Monday, June 30, 2008

Badly-Timed Fights

So, this is inspired by a comment made by All You Who Hope. She mentioned that she usually has her arguments with DH on fertile days, and thought that was rather odd. Well in my case, not only do I have big, nasty fights with DH on fertile days, but usually literally right before we... . And 99% of the time it's ME who initiates the fight. I think it started around a year ago...

Now that probably sounds rather self-defeatist, especially for someone trying desperately to get pregnant. Why would I sabotage the act that leads to the fertilization of my egg? Crazy, right? At first I thought the same thing. I thought maybe it was my suconscious way of admitting that I was not ready for pregnancy. But that didn't seem to make sense, especially since getting pregnant is all my conscious mind can think about every waking minute. Then it came to me. After a few months of these nasty fights, which would sometimes result in no sex, and oftentimes result in mandatory sex (every TTCer knows what mandatory sex is like), it dawned on me that if I picked a fight with DH, then at least at the end of the month when my period came again I would have a reason for failure outside of myself and my body. "Oh, well it didn't work this month because we didn't end up having sex on that day" or "Well, I know that the swimmers probably weren't at their best on such-and-such night, due to the circumstances." Total defense mechanism. There's only so much insult my poor little body can take, and after a year of failure known to be mine, I just had to come up with some way to protect her.

I don't know how many of you do the same thing. But this week, I'm going to try my very best to NOT pick a fight with DH. I started to have stretchy, clear mucus yesterday and today (CD 9 and 10), which is early for me, but I'll definitely take it! I may even be able to get that u/s on Thursday at Dr. J's office (she originally said it would probably be pointless since I may not be close to Oing by then, and she's leaving for a week on Friday). Wish me luck with an early (on time for most people) O! And of course, no pre-game fight.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Day 7

It is currently Day 7 of the Cycle in which I will conceive my very first baby :) (See that, I'm back to my positive thinking already!) And if we're speaking in gestational terms, then I am already 7 days pregnant :) Or 4 or 5, because I don't think I've ever ovulated on day 14 in my life.

So far with the Femara, I've noticed the past 2 nights I've been rather warm. Not as bad as the hot flashes on Clomid, but definitely a change from the past 2 cycles. I guess that just means it's working. I'm still on my period, but it's light now. After the surgery I have had really long periods, so I'm hoping this one will be a bit shorter and more normal for me.

For those of you NaPro patients out there who have used Femara (Letrozole), did you take it just in one dose, also? This is what Dr. S.tegman wanted me to do, and Dr. J confirmed. Apparently they want you to take it in one dose on Day 2 of the cycle, because they want it all in you as soon as possible while at the same time ensuring there is no pregnancy. After all of my research online, I've found that most other Drs just seem to Rx it for the same days at Clomid (5-9 or 3-7), and not all in one dose. I wonder if it makes a stronger ovulation if you take it all at once...? Anyone have any ideas?

I WILL conceive this cycle, I WILL! July will mark my 23rd month of TTC. It will also mark my 27th birthday (the 25th). If my calculations are correct, even if I ovulate a tad later on Femara, I should still be able to test by my birthday. And my due date if I conceive will be right around the time Spring is starting next year :) I just love that idea. Now, I may not be able to make DH a daddy by the time he turns 30 (March 28), it will be cutting it a bit close for that... but I had an image a few months ago, right around the time of my surgery. It was like a daydream, but much more vivid (I don't know if that makes any sense... it was like a dream you have while sleeping, but I was awake at the time). Anyway, in this vision I was pushing a stroller around my neighborhood in NY where I grew up. Inside the stroller was by beautiful little baby (not a toddler, it was definitely small). For some reason I just FELT so strongly that the image was sent to me from above, as an assurance that I would be living that dream next Spring. Now, maybe it has some other meaning that I have not quite figured out... maybe next Spring is the time that our baby will be born, but we will be adopting him/her a little later in life... or maybe it means I will have a baby in Springtime, but not necessarily next Spring... but I can't shake the overwhelming feeling that it was meant to be our biological child, NEXT Spring 2009.

Also to note, I just LOVE baptisms in the weeks after Easter :) Obviously, you can't baptize during Lent, and our due date would be a little before Easter 2009. So we may be able to baptize on the 2nd or 3rd Sunday of Easter! The way our parish does it is so nice, too... they incorporate baptisms into the regular Mass on those Sundays, so that the entire parish is involved in welcoming the newest members. I would love to baptize our baby like that. Though I'm also torn about it... I would also love to have the priest that married us baptize our first child in the church where we were married (in NY). Well, I have plenty of time to think more on that subject.

Something tells me this will be a fantastic summer for all of us :)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Femara

Just got another referral today for new clients :) I'm hoping to keep myself very busy with Creighton Model stuff this summer... it will also serve to keep me from jumping off the nearest cliff if my "Pregnant by 26" goal doesn't quite come to fruition.

So how did I spend my day? First, I sat down to do those Italian interviews I wrote about a while ago (translating for a friend). After rewinding and listening to the same response about 57 times, I finally realized, "Hey. Maybe my Italian has gone down the flusher." I am so not able to do this anymore, which is so sad :( We called my hubby's friend in Italy to see if he could help us out. I'm also going to email my friend to see if she'd like to make a few extra $$ (it actually is a really easy assignment if you can hear the answers... but the people speak so fast that I can only understand the interviewER... and that doesn't help me.) So hopefully between the 2 of them, I'll be able to get this done and successfully NOT screw over my friend, who needs them by early next week.

Then, I spent the remainder of the day googling "Femara success, pregnancy" and variations of those 3 words. Surprisingly, most success stories that I've read or heard about on Femara occured in the FIRST MONTH of use. In-ter-est-ing. Now, I'm not saying I'll be that lucky... I'm just stating the facts, people ;)

OK, and now here's the not-so-great news, which makes me feel so incredibly horrible, and like I should just jump in my handbasket right now and press the button for hell: the friend I told you about in my singing group? He didn't come to rehearsal last night. Why? His wife had a "medical emergency" which I come to find out later was cramping and heavy bleeding. She had an early miscarriage a couple of years ago, before they were married. I can't BELIEVE I was so heartless and selfish when I found out she was pregnant. If you have a moment, would you please say a prayer that everything is ok with the baby? I also hope that I can talk her into going to see Dr. J, because I'm sorry, I don't care how much some Drs claim to be the "best" for at-risk pregnancies, no one values life like a NaPro Dr. I know Dr. J can help her, I just know it.

Oh bummer, I'm missing So You Think You Can Dance!!! Gotta run...

Monday, June 23, 2008

Here's What Probably Happened

I think I ovulated 2 days after my Peak Day. I finally have a heavy flow today, with the most scanty spotting EVER at P+15 (two instances of 6BG, that I would have missed easily if not checking every 5 minutes), and then PBC AD at P+16. I counted yesterday as CD 2, and started my Femara (I assumed I wouldn't have 3 days of spotting, since my hormone levels were fine.)

But here's the evidence that I may have ovulated later than Peak. First, AF was definitely "late," if going solely by my Peak Day. I just got my hormone levels back from Dr. J, and they were in fact increasing from P+6 to P+8 and even to P+10. Also, my OPKs were + on Peak Day and the day after (then I stopped taking them). Finally, my temps for my thyroid sheet did jump up after day 18, which was P+2. (If I plug in my +OPK dates on Fertility Friend, it does change my O date to CD 18.)

Now, this actually makes me feel a little better. Why? Because now have a good reason why it didn't work last cycle. We selected P-1 and P+1. On P+1, there was no good cm for the little swimmers, so they would have died within hours if there was no egg ready and waiting for them. Then, on P+2 (when I likely O'd), there may have not been many left from 3 days before.

So my plan for this cycle is to use Pre-Seed in the count of 3, just in case something like this happens again. DH also said he wants to go full-speed ahead for 4 days before Peak and 4 days after, lol! Hopefully the Femara will help my CM line up better with my ovulation, though.

This is my last chance at a pregnancy by age 26! And I begin my renewal-Consecration to Mary in mid-July, too... I know Mary will lead me through this next month, no matter what happens.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

15dpo and still a no-show

I've never had a longer post-Peak phase (LP) than 14 days before my surgery. And I could only even achieve a real post-Peak phase on meds before that... so this is definately weird. Why can't she just start so I can get on with my life? Must she ruin my plans for margaritas tonight, too? (She didn't ruin my excessive punch-drinking at the shower, however, lol!)

My temp this morning was 98.9! WHAT is going on?! My breasts are still sore, too... all of this is normal, I usually don't get the temp drop and the non-sore bbs until the morning she arrives, but why does she have to be so late? I want to pop my fertility drugs, dammit! The only sign that she may be on her way is a little bit of "tinged" creamy mucus when I wipe today. It's like dark-ish yellow. I still haven't received my levels from the b/w series... I called the office to see what they were on P+10, because if they were really high at that point, then at least I could expect AF to be late. Whatever.

I did have a fantastic time at the shower yesterday. It was an amazing turnout, and my friend was so happy. My gift rocked, too :) I did a summer/beach theme, and gave her a basket of swimmy diapers, 2-piece bathing suit, sunscreen, sun hat, sunglasses... and then this gorgeous sundress that I couldn't pass up. Everyone got her such adorable things, this little girl is already so loved by our church community. (We held the shower in the church hall. My friend works as the church secretary, so pretty much everyone in attendance was a parishioner.)

Oh, and happy Summer everyone! Here's to our Summer BFPs!

Friday, June 20, 2008

BFN

I don't know why I do this. Why bother? Obviously God doesn't deem me fit to be a mother, so why am I even trying to defy Him?

Well at least I have the shower to take my mind off of things this afternoon. And I better get used to baby showers for adoption, since that's where I'm headed.

I hope everyone else has a better day. Of course, my period hasn't even come yet so that I can at least take my Femara. This just sucks.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

My Temps

OK, so I decided to punch my temps into Fertility Friend's website (I'm really not a fan of that website in general... especially being a CrMS Practitioner now, I realize how messed up it is to have something like that online without the tailored follow-ups to help women identify possible issues. These BBT charts assume that every thermal shift indicates ovulation, when obviously, we know better.)
But anyway, I figured what the heck. And looking at it, it actually looks pretty darn good!! FF tells me it's "possibly triphasic," as well, which means that I had a 2nd thermal shift after the time of possible implantation. (If you click on the x, it will bring you to the webpage.) Sorry I'm not more technologically gifted.

I also threw up a little 2 days ago, after eating some cherry tomatoes. Very weird, but maybe the acidity bothered my stomach? (No, it wasn't salmonella, either.) And I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst cramps... a cross between period cramps and bad gas pain. Could have sworn period would be here this morning, I even put on a pad... but nothing yet. She's technically due tomorrow or Saturday. Maybe I'll test tomorrow. I'm scared to. I'm scared not to. Ack! Help!!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Apparently I'm Bored

...though I don't even see how that can be possible. I have so much work to do, on this house, on the office (for my new business!), plus I'm supposed to start translating some documents for my friend who works at a bio-technological firm that tests pharmaceuticals... clearly not my area of expertise, but I did major in Italian, and they need me to translate the interviews with the Italian pharmacists and Drs. Last year I did the same project for this friend, and the product they were interviewing about happened to be some kind of penis spray to maintain an erection, like a spray-on Viagra. Even with my degree in Italian, I got a whole new Italian vocabulary after that assignment.

I just went for my P+7 b/w. This month my Dr had me get P+5, P+7, and P+9. I have 3 separate Rx sheets with what kinds of tests she wanted on each day. Of course, being a woman approaching her 3rd year of TTC, I read through all of the sheets to see exactly what I'm getting done. P+5 (more or less 5 dpo for you non-Creightoners) was just the basic progesterone and estradiol level check. Today's, P+7, was a bunch of stuff, including P4 and E2, testosterone, free T4, T3, vitamin D-3, Iron and IBC, Androgens, and a couple other things I forget now. And my P+9 b/w calls for (ready for this?): P4, E2, and an hCG Quantitative. Now, my Dr never mentioned she was throwing this last one in there... was she trying to sneak one by me? She probably just wants to see if I'm pregnant as soon as possible so if need be she can put me on P4 injections, but how could she think I wouldn't read these Rxs?!
Oh, and since the original P+7 (7dpo) date fell on a Sunday when LabCorp is closed, she told me to push everything back one day, so that we still get a clear every-other-day picture of my hormone levels. So technically, the hCG will be at P+10, or 10 dpo (Monday.) I am so nervous. It'll suck next week to NOT get a call from my Dr's office with the results :(

So, as I go in to LabCorp for about the millionth time today, the woman who is always there finally recognizes me (she never has before, even though I'm there every month). She asks me as she sticks the needle practically into my bone (she butchers me every time, I think LabCorp must have found her on the streets and gave her a good home) "Are you trying to get pregnant?" Um, yeah, lady. Just like I told you last June when you asked, and then again last December when you asked. Then she continues to insult my veins ("This one's really not a good one!") and poke and prod around under my skin. Finally she finishes (is it any surprise that she takes about twice as long as the nurse at my Dr's office?) and pushes her little piece of gauze on the puncture wound. And what's with the masking tape they put on your arm? Just because my insurance covers b/w in full, does that mean I shouldn't be entitled to a good old-fashioned band-aid? It's bad enough she leaves me black and blue every single time, but then I have the added discomfort of yanking off all of my arm-hair in a 3" x 3/4" area? I see the cute little Garfield band-aids sitting right there on the table, so I know you have them. Seriously, masking tape? LabCorp is a bunch of sadists.

So now I have this lovely experience to look forward to again on Monday, third time in a week. Except after Monday I'll be holding my breath for the next few days waiting for the call that I know won't be coming from my Dr. Usually her office will call me with any b/w results (for the progesterone levels), but the office will be closed through Monday while the Dr is still getting back from Rome. Plus, last month I had to wait a long time to get my P+7 results because the office system is going completely computerized, and they are adjusting to some labs still sending in results via fax. Not to mention, I know my Dr will be extremely busy catching up with all other patients come Tuesday, after being away so long. So I don't expect a call with my P4 results... that being said, I do know that if she saw a positive beta result for me, she would call me personally, and immediately. "No news is bad news" for me next week.

I'm already thinking of what kind of drink I'd like next week to celebrate my inability to get pregnant. Maybe a margarita... mmm.

OH, and in more positive news- - Maybe If You Just Relax just got her long-awaited BFP!!! Please keep her, her DH, and the little bean/s in your prayers!! :) Congrats, Jen!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Gearing Up for Disappointment

So, I always try to do something a little special for myself every month, something that I wouldn't be able to do or couldn't do if I were pregnant or had children. For example, when my period shows, I'll have a drink with dinner or go out for sushi. (I used to have a few drinks. At home. By myself. And that's when I realized, whoa, Baaaad habit to get into!)

Anyway, this month I just haven't been feelin' it. The only think slightly "odd" about this cycle is that I have had sore breasts since literally the day after ovulation (P+1). The earliest I've started that symptom in the past was LAST month when I had them at P+7. And at that point, I was convinced I was pregnant. But it was low progesterone. So I can only assume there's some other-than-pregnancy related reason why they have been sore this time, too.

So, yesterday I decided to go shopping at my favorite catalogue- - the Victoria's Secret Swim Clearance! If I can't sport a pregnant belly this summer, then I'll at least sport my "body you wish you could get back but can't cuz you've popped out a kid or two already." Take that, preggos! I got a yellow bikini, a white bikini (both very cute and can also be mis-matched to wear together), a black miracle bra bikini (sometimes a girl needs a little help), and a brown one-piece miracle bra suit (ok, this girl needs help pretty much all the time). Hey, but at least my boobs are still perky and not droopy from breastfeeding! (See that, there's always a silver lining!)

Point being- I'm prepared for this cycle to end. Not like I'll be singing and dancing in the streets or anything, but at least I have my Vicki Se's package to look forward to.

In other news... so I know my Drs have advised me that my first couple cycles post-surgery would be funky... but I can't help but compare this one to the last one. First, the whole boob thing is throwing me off. Second, I had some weird post-Peak peak-type mucus last cycle and none this cycle. (Last cycle is was definately not my fertile mucus, but it was very stretchy, gummy, and yellow/cloudy). This month, only a day of 8C in the count of 3, then everything else has been a green stamp. (Not dry, mind you, but sticky pasty cloudy. I have that all the time in my post-Peak, and since it's vaginal, I've moved to green stamps for its charting.) I guess if I were looking for good signs of this cycle (which I'm NOT! My word, I gasp at the suggestion!!), then the "dry" days with only vaginal mucus is probably good... but let's not get our hopes up. After all, I want to be able to fit into the bathing suits I just spent $200 on!

As for my mood, things have been getting better, slowly but surely. Thank you, All You Who Hope, for putting things in perspective for me. Sometimes I feel like I've come so far, and then on those few bad days I feel like I literally go back to my darkest hour of infertility. I've blogged before about all of the blessings in my life, especially as they relate to my infertility and how much help and hope they have afforded me during this time of my life. Well, here is one more. All of you. Readers and fellow-bloggers, you have all been so supportive. In my short time of being part of this "blogosphere" (hey, I'm catching on to the lingo already!) you have all truly welcomed me and been such good friends. And I do consider you all friends :) So, thanks.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Sour Mood...

I rarely cry anymore. Ever since I reached that "better place" in this whole TTC journey. But I still do get those bouts of jealousy from time to time, not to mention bitterness towards those women who complain that they've been trying for "6 whole months!" You know the ones. Blech.

I wish it didn't have to be like this. I wish I could be genuinely happy for people when they announce their pregnancy. Most of the time (no lie), I have been. For my good friend, for example, when she got pg with her 2nd, I was very excited for her. But I think I get jealous over the ones that get pg with their FIRST before us. (That's excluding all of my internet friends who are also suffering from infertility, of course.) It especially irks me to find out that those people weren't even trying.

So we had a singing rehearsal, today, and the last member of the group aside from me who didn't have kids announced that he and his wife were expecting. I already knew this since the week before I saw her showing off her u/s picture to another friend of ours. But the part that pissed me off is that we had a short little thunderstorm while at rehearsal, and he gets a call from his wife and decides to bail out to go home to her. Why? "She's very hormonal and scared right now... you all know how it is." Um, you may want to re-phrase that, buddy. No, I don't know what early pregnancy hormonal is all about... but if you think HER hormones are whacky, try getting fertility treatments for almost 2 years!! I can guarantee you that my hCG injections, crazy progesterone and estradiol levels, and thyroid system hormones can beat her measly early pregnancy hormones any day. And if you still beg to differ, talk to my husband.

I absolutely hate feeling like this. Competitive and defensive about my fertility. It's almost like second nature these days. For example, we went on a farm field trip today, and the woman at the farm was talking about how she had been married 30 years, and she had an almost 28 yr old son, etc. etc. I immediately did the math to figure out, was this a case of waiting a year to get pg or did she TTC right after marriage and experience problems? I'm constantly comparing my fertility to others, even to people I don't know! It's insane!

I have not prayed any novenas or special request prayers in a while. I know I need to pray about this. Some days, though, all I can think about is how I am not pregnant. Today is one of those days. :(

Thursday, June 5, 2008

New Clients!

So I got my first referrals from Dr. J today, for new Creighton Model clients :) I'm stoked! The Intro I just scheduled will be for a new client that is neither related to me nor a friend nor a co-worker! (After the 1st Education Phase, we needed to get a minimum of 6 clients before Education Phase II... let's just say it's a good thing I have 3 sisters!) So my "business" is finally taking off now. I'll be super busy next week getting the office ready upstairs. We live, right now, in a large 2-bedroom apartment which is attached to my in-laws' house. Not the ideal living situation for the daughter-in-law/mother and father-in-law relationship, but it does allow us a fenced-in backyard, a porch, a garden, and a swimming pool that we would definitely not be able to afford if we were to look for properties right now... but I'm getting off on a tangent.

There are 2 apartments upstairs, as well, a studio and a 1-bedroom. The 1-bedroom has recently been furnished for my husband's and his father's business (they used to work out of the main house). But now with the Creighton Model FertilityCare Center, I'll also be using that office. I ordered a whole bunch of materials, mostly brochures and a couple of copies of the book "Women Healed" from the Pope Paul VI Institute, so that at any given time I can give the information to any clients that need it. I can't wait for my order to come in the mail!

In the meantime, somewhere between the end of the school year, fertility treatments, rehearsals with my singing group, residual TTC depression, and just plain ol' "summer is approaching" laziness, my house has become a DISASTER!! Seriously, it's embarrassing. I have a lot of work to do in order to get this place looking halfway decent. I will finally have time to do that after the 20th (last day of school). The 20th is also the date of my Practitioner's Baby Shower, which I am SO excited for, as well as a possible testing date for me (I thought it may be cool to test on the day of her shower which is in my hometown, and then while I'm at my parents' house that weekend I can make the announcement to my family). Of course, I always have these dreams of how and when to tell people, every month, just in case. I feel that it keeps me focused, with my eyes on the prize so to speak. It doesn't get me upset in the least, so it's technically not getting my hopes up like I vowed not to do this cycle. If I don't get my act together and ovulate soon, though (correction: if my ovaries don't get their act together), then the 20th may end up being too early to test :( Then again, if I have a 10-day post-Peak phase again, I won't even make it until the 20th.

Well, one thing's for sure. I will have absolutely no reason to test if I don't start USING some of these fertile days I've been having this week... so on that note, I am signing off ;) ;)

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Cycle Update

Let me preface this blog by denying that I am a stalker of All You Who Hope... but if you read her blog, you'll see why I'm saying that right off the bat now ;)

Yesterday, I had my first peak-type mucus observation of the cycle. It was also accompanied with brownish mucus, which is definately out of the ordinary for me. I think I only spotted ONCE around O time in the past, but that spotting was more pink/red, to my recollection. Anyway, this was just really weird, it reminded me of pre-menstrual spotting. I do know that bleeding associated with O can either come before O or after O, because it can be breakthrough estrogen bleeding (from high levels of estrogen pre-O) or withdrawal estrogen bleeding (when the estrogen drops off rapidly right at O or slightly after). So I'm not really concerned about it, but I just wish my body were more predictable after the surgery. Maybe I shouldn't overlook that I am much more "regular" now, and let's not discount the fact that I'm Oing without meds (yippee!!)... plus, this is only my second cycle post-surgery, maybe things will start to normalize more in a couple more months.

I am not going to invest so much in this cycle. Last month I did, and it was devastating. This time, I already have a plan for next month, and I've heard such great things about Letrozole working for people in the first couple of months, so right now my heart is just set on getting a July BFP (that's big fat positive, as in a positive home pregnancy test, for those of you who may not be trying to conceive).

Back to my mucus. Haha. (Stop reading now if you don't like vivid images of other people's vaginal discharges.) I have always had what I considered to be very "fertile" peak-type mucus, too. Stretchy, crystal clear, and lubricative. But yesterday's and today's were much more "gummy" than usual. Not as gummy as the picture of yellow gummy in the Picture Dictionary, but more like fresh rubber cement right out of the jar. It was so THICK in consistency, I had a hard time lifting it off the tissue to finger test (even though there was a LOT of it). When I finally succeeded, I noticed it was impossible to "break up"... this stuff was like bullet-proof armour for my cervix! Today's was not quite as tough, but it was still gummy in nature (yet very lubricative).
Any of you NaPro surgery girls out there get odd Peak-Type mucus in the months after your surgery?

Ok, enough about my cervix and its products.

I'm so tired of feeling like my physical relationship with my husband is a chore... I know there is something so beautiful and wonderful about selecting days of fertility for intercourse. We are acknowledging our fertility, and opening our marriage to the gift of life through God's will, and "possibly" procreating with Him every time we select those days. But lately (or even longer), it just feels like we are going through the motions, all of the tried and true rituals of conception. I hate that. I don't want my baby to be conceived that way, but at the same time, I don't know how to make it any better. The fact remains that there are certain days we are fertile, so we MUST use those days if we want to achieve... and after that, the pressure of it all just makes it seem like a science experiment. If anyone has any suggestions on how to improve this, I'd appreciate it.

So, hopefully I will O by this weekend. Monday would be even better, though, since I have an acupuncture appt. that day. I'll keep you updated, and of course, I'll be blogging more during the 2ww to keep my mind off things.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Perspective

I showed up to work this morning, walked into the main office to sign in, and noticed the Principal whispering with some of the other teachers and the secretary. The atmosphere was completely sombre... I didn't stick around, I figured it didn't concern me, and if I was meant to know, I'd know soon anyway (that's how a school works, word spreads like wildfire).

Sure enough, I got to the classroom, the lead teacher was not around, and the Aide in the room next to mine came in with the news. The young father of one of my students was killed in a Quad accident this past weekend. I was just stunned speechless... this family is just a picture of perfection- both the mother and father owned businesses (the mother owns the Spa in town), they have a son in 2nd grade and a daughter in our Kindergarten class- the kids are just the sweetest, most cordial and well-mannered kids ever. They go on all kinds of trips together as a family, and every member of the family is just a joy to be around.

When the Aide gave me the news, she kept saying, "They had everything. I mean it, everything. And now what? What is it all worth?" That remark really hit home for me. I don't understand why something like this would happen, but I know that it's not something we can ever truly understand while we're here on Earth. But when I look at this tragedy, and think about how this family will go on, I think of how selfish I have been. Here I am, wanting, wanting, wanting... envying families like this one, who seemingly "had it all." But would I trade losing my husband, the father of my children, for a chance to have a baby? If we had to suffer the same kind of loss in order to get what it is we "want," would we still want it?

I just can't make sense of this. My heart just ACHES for this little girl (I didn't know her brother very well, but let me tell you, this girl was just an angel. All smiles, smart, beautiful singing voice, one of those kids for whom you write, "Was a joy to have in class" on their report card.) How can she possibly understand why her father was taken from her? Will she be able to keep the memories she had of him throughout her life, or will they fade in a few years??

If you will, please keep this family in your prayers.