First, thank you to everyone for the comments on my "breakdown" post. It helps to know that even people I don't know are praying for me... and honestly, I know the prayers themselves helped, too- I felt immensely better the following day. Sure, I had a good u/s and was Ovulating the next day, but it was more than that. I felt peace from all of those prayers. So, thank you!
My u/s yesterday was so cool! Not only did we see the corpus luteum (and she showed me those fuzzy edges and white line that tells you it's a C.L. and not a follicle), but my cervix was SO different than it had been the day before! It was completely closed, with no fluid around it at all. It's really amazing how the body works, isn't it? I mean, there is such a SMALL window of opportunity to actually get pregnant... and yet, our population is booming! Everything in our bodies really has a purpose, and all of those purposes tie in together so beautifully.
DH and I watched Christopher West on EWTN the other night. It was really a fascinating talk he gave- about human sexuality (mostly he commented on different sections of "Theology of the Body"). My favorite part was when he explained why it is that God/Christ is always referred to as the bridegroom and we (humanity) are always referred to as the bride. He said that in the woman (bride), we have the perfect example of why this is. In a relationship with her groom, the bride is the one who is receptive to the gifts that the groom gives her (also physically, her body is created to do just this). And like women, we as humans (men and women alike) should mirror that example in our relationship with God. We should be receptive to God, his gifts, and His will for us, and bear fruit from it- just as a bride does with her groom. Hence, we are God's bride.
As if reading my mind, Christopher West then went on to say, "This does not mean reproduction only. It means we should be bearing the fruit of love in all of our actions."
What's also really cool is that DH and I picked a reading from Song of Songs for our 1st reading at our wedding. It is not a common reading for weddings, because it is often misunderstood and "embarrassing" to those who don't understand it. It is a love song, or poem, between God (the Lover) and his people (the beloved). And in it, we have an example, right in the Bible, of what the union between man and wife should be based upon.
OK, back to gynecological news. I had a pap smear last week that revealed a yeast infection. My Dr. said she's surprised I didn't have any symptoms, because it has probably been brewing for a while, since they don't usually show up on the paps. So I had to buy some Monistat today (she wanted me to wait until post-Peak), and when AF comes, I can start the strong antibiotic she Rx'd. I know it's completely insane to think this way, but I'm slightly nervous about the Monistat, if I am pregnant. Here, my fertility Dr is TELLING me to use Monistat, and I'm still hesitant that it could be bad for a living thing traveling down my fallopian tubes and no where near my vagina! I got the 3-day treatment option so that I can finish before implantation at least!
Other news? DH's acupuncture treatments are treating a whole slew of things, including weight loss. He has TONS of stress, and the stress causes him to have sleep apnea and insomnia... which leads him to get up at night and snack. And not healthy snacks, but the really, really sugary ones. So, he is now doing a cleansing diet, and it includes chicken soup for dinner. I am making the most AMAZING-smelling chicken soup right now, it's unreal!! I put fresh herbs from our garden in it (parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme... and marjoram that I had dried)... did anyone else just start humming Scarborough Fair? If so, then you rock for liking good music.
All You, are we cycle buddies again? Do you think you O'd this cycle? What's new with your pelvic organs? :P
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
"BEAUTIFUL"
BEAUTIFUL is the word my Dr typed on the ultrasound screen under the still-frame of my cervix. Why? Well, aside from the obvious (I have a breathtaking cervix, of course), there was a big ol' curvy dark line of cervical fluid ALLLLL the way through the opening. She literally stopped and said, "Oh, wow, do you see that?! And it's all the way throughout, not just in one spot, like I sometimes see in patients." So, yeah. My CM kicks your CM's butt. This cycle, anyway.
My follie (it's just one, but I'll take it as long as it does it's job) is up to 2.2 or 2.4cm. I forget exactly. This was at 9:30am this morning. Dr J said I was very close, and would ovulate within the next 24 hrs. I'm going tomorrow to make sure it ruptured and all that. She saw what "could" have been a cumulous oophorus today, but couldn't be sure since I have other follies adjacent to the mature one (which is common in PCOS). So, the other follies were up in my Mature Follie's Grill, all up in her biz-natch and whatnot. But she's forgiving. S'all good.
Then, miraculously enough, I winded up having an acupunture appt for this afternoon! DH had his first treatment today, as well, and the acupuncturist kept telling me how today was such a "perfect" day for us both to have treatment, yada yada. So I can't help but feel slightly better today. But with all of this going right, it's only going to make another failure so much harder to handle. At least last cycle I could say, "Curse you, gummy mucus!" Now? No excuses.
Sister Renee from Pope Paul VI did call me back this morning, but I was at the u/s! And now we're playing phone tag. But I'm already impressed with how quickly she got back to me. She sounds so sweet.
OK, me and my beautiful cervix are off to have dinner now.
My follie (it's just one, but I'll take it as long as it does it's job) is up to 2.2 or 2.4cm. I forget exactly. This was at 9:30am this morning. Dr J said I was very close, and would ovulate within the next 24 hrs. I'm going tomorrow to make sure it ruptured and all that. She saw what "could" have been a cumulous oophorus today, but couldn't be sure since I have other follies adjacent to the mature one (which is common in PCOS). So, the other follies were up in my Mature Follie's Grill, all up in her biz-natch and whatnot. But she's forgiving. S'all good.
Then, miraculously enough, I winded up having an acupunture appt for this afternoon! DH had his first treatment today, as well, and the acupuncturist kept telling me how today was such a "perfect" day for us both to have treatment, yada yada. So I can't help but feel slightly better today. But with all of this going right, it's only going to make another failure so much harder to handle. At least last cycle I could say, "Curse you, gummy mucus!" Now? No excuses.
Sister Renee from Pope Paul VI did call me back this morning, but I was at the u/s! And now we're playing phone tag. But I'm already impressed with how quickly she got back to me. She sounds so sweet.
OK, me and my beautiful cervix are off to have dinner now.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Breakdown
I just had a breakdown. Well, I guess I'm still in the middle of it, but I'm just not sobbing at the moment. I've been avoiding my mother's phone calls the past couple of days, but spoke to her briefly yesterday. Today she left me a message saying she's been worried about me all day since she sensed in my voice that something was wrong. Well, I just lost it. Called her back, and we spoke for an hour about all of the turmoil that has become my life as of late. One thing I haven't talked about much in this blog (since it's a blog about IF) is our finances. We are in a VERY bad place financially right now. DH is in a business with his father, so we have no actual income except for the profit that comes when jobs are signed. For the past few months, no jobs have been signed. Our savings has crumbled to the ground. And the scariest part is that summer is supposed to be their good season.
I told my mom that I can handle (maybe not successfully, but at least somewhat) one major life trauma at a time. But it seems like EVERYTHING has been going to the pooper lately. I am in a very bad place mentally, too, ever since reaching that 2 year mark. I have felt like I'm suffocating, and without knowing there's an end in sight, I feel like I'll never make it. Which is why I recently forced my husband to agree to look into adoption come 2009. But now? Things are even worse on the whole family/adoption front, because if we have to do a homestudy, no one in their right mind would approve a couple that has no money in savings or checking accounts, and no dependable income. Five months post-surgery, I have face the reality that maybe I will never have biological children. And with our financial situation, we may not be able to adopt now... or ever. So where does that leave me? In the middle of a breakdown.
My mom suggested I talk to someone who can TRULY understand what I'm feeling, and also offer sound professional advice. My last therapist (albeit short-lived) was not Catholic, and along with her snide remarks about 14 months "not being a very long time" to TTC, probably also wondered why we didn't just try artificial insemination or IVF. And priests, etc., as loving and caring as they are, don't have the medical know-how to truly give me the guidance I need right now. I suddenly remembered Sister Renee at the Pope Paul VI Institute. I seemed to remember reading and/or hearing that she counsels IF couples. I just called and left her a message, and hopefully we can speak over the phone this week. I'll let you know how it goes.
I told my mom that I can handle (maybe not successfully, but at least somewhat) one major life trauma at a time. But it seems like EVERYTHING has been going to the pooper lately. I am in a very bad place mentally, too, ever since reaching that 2 year mark. I have felt like I'm suffocating, and without knowing there's an end in sight, I feel like I'll never make it. Which is why I recently forced my husband to agree to look into adoption come 2009. But now? Things are even worse on the whole family/adoption front, because if we have to do a homestudy, no one in their right mind would approve a couple that has no money in savings or checking accounts, and no dependable income. Five months post-surgery, I have face the reality that maybe I will never have biological children. And with our financial situation, we may not be able to adopt now... or ever. So where does that leave me? In the middle of a breakdown.
My mom suggested I talk to someone who can TRULY understand what I'm feeling, and also offer sound professional advice. My last therapist (albeit short-lived) was not Catholic, and along with her snide remarks about 14 months "not being a very long time" to TTC, probably also wondered why we didn't just try artificial insemination or IVF. And priests, etc., as loving and caring as they are, don't have the medical know-how to truly give me the guidance I need right now. I suddenly remembered Sister Renee at the Pope Paul VI Institute. I seemed to remember reading and/or hearing that she counsels IF couples. I just called and left her a message, and hopefully we can speak over the phone this week. I'll let you know how it goes.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Ultrasound
So I'm having a somewhat "mini" ultrasound series this cycle. I had a baseline on CD 6, with no residual cysts (yippee!), and one today at CD 12, then another on Thursday, CD 14. I was pleasantly surprised to see that already my largest follicle is 1.89cm today! And cervix was open, so I'll be real busy later, if you know what I mean. And if you don't, I mean I'll be having lots and lots of sex.
I asked my Dr (who did the u/s herself, on her day off to boot... did I mention how much I love her??) if she could detect any possible ovulatory defects, which may be contributing to my IF... for example, could she see a cumulus oophorus, or was it an empty follicle. She started laughing and said, "Ah, you know what they say about the educated consumer. So many questions!" But she did say it could be a little early to see a cumulous oopherus still, and that sometimes she just can't see one, but it doesn't mean it's not there. Today, she didn't see one, so I guess it can go either way :( Ugh, how much would that suck if after all we've been through, the surgery, the meds, the b/w, etc... I'm just shooting blanks??
But my lining looks good, and my mucus has been good the last few days (10KL, sometimes gummy but mostly not, which is much better than last cycle). I have an acupunture appt for myself AND DH on Thursday, which will be perfect timing in my cycle for me. And hopefully we'll get lots of things improved for DH, too- he has terrible sleep apnea, has had some weight issues lately, and fertility-wise, low morphology. Much of this has to do with stress, I know, so I'm hoping acupunture will help him as it's helped me in that department. I'll let you know how it goes.
So my calendar is all booked for Thursday. It looks something like this:
Sex
Sex
Ultrasound
Sex
Sex
Acupunture
Sex
Ovulate
Sex
Sex
I'm not so much looking forward to another 2WW... BUT, at the end of this one, I will have something almost as amazing as a BFP to look forward to- Dr. Thomas Hilgers himself (along with my Dr) will be leading a NaPro Technology Convention in Philadelphia!! I will finally get to meet Dr. Hilgers!! I'm soooooo excited!! (I'm seriously almost as excited as I was to see the Pope on our honeymoon at the General Audience!) If any of you are thinking of coming to the PA area that weekend, let me know and I'll give you info on the convention. It is on Sat, Sept. 13th.
I asked my Dr (who did the u/s herself, on her day off to boot... did I mention how much I love her??) if she could detect any possible ovulatory defects, which may be contributing to my IF... for example, could she see a cumulus oophorus, or was it an empty follicle. She started laughing and said, "Ah, you know what they say about the educated consumer. So many questions!" But she did say it could be a little early to see a cumulous oopherus still, and that sometimes she just can't see one, but it doesn't mean it's not there. Today, she didn't see one, so I guess it can go either way :( Ugh, how much would that suck if after all we've been through, the surgery, the meds, the b/w, etc... I'm just shooting blanks??
But my lining looks good, and my mucus has been good the last few days (10KL, sometimes gummy but mostly not, which is much better than last cycle). I have an acupunture appt for myself AND DH on Thursday, which will be perfect timing in my cycle for me. And hopefully we'll get lots of things improved for DH, too- he has terrible sleep apnea, has had some weight issues lately, and fertility-wise, low morphology. Much of this has to do with stress, I know, so I'm hoping acupunture will help him as it's helped me in that department. I'll let you know how it goes.
So my calendar is all booked for Thursday. It looks something like this:
Sex
Sex
Ultrasound
Sex
Sex
Acupunture
Sex
Ovulate
Sex
Sex
I'm not so much looking forward to another 2WW... BUT, at the end of this one, I will have something almost as amazing as a BFP to look forward to- Dr. Thomas Hilgers himself (along with my Dr) will be leading a NaPro Technology Convention in Philadelphia!! I will finally get to meet Dr. Hilgers!! I'm soooooo excited!! (I'm seriously almost as excited as I was to see the Pope on our honeymoon at the General Audience!) If any of you are thinking of coming to the PA area that weekend, let me know and I'll give you info on the convention. It is on Sat, Sept. 13th.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
The Ounce of Hope
Somehow, someway, in the midst of just wanting to give up and move on with my life, as I watch more and more friends get pregnant, God has instilled in me an ounce of undying hope. And I know exactly how and when it got there.
My false positive hpt (triggered by a level of only 10 hCG, residual from post-Peak injections) on January 9th, 2008 was a day I'll never forget, for as long as I live. Forever in my mind and in my heart and in my soul, that day WILL REMAIN the day I first found out I was pregnant. On January 10th at 1:00pm, I received the fateful voicemail from my Dr, telling me that the level was only 10, and progesterone was 6.4- that I was not pregnant. I've often said that if I had ever had a miscarriage, it would be the worst experience of my life... BUT, I would feel fueled to continue on this journey, confident that I could achieve pregnancy a 2nd time. But on that cold, barren day in January, not only was I stripped of a life inside of me (a life that I truly felt), but I was also stripped of any hope of conceiving in the future.
However, what was NOT taken from me was the memory of January 9th. A feeling of complete and utter bliss like I have never felt before or since. A spiritual place so elevated, so pure, so clothed in God's love for me and my husband - how is it that I should come to be so blessed? I was more grateful in those 24 hrs than I had been in the previous 26 1/2 years. That place- that perfect, serene, and essential place, is where I long to be once more. It is the hope of attaining that peace again that keeps me hanging on in this journey, even on days and weeks like this one, when I desperately want to throw in the towel.
I now recognize that experience in January as a gift from God. He knew that I would need something to keep me going, some light at the end of the tunnel, one ounce of hope in the endless abyss of failure. But I wonder... how much longer can an ounce of hope sustain me?
My false positive hpt (triggered by a level of only 10 hCG, residual from post-Peak injections) on January 9th, 2008 was a day I'll never forget, for as long as I live. Forever in my mind and in my heart and in my soul, that day WILL REMAIN the day I first found out I was pregnant. On January 10th at 1:00pm, I received the fateful voicemail from my Dr, telling me that the level was only 10, and progesterone was 6.4- that I was not pregnant. I've often said that if I had ever had a miscarriage, it would be the worst experience of my life... BUT, I would feel fueled to continue on this journey, confident that I could achieve pregnancy a 2nd time. But on that cold, barren day in January, not only was I stripped of a life inside of me (a life that I truly felt), but I was also stripped of any hope of conceiving in the future.
However, what was NOT taken from me was the memory of January 9th. A feeling of complete and utter bliss like I have never felt before or since. A spiritual place so elevated, so pure, so clothed in God's love for me and my husband - how is it that I should come to be so blessed? I was more grateful in those 24 hrs than I had been in the previous 26 1/2 years. That place- that perfect, serene, and essential place, is where I long to be once more. It is the hope of attaining that peace again that keeps me hanging on in this journey, even on days and weeks like this one, when I desperately want to throw in the towel.
I now recognize that experience in January as a gift from God. He knew that I would need something to keep me going, some light at the end of the tunnel, one ounce of hope in the endless abyss of failure. But I wonder... how much longer can an ounce of hope sustain me?
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Saint Sarah- August 19th
Wow. Should I be concerned that I chose the Feast Day for St. Sarah as my Wedding Day? Thanks to The Apostolate of Hannah's Tears blog, I just discovered that my anniversary is St. Sarah's Feast Day... as in, Abraham's Sarah... as in, the first infertile woman spoken of in the Bible Sarah... as in, didn't bear a child until she was 90 years old Sarah. Apparently she laughed when God told her she would conceive in her old age... and then she named her son Isaac after the word for "laughter." Well, if I was meant to follow in her footsteps, I may have to name my son after the word for "Are you effing shitting me???"
Funk
My parents say they never swore (at least, not in English, my Mom was all about the southern-Italian dialect swears) when I was little. But for some reason, I fell off the couch at age 2 and proclaimed, "Oh, my funking head!" Don't know where I could have picked that up from.
But that's not what this post is about. It's about the funk I've been in lately. For a while there, I actually thought I had some key insights into my infertility, the reason for my suffering, the ways to suffer properly... I actually had some kind of peace with it all. But for the past few days, I can't seem to shake this feeling of desperation. What's worse is that my marriage is suffering because of it. We've had some real nasty fights lately, all stemming from the fact that I have this unhealthy NEED to be productive. So, on days when I have no clients for follow-up, I HAVE to keep busy somehow, and "produce" something. (I've only recently figured this all out, after DH pointed it out to me.) Most recently, it has been setting up the new office and guest room upstairs. We live in an attachment apartment on my IL's house, and upstairs there is a studio apt (that my newly-divorced SIL just moved out of with her new bf), and a 1-br apt which is now the office space for my DH's business and mine. Well, in order to get the guest room up and running, I needed his help to carry the furniture upstairs... and when he was too busy to help me IMMEDIATELY, I lashed out at him. And basically, that's how every day is, just substitute the "project of the day" for the guest room set-up.
It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when he told me what I was doing. That I was ripping him apart any time he stood in the way of my completing something. I think that in my lack of professional therapy, I've become obsessed with producing things since I can't produce babies. Does that make sense? It's like I have to feel like my life has some worth, and I have to prove that worth by showing the world that I can produce these things.
Now, I was always the girl who did everything. Every club, sport, class, etc. But before infertility, my motives were pure. I did those things, and strove so high, because a) I liked doing them, and b) I always saw some greater purpose to it all (shaping me into a better person, etc.) But now? My projects and activities are all designed SOLELY to keep me occupied... I guess so that I don't have to sit around dwelling (literally) in my empty house. Instead, I can just avoid, for as long as humanly possible, thinking about how I may never have children. And if there are any "hiccups" in this plan of mine (DH), God help them, because my wrath is mighty.
All I can do now is just pray for better days. I know this has all been harder since passing the 2-Year mark (and knowing it was approaching). But if I'm in for another 2 years of this, I just can't keep living this way. I can't keep doing this to my poor DH. If you have a prayer to spare, please pray that the Holy Spirit send me some peace. Thanks.
But that's not what this post is about. It's about the funk I've been in lately. For a while there, I actually thought I had some key insights into my infertility, the reason for my suffering, the ways to suffer properly... I actually had some kind of peace with it all. But for the past few days, I can't seem to shake this feeling of desperation. What's worse is that my marriage is suffering because of it. We've had some real nasty fights lately, all stemming from the fact that I have this unhealthy NEED to be productive. So, on days when I have no clients for follow-up, I HAVE to keep busy somehow, and "produce" something. (I've only recently figured this all out, after DH pointed it out to me.) Most recently, it has been setting up the new office and guest room upstairs. We live in an attachment apartment on my IL's house, and upstairs there is a studio apt (that my newly-divorced SIL just moved out of with her new bf), and a 1-br apt which is now the office space for my DH's business and mine. Well, in order to get the guest room up and running, I needed his help to carry the furniture upstairs... and when he was too busy to help me IMMEDIATELY, I lashed out at him. And basically, that's how every day is, just substitute the "project of the day" for the guest room set-up.
It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when he told me what I was doing. That I was ripping him apart any time he stood in the way of my completing something. I think that in my lack of professional therapy, I've become obsessed with producing things since I can't produce babies. Does that make sense? It's like I have to feel like my life has some worth, and I have to prove that worth by showing the world that I can produce these things.
Now, I was always the girl who did everything. Every club, sport, class, etc. But before infertility, my motives were pure. I did those things, and strove so high, because a) I liked doing them, and b) I always saw some greater purpose to it all (shaping me into a better person, etc.) But now? My projects and activities are all designed SOLELY to keep me occupied... I guess so that I don't have to sit around dwelling (literally) in my empty house. Instead, I can just avoid, for as long as humanly possible, thinking about how I may never have children. And if there are any "hiccups" in this plan of mine (DH), God help them, because my wrath is mighty.
All I can do now is just pray for better days. I know this has all been harder since passing the 2-Year mark (and knowing it was approaching). But if I'm in for another 2 years of this, I just can't keep living this way. I can't keep doing this to my poor DH. If you have a prayer to spare, please pray that the Holy Spirit send me some peace. Thanks.
Monday, August 18, 2008
25 Random Facts
Thanks, All You Who Hope, I haven't had anything to write about in a while, so this will keep me busy :) Here are 25 Random Facts about me:
1. I am online right now shopping at The Company Store, looking for soft down pillows, a featherbed, and comforter covers and shams, for my Anniversary present to DH (which will be late, seeing as it's technically today!) I'm very excited about this, because I've never shopped at The Company Store, but my ex-bff in college turned me on to it, and her bed was THE MOST COMFORTABLE damn thing I've ever slept in.
2. I had braces for a year at age 13, for one snaggle tooth on top... stopped wearing my retainer for some reason, and now I have it again :( So I'm looking into Invisalign since apparently I have lots of time now, what with not popping out any babies.
3. I have 3 sisters. I have 2 sister-in-laws. My 2 SILs have the same first and middle names as 2 of my sisters. And they are 1 year apart from the sisters they share names with. And I have 3 ex-BILs.
4. What I considered my "dream job" out of college was a Kindergarten Catholic School teacher. And I got it! (Then quit it to start a family. Sheesh.)
5. I was the Musical Director of my college women's a cappella group. I arranged 10 songs which were recorded (and many others that were not). My pride and joy was a Cranberries Medley, which I worked on all 3 1/2 years of college and finally taught to the group senior year.
6. Speaking of 3 1/2 years, I entered my college as a "Feb" (a special class of students entering in February- there are about 100 of us each year at my alma mater), and graduated early. So I was only in college 3 1/2 years.
7. I write with my left hand. I play sports with my right. And I taught myself to write on the chalkboard with my right hand, because it doesn't erase that way. So I'm kind of a weird ambi-dextrist.
8. My engagement ring is my DH's grandmother's, from the 1930's. It is absolutely stunning, and just the kind of style I love. (I had to include this, All You... we have so much in common!!)
9. My MIL and I have the same middle name, last name, and first initial. And we live in an apartment attached to their house. She frequently opens my mail by mistake (or so she says, lol!)
10. I went to my oldest sister's graduation (from HS) when I was in 1st grade... decided after seeing the Valedictorian's speech that I wanted to be Valedictorian one day, ... and was :)
11. I went sky-diving (tandem) my freshman semester of college.
12. My DH and I met when he sat next to me on a plane ride from NYC to Venice, Italy. Before officially meeting, he was also behind me at baggage check, where we saw each other and noticed we had the same luggage. Definitely fate.
13. When I was little, I would disappear under the dinner table, then re-appear and perform a sexy dance number a la "Johnny Dangerously" (which I was surprisingly allowed to see at such an early age). I was seriously demented.
14. My Birthday is Christmas in July (July 25), which is how I make people remember it.
15. I had a higher alcohol tolerance in HS than I do now. I come from a small town, small public school, where there wasn't much else to do but drink in an assortment of outdoor venues.
16. I have to sleep with covers on... no matter how hot or humid it is.
17. I used to collect Absolut ads- I have a book full of them.
18. My parents are apparently so fertile that I was conceived with the use of a diaphragm and spermicide. And now I'm infertile. You tell me how this is fair.
19. I will vote based on one, and only one platform alone- abortion. If a candidate is Pro-Life, and willing to actually do something about abortion, I'll vote for him/her. To me, this is the most basic of human rights, and the issue needs more immediate attention than the economy, the environment, or other civil right issues combined.
20. I hate exercising! You couldn't drag me to the gym while I was in college (we had the most gorgeous gym, with an amazing view of the Green Mountains), but to me, exercising is much too solitary. I took a kickboxing class, which was a little more interactive and competitive in nature... and I like yoga... but that's about it.
21. Did I mention today's my 2-Year Wedding Anniversary? :) :) :)
22. I have a somewhat unhealthy attachment to certain foods... like eggplant parm, guacamole, and most recently, multi-grain pancakes with strawberries and blueberries.
23. I can whistle and hum at the same time... but it's very difficult to get both on the same note.
24. We're going to make a chilled strawberry soup tonight, which was also served at our wedding. We have the recipe in our favor book (our favors were little scrapbooks of recipes of our entire wedding meal, along with pictures of DH and I cooking as children and as adults).
25. I keep going back and forth today like a manic-depressive, between being really happy and extremely depressed. I wish my Anniversary wasn't also my TTC Anniversary.
1. I am online right now shopping at The Company Store, looking for soft down pillows, a featherbed, and comforter covers and shams, for my Anniversary present to DH (which will be late, seeing as it's technically today!) I'm very excited about this, because I've never shopped at The Company Store, but my ex-bff in college turned me on to it, and her bed was THE MOST COMFORTABLE damn thing I've ever slept in.
2. I had braces for a year at age 13, for one snaggle tooth on top... stopped wearing my retainer for some reason, and now I have it again :( So I'm looking into Invisalign since apparently I have lots of time now, what with not popping out any babies.
3. I have 3 sisters. I have 2 sister-in-laws. My 2 SILs have the same first and middle names as 2 of my sisters. And they are 1 year apart from the sisters they share names with. And I have 3 ex-BILs.
4. What I considered my "dream job" out of college was a Kindergarten Catholic School teacher. And I got it! (Then quit it to start a family. Sheesh.)
5. I was the Musical Director of my college women's a cappella group. I arranged 10 songs which were recorded (and many others that were not). My pride and joy was a Cranberries Medley, which I worked on all 3 1/2 years of college and finally taught to the group senior year.
6. Speaking of 3 1/2 years, I entered my college as a "Feb" (a special class of students entering in February- there are about 100 of us each year at my alma mater), and graduated early. So I was only in college 3 1/2 years.
7. I write with my left hand. I play sports with my right. And I taught myself to write on the chalkboard with my right hand, because it doesn't erase that way. So I'm kind of a weird ambi-dextrist.
8. My engagement ring is my DH's grandmother's, from the 1930's. It is absolutely stunning, and just the kind of style I love. (I had to include this, All You... we have so much in common!!)
9. My MIL and I have the same middle name, last name, and first initial. And we live in an apartment attached to their house. She frequently opens my mail by mistake (or so she says, lol!)
10. I went to my oldest sister's graduation (from HS) when I was in 1st grade... decided after seeing the Valedictorian's speech that I wanted to be Valedictorian one day, ... and was :)
11. I went sky-diving (tandem) my freshman semester of college.
12. My DH and I met when he sat next to me on a plane ride from NYC to Venice, Italy. Before officially meeting, he was also behind me at baggage check, where we saw each other and noticed we had the same luggage. Definitely fate.
13. When I was little, I would disappear under the dinner table, then re-appear and perform a sexy dance number a la "Johnny Dangerously" (which I was surprisingly allowed to see at such an early age). I was seriously demented.
14. My Birthday is Christmas in July (July 25), which is how I make people remember it.
15. I had a higher alcohol tolerance in HS than I do now. I come from a small town, small public school, where there wasn't much else to do but drink in an assortment of outdoor venues.
16. I have to sleep with covers on... no matter how hot or humid it is.
17. I used to collect Absolut ads- I have a book full of them.
18. My parents are apparently so fertile that I was conceived with the use of a diaphragm and spermicide. And now I'm infertile. You tell me how this is fair.
19. I will vote based on one, and only one platform alone- abortion. If a candidate is Pro-Life, and willing to actually do something about abortion, I'll vote for him/her. To me, this is the most basic of human rights, and the issue needs more immediate attention than the economy, the environment, or other civil right issues combined.
20. I hate exercising! You couldn't drag me to the gym while I was in college (we had the most gorgeous gym, with an amazing view of the Green Mountains), but to me, exercising is much too solitary. I took a kickboxing class, which was a little more interactive and competitive in nature... and I like yoga... but that's about it.
21. Did I mention today's my 2-Year Wedding Anniversary? :) :) :)
22. I have a somewhat unhealthy attachment to certain foods... like eggplant parm, guacamole, and most recently, multi-grain pancakes with strawberries and blueberries.
23. I can whistle and hum at the same time... but it's very difficult to get both on the same note.
24. We're going to make a chilled strawberry soup tonight, which was also served at our wedding. We have the recipe in our favor book (our favors were little scrapbooks of recipes of our entire wedding meal, along with pictures of DH and I cooking as children and as adults).
25. I keep going back and forth today like a manic-depressive, between being really happy and extremely depressed. I wish my Anniversary wasn't also my TTC Anniversary.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Futile Efforts
I suppose when you're the type of girl, like each of us, who despite all of your achievements in life, still feels empty inside because you can't do the one thing you want most in the world, then any efforts you make at preparing for another failed cycle are just futile. I'm having horrible PMS symptoms this cycle (the same as always, but stronger), and it just makes me mad that I have to go through the insomnia at night, extreme fatigue during the day, sore breasts, etc. with no reward at the end of it.
Obviously I'm thankful for the progesterone that is causing all of these symptoms, since I never even had my own progesterone before being treated with NaPro. Plus, if I remained untreated for anovulation and PCOS, with all of the unopposed estrogen stimulation in my body, I would have been at risk for breast cancer in my future. So, yay for progesterone. But why is it that we have to physically feel our worst when we are emotionally feeling our worst at the end of another failed cycle?
Today is P+13, and (in my estimation) 12dpo. By my calculations, I should get AF tomorrow, on August 15th. The Assumption. The date of our renewal Consecration to Mary. 4 days before my 2nd Wedding Anniversary. Depressing.
To end on a sillier note, DH and I were watching the Olympics the other night, and ever since we've been talking more about adoption, we've been exploring domestic vs. foreign adoption options. So, while watching the Chinese women's gymnastics team (who are rumored to be underage, btw- I would have to agree with Bela Karolyi on that one, did you see those girls??), DH goes, "Ohhhh! I want to adopt a little Chinese gymnast!" So I guess we'll be adopting a Chinese baby girl in our future, and enrolling her in gymnastics at the ripe age of 1 1/2 :)
Obviously I'm thankful for the progesterone that is causing all of these symptoms, since I never even had my own progesterone before being treated with NaPro. Plus, if I remained untreated for anovulation and PCOS, with all of the unopposed estrogen stimulation in my body, I would have been at risk for breast cancer in my future. So, yay for progesterone. But why is it that we have to physically feel our worst when we are emotionally feeling our worst at the end of another failed cycle?
Today is P+13, and (in my estimation) 12dpo. By my calculations, I should get AF tomorrow, on August 15th. The Assumption. The date of our renewal Consecration to Mary. 4 days before my 2nd Wedding Anniversary. Depressing.
To end on a sillier note, DH and I were watching the Olympics the other night, and ever since we've been talking more about adoption, we've been exploring domestic vs. foreign adoption options. So, while watching the Chinese women's gymnastics team (who are rumored to be underage, btw- I would have to agree with Bela Karolyi on that one, did you see those girls??), DH goes, "Ohhhh! I want to adopt a little Chinese gymnast!" So I guess we'll be adopting a Chinese baby girl in our future, and enrolling her in gymnastics at the ripe age of 1 1/2 :)
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Dr's
Just had a Dr's Appt. Had a Pap and an exam to check my cervix (all the post-Peak tacky, gummy, or stretchy mucus met criteria for a possible cervical infection). Turns out I did have a low-grade infection, but nothing requiring treatment at this time.
We also discussed our upcoming plans. Since we missed the last 2 cycles for u/s series on Femara (Dr was away both times), we're going to do a baseline u/s on CD 5 next cycle, as well as a series starting CD 12. I'm back on Amoxicillin as a mucus enhancer next cycle, since my mucus this cycle wasn't the best quality.
My P+7 b/w came back at 36 for progesterone, 436 for estradiol. About normal for me on a medicated cycle. I finally remembered to ask the question I've been wondering about for a long time, though, which is if there were 2 mature follies that ruptured, and 2 corpus lutei, do they produce twice the amount of progesterone? The answer: Yes! I was wondering if I had a double ovulation this month, since my ovaries were both extremely sensitive on O day. I guess I'll never know, though.
Not much else to report. Obviously I'm not holding out too much hope for this cycle, since I'm already talking about the next one. But it's ok this time, since I haven't had any strange and new "symptoms" to keep me on my toes, I can actually prepare for let-down.
We also discussed our upcoming plans. Since we missed the last 2 cycles for u/s series on Femara (Dr was away both times), we're going to do a baseline u/s on CD 5 next cycle, as well as a series starting CD 12. I'm back on Amoxicillin as a mucus enhancer next cycle, since my mucus this cycle wasn't the best quality.
My P+7 b/w came back at 36 for progesterone, 436 for estradiol. About normal for me on a medicated cycle. I finally remembered to ask the question I've been wondering about for a long time, though, which is if there were 2 mature follies that ruptured, and 2 corpus lutei, do they produce twice the amount of progesterone? The answer: Yes! I was wondering if I had a double ovulation this month, since my ovaries were both extremely sensitive on O day. I guess I'll never know, though.
Not much else to report. Obviously I'm not holding out too much hope for this cycle, since I'm already talking about the next one. But it's ok this time, since I haven't had any strange and new "symptoms" to keep me on my toes, I can actually prepare for let-down.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Spoke Too Soon
What's new? I think I'll invest in a Jump To Conclusions Mat, because I'm pretty sure I'd be the champion. Then again, I have been feeling like a no-talent ass clown lately. Say hello to Lumberg for me. (Sorry, once I start I can't stop sometimes.)
Well my semi-normal post-Peak phase has taken a turn for the weird. 1st sign (which I originally discounted) was an 8BLx1 on Thursday (P+5, and 4dpo). 8BL is tacky, brown, and lubricative. The reason I originally discounted it (still charted it, but also charted PCAD, pasty cloudy all day) was because this observation was made (TMI WARNING!!!!) after a BM, and I accidentally wiped past the anus on the first wipe. So I'm not really sure if it came from the 1st hole or the 2nd. (I know, I know, this is nasty, but ya know what? You don't have to read it.)
Then today, I had a 10GKL (stretchy, gummy, clear, lubricative) which was only slightly gummy. So I'm back to the post-Peak peak type mucus. Blech! I'm so done with yellow stamps!! But here I am complaining about yellow stamps and continuous mucus when I just had my VERY FIRST CD 14 Peak Day. How selfish can I be in one cycle? One step at a time, ...
Today's homily was great. We had the first reading from Kings, where the Lord was not present in the earthquake, the heavy winds, or the fire, but in the tiny whispering voice after all of these things. Then the Gospel was Jesus walking on the water, and saving Peter when his faith faltered. Clearly excellent readings for us infertiles, just on their own. But then Father's homily spoke about how people always want to attribute natural disasters to God (i.e. insurance companies call them an "Act of God."), but that this is not accurate. God is not in the disasters, but rather in the quiet before the storm, and the peace and serene afterwards. He then mentioned how people always say things are "God's will" when it's a negative thing, like cancer. Illness is not God's will. I have to remember that, and remember the Gospel. So often I try to get through these failed months by saying to myself, "It is God's will that I not be pregnant now." Well, that's just not true! I truly feel, today especially, that God WANTS us to be pregnant! And when we attribute our illness, our failures, to God's will, we are faltering just as Peter did on that Sea. I need to embrace this cross, yes. But I also need to do it with FAITH and HOPE.
I think I've written enough to ponder on today. 'Til next time!
Well my semi-normal post-Peak phase has taken a turn for the weird. 1st sign (which I originally discounted) was an 8BLx1 on Thursday (P+5, and 4dpo). 8BL is tacky, brown, and lubricative. The reason I originally discounted it (still charted it, but also charted PCAD, pasty cloudy all day) was because this observation was made (TMI WARNING!!!!) after a BM, and I accidentally wiped past the anus on the first wipe. So I'm not really sure if it came from the 1st hole or the 2nd. (I know, I know, this is nasty, but ya know what? You don't have to read it.)
Then today, I had a 10GKL (stretchy, gummy, clear, lubricative) which was only slightly gummy. So I'm back to the post-Peak peak type mucus. Blech! I'm so done with yellow stamps!! But here I am complaining about yellow stamps and continuous mucus when I just had my VERY FIRST CD 14 Peak Day. How selfish can I be in one cycle? One step at a time, ...
Today's homily was great. We had the first reading from Kings, where the Lord was not present in the earthquake, the heavy winds, or the fire, but in the tiny whispering voice after all of these things. Then the Gospel was Jesus walking on the water, and saving Peter when his faith faltered. Clearly excellent readings for us infertiles, just on their own. But then Father's homily spoke about how people always want to attribute natural disasters to God (i.e. insurance companies call them an "Act of God."), but that this is not accurate. God is not in the disasters, but rather in the quiet before the storm, and the peace and serene afterwards. He then mentioned how people always say things are "God's will" when it's a negative thing, like cancer. Illness is not God's will. I have to remember that, and remember the Gospel. So often I try to get through these failed months by saying to myself, "It is God's will that I not be pregnant now." Well, that's just not true! I truly feel, today especially, that God WANTS us to be pregnant! And when we attribute our illness, our failures, to God's will, we are faltering just as Peter did on that Sea. I need to embrace this cross, yes. But I also need to do it with FAITH and HOPE.
I think I've written enough to ponder on today. 'Til next time!
Saturday, August 9, 2008
I Cheated...
but I just had to. I looked up my estimated due date if I had conceived this cycle. And to my surprise, I can still have an April baby! (This whole time I thought it'd be May, since I think last cycle I would have been due early April.)
Two reasons why I did this.
First, you may remember me saying I had this nagging feeling that I would have a newborn baby in the Springtime... maybe NOT next spring, but I do think it was supposed to be next spring in my "visions."
Second, I recently finished a Novena to St. Therese. Up until this point, I've done most of my Novenas after ovulation (it kills time in the 2ww, and keeps me calm). But this time, I decided to start the Novena 9 days before my estimated ovulation date, so that I would end the Novena on the same day that I could possibly conceive. Well, as some of you may know, St. Therese has promised to let fall a shower of roses upon her death, and during her life in heaven. And the prayer to her goes, "St. Therese, please pick a rose from the heavenly gardens and send it to me with a message of love." So after finishing a Novena to her, you are supposed to see a flower somewhere, somehow, in your daily path, and know it is from her. (It works every time for me.) With the exception of this time. You all can surely guess what my prayer intent was this time... but at the end of the Novena, no flower.
I was thinking about it last night, wondering if St. Therese would send me that flower WHEN my prayer was answered instead. Then, this morning, my husband came in carrying a hand-picked bouquet of the most gorgeous flowers I've ever seen!! (He will sometimes buy me flowers for no reason, but not very often... and he's never picked them!) I immediately teared up. This was my sign from St. Therese!! I told him about the prayer, and he said it was so weird, because he had this overwhelming feeling when he got out of the car in our driveway, to go pick me some flowers. (He had no idea I had done this Novena.) So, St. Therese has sent me this message of love... and of course I am so happy that she is up there petitioning on our behalf. Whether or not we have conceived this cycle, I know that we will some day.
Our Consecration to Mary ends next Friday, on the Assumption. I'm thinking of testing the next day, if AF hasn't shown. Haven't figured it out yet. Only reason I'll test at all is because our Anniversary is the 19th, so I'll want some time to "plan" how to tell DH on our Anniversary. Of course, these are all pipe dreams. I always have some lavish, elaborate plan on telling him each month, and they all get squashed.
In cycle news, I am 7dpo, and P+8 today. And this may be my first "normal" cycle since the surgery. I say that because I have not had any post-Peak peak type mucus, and I have not had sore bbs at all (until today, slight soreness on the sides, but nothing compared to the last few cycles). Still having a lot of post-peak pasty, but I didn't expect surgery to take care of that.
How's everyone else's cycle going?
Two reasons why I did this.
First, you may remember me saying I had this nagging feeling that I would have a newborn baby in the Springtime... maybe NOT next spring, but I do think it was supposed to be next spring in my "visions."
Second, I recently finished a Novena to St. Therese. Up until this point, I've done most of my Novenas after ovulation (it kills time in the 2ww, and keeps me calm). But this time, I decided to start the Novena 9 days before my estimated ovulation date, so that I would end the Novena on the same day that I could possibly conceive. Well, as some of you may know, St. Therese has promised to let fall a shower of roses upon her death, and during her life in heaven. And the prayer to her goes, "St. Therese, please pick a rose from the heavenly gardens and send it to me with a message of love." So after finishing a Novena to her, you are supposed to see a flower somewhere, somehow, in your daily path, and know it is from her. (It works every time for me.) With the exception of this time. You all can surely guess what my prayer intent was this time... but at the end of the Novena, no flower.
I was thinking about it last night, wondering if St. Therese would send me that flower WHEN my prayer was answered instead. Then, this morning, my husband came in carrying a hand-picked bouquet of the most gorgeous flowers I've ever seen!! (He will sometimes buy me flowers for no reason, but not very often... and he's never picked them!) I immediately teared up. This was my sign from St. Therese!! I told him about the prayer, and he said it was so weird, because he had this overwhelming feeling when he got out of the car in our driveway, to go pick me some flowers. (He had no idea I had done this Novena.) So, St. Therese has sent me this message of love... and of course I am so happy that she is up there petitioning on our behalf. Whether or not we have conceived this cycle, I know that we will some day.
Our Consecration to Mary ends next Friday, on the Assumption. I'm thinking of testing the next day, if AF hasn't shown. Haven't figured it out yet. Only reason I'll test at all is because our Anniversary is the 19th, so I'll want some time to "plan" how to tell DH on our Anniversary. Of course, these are all pipe dreams. I always have some lavish, elaborate plan on telling him each month, and they all get squashed.
In cycle news, I am 7dpo, and P+8 today. And this may be my first "normal" cycle since the surgery. I say that because I have not had any post-Peak peak type mucus, and I have not had sore bbs at all (until today, slight soreness on the sides, but nothing compared to the last few cycles). Still having a lot of post-peak pasty, but I didn't expect surgery to take care of that.
How's everyone else's cycle going?
Tagged
I was Tagged by Angry Infertile
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.
1. Where is your cell phone? here
2. Your significant other? husband
3. Your hair? stylish
4. Your mother? fertile
5. Your father? fertile
6. Your favorite thing? food
7. Your dream last night? vivid
8. Your favorite drink? eggcream
9. Your dream/goal? Mommy
10. The room you're in? guest
11. Your hobby? obsess
12. Your fear? realized
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? house
14. What you're not? fake
15. Muffins? yum
16. One of your wish list items? baby
17. Where you grew up? home (both my town and my State are 2 words!)
18. The last thing you did? typed
19. What are you wearing? pjs
20. Favorite Gadget? cell?
21. Your pet? human
22. Your computer? present
23. Your mood? sleepy
24. Missing someone? nope
25. Your car? Subaru
26. Something you are not wearing? bra
27. Favorite Store? grocery
28. Like someone? lots
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? earlier
31. Last time you cried? earlier
I tag..........
LifeHopes, and not by sight, All You Who Hope, and Faithful Infertile
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.
1. Where is your cell phone? here
2. Your significant other? husband
3. Your hair? stylish
4. Your mother? fertile
5. Your father? fertile
6. Your favorite thing? food
7. Your dream last night? vivid
8. Your favorite drink? eggcream
9. Your dream/goal? Mommy
10. The room you're in? guest
11. Your hobby? obsess
12. Your fear? realized
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? house
14. What you're not? fake
15. Muffins? yum
16. One of your wish list items? baby
17. Where you grew up? home (both my town and my State are 2 words!)
18. The last thing you did? typed
19. What are you wearing? pjs
20. Favorite Gadget? cell?
21. Your pet? human
22. Your computer? present
23. Your mood? sleepy
24. Missing someone? nope
25. Your car? Subaru
26. Something you are not wearing? bra
27. Favorite Store? grocery
28. Like someone? lots
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? earlier
31. Last time you cried? earlier
I tag..........
LifeHopes, and not by sight, All You Who Hope, and Faithful Infertile
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Inspiring Words
from the winner of So You Think You Can Dance Season 4 (I won't mention the name, because I don't want to spoil it if you've DVR'd it... but I am over the moon happy right now!!!):
"Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do anything. Because God's in control, and with God you can do anything."
I agree. I think I'll go with that one :) Thank you, America's Favorite Dancer (and mine, from day 1)!
"Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do anything. Because God's in control, and with God you can do anything."
I agree. I think I'll go with that one :) Thank you, America's Favorite Dancer (and mine, from day 1)!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Infertility vs. Recurrent Miscarriage
Here I go again with another somewhat controversial subject. And please know right off the bat, I do not mean to offend ANYONE, and I will try to use the most gentle, positive language possible.
Recently, on the online message boards where I'm a member, a topic was breeched about primary infertility (TTC the first child for over 1 yr with no success... or if using the Creighton Model, 6 months with no success), and how it is tougher than secondary infertility. Of course, I'd have to agree with this statement, since a) I can't relate to secondary, but I know from personal experience that primary is a bitch, and b) logistically, if you walk away from secondary IF never conceiving, at least you still have a child to love in your future.
But then the comment was made (not meant to be offensive) that TTC with recurrent m/cs is much different from TTC with no losses, because with losses, you are grieving the actual death of a child. There is NO DEBATE in my mind, on this point. The 2 are absolutely different, and if I had to pick which is "worse" to experience, definitely the recurrent m/cs. However, it got me thinking. Which is more despairing? Which is more hopeless?
Now of course, having never suffered a m/c, I will be taking the angle of an infertile who has never conceived. I just can't relate to the m/c side of this argument, so I won't try. But I can CERTAINLY relate to TTC with no pregnancies. Ever. Never. Nottaone. So that's what I'll do:
In NaPro Technology, they actually consider Infertility as a separate thing altogether from TTC with history of m/c. One of the Drs who lead a discussion in my Creighton Model training class came right out and said, "Having recurrent miscarriages is not infertility. They can get pregnant. Infertility is when you can't get pregnant at all." What I, and other infertiles experience every single month is a series of grieving emotions, over the loss of what "could have been." We actually do MOURN the death of our dream for that cycle. And in many ways, that mourning is similar to mourning over someone's death... except that it is a recurring death. With each passing month, and each failed cycle, something else continues to die, and that is our hope. The longer and longer we try to achieve a pregnancy, and fail, the more we wonder, "will I ever carry a baby in my womb?" "Will I ever be able to get pregnant?"
Another added level of despair for infertility with no losses is that we suffer alone. If an infertile shows up to work, or to an outing with friends, on the 1st day of her new cycle (aka, period started, no pregnancy... again), no one can really sympathize with her or understand how sad she is. Often, it is a silent suffering, because most infertiles realize that no one but other infertiles can relate to what they are going through. But in the rare case that an infertile DOES share their misery with co-workers or friends, the usual response is a puzzled look and a well-intended comment along the lines of "you're trying too hard, just relax!" or "I'm sorry, maybe next time." After many months of the same, though, outsiders tend to run out of things to say to you.
Conversely, if you have just suffered a miscarriage, I can guarantee that everyone (ignorant, heartless people aside) who hears about it will be there with open arms and an empathetic apology for your loss. A true loss people can relate to. But start talking about abstract losses like infertility and the inability to get pregnant, and people don't know what to do or say.
Another added bonus of infertility, and the monthly mourning (note sarcasm), is that deep down we also feel guilty for mourning! We realize that as MUCH as we would die to bring new life into this world, and have a soul growing inside of us, we DID NOT conceive. There was no life. Therefore there was no death. Why are we so upset? We didn't really lose anything! It's a horrible, viscious cycle, which continues to eat away at that hope I mentioned earlier.
Finally, in infertility, we don't even have the divine consolation that we will be with our children in heaven. We were never able to create a life with our husband and with God here on Earth, so that soul does not exist. Now obviously, there is no heartache or sadness in Heaven... so God must have something else, something very special planned for those of us who may never conceive children, for our time in Heaven. But as we spend the remainder of our years here on Earth, there is a fear of constant regret.
Add to this now the Infertile woman who uses NaPro Technology:
NaPro has a particular strength in helping women who have had previous m/cs to carry a pg to term. Why? Because NaPro treats and "fixes" the abnormalities in the woman's body, and helps it become the optimum environment for a growing baby. But NaPro cannot force a sperm to fertilize an egg. So often, upon hearing of a friend's miscarriage, I will think- "Oh, with NaPro she has such a good chance of getting pregnant again and carrying to term!" And while I know that NaPro has already brought me so far in correcting my PCOS, endometriosis, blocked fallopian tubes, thyroid system, beta-endorphin levels, and DH's morphology, there is no guarantee that I will ever achieve a pregnancy. I have the UTMOST hope that if I do achieve pregnancy, I will be able to carry to term, because of the NaPro treatment I will continue to receive in early pg. But getting to that stage? The hope continues to die.
Again, sorry if this blog was offensive in any way. But since this is a blog about my infertility, my journey, and my emotions, I thought I should shed some light on this subject, from my perspective.
Recently, on the online message boards where I'm a member, a topic was breeched about primary infertility (TTC the first child for over 1 yr with no success... or if using the Creighton Model, 6 months with no success), and how it is tougher than secondary infertility. Of course, I'd have to agree with this statement, since a) I can't relate to secondary, but I know from personal experience that primary is a bitch, and b) logistically, if you walk away from secondary IF never conceiving, at least you still have a child to love in your future.
But then the comment was made (not meant to be offensive) that TTC with recurrent m/cs is much different from TTC with no losses, because with losses, you are grieving the actual death of a child. There is NO DEBATE in my mind, on this point. The 2 are absolutely different, and if I had to pick which is "worse" to experience, definitely the recurrent m/cs. However, it got me thinking. Which is more despairing? Which is more hopeless?
Now of course, having never suffered a m/c, I will be taking the angle of an infertile who has never conceived. I just can't relate to the m/c side of this argument, so I won't try. But I can CERTAINLY relate to TTC with no pregnancies. Ever. Never. Nottaone. So that's what I'll do:
In NaPro Technology, they actually consider Infertility as a separate thing altogether from TTC with history of m/c. One of the Drs who lead a discussion in my Creighton Model training class came right out and said, "Having recurrent miscarriages is not infertility. They can get pregnant. Infertility is when you can't get pregnant at all." What I, and other infertiles experience every single month is a series of grieving emotions, over the loss of what "could have been." We actually do MOURN the death of our dream for that cycle. And in many ways, that mourning is similar to mourning over someone's death... except that it is a recurring death. With each passing month, and each failed cycle, something else continues to die, and that is our hope. The longer and longer we try to achieve a pregnancy, and fail, the more we wonder, "will I ever carry a baby in my womb?" "Will I ever be able to get pregnant?"
Another added level of despair for infertility with no losses is that we suffer alone. If an infertile shows up to work, or to an outing with friends, on the 1st day of her new cycle (aka, period started, no pregnancy... again), no one can really sympathize with her or understand how sad she is. Often, it is a silent suffering, because most infertiles realize that no one but other infertiles can relate to what they are going through. But in the rare case that an infertile DOES share their misery with co-workers or friends, the usual response is a puzzled look and a well-intended comment along the lines of "you're trying too hard, just relax!" or "I'm sorry, maybe next time." After many months of the same, though, outsiders tend to run out of things to say to you.
Conversely, if you have just suffered a miscarriage, I can guarantee that everyone (ignorant, heartless people aside) who hears about it will be there with open arms and an empathetic apology for your loss. A true loss people can relate to. But start talking about abstract losses like infertility and the inability to get pregnant, and people don't know what to do or say.
Another added bonus of infertility, and the monthly mourning (note sarcasm), is that deep down we also feel guilty for mourning! We realize that as MUCH as we would die to bring new life into this world, and have a soul growing inside of us, we DID NOT conceive. There was no life. Therefore there was no death. Why are we so upset? We didn't really lose anything! It's a horrible, viscious cycle, which continues to eat away at that hope I mentioned earlier.
Finally, in infertility, we don't even have the divine consolation that we will be with our children in heaven. We were never able to create a life with our husband and with God here on Earth, so that soul does not exist. Now obviously, there is no heartache or sadness in Heaven... so God must have something else, something very special planned for those of us who may never conceive children, for our time in Heaven. But as we spend the remainder of our years here on Earth, there is a fear of constant regret.
Add to this now the Infertile woman who uses NaPro Technology:
NaPro has a particular strength in helping women who have had previous m/cs to carry a pg to term. Why? Because NaPro treats and "fixes" the abnormalities in the woman's body, and helps it become the optimum environment for a growing baby. But NaPro cannot force a sperm to fertilize an egg. So often, upon hearing of a friend's miscarriage, I will think- "Oh, with NaPro she has such a good chance of getting pregnant again and carrying to term!" And while I know that NaPro has already brought me so far in correcting my PCOS, endometriosis, blocked fallopian tubes, thyroid system, beta-endorphin levels, and DH's morphology, there is no guarantee that I will ever achieve a pregnancy. I have the UTMOST hope that if I do achieve pregnancy, I will be able to carry to term, because of the NaPro treatment I will continue to receive in early pg. But getting to that stage? The hope continues to die.
Again, sorry if this blog was offensive in any way. But since this is a blog about my infertility, my journey, and my emotions, I thought I should shed some light on this subject, from my perspective.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Not technically obsessing...
just curious. I was fully expecting ovulation (or Peak, whatever) on CD 16 again (today). After my ovarian wedge resection, I started Peaking at CD 17, then 16 (and O was always more or less the same day). But I had these horrific O pains all day on Friday and Saturday like I was about to pop (literally). I had an acupuncture appt. on Saturday morning, and good Lord in heaven, were my ovaries sensitive! It felt like knives sticking in there. The acupuncturist kept saying that was a good thing; when he removed them, he also made a comment like, "Wow, they're really holding on to these needles, they don't want to let go!" To which I responded, "Now if they could only do that with the sperm..."
Today, I haven't had any O pains. But I haven't had that "pelvis full of liquid" feeling that I often get right after O, either. And my bbs aren't sore. (This seemed to be the trend after surgery. Though my Creighton Model supervisor, and my Dr both say it takes about 4 cycles for things to get back to normal, so maybe this is my new normal.) The other thing is I was dry all day yesterday, making Peak on day 14. Day 14. Let's just stop and appreciate that momentous achievement for a moment. A severe PCOS girl, whose charts used to look like those of the most fertile woman in the world (white baby stamps and peak type mucus just about every day of the cycle), who never O'd on her own... now actually Peaking on CD 14? Like a middle school health class textbook ovulator!!! Amazing.
I am slightly concerned that I ran out of Pre-Seed, because I do think I may have O'd yesterday, when I was really sensitive. But I was dry, so it would have been good to have some on hand. (Side note: have any of you heard of those women who've actually used real egg whites as a sperm-friendly lubricative for TTC? I don't care how desperate I am for a baby, I will never put eggs in my hoo-ha.)
I'm also crossing my fingers that the increased ovary sensitivity this month could mean a double ovulation... it'd be nice to have a couple of targets for DH's "developmentally challenged" sperm. And it would be MORE than nice to get a two-for-one deal after 2 yrs of infertility. Not that I'm banking on that thought, I'm just sayin'.
Today, I haven't had any O pains. But I haven't had that "pelvis full of liquid" feeling that I often get right after O, either. And my bbs aren't sore. (This seemed to be the trend after surgery. Though my Creighton Model supervisor, and my Dr both say it takes about 4 cycles for things to get back to normal, so maybe this is my new normal.) The other thing is I was dry all day yesterday, making Peak on day 14. Day 14. Let's just stop and appreciate that momentous achievement for a moment. A severe PCOS girl, whose charts used to look like those of the most fertile woman in the world (white baby stamps and peak type mucus just about every day of the cycle), who never O'd on her own... now actually Peaking on CD 14? Like a middle school health class textbook ovulator!!! Amazing.
I am slightly concerned that I ran out of Pre-Seed, because I do think I may have O'd yesterday, when I was really sensitive. But I was dry, so it would have been good to have some on hand. (Side note: have any of you heard of those women who've actually used real egg whites as a sperm-friendly lubricative for TTC? I don't care how desperate I am for a baby, I will never put eggs in my hoo-ha.)
I'm also crossing my fingers that the increased ovary sensitivity this month could mean a double ovulation... it'd be nice to have a couple of targets for DH's "developmentally challenged" sperm. And it would be MORE than nice to get a two-for-one deal after 2 yrs of infertility. Not that I'm banking on that thought, I'm just sayin'.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Mucus
Yummy, doesn't that title just work up an appetite? (Ew.)
So I've been concerned about the quality of my mucus this cycle... gummy, stretchy on the 1st stretch, but then just kinda balls up... not at all the beautiful CM I'm used to. We decided to BD last night, and I thought, ok I'll just use some Pre-Seed. Open drawer- NO!! We're out of Pre-Seed :( So I ran in the other room, popped a Mucinex, and then used an Instead Cup after BD. This morning, voila! My normal, beautiful crystal clear, stretchy CM :)
And since this was the first BD of the season (yes, I just called it a season... we're so conditioned to use only fertile days, that's it's like the off-season during the infertile times. Poor DH.), it wouldn't have been complete without a dramatic "almost ruin the whole thing" episode on my part. I completely stressed out, started crying, and then started cursing myself for always doing this. The pressure was just insane. We talked about it, and I explained to DH that I just felt like my body continues to fail me, and that there's no point to BDing anymore. Sex was designed for a reason, and since I'm all sorts of screwed up, and can't perform the seemingly simple task of getting pregnant, I just felt like why should I even bother trying? Then I got mad and started rattling off all the types of people who get pregnant so easily, not only when they're not trying, but when they're intentionally trying NOT to! How is it that women get pregnant with condoms, IUDs, and on the pill, will someone explain this to me?? Here I am doing everything in my power to get sperm to meet egg - - and these women somehow defy science and nature with their super-fertility.
Well, we sat up and talked and I cried for a little while... then finally, somehow the pressure was relieved, and we BDd :) Now I can only hope that my little episode just helped the Mucinex to kick in in time!
So I've been concerned about the quality of my mucus this cycle... gummy, stretchy on the 1st stretch, but then just kinda balls up... not at all the beautiful CM I'm used to. We decided to BD last night, and I thought, ok I'll just use some Pre-Seed. Open drawer- NO!! We're out of Pre-Seed :( So I ran in the other room, popped a Mucinex, and then used an Instead Cup after BD. This morning, voila! My normal, beautiful crystal clear, stretchy CM :)
And since this was the first BD of the season (yes, I just called it a season... we're so conditioned to use only fertile days, that's it's like the off-season during the infertile times. Poor DH.), it wouldn't have been complete without a dramatic "almost ruin the whole thing" episode on my part. I completely stressed out, started crying, and then started cursing myself for always doing this. The pressure was just insane. We talked about it, and I explained to DH that I just felt like my body continues to fail me, and that there's no point to BDing anymore. Sex was designed for a reason, and since I'm all sorts of screwed up, and can't perform the seemingly simple task of getting pregnant, I just felt like why should I even bother trying? Then I got mad and started rattling off all the types of people who get pregnant so easily, not only when they're not trying, but when they're intentionally trying NOT to! How is it that women get pregnant with condoms, IUDs, and on the pill, will someone explain this to me?? Here I am doing everything in my power to get sperm to meet egg - - and these women somehow defy science and nature with their super-fertility.
Well, we sat up and talked and I cried for a little while... then finally, somehow the pressure was relieved, and we BDd :) Now I can only hope that my little episode just helped the Mucinex to kick in in time!
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