I'm a Catechist!

Last week during the daily Mass, Father mentioned that they only need 2 more catechists this year... and since I'm not teaching this year in school, I decided to sign up! I met with the Director of Religious Ed. today, and I will have a class of 14 4th-graders. (I would have preferred Kindergarten, but this will be a nice way to branch out and get experience in the upper Elementary grades.) I'm excited about it! And hopefully, the more involved I get with the church, the more people will be willing to help me set up FertilityCare services for the parish.

OK, now I have a technical question- I have made my blog public, and searchable on google, because I hope to be a source of support and information for fellow Catholic IF'ers (which is how I originally came here myself, after doing a similar search online). However, no one I know IRL knows about my blog. Just online IF friends, and people who have "found" me via search engines. My sister just called earlier to tell me that she found my blog by doing a google search on her name (I had put her name under my wedding photo, since she took it), and she suggested I remove her name if I don't want people knowing my personal business... well, I did that. But my blog is still coming up when I search for her name. I tried to change my settings so that search engines can't find my blog (which I really didn't want to do, for the aforementioned reasons), but that didn't work, either. Does anyone know what I need to do? Or will my "old blog" always appear, since I once had my sister's name on it? Help!

And, since this IS a Catholic infertility blog, and we were recently discussing IVF, I thought I'd include a message I posted on a website yesterday. (I'm almost embarassed to admit which website. Let me preface this by saying that I did a google on Brad and Angelina's IVF, because I was so flabbergasted at the fact that they reportedly chose this procedure for convenience!! Like I've said before, many of my friends have done IVF, and I can't think of ONE of them who would call the procedure convenient!) Anyway, when I did the search, the "I Heart Angelina" webpage came up (I know, I know), and people were discussing this latest news. One woman began the discussion with the following argument:

Why in the world would Angelina go through IVF, when she had a perfectly healthy pregnancy just 2 years ago naturally? That is crazy, I never thought someone like her, who believes in adoption would use science to get pregnant. If anyone out there has been through this knows, it is an extremely unnatural and invasive procedure…..I mean a man can get pregnant this way! Also, the babies usually experience health problems and are born prematuraly…..this is not how God wanted us to get pregnant. The woman must also undergo hormone therapy months prior to the procedure…….it is so unnatural! I don’t know if I believe she did it, or what doctor would do it to her ifr she just has a baby naturally 2 years ago.

You can imagine the kinds of comments and remarks that were made after this woman's post. Most were insulting, some accusatory, and all were defensive in nature. (People wrote in who had had previous IVFs, which resulted in their current children, which of course would make anyone defensive.) Among the remarks were statements like, "You are clearly uneducated," "Where do you get your statistics from?" "You obviously never had to suffer from infertility," and then the more blatantly insulting comments of, "I hope you rot in hell" (which I personally found beyond rude and immature), and "Go back to HS health class, and man can't get pg with IVF." I felt compelled to post a reply to all of this (don't ask why... I seriously doubt that anyone will be moved to seek out NaPro Technology while surfing the I Heart Angelina webpage!!), so this is what I posted:

As an infertile woman, who has been told by Drs that my only chance for pregnancy was IUI or IVF, I am happy to defend Mirabella in her previous statements. It probably did come across as harsh to those that take part in IVF, but the facts of the matter (and yes, I am a professional FertilityCare expert) remain that IVF is NOT natural conception. It is not the way God designed it. While I can understand first-hand the overwhelming desire to have a child (I suffer from primary infertility), I would urge women to explore alternative methods before submitting to the idea that “IVF is the only chance.” I guarantee that if you can get pregnant with IVF, you can get pregnant naturally with NaPro Technology. With NaPro, the underlying cause of IF is found, and fixed, making natural conception once again possible. And for us women who yearn for children so bady, why would we ever consider discarding some or most of them via IVF?

I believe the “man” to whom Mirabella referred is the woman who had a sex change and became pregnant through an IVF procedure… which is in and of itself disturbing

The point HERE is that Brad and Angelina reportedly chose IVF NOT for infertility reasons, but rather for scheduling purposes. And I hope we would all agree that this type of procedure, which puts the women under tons of physical stress, can often result in OHSS, ovarian cysts, and other problems, AND does surpass nature’s “filter” for abnormal sperm (the cervical mucus), thus often resulting in certain abnormalities for the baby/babies (which cannot always be seen immediately, for example, many IVF children from the 70’s and 80’s are now experiencing infertility issues)- should not be entered into for such whimsical and selfish reasons. I can guarantee that no one here chose IVF as their 1st option when they decided to TTC…

All of this being said, I don’t believe Mirabella was passing any judgement on the children that result from IVF. I do realize it’s a sensitive subject, and when you poke at a wound, it will re-open… but lashing out at someone for voicing their opinions on the matter (most of which ARE based on fact), is not helpful, nor is it mature. A life is a life. Period. No life is more precious than another, just because of “how” it was conceived. But I am a firm believer that those other embryos, the ones that didn’t make the transfer in all IVFs, are also precious lives, which should not be judged. Please don’t assume that anyone who opposes IVF must never have suffered infertility. THAT would be the uneducated statement.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhHnkXnJgaM

(I included the youtube video of the Epolites, who failed 2 IVF cycles and then tried NaPro and succeeded. We learned about this couple in my practitioner training- - they were asked to speak at a FertilityCare Centers of America Convention, about how much NaPro had helped them, and how they felt much more valued as human beings than they had been at the IVF clinics. After their speech, they announced that they were 4 wks pregnant!! Total surprise to the crowd, and Dr. Hilgers, but TELL ME that wasn't God's plan!)

I stretched the truth just a tad in the first statement... I was never told my only chance for pg was IUI or IVF. I was told that I had little chance without IUI (by the ob/gyn who performed my HSG), but because I went straight to NaPro (thank God), I never had to deal with someone telling me I had no chance outside IVF. BUT I know for a fact that I would have been told this had I gone to any other Dr. In fact, sometimes I think of going to an RE just for a consultation, just to see what he would say to us. Maybe I will!

That's all for today. OH, and of course I'll just have to say what a PHENOMENAL SHOW the final 6 dancers put on last night!!! I was more than impressed with Courtney and Mark- they really stepped up their game. And Twitch may actually be in trouble, now, since he did not do as well as Mark (imo). And Katee and Joshua? Need I say more? Heaven on stage. I love Chelsie, too. Can't wait for the Finale!!

Absence

I've noticed that I haven't posted too much recently. I'm trying to figure out if it's because I'm just bored, or I'm just not miserable for a change. Usually I'll post when something's on my mind, and most times I'm upset about the infertility. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm suddenly and miraculously at peace with my infertility- far from it. But I just haven't really had anything to vent about.

As far as a cycle update, I am on CD 12 today. I'm expecting Peak Day around CD 16 (which is where it was the last 2 cycles). I've had Peak Type mucus today and yesterday, though it was mixed with some brown spotting (anyone else hate "leftovers" as much as I do?) and it wasn't the best quality (sorta gummy, and not crystal clear). I've decided to hold off and wait until I see crystal clear mucus for our 1st BD this time... one thing we definitely have on our side is DH's count. Especially when he abstains for a long time (like now), his count is through the roof! Don't get jealous just yet... we always joke that he has millions of sperm, but they're all retarded (they're not really all retarded). I say they all get in there, start swimming really fast (he has great motility, too), but then all turn to each other and go, "Duuuuuh... which way do we go??"

So I figure the first batch will be the largest quantity, and a few good ones are bound to get through. Then after that, we'll just try to BD as often as possible! (Frequent BDing is supposedly good for morphology.) Like I said in a previous post, embracing my cross doesn't mean I have to give up. I'm still going to do everything in my power to conceive. The big test will be letting it go after I've done all that I can. And that's just what I plan to do.

Oh, and I was just reading to DH the story of St. Anne and Joachim, whose Feast Day was July 26... and I said, "Well, St. Joachim went into the wilderness, fasted, and prayed. I guess you're gonna have to do that!" (Easy for me to say, right? St. Anne just put her bridal clothes on, went in the garden, and asked God for a child. Hey, any excuse I can get to put my wedding gown back on is good by me!)

I hope everyone's psyched for SYTYCD tonight! I know I am!

Embracing the Cross

I know I haven't been around for a while- busy birthday festivities and such :) (I like to celebrate my birthday for about a month... I'm your typical Leo.) Tonight we are going to a show at my hometown Shakespeare Festival. They always do amazing productions, and I haven't been to one for a few years now, so I'm looking forward to it. We're going to picnic first, at the grounds where the show is. It overlooks the beautiful Hudson River with West Point on the other side. (This is also the town in which I grew up. I am so darn lucky.)

Anyway, I have to get going soon, but wanted to share this first. Just stole it from "All You Who Hope," but it is so fitting for the overall theme of my blog (if I even have a theme).

Your Cross

The everlasting God has in His wisdom foreseen from eternity the cross that He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost heart. This cross He now sends you He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood withHis divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with loving arms and weighed with His own hands to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you. He has blessed it with His holy Name, anointed it with His consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage,and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the all-merciful love of God.

-St. Francis de Sales

Wonderful Article

It's been bothering me for some time now (well, a few hours at the most, since I posted the last blog) that some may read my last post and be offended. I have heard comments in the past about how those opposed to IVF, for example, feel that the children that result from it are "less" in God's eyes than those conceived through an act of love between the parents. Now many of us Catholic bloggers here would, of course, view this as a ludicrous conclusion to jump to. However, if you put yourself in their shoes, it must seem like your infertility, and your decisions, are being attacked on all levels. We (infertiles) all go through experiences where someone clearly does not understand our suffering. To add to that desolation the feeling that even other infertiles may be looking down on certain fertility treatments that you are employing must be extremely difficult.

I mentioned in a response to someone's comment to me that I seldom find the right words to a)express my own feelings, and b) defend my religion. I'm much better in writing, when I can think things out, than I am in person, but even in writing it is a struggle. So, I did some research online, and found perhaps the BEST article about infertility in general, but also from a Catholic perspective... it deals with a variety of issues, statistics, emotions, struggles, and IVF. I would urge ALL of you readers to please take some time to read this article when you get the chance.

Here is the link:
http://www.hli.org/infertility/infertility_transcript.pdf

Interestingly enough... the website and the audio on tape are called "Embracing the Cross of Infertility." Truly, I was meant to find this article :) (And I must be kindred spirits with this Dr. Meaney!)

I will quote my favorite section of the article here:

"If we feel crushed by the experience [of IF] and have the impression that we are therefore responding inadequately to it, this does not mean that we are doing the wrong thing: we can often be under the wrong impression that being abandoned to God's Will means that in Herculean fashion we will sail through these trials, be a witness to the world through our inner and outer strength, and that we therefore won't experience so much pain. But being nailed to the cross means experiencing great anguish. Even Christ did, and He is the Son of God. The only thing we can do is depend on Him, hold up this pain to Him, and ask Him to help. This alone will give inner peace."

Wow. How often have I felt that I "haven't given my Cross entirely to God" and only because I continued to "suffer" the depression, the anxiety, the mourning of infertility? Why did I feel as if I needed to be numb to it all in order to be doing God's will? But now, I can totally do this!! It's not so daunting after all!

I also want to end this post by reiterating that I in no way pass judgement on any woman or couple who chooses to do IVF. In fact, I can wholly understand the pressures and the desire to have a child so badly that this seems to be the only option. If you take anything away from reading my blog, I would hope that it be the love and hope that is inherent in NaPro Technology. God wants us to be healed!! As always, I pray nightly for ALL of my infertile sisters and brothers. Good night, friends!

Few Random Thoughts

My mom's and grandma's birthday cards came in the mail today. My immediate family (Mom, Dad, sisters) all know about the IF... and I told my Grandma last Fall- she's been praying for us nightly since then. But my extended family has no clue (cousins, uncles, aunts)- which may not sound like a big deal, but my Mom's side of the family is Italian, so we are all pretty close and everybody knows everybody's business. So both cards (from my mom and grandma) of course said, "May all your prayers be answered" or something along those lines. I think they are both beginning to realize how painful this is for me. My birthday is no longer about my birthday, and celebrating myself. It's about another year coming and going. Another year older, without a baby in my arms. Without a life inside me.

In other news, I was recently on an Infertility Support Group online (I won't mention which one), and one of the women is now pg with triplets, via IVF. Her dilemma is now what to do with the 11 frozen embryos. She explained in her post that "they won't be trying again anytime soon," but at the same time, if she signs paperwork for them to be discarded, she'll always feel like she aborted 11 of her babies. On the flipside, she didn't quite feel right donating them, since they were fertilized (her eggs, DH's sperm), and then she would have biological children out there that she didn't know about. This woman was desperate for answers. Desperate to find a moral answer to all of this... how could she have "children" in the world and not be a part of their lives? But having suffered from IF for so long, how could she knowingly let her children die? At the end of her post, she asked, "Has anyone really thought about this in depth before their IVF cycle? What would you do in my situation??"

I didn't respond to this post. I couldn't think of a way to comfort her, because truth be told, I don't think there is a right answer for her. I wish I could have written something such as, "Yes, the Catholic Church has thought about this issue in depth before. And I, myself, have thought about the issue in depth." How can someone NOT think about these things in depth before going through IVF??

Again, here I am treading sensitive ground. I have dear friends, both IRL and online, who have gone through IVF. Some have succeeded. Most have not. All have felt that it was their only hope (and in most cases, Drs were telling them this... it's very, VERY hard to keep any kind of hope alive in your heart when a medical professional is telling you flat out that you will NEVER get pregnant on your own. And I truly do feel for these women in these cases.) But none of the women I know who underwent IVF tried NaPro Technology. I pray every night that NaPro becomes more mainstream... and maybe, slowly, it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhHnkXnJgaM

Now that my own infertility health issues have been healed with my surgery, it would be very easy for me to go get impregnated with IVF. I may even have a very high chance of success, with no endometriosis to attack the blastocysts, and no partial blockages to threaten a tubal pregnancy. But in my heart, I know that NaPro is working, in its own time. I know that when I get pregnant for the 1st time, it will only be the start. And I will have even more hope of conceiving the rest of my children naturally in the future. Hope, I feel, is at the root of it all. Without it, we have nothing.

To close on a less sensitive subject, I'm so excited for "So You Think You Can Dance" tonight! Poor Kherrington is gone, of course (but she was kinda stinking it up last week... not that anyone else could have done better with that Country Two-Step). I like Joshua, Katee, and Chelsea, and Will best. Twitch is a close 5th, but I don't like when he tries too hard to "act" the part. He always just ends up sticking his lips out when he's acting serious, or romantic. And I'm really glad Will was paired with Katee, because he wasn't really able to shine with Jessica- with Katee, he's FANTASTIC! (But who isn't? That girl is amazing.) If you don't watch the show, you need to start immediately. Think of it as an American Idol where all the contestants actually HAVE talent and are versatile. And every moment is entertaining. Even just hearing Cat Deely with her odd pronunciations and accent (what part of England says "jidges??")
Tonight, 8:00pm, Fox. Be there, or be... lost the next time I post about the show.

Blockbuster- opened my soul's eyes

I know. I was confused too!
Last night I asked DH to take me out. Just out. I needed to get away, I was feeling much too sorry for myself. (Today, by the way, is CD1... so the irritability, depression, etc. all makes total sense now.)
We went to Blockbuster to rent a few movies. First I came across a film "Conversations with God" based on the best-seller from Neale Walsh. Then I stumbled across "Therese," the true story of Therese of Lisieux. (As you may recall, she is my patron Saint, whose name I chose at Confirmation.)

Last night I watched Conversations with God. A modern-day man who loses everything in his life, and yet comes out of it happy and successful, because he finally listens to what God is telling him. (It was like a modern-day Book of Job.) The words that resonated the most with me from this film were, "Suffering is not about the events itself. It is all in how you react to those events. What you are feeling is everything." Have I been choosing all along to suffer? Something for me to think about. All in all, it was a feel-good movie (the book is most likely better), and definately lifted my spirits. Also made me want to watch "The Secret" again... which also has a great message, I just wish they would give GOD more credit, instead of The Universe. (Who do they think created The Universe, anyway?!) But I digress.

Today, as DH is busy catering a wedding (did I ever mention he is a chef?- - it's not his main job anyway, he owns and operates a construction company with his father, but he is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, and probably the best chef ever. No I'm not biased.) - I watched Therese. What a beautiful movie! I have already read The Story of a Soul, but it's been a while... and this just reminded me how little and weak we are in the grand scheme of things. My desire for a baby has clouded my better judgement... and my faith. I know that recently I've been struggling with the ability to hand this burden over to Jesus. But now I think I have a better understanding of what that is really about. In small steps, and in little ways, I can continue to "hand it over" to Him a little every day. For example, today- as a new cycle commences and my hopes for THIS baby are subdued- I can offer that cycle's failure for Jesus' suffering on the Cross. My wallowing, complaining, and feeling sorry for myself only separates me even more from God.

A large part of this new understanding came to me as I realized that I am a contribution, a living soul, in this world. Sounds silly, but through this whole infertility journey I've just been concentrating so much on how MY contribution was meant to be my children, and THAT is how I was supposed to help the world. But what if, in turn, MY children were to experience infertility? Would I want them to give up altogether, throw in the towel, pray selfishly month after month, and suffer a horrible depression when things didn't work in their favor? Of course not. I would want them to be happy, yes. But I would want them to know their soul's worth. Their fertility is not where their spirit lies. Nor is my fertility where my spirit lies. And I think just like a blind man often has acute hearing, or a woman with only one hand can use it quicker than most people use two... I am meant to become spiritually stronger due to my physical "challenge."

This all sounds wonderful now, of course. I know that the road will get rocky from time to time again, and I'll feel broken, crushed, and without purpose. But that's when I have to pray my hardest for guidance and "offer it up" to God.

So what does this mean for my TTC? Will I still take my Femara tomorrow? Yes I will. Will I still use fertile days for intercourse? Yes I will. But only in cooperation with God's will. I KNOW I won't get pregnant unless/until God wills it. So I will do my part, my DH will do his part, and when God decides the time is right, He will do His part. I can't ask for anything more than that.

Thanks for reading if you got this far!

Thursday Mass again

So I went to the daily Mass again today. You may wonder why it's only been on Thursdays that I attend. (Should I admit that the Thursday Mass is at 12:10, as opposed to the 8:15 masses on other weekdays, and I'm too lazy to drag myself out of bed before 9:00 these days?)

I really think the homily was intended for my ears today. And if I was at all unsure, the priest made a point to keep looking over at me during it... I'm pretty sure he, too, thought I could benefit from it. The Gospel was from Matthew, about Jesus telling his disciples to bring their burdens to Him, and He would take it upon His shoulders. (For his yoke is light...) Father then spoke about how no matter what it is we are suffering from, no matter what the burden, we need to have faith in the Trust of Jesus. He added that we may not always find the outcome we had hoped for (here's where he looked at me again), but that if we trust in Jesus' ability to help us carry the burden, then at LEAST it will make the suffering easier to handle.

For so long, I've felt like I have given my burden, fully and completely, to Jesus. But after the homily, (and communion, etc.), I walked to the parking lot, got in my car, and immediately started sobbing. I have not put this in God's hands. I have not turned it over into Jesus' care. But I also don't know how to do this! How can I not worry about my future children (or lack thereof)? How can I not obsess about making my body as healthy as it can be, so that one day my growing baby will be able to grow strong and healthy? I don't know how to do this. Yes, I've taken mental "breaks" from TTC before, but that has not meant I've stopped taking my vitamins, charting, and being aware of when I ovulate so that I can be vigilante of what I eat and what I do in the 2WW. How am I supposed to stop all of this?

In the midst of crying, I also became really mad. In my prayers lately I have told God that I know now that I have no inherent right or privilege to children. I have always viewed all life as a gift, but now after 2 years of infertility, I TRULY appreciate how life comes to us from above, and it is not our wanting or willing it that creates it. But then I thought about adoption. What if we do end up finding our children through adoption? What gives the birth mothers the right to pick and choose who will parent her child? Shouldn't it be God's decision? Why does it seem that everyone else in the world DOES have some divine right to life, and to make decisions concerning life, except for me??

I don't know why I've been having such a bad few days. I've been super emotional lately, and reaching the point where the infertility is defeating me. It wouldn't be so difficult if every cycle was the same... if every month I experienced the same PMS symptoms, with nothing new, at least then my heart wouldn't still yearn for possibility. But now this month, I've been cramping since P+6 (6dpo). On and off, with no AF in sight. I never cramp this early before AF. And of course all of my online friends need to remind me of either their own pregnancies, or someone they know who cramped a week before their period and ended up being pregnant. Great. So I can't even get used to the idea that I should have had a baby at 25, and now I won't even be pregnant at 26. Nope. Instead, I'll be going back and forth, up and down, on this Hell-On-Earth roller coaster called the 2WW, because my stupid body can't do what it's supposed to do. And I'm not even talking about getting pregnant. I just wish it could at least react to the rise and fall of progesterone like a normal body.

I think I'll go float in the pool and forget how much life sucks for a while.

Trumpets, please

And now for my P+7 (really P+8) b/w results:
(However un-telling and insignificant they may be)

Estradiol, 430
Progesterone, 43.7

So. Not much to really say. I've had higher. I've had lower. I've had higher on medication. I've had lower on medication. I've had higher with less symptoms than I'm having now. I've had lower with more symptoms than I'm having now. So, really? I've decided there's no point to the P+7 b/w.

Good news. I convinced my husband to "catch up" and start the Consecration with me last night :) Yay!! He didn't miss too much, so now he's all caught up. I'm so glad!

I'm off to go swimming, cuz I don't know about your neck of the woods, but here in NJ it's HOT and HUMID!

LabCorp

Or maybe I should call it, "My Second Home." The woman who never recognizes me (after almost 2 years of monthly b/w), has finally made the connection that yes, this is the girl who comes in every month at least once, who I always ask are you trying to get pregnant and she always says yes. So after greeting me by name, I get called in to fill in the paperwork with the new guy. I had a new standing order for 6 months of P+7 b/w (I think this is my 3rd standing order). And man. Did it ever hit home to hear him say, "OK, so this is good through January." Holy crap!! JANUARY?!?!?! I hope to God I'm not still coming in for P+7 b/w in JANUARY! But at this rate, it's highly likely I will be. How depressing is that?

At one of my follow-ups with a new client the other day, they mentioned that friends of theirs were having a baby (of course they are, isn't everybody??) And then the husband said something along the lines of, "Yeah they have about a month to go... no, wait, more than that. Their due date is September 15." Ouch. OK, so I know I didn't miscarry, and I have absolutely no right to get emotional over this, but when I had my false + hpt in January, my EDD was September 15. Exactly smack in the middle of the month. A little Virgo baby as my first child, just like my mom and dad's first (born Sept. 12). It dawned on me that I would be pretty huge by now... only 2 months to go. And yet I can't even mourn the loss of the child that "should" have been mine, because I didn't have a loss. I can't memorialize the life I never had inside of me. I can't miss that little baby that I invented in my mind. I can't say that technically, I AM a mommy, but my child is in heaven.

I would never wish for a miscarriage. And if I could go back to that fateful day (January 9th), I wouldn't wish that it were a real pregnancy and an early loss... I would just not test. But the more time that passes with no pregnancies whatsoever is eating away (faster and faster, it seems) at my hope.

It didn't help that yesterday's readings in Mass were all about the fertile soil, fruitful vines, and analogies to God's children. Life, all life, was created to be fertile. And I know, the whole point of the readings was not procreation but rather how we spread the word of God when it is planted inside of us. But how much more "fertile" could I be in spreading God's good news if I could pass it along to my children? I just feel like my body and soul do not work the way they were designed to... and people say (non-infertiles, of course) that having children is not the be-all and end-all to life. Well, it's a good darn thing I'm not Eve, s'all I'm saying! Can you imagine? The first woman on Earth- can't reproduce.

Forgive my crummy mood today. DH decided not to do the Consecration with me again. (He refused last year, too.) I really wish I had a more devout husband. I guess I shouldn't complain, because when we were just starting to date, he didn't go to Church or practice his faith at all. He has come a long way. And he prays in a very different way than I do- - he doesn't seem to like all the structured prayers. So maybe I shouldn't force this on him. But I was just really upset about it last night when I began by myself. I feel like praying TOGETHER as man and wife is so much more powerful than just me.

Anyway. Hopefully I'll be out of this funk soon. On the TTC/2WW front, I've now had 3 days in a row of barely stretchy (tacky on the 2nd stretch), cloudy or clear mucus. 2 days it was gummy. I had this kind of stuff in my 2WW the first cycle of trying after surgery. I'm more than likely out this cycle... which is probably another reason for my depression as of late. I just want my baby. Is that too much to ask??

Here Comes the Hope Again...

falling on my head like a memory... (Name that Tune for $5. Very good. Now go to your wallet and take out $5. You didn't think I was going to pay you, did you?)

So it's P+6. Possibly 7 dpo, but at least 6. And I should warn you before you get as excited as I am (because we all know that you react to every tiny little sign of my 2ww with as much intense emotion as I do) that my cycles have been rather whacky since surgery. Long periods (which just started to get shorter) Peak-type mucus post-Peak (starting in the count of 3), sore bbs immediately after O out of nowhere (last cycle and now this cycle). So, it's been a little more difficult to create early pregnancy symptoms since I have virtually nothing to compare to now. Darn. My favorite 2WW past-time.

But anyway, just went to the bathroom and there it was. The ever elusive "could it be" implantation mucus. Now, from my Creighton courses, I did learn that some women get implantation mucus instead of implantation bleeding, around the same time implantation bleeding would occur. It's not as common, and actually, my Dr. rarely sees implantation bleeding, anyway- I think less than 1/5 of her patients have had it. So what are the chances, really, that I would be having something even less common? But the part that got me so excited (and you too, of course) is that I haven't had any other post-Peak peak type mucus this cycle. AND this time it's not the gummy (usually I would have a 10CGL or a 10C/KG or something of that nature). This time, stretchy, clear/cloudy, lubricative. Out of nowhere. On P+6.

I really should know by now that God has quite a sense of humor. Especially when it comes to me and the 2ww. It's like every time He senses that I'm getting impatient, or too "controlling" of my TTC, He'll throw a bunch of early pregnancy signs my way to remind me, "Hey, Missy! You think you know better than Me? You think things should happen in YOUR time, not Mine?" Ok, ok, I don't think God is intentionally cruel like that. But He does have a way of knocking some sense into me when I need it most.

I'm getting my b/w done on Monday. It always seems like I ovulate on a weekend! What's with that?!! My P+7 is usually on a Sunday, meaning I have to get it at P+8 instead. Weird.
Other symptoms this time around? Sore bbs (and they keep getting more sore, but that's no surprise if it's from Progesterone... my P4 should be peaking right around now. And I think my P4 tends to drop dramatically and rapidly in a day before AF, judging from past cycles when I used to temp). Also, my skin has been pretty good lately. No breakouts, and my chest and back are a lot smoother, too. That can all change the day before my period, too.

Tomorrow will be the 4th day in a Novena to St. Ann, and the 1st day of my Consecration to Mary. PLEASE, dear Lord, may these prayers bring me closer to Your glory, and bring special graces into my life (I needn't mention to most desired grace...)

Selfish Prayer Request

I went to Mass today... I've been meaning to start going as often as possible on the weekdays ever since school let out, but today was the first time I actually got my butt in gear to get up and go. Of course, not only was I the youngest person there, but I think I was probably the only one not on Medicare.

Basically I went for the obvious reason of wanting to be filled with Christ's love and life. I also went because I've had a few rough patches lately where I've been feeling sorry for myself, jealous of others (ex-bff primarily) and just generally mopey. Thirdly, I went because I've been trying so hard to get my priest to help me set up some sort of outreach of the Creighton Model in the church. So far, he's run my ad in the bulletin about 5 weeks in a row (around Easter). But of course, I didn't get any contacts because the little blurp barely contained enough information to pique anyone's interest. I really need to speak at the pulpit. I'd also like the Pre-Cana team to start referring people my way if they are interested in NFP (which, I think should be mandatory for Pre-Cana, but unfortunately our parish doesn't work that way). And lastly, I want to start up an Infertility Support Group, much like All You Who Hope has done in her parish. I think it's a fantastic idea, and I so wish I had it back when we were going through some of our roughest moments in TTC.

But of course, after Mass I didn't even approach my priest. I just felt like it would be wrong to "use" Mass as an excuse to get to talk to him one-on-one. I've sent him emails already, but I just think he had been so busy back then (Communions and Confirmations) that he has completely forgotten about them. But if I don't do something soon, then a) July will quickly pass by, and July is the perfect month for CrMS outreach... especially this year. It is the 40th Anniversary of Humanae Vitae. And b) I will not have enough clients to finish up my training, have my On-Site Visit, take my exam, and become a certified Practitioner. So bottom line? I need to talk to this priest!!
Please pray that the Holy Spirit will work through me to find the very best means of getting in touch with him, and also of working out a great outreach program through this parish.

In other news... P+4 today, and I am back to lots of pasty, cloudy. I know it's way early, but I just feel like my normal Post-Peak pattern can't be a good sign. Damn. But if it fails, I still have a shot of telling DH I'm pg by the time our 2nd Anniversary rolls around. August 19. I should be able to test by then next month. So it won't be a total loss. (Just trying to look for the bright side, though is there ever really a bright side to infertility?)

I also got the most amazing email update from my Practitioner today. She and her DH also battled primary IF, went to PPVI twice for surgery... and began foreign adoption proceedings last year. They are now in Russia picking up their little girl!! (This is the baby shower I just attended last month.) In the email, they said they weren't sure if she would remember them from the last time they saw her... not only did she remember them, but when she heard they were coming, she refused to eat her afternoon snack and waited outside the orphanage for them, holding the teddy bear they had given her the last time!! (Now tell me you aren't crying right now, isn't that the most precious thing ever?!!) Then, when the social worker came to evaluate them, she asked the little girl where her mommy was... and she ran to my friend :) :) :) I can't even fathom how that must have melted her heart!! I'm crying again just thinking about it! How blessed they are to have found her, and how blessed she is to have them for her parents! God is so good!

Please also keep them in your prayers as they have their FORMAL court date tomorrow.

Somehow I missed it

Ovulation, that is. Yesterday I had all of the "symptoms" of having already O'd. Sore bb's (again, rather early, but apparently not a sign since I had them right after O last month and no pregnancy), and also that full/painful feeling when I sit down. I figured out when I was on Clomid that this feeling was from all of the fluid around my endometrium... I only get it that intense when I'm on meds.

Yesterday's OPK was lighter than the previous 2 days, even though Saturday's was darker than Friday's... so I must have missed the surge sometime between Friday afternoon and Sunday afternoon. Peak (I think) was yesterday, and I've been dry all day today... also good news, since I generally a pasty, cloudy girl in the post-Peak phase. So I'm very happy that O seems to have correlated a little better with my Peak day this cycle, and may have been the day before or the day of Peak.

My acupuncture appt. went well today. My right ovary was particularly sensitive to the needle, which is weird, because I usually feel things on the left ovary (regardless of which ovary I O from).

That's all the news for today. I'm officially in the 2WW!

Quite the Surprise...

I was actually craving a BD session last night with DH! Imagine that! Seriously, I haven't wanted to BD just for the sake of intimacy for a looooong time. And ya know what? It was good! DH admitted afterwards that he "wasn't thinking about trying to conceive," almost like he felt guilty for it... but I really wasn't, either. Even though, yes, I had some great fertile CM, and yes, my OPK was still on the verge of being +, and yes, I immediately propped a pillow under my hips after recuperating, for optimum sperm travel. But DURING... it was just nice to finally be with DH again and be close like that without worrying about all the details of conception.

I called and made an acupuncture appointment for Monday morning. I had assumed I would ovulate late last night or early today, but my OPK still wasn't truly + yesterday. It will probably be + today, so tomorrow should be awesome timing for an acupuncture treatment.

Next week I begin my Consecration to Mary. (Look at that, I made a link!) I think DH will do it with me again this year. I can't help but think that all of the pieces are falling into place this cycle... of course, my hopes always tend to get high around the time of ovulation, but this cycle just means SO much to me. It is the THIRD cycle post-NaPro surgery ("3rd time's a charm"), it is my FIRST Femara cycle (I've heard so many success stories for the 1st Femara cycle, including "and not by sight"), and my birthday is on the 25th, so I will be able to test by or on my birthday. I still have SO much faith that the surgery has healed me of my infertility, and I blame bad timing on the failure of the last 2 cycles. I am READY, God! Please bless my DH and I with the greatest gift of life!!

Take me off your prayer list...

because I am truly on my way to hell. Really, I just ordered my first-class tickets, since I'm so sure that's my final destination. (Actually, if it's hell, it'd probably be economy. Or a really crowded smoking-car of a train.)

Remember that couple I was telling you about, the guy who sings in my a cappella group and his wife? And how jealous I was that they were pregnant? Well, after a week-long scare with cramps and bleeding (and different Drs telling her different things and giving her different doses of progesterone, but never injections), she lost the baby on Sunday. One day, heartbeat. Next day, none. I feel so incredibly horrible that I was so jealous. But it was more than that. I actually felt hateful feelings towards them... and towards God (yes, I'm admitting this), when I learned she was pregnant.

But finding out about this girl's loss today just broke my heart. And made me realize that I should never, EVER pass judgement on someone's life. I also learned that this was her 3rd m/c. I want so badly to be able to help her, now, and I only hope that in doing so God will forgive me for the way I reacted to her news in the beginning.

Now. Here's the tough part. I have not yet been able to successfully reach out to people who have had a miscarriage and tell them about NaPro. Most people I "know" that have had miscarriages are online, and while I've certainly mentioned it to them, I can't fully "sell" it without seeing them in person and showing them the NaPro brochures. Does anyone have any ideas about how I can approach this girl (which I obviously won't do until a few weeks, maybe a month has passed)? I want to introduce her to NaPro, because I just know in my heart of hearts that with successful NaPro treatment PRE-pregnancy, she can go on to carry full term. How can I do this without seeming "preachy?" Should I loan her the book Women Healed before anything else? Or should I just talk to her about NaPro statistics? Which would be the least pushy, but also the most effective?