You can imagine my surprise in receiving a response letter from Dr. Hilgers today!!! SO SOON! I can't believe it! I guess it helps to know people in high places :)
I really can't do the letter justice by paraphrasing. Neither the information nor the caring, personal nature of this incredible man and Dr would be properly represented. So I will write for you the entire letter here:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Blankblank:
Thank you very much for your recent letter of September 2, 2008 which Dr. J gave to me when we saw each other in a joint meeting in Philadelphia last week. I have had the opportunity to review your letter and also to review the various labaratory tests that you have had performed, including the laparoscopy and seminal fluid analysis. I have also reviewed your Creighton Model FertilityCare charts and I would like to give you the following input.
First of all, I think that all of the treatment you have had up to this point has been completely appropriate. (I really needed to hear this.) Of course, it does not seem all that great since you have not yet achieved a pregnancy. However, I do have a few thoughts with regard to this which might be of some help.
In your charting, you have a consistent patterm of 2 to 3 days of brown bleeding at the end of your menstrual flow and your periods go to 8, 9, and 10 days in duration. This type of bleeding pattern can be associated with a low-grade infection or inflammation present inside the uterus in its lining.** Thus, there are a couple of things that you could consider.
Since you are in New Jersey, you could consider obtaining a consultation from Dr. Blankity Blank. Dr. Blank is an ob/gyn who is also a pathologist and he has pioneered the treatment of low-grade infection inside the uterus over the last 25 years. He is located in New York City. His office laboratory is associated with the "McBlank" Laboratory and is located at: (gives address and phone #)
You could consider seeing Dr. Blank and having cultures done and then having treatment for this. He is very aggressive in getting this treated and we have had patients such as yourself be successful with it. It is a form of treatment which is consistent with NaPro Technology, although Dr. Blank himself has done and continues to refer on occasion for in vitro fertilization. In any regard, I do think visiting with him and trying this, in addition to what you are currently doing might be of some value to you.
The second thing that I would suggest has to do with something we are just beginning to investigate. This is the role of the adrenal gland in situations of infertility. There are many women who have decreased adrenal reserve (a form of mild insufficiency of the adrenal glands) and who could become candidates for treatment with low-dose hydrocortisone. I am not quite at the point where I can recommend this treatment to you, yet. However, by the 1st of November I think I will be able to do that. It does need to be monitored properly and so forth.
In the meantime, I think if you could have a serum cortisol level drawn and run on day 5 of your cycle and also on P+7 and then have those results sent to me, I can then begin to look at them and see if this would be of any potential advantage to you. Again, I will not be in a position where I can implement any treatment before the 1st of November. And then, of course, I do not know if it is going to work because it is a brand new treatment approach for us. It is, however, very consistent with the approach of NaPro Technology.
I do hope that this all may be of some help to you. If I can be of any further help to you, please let me know. I am certainly very interested in working with you. (Imagine that!!)
From this point forward, I would suggest contacting my nurses directly at (gives phone #) when you need something. I will use them as a conduit for communication.
If there is anything else we can do, please let us know.
Sincerely yours,
Thomas W. Hilgers, MD
cc: Dr. J
**At the Conference in Philly, I wrote down in my notes: "TEBB (tail-end brown bleeding)- low-grade infection of uterus" because I knew I had it a lot in my charts and always wondered what it could be!! Then I forgot all about it.
So this is my letter from Dr. Hilgers :) I feel like I just got a personal letter from the Pope! This has TOTALLY given me a newfound sense of hope, and especially drive. I'm calling Dr. Blankity Blank on Monday morning!
As always, I'll continue to keep you all posted.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
I am Simon of Cyrene
I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days. I've been thinking of just how blessed I am, to have been given my infertility. Now before you curse at your computer screen and click away from this blog with a vow never to return, let me back up and explain:
God has chosen me, just as Simon of Cyrene was chosen, to help His Son carry His cross. We Catholics all understand the idea of redemptive suffering, and "offering it up" (man I used to hate those words as a kid, when all I wanted to do was whine and get my way). Well, God decided that I should be called to offer myself in this way; that I should be chosen to make the burden of Jesus' cross lighter, through my suffering. And He trusted me SO MUCH, that he chose the one and only way in which I would ever truly suffer: infertility.
My lot in life could have been to be without a home, or possessions. But God knows me. He knows that material things are not what is important to me. His plan for me could have been to be physically handicapped, to never marry, or to lose close family members. But He knows that in all of these things, I would have found an alternate calling for my life, prayed for guidance, and carried on in my new vocation. God knows me so well, (He who formed me before I was in my mother's womb), that He lead me to a place in life where I was ready in every way to have children, but could not. And in giving me the gift of infertility, He has given me the most precious gift of closeness to His Son.
The only plan I have ever made for my life was to be a mother. God knows this. He knows just how much I cherish the thought of motherhood, how much I would love my children, and how much I value all life from conception to natural death. So He gave me the opportunity to make the biggest and best sacrifice of my life, and to offer that sacrifice for Jesus. What a perfectly awesome idea! How great is God's love for me? I am so blessed to be able to return it in such a concrete and tangible way.
Of course, God also knew this would not be easy. That's kind of the point. How can you offer up suffering to Jesus if it's a cake-walk? Even Jesus himself pleaded with His Father from the garden the night before His crucifixion. And, since I am not Jesus (no where near), I know that I will continue to pray fervently and feverishly that this cup pass me by. But the more I suffer, the more I have to give.
Never have I felt more loved by God than I have in the past few days, when I finally wrapped my mind around this concept. I still do pray that each failed month of TTC be offered for a new life that would have been aborted or miscarried. It makes me feel good to think that my suffering is not only doing good for Jesus in heaven, but also good on earth.
Thank you, God. Thank you for this chance to show you just how much I love you. Thank you for showing me just how much you love me. Please hold my hand through this journey when times get tough, as I will surely need it.
God has chosen me, just as Simon of Cyrene was chosen, to help His Son carry His cross. We Catholics all understand the idea of redemptive suffering, and "offering it up" (man I used to hate those words as a kid, when all I wanted to do was whine and get my way). Well, God decided that I should be called to offer myself in this way; that I should be chosen to make the burden of Jesus' cross lighter, through my suffering. And He trusted me SO MUCH, that he chose the one and only way in which I would ever truly suffer: infertility.
My lot in life could have been to be without a home, or possessions. But God knows me. He knows that material things are not what is important to me. His plan for me could have been to be physically handicapped, to never marry, or to lose close family members. But He knows that in all of these things, I would have found an alternate calling for my life, prayed for guidance, and carried on in my new vocation. God knows me so well, (He who formed me before I was in my mother's womb), that He lead me to a place in life where I was ready in every way to have children, but could not. And in giving me the gift of infertility, He has given me the most precious gift of closeness to His Son.
The only plan I have ever made for my life was to be a mother. God knows this. He knows just how much I cherish the thought of motherhood, how much I would love my children, and how much I value all life from conception to natural death. So He gave me the opportunity to make the biggest and best sacrifice of my life, and to offer that sacrifice for Jesus. What a perfectly awesome idea! How great is God's love for me? I am so blessed to be able to return it in such a concrete and tangible way.
Of course, God also knew this would not be easy. That's kind of the point. How can you offer up suffering to Jesus if it's a cake-walk? Even Jesus himself pleaded with His Father from the garden the night before His crucifixion. And, since I am not Jesus (no where near), I know that I will continue to pray fervently and feverishly that this cup pass me by. But the more I suffer, the more I have to give.
Never have I felt more loved by God than I have in the past few days, when I finally wrapped my mind around this concept. I still do pray that each failed month of TTC be offered for a new life that would have been aborted or miscarried. It makes me feel good to think that my suffering is not only doing good for Jesus in heaven, but also good on earth.
Thank you, God. Thank you for this chance to show you just how much I love you. Thank you for showing me just how much you love me. Please hold my hand through this journey when times get tough, as I will surely need it.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Piggy-Backing
So my mind is just full of all kinds of thoughts after reading All You Who Hope's latest blog. I have especially been brooding over her #2 Myth Buster, because it seems that at least once every month, some newly pregnant woman who went through infertility is shouting from the rooftops, "Never give up!" because they have found the magic code to getting pregnant. Well, it's wonderful that they are pregnant. Truly. But their pregnancy has NO CONNECTION whatsoever to my life, my infertility, or my future pregnancy.
It's funny how pregnancy seemingly makes you forget how hard it is for an infertile to face the fact that there is a real chance we may never bear children of our own. And we HAVE to face that fact. It is a part of our journey. Just as pregnancy is a part of theirs. I still remember the post I made announcing my "pregnancy" on the TTC message boards back in January '08 (it was a false + triggered by hCG post-Peak injections). In my post, I made it a point to say, "I'm not going to say Don't Give Up, because I remember how upsetting that was to hear. But I will say that once you reach your dream, all of the heartache, trials, tribulations, they all seem to disappear and become SO WORTH IT." Maybe I was able to write those words because I wasn't pregnant, come to think of it.
All You's post was truly helpful for me. Because whenever I hear a new preggo say, "I went to Eucharistic Adoration and voila!" or "I prayed this Novena, and 2 weeks later, a bfp!" or even something less specific like, "I trusted in God's plan," or "I finally gave it all over to Him," it makes me so sick to my stomach. I feel guilty, for obviously not praying enough, trusting enough, letting go enough. I get mad, yes, even at God, for answering other people's prayers and not mine. I get annoyed at the pregnant person, who is really just on cloud nine and not able to bring themselves back down to the darkness of infertility. Not that I can blame them, because if I ever get out I'm certainly not going to take up a summer home here. But basically, I am just filled with these ugly emotions after hearing words that are intended to be inspiring.
All You Who Hope may not realize it, but her words gave me more hope than ALL of the advice from pregnant infertiles combined. Our journey has an unknown destination. Some of us may get pregnant. Some of us may not. But the POINT in trusting God's plan is not so that we can get what we want in the end. The point is so that no matter what happens, we have faith that we are right where we are supposed to be in life, and that God will not abandon us when times are rough. How much more glory can we give to God than to proclaim His good word when we are down and out? That is truly trusting in His plan, without ulterior motive. And hearing All You Who Hope's advice to trust in the Lord, when she is NOT pregnant, when she does NOT know where this journey will lead her... has made all the difference in my life.
Thank you, K :)
It's funny how pregnancy seemingly makes you forget how hard it is for an infertile to face the fact that there is a real chance we may never bear children of our own. And we HAVE to face that fact. It is a part of our journey. Just as pregnancy is a part of theirs. I still remember the post I made announcing my "pregnancy" on the TTC message boards back in January '08 (it was a false + triggered by hCG post-Peak injections). In my post, I made it a point to say, "I'm not going to say Don't Give Up, because I remember how upsetting that was to hear. But I will say that once you reach your dream, all of the heartache, trials, tribulations, they all seem to disappear and become SO WORTH IT." Maybe I was able to write those words because I wasn't pregnant, come to think of it.
All You's post was truly helpful for me. Because whenever I hear a new preggo say, "I went to Eucharistic Adoration and voila!" or "I prayed this Novena, and 2 weeks later, a bfp!" or even something less specific like, "I trusted in God's plan," or "I finally gave it all over to Him," it makes me so sick to my stomach. I feel guilty, for obviously not praying enough, trusting enough, letting go enough. I get mad, yes, even at God, for answering other people's prayers and not mine. I get annoyed at the pregnant person, who is really just on cloud nine and not able to bring themselves back down to the darkness of infertility. Not that I can blame them, because if I ever get out I'm certainly not going to take up a summer home here. But basically, I am just filled with these ugly emotions after hearing words that are intended to be inspiring.
All You Who Hope may not realize it, but her words gave me more hope than ALL of the advice from pregnant infertiles combined. Our journey has an unknown destination. Some of us may get pregnant. Some of us may not. But the POINT in trusting God's plan is not so that we can get what we want in the end. The point is so that no matter what happens, we have faith that we are right where we are supposed to be in life, and that God will not abandon us when times are rough. How much more glory can we give to God than to proclaim His good word when we are down and out? That is truly trusting in His plan, without ulterior motive. And hearing All You Who Hope's advice to trust in the Lord, when she is NOT pregnant, when she does NOT know where this journey will lead her... has made all the difference in my life.
Thank you, K :)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Kittens
Again I find myself without much to write. It's CD 8. Or 9. Not even sure, I've skipped a couple days of charting (I remember what they were, just VL and OAD... in case you were going to turn me in to the Creighton Model Practitioner Police!)... I am just finding all of this infertility stuff very "blah" lately.
I suddenly realized yesterday that I never included my address or phone number on my letter to Dr. Hilgers! Doh! I can only hope that my patient forms have been included... and if not, that he will contact my Dr. for my contact info. But how stupid am I? "Dr. Hilgers, could you please, please help me? You can?! Oh great! Now you can try to track me down." Like the man isn't busy enough.
Oh. I do know one thing that I have yet to post about. We have 3-week old kittens in our office bathroom! About a month and 1/2 ago, we noticed our stray cat coming around for food, and her tummy was huge. (She had already had a litter of 3 in the spring, my SIL took those kittens in, but we couldn't catch the mother to have her fixed.) But anyway, this time DH was able to catch her before she gave birth, and put her in the garage with some blankets. She delivered the kittens the same day I "would" have conceived last cycle, on the day I ovulated. (I was convinced this was a sign that I had conceived, mind you.) After a week, DH took them all out of the garage and brought them up to the office bathroom, where they are nice and cozy in the hot tub :)
.jpg)
Here's one of the Mama Cat.
So I have had the privilege for the last 3 weeks to watch these little babies growing every day. I feed their Mama on a daily basis, and she trusts me enough to let me watch her feeding them, and playing with them. (The latter is just about the cutest thing I have EVER seen!) Right after my period came this past time, I went up to play with the kittens to make myself feel better. I fed Mama Cat, and as she ate, I picked up one kitten at a time, pet it, held it close. Mama finished eating, jumped into the tub and over to her babies, gave one of them a quick lick, and looked up at me as if to say, "They're MINE, bitch!" (OK, remember, it was CD 1 and I was a little hormonal.) I literally burst into tears right there, and said to her, "Yes. I know they're yours," and walked out of the room thinking, "I can't even call a baby CAT my own. I will never have any babies!!"
Not my proudest moment. But I wanted to share it anyway. I can get a little looney from time to time. That's what infertility does to a gal.
I suddenly realized yesterday that I never included my address or phone number on my letter to Dr. Hilgers! Doh! I can only hope that my patient forms have been included... and if not, that he will contact my Dr. for my contact info. But how stupid am I? "Dr. Hilgers, could you please, please help me? You can?! Oh great! Now you can try to track me down." Like the man isn't busy enough.
Oh. I do know one thing that I have yet to post about. We have 3-week old kittens in our office bathroom! About a month and 1/2 ago, we noticed our stray cat coming around for food, and her tummy was huge. (She had already had a litter of 3 in the spring, my SIL took those kittens in, but we couldn't catch the mother to have her fixed.) But anyway, this time DH was able to catch her before she gave birth, and put her in the garage with some blankets. She delivered the kittens the same day I "would" have conceived last cycle, on the day I ovulated. (I was convinced this was a sign that I had conceived, mind you.) After a week, DH took them all out of the garage and brought them up to the office bathroom, where they are nice and cozy in the hot tub :)
.jpg)
Here's one of the Mama Cat.
So I have had the privilege for the last 3 weeks to watch these little babies growing every day. I feed their Mama on a daily basis, and she trusts me enough to let me watch her feeding them, and playing with them. (The latter is just about the cutest thing I have EVER seen!) Right after my period came this past time, I went up to play with the kittens to make myself feel better. I fed Mama Cat, and as she ate, I picked up one kitten at a time, pet it, held it close. Mama finished eating, jumped into the tub and over to her babies, gave one of them a quick lick, and looked up at me as if to say, "They're MINE, bitch!" (OK, remember, it was CD 1 and I was a little hormonal.) I literally burst into tears right there, and said to her, "Yes. I know they're yours," and walked out of the room thinking, "I can't even call a baby CAT my own. I will never have any babies!!"
Not my proudest moment. But I wanted to share it anyway. I can get a little looney from time to time. That's what infertility does to a gal.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Yikes- 4th Grade!
So today's lesson: 4th Grade is MUCH different than Kindergarten! I am already pretty familiar with the age group (and it's actually one of my favorites) since I have been a camp counselor for all grades up to 8th while in HS. But I never had to do lesson plans for any grade other than Kindergarten.
Today was my 1st CCD class. And I prepared the day's activities, bearing in mind that it's always better to have MORE than TOO FEW. Well, in Kindergarten, every activity and lesson requires at LEAST 20 minutes. There's set-up, directions, activity, review, clean-up/wrap-up. Well, I guess there are all the same parts in 4th grade, except that they all take about 4 minutes. I'm not used to such self-sufficiency!! Good thing I'm quick on my toes, because I basically pulled stuff out of thin air today... but now I know I'll have to be much more prepared for next class.
I did think of "Frustated Musings" as I fumbled through the new grade level today... I know she can inversely relate to what I went through today :)
That's all for now. Nothing fertility-related today. Which is a good thing, I'm trying not to obsess about it anymore. (Let's see how long that lasts.)
Today was my 1st CCD class. And I prepared the day's activities, bearing in mind that it's always better to have MORE than TOO FEW. Well, in Kindergarten, every activity and lesson requires at LEAST 20 minutes. There's set-up, directions, activity, review, clean-up/wrap-up. Well, I guess there are all the same parts in 4th grade, except that they all take about 4 minutes. I'm not used to such self-sufficiency!! Good thing I'm quick on my toes, because I basically pulled stuff out of thin air today... but now I know I'll have to be much more prepared for next class.
I did think of "Frustated Musings" as I fumbled through the new grade level today... I know she can inversely relate to what I went through today :)
That's all for now. Nothing fertility-related today. Which is a good thing, I'm trying not to obsess about it anymore. (Let's see how long that lasts.)
Sunday, September 14, 2008
NaPro Technology Conference in Philly
Yesterday was an awesome day, despite the fact that it was CD 3 and heavy flow. Dr. Hilgers came to Philadelphia to lead a conference on Creighton Model and NaPro Technology, and their benefits for infertility, recurrent miscarriage, post-partum depression, PMS, and other gynecologic health issues. My Dr. was the co-speaker :)
I had my letter all prepared to send to him, but decided I would rather have my Dr. give it to him in person, along with my files, labwork, etc. Hopefully he got a chance to read it on the plane back to Omaha. Please pray that a response comes soon!
Well, aside from the fact that the conference was awesome, and seeing/meeting Dr. Hilgers was the icing on the cake, God also placed someone in my path yesterday. A fellow practitioner out in PA, was holding a year-old baby girl in her arms, as she came over to greet a friend of mine. I overheard her say, "She's my NaPro miracle!" and immediately my ears perked up. She said she had surgery with Dr. Hilgers (first a Lap, and then a laparotomy to remove extensive endometriosis... I thought of you, All You Who Hope!!) and nothing was happening for a long time afterwards. Finally, as they signed the final paperwork and were put on a list for adoption, they conceived, on the 16th cycle post-surgery. "He did say give it up to 18 cycles," she finished, with a smile. I was floored. My next question was, "How were you able to stick with it so long after surgery, before going toward adoption?" She replied, "My husband wasn't quite ready for adoption, even though I was." I know that I was intended to hear this success story, and share it with all of you. Oh, and she also said they had been TTC 5 years before her surgery.
While I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea of holding out another 10-12 cycles, I do know that God will provide for each and every one of us. How fitting that today is also the feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross? And, ironically, tomorrow is also my "due date" if I had truly been pregnant back in January. I need to stop my complaining, accept and embrace my cross, and realize that my child is coming- one way or another, my child IS coming. I know it in my heart. Who am I to demand the details of when and where?
I had my letter all prepared to send to him, but decided I would rather have my Dr. give it to him in person, along with my files, labwork, etc. Hopefully he got a chance to read it on the plane back to Omaha. Please pray that a response comes soon!
Well, aside from the fact that the conference was awesome, and seeing/meeting Dr. Hilgers was the icing on the cake, God also placed someone in my path yesterday. A fellow practitioner out in PA, was holding a year-old baby girl in her arms, as she came over to greet a friend of mine. I overheard her say, "She's my NaPro miracle!" and immediately my ears perked up. She said she had surgery with Dr. Hilgers (first a Lap, and then a laparotomy to remove extensive endometriosis... I thought of you, All You Who Hope!!) and nothing was happening for a long time afterwards. Finally, as they signed the final paperwork and were put on a list for adoption, they conceived, on the 16th cycle post-surgery. "He did say give it up to 18 cycles," she finished, with a smile. I was floored. My next question was, "How were you able to stick with it so long after surgery, before going toward adoption?" She replied, "My husband wasn't quite ready for adoption, even though I was." I know that I was intended to hear this success story, and share it with all of you. Oh, and she also said they had been TTC 5 years before her surgery.
While I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea of holding out another 10-12 cycles, I do know that God will provide for each and every one of us. How fitting that today is also the feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross? And, ironically, tomorrow is also my "due date" if I had truly been pregnant back in January. I need to stop my complaining, accept and embrace my cross, and realize that my child is coming- one way or another, my child IS coming. I know it in my heart. Who am I to demand the details of when and where?
Monday, September 8, 2008
Funny IF Analogy
Here's a funny list that I got from the TTC message boards where I'm a member.
A list of things people would say to you if you were a paraplegic, instead of an infertile:
1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?
8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!
9. But don't you *want* to walk?
10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.
12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?
15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.
28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...
A list of things people would say to you if you were a paraplegic, instead of an infertile:
1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?
8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!
9. But don't you *want* to walk?
10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.
12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?
15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.
28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Fertility... Left-Wing Email... and more Fertility
This is an excerpt from "A Well-Built Faith" by Joe Paprocki. It is not at all about fertility, but you'll see why it's applicable:
"A scientist decided to take the initiative and create human life from scratch. He called out to God and said, "God, we no longer need you. Science has developed to the point where we can create human beings without your initiative." God said, "Oh, is that so? Let's have a human being making contest. But we have to agree to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam and Eve." "Sure," replied the scientist, who then bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt to get started. God interrupted him with a smile and said, "Oh, no, you don't. You go make your own dirt!"
I just love that :)
In other news, I'm REALLY getting fed up with my email carrier. It's not my main one, anymore, but I've had it for years because it supports animal rights, and donates $ to humane societies, shelters, etc. with every email sent. I'm a big animal activist, as is my and DH's family (mostly sisters). We have 2 pitbulls, for example, and I am now one of the first to defend this AWESOME breed. (Speaking of which, did anyone watch the National Geographic special last night about the Michael Vick dogs that were rehabilitated? Amazing.)
Anyway, as the years have passed, my email carrier has become less and less about the "animals" and more about the environment. Fine. I love the environment, I'm all for helping it. Then in the past year or so, it has gone COMPLETELY political, and as you can imagine, also completely ONE-SIDED. I am constantly bombarded upon sign-in with "Sign This Petition" to tell our government to stop such-and-such. Recently, I was asked to sign a petition to tell President Bush that he can't make decisions about the pill, because he can't even take the pill himself. (OK, that makes a lot of sense. I can't take Viagra, but does that mean I shouldn't have a say in the fact that my insurace policy covers this "vanity" drug in full, but won't cover injectable hCG or progesterone that I need for my gynecologic health??)
Well, this week, there are all kinds of articles, polls, etc. about McCain/Palin (mostly Palin)... why is it that people are so ready to buy into ANYTHING the liberal media tells them? I've read so many comments about how "inexperienced" Palin is. Doesn't is seem extremely coincidental that ALL of these people came to this conclusion on their own?? WTH?? I am the first to admit that I don't know much about (nor am I very interested in) politics. But lack of political knowledge doesn't seem to stop a lot of these left-wing commenters from spewing out the few things they have been told, over and over again.
The thing that annoys me is, why do I have to deal with reading all that junk? Sheesh, I try to help animals, and look where it gets me.
(The thing about the pill was even more infuriating, actually. Apparently Bush had put some stipulations on access to the pill, because it can be technically and clinically abortifacient. And of course this brought about uproar from my email community. Because really, who is the President to step in the way of a WOMAN'S right to kill her baby in any way she wants at any time she wants?)
Society truly sickens me sometimes.
Now back to the less controversial, but just as upsetting topic of infertility:
9 dpo today (P+8)... bbs still feel completely fine. No soreness. I don't get it. I always have such high progesterone and estradiol in the post-Peak. Of course, maybe the fact that this is "different" for me is a good sign. But I'd have to be a real schmuck to continue looking for signs and symptoms after 2 years of let-down. I'll just carry on as per normal, enjoying the fact that I can sleep on my stomach at 9dpo :) See, always a silver lining.
"A scientist decided to take the initiative and create human life from scratch. He called out to God and said, "God, we no longer need you. Science has developed to the point where we can create human beings without your initiative." God said, "Oh, is that so? Let's have a human being making contest. But we have to agree to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam and Eve." "Sure," replied the scientist, who then bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt to get started. God interrupted him with a smile and said, "Oh, no, you don't. You go make your own dirt!"
I just love that :)
In other news, I'm REALLY getting fed up with my email carrier. It's not my main one, anymore, but I've had it for years because it supports animal rights, and donates $ to humane societies, shelters, etc. with every email sent. I'm a big animal activist, as is my and DH's family (mostly sisters). We have 2 pitbulls, for example, and I am now one of the first to defend this AWESOME breed. (Speaking of which, did anyone watch the National Geographic special last night about the Michael Vick dogs that were rehabilitated? Amazing.)
Anyway, as the years have passed, my email carrier has become less and less about the "animals" and more about the environment. Fine. I love the environment, I'm all for helping it. Then in the past year or so, it has gone COMPLETELY political, and as you can imagine, also completely ONE-SIDED. I am constantly bombarded upon sign-in with "Sign This Petition" to tell our government to stop such-and-such. Recently, I was asked to sign a petition to tell President Bush that he can't make decisions about the pill, because he can't even take the pill himself. (OK, that makes a lot of sense. I can't take Viagra, but does that mean I shouldn't have a say in the fact that my insurace policy covers this "vanity" drug in full, but won't cover injectable hCG or progesterone that I need for my gynecologic health??)
Well, this week, there are all kinds of articles, polls, etc. about McCain/Palin (mostly Palin)... why is it that people are so ready to buy into ANYTHING the liberal media tells them? I've read so many comments about how "inexperienced" Palin is. Doesn't is seem extremely coincidental that ALL of these people came to this conclusion on their own?? WTH?? I am the first to admit that I don't know much about (nor am I very interested in) politics. But lack of political knowledge doesn't seem to stop a lot of these left-wing commenters from spewing out the few things they have been told, over and over again.
The thing that annoys me is, why do I have to deal with reading all that junk? Sheesh, I try to help animals, and look where it gets me.
(The thing about the pill was even more infuriating, actually. Apparently Bush had put some stipulations on access to the pill, because it can be technically and clinically abortifacient. And of course this brought about uproar from my email community. Because really, who is the President to step in the way of a WOMAN'S right to kill her baby in any way she wants at any time she wants?)
Society truly sickens me sometimes.
Now back to the less controversial, but just as upsetting topic of infertility:
9 dpo today (P+8)... bbs still feel completely fine. No soreness. I don't get it. I always have such high progesterone and estradiol in the post-Peak. Of course, maybe the fact that this is "different" for me is a good sign. But I'd have to be a real schmuck to continue looking for signs and symptoms after 2 years of let-down. I'll just carry on as per normal, enjoying the fact that I can sleep on my stomach at 9dpo :) See, always a silver lining.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Update
I spoke with Sister Renee at the Pope Paul VI Institute yesterday. She advised me to draft a letter to Dr. Hilgers himself, and include copies of my 2 latest charts, and ALL my test results/lab work, etc. In essence, I should ask him for a "second opinion" on my case and see what he would suggest I do at this point- whether there is anything else Dr. Stegman can do for me, or if he thinks it would help us to come to Omaha for some final work-up.
So I wrote the letter, then contacted my Dr to ask for copies of all my files. I also asked her later in an email if she would consider giving the letter to Dr. Hilgers in person after the Convention on the 13th.
Her response, via email, was that she has all the paperwork ready for me, but she did want to speak further with me about all of this, so that I can get the bigger picture. She told me about the "Find, Fix, and Count" motto of Dr. Boyle in Galway, and that right now I was only in the 3rd really "good" cycle since fixing everything. I have 12-18 good cycles to count total. She said she really does think my prognosis for pregnancy is very good, but that I should see it all through before considering adoption.
I knew all of this already. The thing is- I am TERRIFIED of going through all of this for another year to year and 1/2. The thought literally paralyzes me. I have NO light at the end of this tunnel, and in order to keep going, I needed to create one. First, I thought we could start looking into adoption by 2009. Then, with Sister Renee's suggestion, I thought I could see what Dr. Hilgers said. (And who knows, if Dr. Hilgers himself tells me that he thinks I have a good shot at getting pregnant, and just to stick to it for another year, I could see myself being alright with that.)
I know my Dr. is just trying to be supportive, and not let me give up hope. But in a way, that's exactly what I wanted from her. I wanted her to tell me something along the lines of, "Yes, most people are pregnant by their 4th cycle after surgery. You should probably look into adoption come next year." Instead, she is offering me strength when all I feel is weakness. She is holding on to hope for us, as we let it slip away. Am I thankful? I'm not sure yet. I keep going back and forth between feeling positive and feeling negative about it all.
To top it off... I am 7dpo today, and P+6. (This time I know for sure when I O'd, and my Peak Day "could" have been a day later due to seminal fluid that I hadn't elimanated successfully. I have a really tough time doing the seminal fluid instruction on days that I know I have amazing cm... anyone else?) I am getting my b/w tomorrow, which will be P+7, but 8dpo. I do not think my progesterone is very high, because I don't have sore bbs at ALL. I have been getting them starting at 7dpo for a LOOOOONG time now, and every once in a while, I even had them start right after O. But the fact that they're not here yet only leads me to believe my progesterone is not very high (as usual), and if it's not high, then I'm sure I'm out this cycle.
And here's the clincher: the only way I got through the devastating experience of a false + hpt, and thinking I was pregnant for an entire day, back in January, was because I knew in my heart I would be pregnant before my "estimated due date." That date? September 15th. It's almost surreal to think, if that test was right... I could be going into labor any day now. I COULD BE GOING INTO LABOR ANY DAY NOW. And yet, look at my life. I am so FAR from that ideal world, in every possible way. I can't imagine ever being there. I can't imagine ever being pregnant. I can't imagine ever being a mommy. And I'm not just being dramatic, I just really cannot see myself doing those things anymore. It's like, going on an interview for a position in retail (idk, it's the first thing that came to mind). Imagine going on interview after interview, some more promising than others, for two long years. In the meantime, you don't even have another job lined up, because ALL you've ever wanted to do was retail. There comes a time when that dream is ripped away from you, and while you may always wish you were in retail, the reality of it becomes a foreign concept. You just CAN'T imagine ever being in retail after that. And I can't imagine, now, ever being pregnant, or a mommy.
Well that was horribly depressing, wasn't it?
So I wrote the letter, then contacted my Dr to ask for copies of all my files. I also asked her later in an email if she would consider giving the letter to Dr. Hilgers in person after the Convention on the 13th.
Her response, via email, was that she has all the paperwork ready for me, but she did want to speak further with me about all of this, so that I can get the bigger picture. She told me about the "Find, Fix, and Count" motto of Dr. Boyle in Galway, and that right now I was only in the 3rd really "good" cycle since fixing everything. I have 12-18 good cycles to count total. She said she really does think my prognosis for pregnancy is very good, but that I should see it all through before considering adoption.
I knew all of this already. The thing is- I am TERRIFIED of going through all of this for another year to year and 1/2. The thought literally paralyzes me. I have NO light at the end of this tunnel, and in order to keep going, I needed to create one. First, I thought we could start looking into adoption by 2009. Then, with Sister Renee's suggestion, I thought I could see what Dr. Hilgers said. (And who knows, if Dr. Hilgers himself tells me that he thinks I have a good shot at getting pregnant, and just to stick to it for another year, I could see myself being alright with that.)
I know my Dr. is just trying to be supportive, and not let me give up hope. But in a way, that's exactly what I wanted from her. I wanted her to tell me something along the lines of, "Yes, most people are pregnant by their 4th cycle after surgery. You should probably look into adoption come next year." Instead, she is offering me strength when all I feel is weakness. She is holding on to hope for us, as we let it slip away. Am I thankful? I'm not sure yet. I keep going back and forth between feeling positive and feeling negative about it all.
To top it off... I am 7dpo today, and P+6. (This time I know for sure when I O'd, and my Peak Day "could" have been a day later due to seminal fluid that I hadn't elimanated successfully. I have a really tough time doing the seminal fluid instruction on days that I know I have amazing cm... anyone else?) I am getting my b/w tomorrow, which will be P+7, but 8dpo. I do not think my progesterone is very high, because I don't have sore bbs at ALL. I have been getting them starting at 7dpo for a LOOOOONG time now, and every once in a while, I even had them start right after O. But the fact that they're not here yet only leads me to believe my progesterone is not very high (as usual), and if it's not high, then I'm sure I'm out this cycle.
And here's the clincher: the only way I got through the devastating experience of a false + hpt, and thinking I was pregnant for an entire day, back in January, was because I knew in my heart I would be pregnant before my "estimated due date." That date? September 15th. It's almost surreal to think, if that test was right... I could be going into labor any day now. I COULD BE GOING INTO LABOR ANY DAY NOW. And yet, look at my life. I am so FAR from that ideal world, in every possible way. I can't imagine ever being there. I can't imagine ever being pregnant. I can't imagine ever being a mommy. And I'm not just being dramatic, I just really cannot see myself doing those things anymore. It's like, going on an interview for a position in retail (idk, it's the first thing that came to mind). Imagine going on interview after interview, some more promising than others, for two long years. In the meantime, you don't even have another job lined up, because ALL you've ever wanted to do was retail. There comes a time when that dream is ripped away from you, and while you may always wish you were in retail, the reality of it becomes a foreign concept. You just CAN'T imagine ever being in retail after that. And I can't imagine, now, ever being pregnant, or a mommy.
Well that was horribly depressing, wasn't it?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Weird Dreams
This makes 2 nights in a row. I've heard that B6 vitamin can give you vivid dreams, which certainly explains all the times I was in the 2WW and assumed I could be pregnant due to the vivid dreams. Anyway, I'm not saying they mean anything... in fact, I have a pretty good idea that they are coming from the type of television I've been watching lately. (I've watched "Adoption Stories" and commercials for "The Locator" pretty often.)
So, 2 nights ago, I dreamt that I was single again, but that I was a HS teacher or administrator who had slept with one of her ex-students 2 years before. I remember in the dream that all of the students and parents were outraged to find this out, and wanted me to be put in jail (even though the student was 19 and I was 21 at the time). The clincher? I had had a baby with this guy, and I guess in order to keep it hush hush, gave it to him to raise. So, in the dream, I was about to see my baby for the 1st time in 2 years. It was a girl, and she was BEAUTIFUL! The guy was black, so the baby was bi-racial (I think this was lifted right from an Adoption Stories episode)- she had the biggest, roundest eyes, precious curly hair done up in bows... she was just to die for. I remember that in the dream, I was just supposed to be visiting my baby. She kept calling the guy's new GF "Mommy" and it was literally breaking my heart. I woke up with a frog in my throat, from "dream-crying" as I call it. (I know, this is completely insane, but there's a theme about to emerge, give it a minute.)
Then last night, I dreamt that I adopted a newborn baby girl. Somehow, someway, the Drs had found a way for me to breastfeed the newborn, even though I had never given birth or been pg before. So in the dream, I was contently holding this darling little baby girl, trying to breastfeed, but she wouldn't "take." I was getting really nervous that she wasn't eating, and couldn't eat... so I brought her to the hospital, where they took her from me to go run tests. (My sister was with me at this point.) Well, hours went by, and finally my sister decided to go find these Drs and where they took my baby. Even MORE hours went by! Just as I went to look for everyone, out came my sister with a nurse. The nurse gave me the news that I would have to "return" the baby, because it had some congenital heart disease, and was dying. I broke down, but kept saying, "No, I'm not giving her back, it's my baby!" The nurse said that the Drs that allowed the adoption wrote up her papers without mentioning the heart disease and that she only had a couple days to live... so because this was illegal, I had to return the baby. Again, dream-crying woke me up with a huge lump in my throat.
So, aside from the fact that I'm obviously sick in the head to have dreams like this, I see a recurrent theme centered around a) adoption, and b) baby girl. Last year, both me and my mother had dreams that I had a baby girl. (Truth be told, I really always wanted a baby boy as my first born, since we haven't had a baby boy in my family... ever. I'm the youngest of 4 girls, and my only sister that has a child has a girl.) But obviously after years of IF, I am not picky! I just wonder what all these dreams are signifying? Am I supposed to be giving up and going the adoption route? Am I supposed to keep trying, and God's telling me I'll have a baby girl? Are they just stupid dreams that have no meaning whatsoever?
So, 2 nights ago, I dreamt that I was single again, but that I was a HS teacher or administrator who had slept with one of her ex-students 2 years before. I remember in the dream that all of the students and parents were outraged to find this out, and wanted me to be put in jail (even though the student was 19 and I was 21 at the time). The clincher? I had had a baby with this guy, and I guess in order to keep it hush hush, gave it to him to raise. So, in the dream, I was about to see my baby for the 1st time in 2 years. It was a girl, and she was BEAUTIFUL! The guy was black, so the baby was bi-racial (I think this was lifted right from an Adoption Stories episode)- she had the biggest, roundest eyes, precious curly hair done up in bows... she was just to die for. I remember that in the dream, I was just supposed to be visiting my baby. She kept calling the guy's new GF "Mommy" and it was literally breaking my heart. I woke up with a frog in my throat, from "dream-crying" as I call it. (I know, this is completely insane, but there's a theme about to emerge, give it a minute.)
Then last night, I dreamt that I adopted a newborn baby girl. Somehow, someway, the Drs had found a way for me to breastfeed the newborn, even though I had never given birth or been pg before. So in the dream, I was contently holding this darling little baby girl, trying to breastfeed, but she wouldn't "take." I was getting really nervous that she wasn't eating, and couldn't eat... so I brought her to the hospital, where they took her from me to go run tests. (My sister was with me at this point.) Well, hours went by, and finally my sister decided to go find these Drs and where they took my baby. Even MORE hours went by! Just as I went to look for everyone, out came my sister with a nurse. The nurse gave me the news that I would have to "return" the baby, because it had some congenital heart disease, and was dying. I broke down, but kept saying, "No, I'm not giving her back, it's my baby!" The nurse said that the Drs that allowed the adoption wrote up her papers without mentioning the heart disease and that she only had a couple days to live... so because this was illegal, I had to return the baby. Again, dream-crying woke me up with a huge lump in my throat.
So, aside from the fact that I'm obviously sick in the head to have dreams like this, I see a recurrent theme centered around a) adoption, and b) baby girl. Last year, both me and my mother had dreams that I had a baby girl. (Truth be told, I really always wanted a baby boy as my first born, since we haven't had a baby boy in my family... ever. I'm the youngest of 4 girls, and my only sister that has a child has a girl.) But obviously after years of IF, I am not picky! I just wonder what all these dreams are signifying? Am I supposed to be giving up and going the adoption route? Am I supposed to keep trying, and God's telling me I'll have a baby girl? Are they just stupid dreams that have no meaning whatsoever?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)