gift card to any Simon* mall, and 4 tickets to Shrek the Musical!!!!!!
I have never won anything in my life before... I think this is a sign of good things to come! THANK YOU, WPLJ 95.5 FM!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Charts and Christmas Tree
I haven't yet shared with you my charts, but I think it's high time I did so :)
Whenever I get really depressed or upset with our "failures," I often take out my oldest chart and compare it to my newest chart. The difference is astonishing. What I'd like to do for you now is take you through my infertility journey visually, via Creighton Model stamps.
Here is my very first chart, from Summer 2006:
As you can see, I had stopped charting right before our wedding and honeymoon... but if memory serves me correctly (and it does, and it serves my poor DH even better), I spotted on the 4th day of our honeymoon right thru the remainder of it, almost 2 wks straight. So here is an example of an anovulatory chart with variable return of Peak-type mucus and LOTS of bleeding. Incessant bleeding. It stunk.
By the end of that chart (end of the 4th line), I had seen Dr. Jean. I started progesterone to jumpstart a new, hopefully more normal cycle. JUST WITH PROGESTERONE ALONE, you can see the difference in the last cycle of that chart, and the length of bleeding.
Then came this chart:
Still a novice charter at this point, you can see how I made up my own little stamp right smack in the middle of the chart, for a day of fertile mucus with spotting... I stuck a white baby on a red background! You can also see my extreme anxiety with the TONS of writing in every single tiny description box! I began Clomid in the middle of this chart, and you can see that I'm now actually getting a real Post-Peak phase to speak of... which means actual Peaks and actual ovulations :)
Here's the next chart:
And here begins the post-Peak yellow stamps for management of my pasty post-Peak discharge. Still on Clomid during this whole chart, and with the exception of the very late ovulation in the 3rd cycle, my cycles are becoming more regular in length, and I can now predict when my next mestrual flow is coming (and it's a REAL AF, not just spotting for weeks on end).
Here's the next one:
Look at that! GREEN Stamps in the post-Peak!! And in the middle of the chart, I begin pre-Peak yellow stamps! I can actually identify a true mucus cycle now! Cycles are still a regular length, but getting a bit longer due to later and later Peaks on Clomid. By the last cycle of this chart, I stopped the Clomid to prepare for surgery in the next chart...
Here's the chart right before and after the big OVARIAN WEDGE RESECTION:
Isn't that AMAZING??!! Aside from the long periods, I am Peaking without meds very close to CD 14, and have a solid post-Peak phase! Wait, it gets better...
Here's my latest chart:
Again, aside from the longer periods, these are now looking like classic charts! (Well, classic yellow stamp charts.) The 2nd to last line is the cycle of Dr. Toth treatment, which is why there's a lot of spotting throughout... but LOOK CLOSELY at that line and the next one. Not ONE DAY of BROWN spotting! It has been red ever since the 1st day of treatment! UN-believable!!
Just humor me now and go back to look at the 1st chart again. See the difference? Now, my Dr has often said I am not her "toughest case." But my goodness, if I were my Practitioner, I'd pull my hair out trying to manage those 1st 2 charts (I think it's time for a thank-you phone call to my Practitioner)! It is so cool to see how far I've come... how far Creighton and NaPro have brought me.
And just for fun, here's our famous Blue Ball Christmas Tree:
Whenever I get really depressed or upset with our "failures," I often take out my oldest chart and compare it to my newest chart. The difference is astonishing. What I'd like to do for you now is take you through my infertility journey visually, via Creighton Model stamps.
Here is my very first chart, from Summer 2006:
As you can see, I had stopped charting right before our wedding and honeymoon... but if memory serves me correctly (and it does, and it serves my poor DH even better), I spotted on the 4th day of our honeymoon right thru the remainder of it, almost 2 wks straight. So here is an example of an anovulatory chart with variable return of Peak-type mucus and LOTS of bleeding. Incessant bleeding. It stunk.
By the end of that chart (end of the 4th line), I had seen Dr. Jean. I started progesterone to jumpstart a new, hopefully more normal cycle. JUST WITH PROGESTERONE ALONE, you can see the difference in the last cycle of that chart, and the length of bleeding.
Then came this chart:
Still a novice charter at this point, you can see how I made up my own little stamp right smack in the middle of the chart, for a day of fertile mucus with spotting... I stuck a white baby on a red background! You can also see my extreme anxiety with the TONS of writing in every single tiny description box! I began Clomid in the middle of this chart, and you can see that I'm now actually getting a real Post-Peak phase to speak of... which means actual Peaks and actual ovulations :)
Here's the next chart:
And here begins the post-Peak yellow stamps for management of my pasty post-Peak discharge. Still on Clomid during this whole chart, and with the exception of the very late ovulation in the 3rd cycle, my cycles are becoming more regular in length, and I can now predict when my next mestrual flow is coming (and it's a REAL AF, not just spotting for weeks on end).
Here's the next one:
Look at that! GREEN Stamps in the post-Peak!! And in the middle of the chart, I begin pre-Peak yellow stamps! I can actually identify a true mucus cycle now! Cycles are still a regular length, but getting a bit longer due to later and later Peaks on Clomid. By the last cycle of this chart, I stopped the Clomid to prepare for surgery in the next chart...
Here's the chart right before and after the big OVARIAN WEDGE RESECTION:
Isn't that AMAZING??!! Aside from the long periods, I am Peaking without meds very close to CD 14, and have a solid post-Peak phase! Wait, it gets better...
Here's my latest chart:
Again, aside from the longer periods, these are now looking like classic charts! (Well, classic yellow stamp charts.) The 2nd to last line is the cycle of Dr. Toth treatment, which is why there's a lot of spotting throughout... but LOOK CLOSELY at that line and the next one. Not ONE DAY of BROWN spotting! It has been red ever since the 1st day of treatment! UN-believable!!
Just humor me now and go back to look at the 1st chart again. See the difference? Now, my Dr has often said I am not her "toughest case." But my goodness, if I were my Practitioner, I'd pull my hair out trying to manage those 1st 2 charts (I think it's time for a thank-you phone call to my Practitioner)! It is so cool to see how far I've come... how far Creighton and NaPro have brought me.
And just for fun, here's our famous Blue Ball Christmas Tree:
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Catholic Infertility Support Group
I had a meeting today with the woman from the Family Life Office at the Diocese to discuss the logistics of the Catholic Infertility Support Group that I will be starting! Unfortunately, there is just not enough time to get anything underway for this month... I was hoping to have the first meeting around Christmas, since it is such a hard time of year for infertile couples. And as DH pointed out, not only is Christmas hard, but New Year's as well, since it marks "yet another year."
I mean, technically, I could try to hold a meeting this month, but it would most likely just be me there!
The great news is that the Family Life Office is going to help by sending out bulletin ads to put in EVERY church in the Diocese, starting the first weekend in January. They will also advertise with "Catholic Spirit," which puts seasonal inserts in all of the bulletins. And when I showed her the pamphlets from PPVI that I was planning on providing at each meeting (pamphlets on Infertility, Recurrent M/C, Suspected Ectopic Pg, Progesterone use in Pregnancy, Endo., PCOS, ovarian hormone dysfunction, etc.), she said, "Oh let me know where I can order those so we can pay for them and make them available to everyone for free." That is just awesome! Here I was thinking I'd have to make tons of copies of each pamphlet on my own :)
I asked about signing up for a bereavement support training session, since we will also be serving women/couples who have experienced previous miscarriage. I want to make sure that I am properly trained for this type of support, since I cannot empathize first-hand. I will be taking the next course in March.
We spoke briefly about the Elizabeth Ministry, as well, and I'm thinking that this may be just one more way to get the word out about our group and about the prevalence of infertility, in general. But this idea wasn't completely developed, it's just sorta in the background as another resource.
In the end, we set a date for the 1st meeting (and subsequent meetings). We will begin on February 21st, and it will be every 3rd Saturday of the month thereafter.
The first step then was to find some samples of bulletin ads for infertility support groups, and fit them to our needs. Here's what I just finished working on, let me know what you think:
You’re Not Alone - More and more couples are experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss. Where can they turn for Catholic support, education, and resources? A new Catholic Infertility Support Group will be holding its first meeting on Feb. 21st, 2009 at the Diocese Center. To learn more about this ministry or to pre-register, please contact ......
Silently Suffering? - Are you and your spouse currently experiencing the pain of infertility or the inability to maintain a pregnancy? There is support available! Come join us for a Catholic Infertility Support Group, now being offered one Saturday every month at the Diocese Center. First meeting will be held on Feb. 21st, 2009. For more information and to pre-register, please contact...
St. Sarah’s Support Group*: a support group for infertile couples. One in every seven married couples experiences infertility. You are invited to join us on the third Saturday of each month as we share our stories, support each other in prayer, and offer resources following Catholic teaching for infertility treatment. Questions? Call... at... or email:... St. Sarah’s Support Group will meet on Saturday, Feb. 21st from 10:00-11:30am in the St. John Neumann Diocese Center.
“St. Sarah’s Support Group”* – A Support Group for Infertility {As we teach Natural Family Planning throughout our diocese, we encounter many couples experiencing infertility.}** Currently, 1 in 7 married couples struggle to conceive a child. To assist these couples, we are beginning a monthly support group at the Diocese Center in Piscataway. St. Sarah’s Support Group will meet on the 3rd Saturday of each month to share stories & scripture, support each other in prayer and offer resources which follow Catholic teaching for infertility treatment. Please contact ... if you have questions or would like to pre-register.
*I thought of the name St. Sarah's Support for a few reasons. First, many of the other patron Sts of fertility names are already used in different IF or Pg-related ministries (Hannah's Hope, Project Rachel, Elizabeth Ministry, etc.)- - and our wedding Anniversary is on Aug. 19th, St. Sarah's Feast Day. I found that fitting, if not ironic. But I'm not sure if we'll use it or not. We may just call it the Catholic Infertility Support Group.
**For that last one, the 1st line can be lifted to save space. All of these are completely stolen from other sources, except for the 2nd one- I wrote that one :) I've just always thought of IF as the silent suffering, because it's the only suffering I know of that others not going through just cannot really understand or offer you support with. It's also not spoken about nearly as much as other forms of suffering.
Anyway, I have some work cut out for me. The woman I met with was SO helpful, and had some great ideas for better organization of the meetings. She thinks instead of open-ended discussion we should have set topics during that time-frame, which will steer the conversation. So now I will be working on agendas for each meeting, topics of discussion, and guest speakers for certain topics (my Dr. has already offered to speak at one of the meetings, bless her soul)! We also have plans on how to a) get the MEN to the meetings, and b) how to get them to open up both at the meeting and at home with their wives about the fertility issues.
I am SOOO excited about this! I really had no exact vision for this when I first thought about doing it, and just let God take control. He clearly has a plan for the group, so I'm just gonna run with it! Thanks again to All You Who Hope, as well as Lottie and Tate over at catholicinfertility.org for their inspiration, resources and support!
I mean, technically, I could try to hold a meeting this month, but it would most likely just be me there!
The great news is that the Family Life Office is going to help by sending out bulletin ads to put in EVERY church in the Diocese, starting the first weekend in January. They will also advertise with "Catholic Spirit," which puts seasonal inserts in all of the bulletins. And when I showed her the pamphlets from PPVI that I was planning on providing at each meeting (pamphlets on Infertility, Recurrent M/C, Suspected Ectopic Pg, Progesterone use in Pregnancy, Endo., PCOS, ovarian hormone dysfunction, etc.), she said, "Oh let me know where I can order those so we can pay for them and make them available to everyone for free." That is just awesome! Here I was thinking I'd have to make tons of copies of each pamphlet on my own :)
I asked about signing up for a bereavement support training session, since we will also be serving women/couples who have experienced previous miscarriage. I want to make sure that I am properly trained for this type of support, since I cannot empathize first-hand. I will be taking the next course in March.
We spoke briefly about the Elizabeth Ministry, as well, and I'm thinking that this may be just one more way to get the word out about our group and about the prevalence of infertility, in general. But this idea wasn't completely developed, it's just sorta in the background as another resource.
In the end, we set a date for the 1st meeting (and subsequent meetings). We will begin on February 21st, and it will be every 3rd Saturday of the month thereafter.
The first step then was to find some samples of bulletin ads for infertility support groups, and fit them to our needs. Here's what I just finished working on, let me know what you think:
You’re Not Alone - More and more couples are experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss. Where can they turn for Catholic support, education, and resources? A new Catholic Infertility Support Group will be holding its first meeting on Feb. 21st, 2009 at the Diocese Center. To learn more about this ministry or to pre-register, please contact ......
Silently Suffering? - Are you and your spouse currently experiencing the pain of infertility or the inability to maintain a pregnancy? There is support available! Come join us for a Catholic Infertility Support Group, now being offered one Saturday every month at the Diocese Center. First meeting will be held on Feb. 21st, 2009. For more information and to pre-register, please contact...
St. Sarah’s Support Group*: a support group for infertile couples. One in every seven married couples experiences infertility. You are invited to join us on the third Saturday of each month as we share our stories, support each other in prayer, and offer resources following Catholic teaching for infertility treatment. Questions? Call... at... or email:... St. Sarah’s Support Group will meet on Saturday, Feb. 21st from 10:00-11:30am in the St. John Neumann Diocese Center.
“St. Sarah’s Support Group”* – A Support Group for Infertility {As we teach Natural Family Planning throughout our diocese, we encounter many couples experiencing infertility.}** Currently, 1 in 7 married couples struggle to conceive a child. To assist these couples, we are beginning a monthly support group at the Diocese Center in Piscataway. St. Sarah’s Support Group will meet on the 3rd Saturday of each month to share stories & scripture, support each other in prayer and offer resources which follow Catholic teaching for infertility treatment. Please contact ... if you have questions or would like to pre-register.
*I thought of the name St. Sarah's Support for a few reasons. First, many of the other patron Sts of fertility names are already used in different IF or Pg-related ministries (Hannah's Hope, Project Rachel, Elizabeth Ministry, etc.)- - and our wedding Anniversary is on Aug. 19th, St. Sarah's Feast Day. I found that fitting, if not ironic. But I'm not sure if we'll use it or not. We may just call it the Catholic Infertility Support Group.
**For that last one, the 1st line can be lifted to save space. All of these are completely stolen from other sources, except for the 2nd one- I wrote that one :) I've just always thought of IF as the silent suffering, because it's the only suffering I know of that others not going through just cannot really understand or offer you support with. It's also not spoken about nearly as much as other forms of suffering.
Anyway, I have some work cut out for me. The woman I met with was SO helpful, and had some great ideas for better organization of the meetings. She thinks instead of open-ended discussion we should have set topics during that time-frame, which will steer the conversation. So now I will be working on agendas for each meeting, topics of discussion, and guest speakers for certain topics (my Dr. has already offered to speak at one of the meetings, bless her soul)! We also have plans on how to a) get the MEN to the meetings, and b) how to get them to open up both at the meeting and at home with their wives about the fertility issues.
I am SOOO excited about this! I really had no exact vision for this when I first thought about doing it, and just let God take control. He clearly has a plan for the group, so I'm just gonna run with it! Thanks again to All You Who Hope, as well as Lottie and Tate over at catholicinfertility.org for their inspiration, resources and support!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
What's in a Name...
that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet?
Apparently, my name is my downfall. While working on a bunch of data entry for my Dr's office, I saw my own first name come up more times than I can even remember. These patients were all suffering from IF or recurrent m/c. I do understand that my name was a popular one in my generation (the generation that is now TTC), BUT, there were many MORE popular names than mine in my classes in HS and college, like Sarah, Megan (and all it's different spellings), Allison, Emily, etc. I actually never had another girl with my name in any of my classes. Ever! My point is not that my name is unique, it certainly isn't. BUT, why are the majority of my Dr's IF patients named this name??? Doesn't anyone else find that a bit odd?
I shared this with my Dr as I was doing the data entry, and she thought it was somewhat coincidental... until we just added the most recent 2 participants in the research study for IF that she is conducting... and guess what? They BOTH have my name! When she saw that, she started laughing and said, "I guess you're right!"
So. Thanks a lot, Mom. My Dad wanted Erica. I don't particularly like Erica, but I haven't entered data for any Ericas with IF or m/c.
On a secondary note, DH and I decorated the tree last night. After Christmas last year, my sister gave us a bunch of her Christmas ornaments, all shiny blue balls, that she no longer uses. (One year she did a theme of just blue and silver decorations.) So we decided to hang just the blue shiny balls this year, along with the other ornaments. And as we worked, with Christmas carols in the background, DH non-chalantly said,
"I guess this is appropriate."
"What?" I asked.
"Well, we're hanging just the blue balls. And it's going to be a blue ball Christmas."
And that's my husband.
Apparently, my name is my downfall. While working on a bunch of data entry for my Dr's office, I saw my own first name come up more times than I can even remember. These patients were all suffering from IF or recurrent m/c. I do understand that my name was a popular one in my generation (the generation that is now TTC), BUT, there were many MORE popular names than mine in my classes in HS and college, like Sarah, Megan (and all it's different spellings), Allison, Emily, etc. I actually never had another girl with my name in any of my classes. Ever! My point is not that my name is unique, it certainly isn't. BUT, why are the majority of my Dr's IF patients named this name??? Doesn't anyone else find that a bit odd?
I shared this with my Dr as I was doing the data entry, and she thought it was somewhat coincidental... until we just added the most recent 2 participants in the research study for IF that she is conducting... and guess what? They BOTH have my name! When she saw that, she started laughing and said, "I guess you're right!"
So. Thanks a lot, Mom. My Dad wanted Erica. I don't particularly like Erica, but I haven't entered data for any Ericas with IF or m/c.
On a secondary note, DH and I decorated the tree last night. After Christmas last year, my sister gave us a bunch of her Christmas ornaments, all shiny blue balls, that she no longer uses. (One year she did a theme of just blue and silver decorations.) So we decided to hang just the blue shiny balls this year, along with the other ornaments. And as we worked, with Christmas carols in the background, DH non-chalantly said,
"I guess this is appropriate."
"What?" I asked.
"Well, we're hanging just the blue balls. And it's going to be a blue ball Christmas."
And that's my husband.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Oh, Phooey :(
I started AF today. Not my normal disappointment from lack of pregnancy this time... (and if I were pg, I would seriously question what Dr. Toth put in that uterine wash!!!)... but I had a 9 day post-Peak phase only, so this throws off all of my wonderful math, leading to a January 25th conception.
I'm not hell-bent on conceiving on that exact date, of course, but now it looks like I'll Peak in January BEFORE my antibiotics are up... when I'm not supposed to be having intercourse. But MAYBE there's still a chance we can TTC in January, if I have late Peaks again this month and next. (My Dr. called to let me know the progesterone from P+8 was low, which I already knew since I started bleeding 2 days later. But she said the good news is I ovulated without stimulation. I guess I totally took that one for granted, huh?! Just 8 months ago I never thought I'd see the day where I'd ovulated without meds. I have to keep reminding myself how far I've truly come.)
Oh, AND, my AF is bright, bright red. Is that how it's supposed to look?? I'm so used to dark red clots on the 1st days of my period, and then brown spotting for several days at the end! Pretty cool how quickly Dr. Toth's treatment has improved things!
I'm not hell-bent on conceiving on that exact date, of course, but now it looks like I'll Peak in January BEFORE my antibiotics are up... when I'm not supposed to be having intercourse. But MAYBE there's still a chance we can TTC in January, if I have late Peaks again this month and next. (My Dr. called to let me know the progesterone from P+8 was low, which I already knew since I started bleeding 2 days later. But she said the good news is I ovulated without stimulation. I guess I totally took that one for granted, huh?! Just 8 months ago I never thought I'd see the day where I'd ovulated without meds. I have to keep reminding myself how far I've truly come.)
Oh, AND, my AF is bright, bright red. Is that how it's supposed to look?? I'm so used to dark red clots on the 1st days of my period, and then brown spotting for several days at the end! Pretty cool how quickly Dr. Toth's treatment has improved things!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
January 25th
I was just emailing E from "Finding Joy in Every Journey" about this, and figured I may want to go on record with it... just in case :)
So, DH and I were watching some movie or tv show a few weeks back, and the main character made some comment about how she knew something was going to happen on a specific date, because when she woke up her clock was stuck on that time. For example, if her clock was stuck on 3:13, she knew something was going to happen on March 13th. DH and I looked at each other and then looked at the clock which hangs in our living room right above the tv... the batteries died in that clock a looooong time ago (longer than I care to admit), and I've been too lazy to change them. Anyway, the clock is stuck at 1:25. I said, half-jokingly, "Maybe we'll conceive on January 25th!" DH is now CERTAIN that we will, indeed, conceive on January 25th. He's the eternal optimist, that one.
Just for giggles, I worked out the math in my head the other day. The uterine washes did delay my Peak day by a few extra days this cycle, and I Peaked on CD 20. Usually without Femara, I will Peak around CD 16-17 on my own. I am now due for AF on December 8th. The next AF would be due around January 8th. And 16-17 days later?? January 24th-25th!! How weird is that?! (We are done with antibiotics on Jan 22nd, so technically we will be in the clear to TTC by then, too!)
Now, I must keep in mind that I have recently stopped taking Metformin as per Dr. Toth and my NaPro Dr's suggestion (the antibiotics are so strong that they don't want to mess with possible additional digestive issues). I don't know if my body can or will O on its own without Metformin. But if my calculations are correct, it is one crazy coincidence!
And to make it even weirder... I went to LabCorp for b/w yesterday, and upon signing in, looked up at the clock for the time and it was... you guessed it. EXACTLY 1:25.
So maybe if I am not going to conceive on January 25th, my due date will be January 25th 2010? Only TIME will tell...
So, DH and I were watching some movie or tv show a few weeks back, and the main character made some comment about how she knew something was going to happen on a specific date, because when she woke up her clock was stuck on that time. For example, if her clock was stuck on 3:13, she knew something was going to happen on March 13th. DH and I looked at each other and then looked at the clock which hangs in our living room right above the tv... the batteries died in that clock a looooong time ago (longer than I care to admit), and I've been too lazy to change them. Anyway, the clock is stuck at 1:25. I said, half-jokingly, "Maybe we'll conceive on January 25th!" DH is now CERTAIN that we will, indeed, conceive on January 25th. He's the eternal optimist, that one.
Just for giggles, I worked out the math in my head the other day. The uterine washes did delay my Peak day by a few extra days this cycle, and I Peaked on CD 20. Usually without Femara, I will Peak around CD 16-17 on my own. I am now due for AF on December 8th. The next AF would be due around January 8th. And 16-17 days later?? January 24th-25th!! How weird is that?! (We are done with antibiotics on Jan 22nd, so technically we will be in the clear to TTC by then, too!)
Now, I must keep in mind that I have recently stopped taking Metformin as per Dr. Toth and my NaPro Dr's suggestion (the antibiotics are so strong that they don't want to mess with possible additional digestive issues). I don't know if my body can or will O on its own without Metformin. But if my calculations are correct, it is one crazy coincidence!
And to make it even weirder... I went to LabCorp for b/w yesterday, and upon signing in, looked up at the clock for the time and it was... you guessed it. EXACTLY 1:25.
So maybe if I am not going to conceive on January 25th, my due date will be January 25th 2010? Only TIME will tell...
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