Had my appt. with Dr. J today. First one since the surgery (4/4/08). Of course, I just saw her at the Creighton Model Practitioner training, so it doesn't feel like I haven't seen her since March, but when we got there I realized just how much we had to catch up on.
I asked about the hair loss thing. It is most likely related to my thyroid. I don't know if that means I'll have to increase my dose of T3 or what... I'm on 15 mcgs twice a day now. But she wants me to do another cycle (starting today) of taking temps, just to see where we are in terms of that. Then, we're doing a mini-hormone series in the post-Peak phase to get a clearer idea of what's going on at that stage of the cycle... she's ordered bloodwork on P+5, 7 and 9. DH is going to get another seminal fluid analysis, to see if the Proxeed Plus "ingredients" have been helping at all (we bought the vitamins OTC online at a discount vitamin place, SO much cheaper than Proxeed). And we will start Letrozole next cycle, on CD 2.
She did mention that she's never personally had anyone get pregnant on Letrozole, but then again, she hasn't used it too much ever since drug companies were asking that it not be used for infertility (it's actually a breast cancer drug). But, she said the 3 clients that she had using it had not yet had surgery, AND once they were post-surgery, their prognosis was not as "good" as mine, and they have still yet to conceive. So I guess that means I have a chance with the Letrozole.
Finally, at the end of the appt, she asked if I had any other questions. I said, "Um, yeah. Just one last professional question. Now that I'm in SPII (Supervised Practicum II), do you need any Practitioners that you can refer patients to??" She immediately smiled (we had talked about the possibility of me working with the office back in November when I first started the course... but she said to wait until SPII since I would be more equipped to handle the harder-to-manage charts at that point). She got me some paperwork and W2s, and said we'll have an "office meeting" when she gets back from Rome!! I knew I lost my job for a reason. I mean, this isn't going to be a huge money-maker or anything, but at least I'll be doing something that I'm passionate about, and also able to feature NaPro Technology at my center :) I'm so excited!!!
In other news, my Practitioner (who went through surgery at the PPVI Institute, but had a lot more medical issues than I) is finalizing her Russian adoption in June, and will hopefully be getting her little girl in July!!! She already made a trip to Russia to meet her, and she is soooo precious. She's 3 years old. We are having a shower for her next month, I can hardly wait!!!!
Can't stay on too long tonight, LOST is on soon! I'm kind of addicted to that show. And tomorrow night SATC the movie opens! What a great week this turned out to be... I do believe the light is starting to filter in through this dark tunnel of mine :) Just goes to show, never give up hope. Trust in the Lord, and you will never be let down.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Grandma
So at the very end of my Creighton Model course, my Grandma went into the hospital. They weren't sure initially what had happened... all I knew is that my Mom had found her in a comotose state (she lives 5 miles from my parents' house). It ended up being pneumonia. She recuperated so quickly, it's just miraculous what the power of prayer can do. I remember the feeling of utter relief last Thursday, after I got the boot from work, came home and saw "spot" in the bathroom, then checked my messages and it was my Mom... at first I almost dropped to the floor, expecting her to say that something terrible had happened (given all that had happened in the past 1/2 hr), but to hear her say, "Grandma's doing so much better today" just made me feel like nothing else mattered. I don't know what I would have done if I couldn't at least tell her I was pregnant before she left this world. She has been praying so hard for us, to St. Anne and St. Anthony (her patron Saint). My Mom, Dad, sisters, and she are the only ones in my family that know about our infertility. No cousins, Aunts, Uncles.
Anyway. She was released from the hospital on Memorial Day (Monday). I had the day off of work, so I helped my Mom clean her house, go pick her up, get her situated back at home, and work out a system for all of her prescriptions. You would have thought I majored in Prescription Medication in college, with how quickly I managed to devise a plan for all of her meds. But with all the pills I've been popping for the past year, it's no surprise.
When we first got her to the house, my Mom went out to pick up all of the meds while I took her upstairs to get changed, washed up, etc. When we reached the bathroom, she sat down and started getting very emotional and sentimental. She kept saying, "Where would I be without my family?" Then she started to talk about how she wasn't quite ready to leave yet, and God must have given her all of her children (4), grandchildren (10) and greatgrandchild (1) to look after her since He wasn't ready for her yet. She looked at me and said, "And I want to be here for your blessing." It took everything I had not to break down right there. I've come to realize that I have no control over when and if I ever get pregnant... and I just don't know if I'll ever be able to give my grandma what it is she's been praying for :( It breaks my heart.
This whole situation with my grandmother falling ill so quickly, then getting better so quickly, really made me think about prayer. I've always been told that no prayer goes unanswered, and I started to think about how it is my prayers, and the prayers offered up for me, have been answered. Obviously, I do not have the blessing of a child or even a pregnancy yet. But when I think about it, it becomes SO CLEAR to me that this whole infertility journey has been full of answered prayers. Let me explain.
Here's the scenario of how our infertility could have panned out:
We get married. Try to conceive for 1 year, unsuccessful the entire time because, unbeknownst to us, I am not ovulating. No Dr will agree to meet with us until after that year, however. Throughout that year, we get in countless amounts of arguments, all fueled by our insecurities surrounding our fertility.
After 1 year, we have some tests performed. Blood tests, perhaps, at certain days of my "cycle." Maybe, if I had a somewhat skilled Dr, it would be determined that I was not ovulating, so I'd be put on Clomid. Unmonitored, of course, and I'd probably go up to 200mgs in a couple of months. After 6 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, they'd send me to check my tubes with an HSG. (This step would only be offered upon insistence that we would not do IVF, otherwise, that would probably be the next step offered to us. They may even say that IVF was our "only chance" without even checking for other problems first.) The HSG would show clear tubes (as mine did, because they are not able to measure the pressure in the tubes and detect partial blockages with a regular HSG), but the Dr would notice I had a stenotic cervix. He would immediately suggest an IUI, and not knowing too much about the Church's doctrine on IUI, we may actually have tried it (we would be at about 2 years TTC at this point). We would either fail all of the IUIs or achieve a pregnancy and then lose it, because my endometriosis was never diagnosed or treated.
So, given this possible scenario, my current situation is so clearly a manifestation of all of the prayers people have been offering up for me and my husband, and our prayers, as well. I've already mentioned how I was blessed to be introduced to the Creighton Model before we were even married, and how we are blessed to live so close to a NaPro Technology Dr (whom I began seeing only 3 months after starting TTC). But another fact is that I have avoided all of the unnecessary heartache, pain, frustration, and embarrassment involved in TTC with artificial reproductive technologies, and being assisted by Drs who are not motivated by life but by money. I have avoided having recurrent miscarriages and not understanding why my body was failing me. These are God's answers to our prayers. Thank you for letting me see that so clearly now!
My appt. with Dr. J is tomorrow. I suppose we'll come up with a game plan for the next few months. I also need to ask her why it is I lose so much hair in the shower and when I'm combing... does this happen to anyone else? I mean, with the # of vitamins I take, you'd think I'd have the world's strongest hair and nail follicles! It's bad enough I get acne breakouts that rival a 13 yr old boy. But now I'm going to be balding, too?? I'll give you an update after my appt. Wish me luck!
Anyway. She was released from the hospital on Memorial Day (Monday). I had the day off of work, so I helped my Mom clean her house, go pick her up, get her situated back at home, and work out a system for all of her prescriptions. You would have thought I majored in Prescription Medication in college, with how quickly I managed to devise a plan for all of her meds. But with all the pills I've been popping for the past year, it's no surprise.
When we first got her to the house, my Mom went out to pick up all of the meds while I took her upstairs to get changed, washed up, etc. When we reached the bathroom, she sat down and started getting very emotional and sentimental. She kept saying, "Where would I be without my family?" Then she started to talk about how she wasn't quite ready to leave yet, and God must have given her all of her children (4), grandchildren (10) and greatgrandchild (1) to look after her since He wasn't ready for her yet. She looked at me and said, "And I want to be here for your blessing." It took everything I had not to break down right there. I've come to realize that I have no control over when and if I ever get pregnant... and I just don't know if I'll ever be able to give my grandma what it is she's been praying for :( It breaks my heart.
This whole situation with my grandmother falling ill so quickly, then getting better so quickly, really made me think about prayer. I've always been told that no prayer goes unanswered, and I started to think about how it is my prayers, and the prayers offered up for me, have been answered. Obviously, I do not have the blessing of a child or even a pregnancy yet. But when I think about it, it becomes SO CLEAR to me that this whole infertility journey has been full of answered prayers. Let me explain.
Here's the scenario of how our infertility could have panned out:
We get married. Try to conceive for 1 year, unsuccessful the entire time because, unbeknownst to us, I am not ovulating. No Dr will agree to meet with us until after that year, however. Throughout that year, we get in countless amounts of arguments, all fueled by our insecurities surrounding our fertility.
After 1 year, we have some tests performed. Blood tests, perhaps, at certain days of my "cycle." Maybe, if I had a somewhat skilled Dr, it would be determined that I was not ovulating, so I'd be put on Clomid. Unmonitored, of course, and I'd probably go up to 200mgs in a couple of months. After 6 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, they'd send me to check my tubes with an HSG. (This step would only be offered upon insistence that we would not do IVF, otherwise, that would probably be the next step offered to us. They may even say that IVF was our "only chance" without even checking for other problems first.) The HSG would show clear tubes (as mine did, because they are not able to measure the pressure in the tubes and detect partial blockages with a regular HSG), but the Dr would notice I had a stenotic cervix. He would immediately suggest an IUI, and not knowing too much about the Church's doctrine on IUI, we may actually have tried it (we would be at about 2 years TTC at this point). We would either fail all of the IUIs or achieve a pregnancy and then lose it, because my endometriosis was never diagnosed or treated.
So, given this possible scenario, my current situation is so clearly a manifestation of all of the prayers people have been offering up for me and my husband, and our prayers, as well. I've already mentioned how I was blessed to be introduced to the Creighton Model before we were even married, and how we are blessed to live so close to a NaPro Technology Dr (whom I began seeing only 3 months after starting TTC). But another fact is that I have avoided all of the unnecessary heartache, pain, frustration, and embarrassment involved in TTC with artificial reproductive technologies, and being assisted by Drs who are not motivated by life but by money. I have avoided having recurrent miscarriages and not understanding why my body was failing me. These are God's answers to our prayers. Thank you for letting me see that so clearly now!
My appt. with Dr. J is tomorrow. I suppose we'll come up with a game plan for the next few months. I also need to ask her why it is I lose so much hair in the shower and when I'm combing... does this happen to anyone else? I mean, with the # of vitamins I take, you'd think I'd have the world's strongest hair and nail follicles! It's bad enough I get acne breakouts that rival a 13 yr old boy. But now I'm going to be balding, too?? I'll give you an update after my appt. Wish me luck!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
What a Test
| Well, spot turned into full-fledged flow this morning. I knew I was in for trouble when I woke up and my breasts weren't sore anymore. I did cry. The part that got me was the strangeness of my post-Peak phase this month... I have NEVER had peak-type mucus post-peak, except for the occasional pre-menstrual endometrial fluid... and I've never had spotting as early as 11 dpo. My post-Peak phase was only 10 days, which means my progesterone probably was low. The other stinker is that now this cycle I won't be able to do Letrezole as planned, since I was supposed to take one dose on day 3 (which is technically today). My appt. with Dr. J is Thursday. I guess we'll plan on Letrezole for July. Here are some good things that I can glean out of this weekend: 1) I am now more motivated than ever to get my Creighton Model FertilityCare Center up and running. I will speak to Dr. J about possibly working as a liason with her office, too, which had been mentioned before (that would be SUCH a blessing!) 2) With no school job in Sept, Rob and I can plan our trip to Cancun (his family has a timeshare they won't be using then) that month! Man, do we badly need a vacation! (And no, I don't think going on vacation will make me pregnant, just to clear that up!) 3) My cycles are becoming much more normal in length... so I don't have too long to wait until Peak Day :) 4) I can now have a few drinks and celebrate Memorial Day in style. and 5)... now I have a chance to go visit the St. Gianna shrine in PA before Peak. I did not pray as much as I normally do this past cycle, so I need to get back into a praying habit. So, I suppose this is an example of embracing my cross. What could have been the worst weekend of my life has now exhibited at least 5 motivators for me to continue on and learn from every experience God hands me. Because really, I can just sit and wallow for longer, but nobody likes a sourpuss. |
Friday, May 23, 2008
Am I in for the Best Weekend of My Life??
... or one of the worst?
I had the spotting again today. It made it to my underwear this time (just slightly), and was B/CP (brown/cloudy pasty). That made me nervous and excited... then I had to go #2 about an hour later (which I've been doing much more frequently than normal, by the way), and at that time there was MORE of it, and it was 10B/K... my heart immediately dropped down to my stomach. Here I was, with my "usual" pre-period BM and some endometrial fluid to go along with it. Then I wiped again after the BM, and there was hardly anything. A few hours later, still nothing, not even discoloration on the tissue.
I am really freaking out now!! I have a feeling this could be a very good sign for me... I just don't know what to do! Here I am again getting my hopes way up, but man, I could really use some fantastic news right about now in my life. I was trying so hard not to put so much into this cycle, but having heard from a woman at my training course that she and a client of hers BOTH got pregnant the cycle after their ovarian wedge/laparoscopy hasn't exactly calmed my nerves! Plus, an online friend just told me she had the same spotting at 11 and 12 dpo, and tested + at 13dpo... this is just too much for me to handle!!
I'll be SUPER busy praying tonight, so I'll make sure to squeeze in a bunch of prayers for all of you. I hope our time has finally come!
I had the spotting again today. It made it to my underwear this time (just slightly), and was B/CP (brown/cloudy pasty). That made me nervous and excited... then I had to go #2 about an hour later (which I've been doing much more frequently than normal, by the way), and at that time there was MORE of it, and it was 10B/K... my heart immediately dropped down to my stomach. Here I was, with my "usual" pre-period BM and some endometrial fluid to go along with it. Then I wiped again after the BM, and there was hardly anything. A few hours later, still nothing, not even discoloration on the tissue.
I am really freaking out now!! I have a feeling this could be a very good sign for me... I just don't know what to do! Here I am again getting my hopes way up, but man, I could really use some fantastic news right about now in my life. I was trying so hard not to put so much into this cycle, but having heard from a woman at my training course that she and a client of hers BOTH got pregnant the cycle after their ovarian wedge/laparoscopy hasn't exactly calmed my nerves! Plus, an online friend just told me she had the same spotting at 11 and 12 dpo, and tested + at 13dpo... this is just too much for me to handle!!
I'll be SUPER busy praying tonight, so I'll make sure to squeeze in a bunch of prayers for all of you. I hope our time has finally come!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Interesting Move, God...
Wow. Today has been... interesting.
So most of you know by now that I was a Kindergarten Teacher at a Catholic School (such an ideal job!) before I got married, and once I left "to have children," it became impossible to find placement anywhere. I worked in a daycare for 6 wk olds- 2 1/2 yr olds that first year, thinking, "Oh, this will give me more experience with babies before I have one." I had already nannied before, but at least the thought kept me from feeling completely low on myself for not being able to find a teaching job. Then I got a job at the local public elementary school this year. I'm little more than a serf. I am a "Special Education Aide" in the Kindergarten room, 5 hrs/day.
So, what better opportunity for me to a) get surgery this year, and b) do the Creighton Model training, since, hey, it's not like what I do at work is rocket science. Any sub off the street could manage quite fine. Plus, no lesson plans and assessments to worry about.
Let me back up a bit and explain a bit about my work ethic. I was fully planning on going back to work the Monday after my surgery (this with a 5-inch incision in my lower abdomen and the inability to walk erect). However, the Dr. gave me explicit orders (and a note) saying I must not return for 2 weeks. I felt sooo incredibly guilty the entire time I was recuperating, and my husband had to keep reminding me that my first priority is to our family. My surgery was FOR my family, and here I am worried about a position I get paid so little for I'm embarrassed to even admit it here. I knew I would have to take another week off in May (last week) for this course, too... but I had already paid $3,000 to do it. I spoke to my Dr about this (I actually asked if he would be able to write a note saying I needed stitches removed or something), but he told me that I should view the Creighton Model training as a calling from God (as it is), and that unless I viewed being an Aide as my "career," I shouldn't feel guilty about taking time away to better myself and my Church.
Well. Having gone to Public School for 13 years, I probably should have known better. Today, I was fired. Well, technically, my contract for next year was reneged. The part that irks me the most is that my "Supervisor" (who did the firing) has never seen me actually working. She has NO idea how much effort I put into this crappy job! I have always been a hard worker, because it's not about the job when you work in a school, it's about the kids. I go above and beyond for them (WELL beyond what my actual job description and responsibilities state).
I am just completely stunned right now. I've never been fired from anything before. This is clearly something that was meant to happen, but why now?? Why when money is at its lowest, and when I already feel like such a big failure in my personal life?? If this is God's way of closing one door so that another one will open and His will can be done, I only hope that the other door does indeed open!!
Then, as I come home and my husband comes over from his work to comfort me, I go to the bathroom and find light brown spotting mixed in with cloudy CM. Wiping again, I found stretchy cloudy/clear CM. (I recorded 10 C/B, even though the stretchy part wasn't brown... but I thought the "possible" bleeding was just as important to record as the peak-type). I am P+11 today. Way too early for premenstrual spotting (which I never have, anyway), and also too early for premenstrual mucus (endometrial fluid). Is this implantation mucus/bleeding?? Was this God's way of sending me a ray of hope in my darkest hour?? Someone please tell me how I'm to interpret these chain of events today!!!
I had printed out an application for teaching positions in the Diocese earlier this month... but never sent it out since I figured it'd just be easier to continue working 5 hrs/day next year in a mindless job; that way I could concentrate on building up my FertilityCare services. But I guess I'll send it out now. Man, this really sucks. I have never felt so worthless :(
So most of you know by now that I was a Kindergarten Teacher at a Catholic School (such an ideal job!) before I got married, and once I left "to have children," it became impossible to find placement anywhere. I worked in a daycare for 6 wk olds- 2 1/2 yr olds that first year, thinking, "Oh, this will give me more experience with babies before I have one." I had already nannied before, but at least the thought kept me from feeling completely low on myself for not being able to find a teaching job. Then I got a job at the local public elementary school this year. I'm little more than a serf. I am a "Special Education Aide" in the Kindergarten room, 5 hrs/day.
So, what better opportunity for me to a) get surgery this year, and b) do the Creighton Model training, since, hey, it's not like what I do at work is rocket science. Any sub off the street could manage quite fine. Plus, no lesson plans and assessments to worry about.
Let me back up a bit and explain a bit about my work ethic. I was fully planning on going back to work the Monday after my surgery (this with a 5-inch incision in my lower abdomen and the inability to walk erect). However, the Dr. gave me explicit orders (and a note) saying I must not return for 2 weeks. I felt sooo incredibly guilty the entire time I was recuperating, and my husband had to keep reminding me that my first priority is to our family. My surgery was FOR my family, and here I am worried about a position I get paid so little for I'm embarrassed to even admit it here. I knew I would have to take another week off in May (last week) for this course, too... but I had already paid $3,000 to do it. I spoke to my Dr about this (I actually asked if he would be able to write a note saying I needed stitches removed or something), but he told me that I should view the Creighton Model training as a calling from God (as it is), and that unless I viewed being an Aide as my "career," I shouldn't feel guilty about taking time away to better myself and my Church.
Well. Having gone to Public School for 13 years, I probably should have known better. Today, I was fired. Well, technically, my contract for next year was reneged. The part that irks me the most is that my "Supervisor" (who did the firing) has never seen me actually working. She has NO idea how much effort I put into this crappy job! I have always been a hard worker, because it's not about the job when you work in a school, it's about the kids. I go above and beyond for them (WELL beyond what my actual job description and responsibilities state).
I am just completely stunned right now. I've never been fired from anything before. This is clearly something that was meant to happen, but why now?? Why when money is at its lowest, and when I already feel like such a big failure in my personal life?? If this is God's way of closing one door so that another one will open and His will can be done, I only hope that the other door does indeed open!!
Then, as I come home and my husband comes over from his work to comfort me, I go to the bathroom and find light brown spotting mixed in with cloudy CM. Wiping again, I found stretchy cloudy/clear CM. (I recorded 10 C/B, even though the stretchy part wasn't brown... but I thought the "possible" bleeding was just as important to record as the peak-type). I am P+11 today. Way too early for premenstrual spotting (which I never have, anyway), and also too early for premenstrual mucus (endometrial fluid). Is this implantation mucus/bleeding?? Was this God's way of sending me a ray of hope in my darkest hour?? Someone please tell me how I'm to interpret these chain of events today!!!
I had printed out an application for teaching positions in the Diocese earlier this month... but never sent it out since I figured it'd just be easier to continue working 5 hrs/day next year in a mindless job; that way I could concentrate on building up my FertilityCare services. But I guess I'll send it out now. Man, this really sucks. I have never felt so worthless :(
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I'm Sorry...
That apology is intended for God. I couldn't help myself and went to "twoweekwait.com" today. (I haven't visited that site in over 6 months, if not longer.) I just can't help obsessing as I get closer to a possible testing date... especially since I feel like all of the cards were lined up perfectly this cycle. It's my first cycle post-surgery, I had the perfect mucus cycle score, and we selected P-5, P-2, P-1, and Peak Day. We didn't select any days in the count of 3, but that's because I am 99% sure I did ovulate the night before my Peak or the morning of my Peak (Mother's Day). And it's not like I have such amazing symptoms right now, but I just couldn't keep from checking out those early pregnancy symptoms that other women have recorded.
I'm sorry, God. I know that you want me to stop obsessing so much about things, and to offer up my sufferings and obsessions to you. My spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak... I just can't stop yearning for your most precious gift, the gift of life. No matter how hard I try, I always find myself looking for signs of that gift during my two week waits. This doesn't mean I begrudge my cross, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade it now, if you offered me the opportunity to go back to my honeymoon and conceive on our first month of trying. (That sounds like the biggest, fattest lie EVER, I know... but I honestly cherish these years, and the humbling that it has taught me.) I am so blessed that you have chosen me, and my husband, to help your beloved Son carry His cross. And I know that you have a plan for us. Oh, but God, you formed me before I was born, and you know how I overanalyze everything. I just cannot help reading into every tiny little twinge, zit, ache of the breast, yawn, and wave of nausea. (OK, so maybe today's wave of nausea was due to the 5 vitamins I took with a sip of iced tea on an empty stomach, lol!)
I cannot promise that the obsessing will cease. It's just my nature. And I most likely will still be disappointed when my period arrives (due on Memorial Day, no white pants for me that week). But I'll move on, as I always do, and I will continue to embrace this cross. Why? Because You have asked me to do so. And I will do anything that You ask me to do.
I'm sorry, God. I know that you want me to stop obsessing so much about things, and to offer up my sufferings and obsessions to you. My spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak... I just can't stop yearning for your most precious gift, the gift of life. No matter how hard I try, I always find myself looking for signs of that gift during my two week waits. This doesn't mean I begrudge my cross, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade it now, if you offered me the opportunity to go back to my honeymoon and conceive on our first month of trying. (That sounds like the biggest, fattest lie EVER, I know... but I honestly cherish these years, and the humbling that it has taught me.) I am so blessed that you have chosen me, and my husband, to help your beloved Son carry His cross. And I know that you have a plan for us. Oh, but God, you formed me before I was born, and you know how I overanalyze everything. I just cannot help reading into every tiny little twinge, zit, ache of the breast, yawn, and wave of nausea. (OK, so maybe today's wave of nausea was due to the 5 vitamins I took with a sip of iced tea on an empty stomach, lol!)
I cannot promise that the obsessing will cease. It's just my nature. And I most likely will still be disappointed when my period arrives (due on Memorial Day, no white pants for me that week). But I'll move on, as I always do, and I will continue to embrace this cross. Why? Because You have asked me to do so. And I will do anything that You ask me to do.
Monday, May 19, 2008
I was Tagged (yay, my very first)!
1. Why did you start your blog? I started my blog because I had recently found a bunch of NaPro/Creighton Model System Catholic infertility blogs, and was inspired by them.
2. How did you come up with your blog name? I have been viewing this struggle with infertility as my cross from God for a long time, now... and slowly but surely, also come to realize that the cross was a blessing. But only very recently have I actively begun to embrace my cross. (Before, I would just kinda drag it along, expecting my "prize" to appear around the next turn. Which, of course, is not what God had intended for me in entrusting me with this cross.)
3. Do your friends and family know about your blog and what do they think? Just a few select friends, whom I call my "MGs" know about it... but I think only one of them has ever read it. (They are all either currently experiencing infertility or have in the past, but none of them are practicing Catholics so I don't think they wholly relate to the "IVF is just not an option for me" thing.)
4. How do you write posts? It's anybody's guess, really. Sometimes I have some things I want to say (and "set-the-stage" with, so to say), but other times I just vent or share an experience. I really haven't had too many posts yet, lol!
5. Have you ever had a troll or had to delete unkind comments? No, thank goodness! I had to delete my own comment, once, though... I gave someone my email address, then deleted it after they were able to invite me to read their blog.
6. Do you check your stats or care how many people read your blog? If so, how do you increase traffic? I haven't the slightest clue how to do that... All You Who Hope will have to teach me :)
And since I'm still really new to all of this, I don't think there's anyone left to tag that hasn't been already... but if you're reading this and would like to be tagged, consider yourself TAGGED!
2. How did you come up with your blog name? I have been viewing this struggle with infertility as my cross from God for a long time, now... and slowly but surely, also come to realize that the cross was a blessing. But only very recently have I actively begun to embrace my cross. (Before, I would just kinda drag it along, expecting my "prize" to appear around the next turn. Which, of course, is not what God had intended for me in entrusting me with this cross.)
3. Do your friends and family know about your blog and what do they think? Just a few select friends, whom I call my "MGs" know about it... but I think only one of them has ever read it. (They are all either currently experiencing infertility or have in the past, but none of them are practicing Catholics so I don't think they wholly relate to the "IVF is just not an option for me" thing.)
4. How do you write posts? It's anybody's guess, really. Sometimes I have some things I want to say (and "set-the-stage" with, so to say), but other times I just vent or share an experience. I really haven't had too many posts yet, lol!
5. Have you ever had a troll or had to delete unkind comments? No, thank goodness! I had to delete my own comment, once, though... I gave someone my email address, then deleted it after they were able to invite me to read their blog.
6. Do you check your stats or care how many people read your blog? If so, how do you increase traffic? I haven't the slightest clue how to do that... All You Who Hope will have to teach me :)
And since I'm still really new to all of this, I don't think there's anyone left to tag that hasn't been already... but if you're reading this and would like to be tagged, consider yourself TAGGED!
Finished EPII
Education Phase II, that is... the course was great, very informative. One of the best parts was having my Dr there to lecture and help us decipher some advanced cases/charts. (Dr. J is like my 2nd Mother. Actually, I see her much more often than my own mother these days!)
I'm really stoked to start bringing the Creighton Model out into my community. Can't wait to start doing large Introductory Sessions and follow-ups (with people other than my sisters and friends who I forced to be my clients for EPI, lol!)
Anyway, I did want to say that Mother's Day was not bad, for 2 reasons. 1) I Peaked on Mother's Day, and probably ovulated the night before, or the morning of :) and 2) For the first time that I have EVER seen, my priest at my hometown parish did the most comprehensive, beautiful Mother's Day blessing. After blessing the mothers who were standing, he blessed all mothers who are no longer with us, adoptive mothers, mothers of children who are no longer with us, and those mothers who long to become mothers but who are having diffuculties trying to conceive. (He knows about our situation, because my mother had him pray for me during the surgery last month.) We were right in the 2nd row, and I had to work really hard at not breaking down right there in church when he said that... I know a tear or two did drop. It was so meaningful, and I'm so happy that somebody FINALLY acknowledged ALL mothers.
How mysterious God is. Just as I had promised, I never prayed for myself all Mass, but in the beginning of Mass I lit a candle for all women who have suffered a miscarriage. And in answer to my prayer, God blessed me, too :)
I'm very hopeful for this cycle... for those Creighton charters out there, my mucus cycle score was a perfect 16!! (10KLs every day for 6 days leading up to Peak!) But my latest "goal" is to become pregnant before I turn 27 (July 25), so I won't be devastated if it didn't work out this month. I had my P+ 7 bloodwork today, will have the results tomorrow. I've learned the hard way not to put too much into those #s, though. It's just a precaution, really. If they're too low, I'll probably need an injection, but luckily, I've never had them in the danger zone before (on the contrary, they're usually sky high).
As for "symptoms" (remember I said I was the Queen of Early Pregnancy Symptoms?), I woke up on P+7 (yesterday, technically) with sore breasts. I usually get them a few days before my period, but never this early. I've felt kinda warm on and off lately, too. That's about it so far this month. I think I'll "know" when I'm pregnant because the only symptom I've yet to create in my head is heartburn, so I secretly feel like God will let me know by sending me heartburn!
Oh, for those of you who expressed interest in becoming a Creighton Model Practitioner, this year's East Coast training program is in Connecticut (Stamford, I think?) Drop me a line if you're interested in getting an application. It's TOTALLY worthwhile :) I truly do feel called to do this work.
I'm really stoked to start bringing the Creighton Model out into my community. Can't wait to start doing large Introductory Sessions and follow-ups (with people other than my sisters and friends who I forced to be my clients for EPI, lol!)
Anyway, I did want to say that Mother's Day was not bad, for 2 reasons. 1) I Peaked on Mother's Day, and probably ovulated the night before, or the morning of :) and 2) For the first time that I have EVER seen, my priest at my hometown parish did the most comprehensive, beautiful Mother's Day blessing. After blessing the mothers who were standing, he blessed all mothers who are no longer with us, adoptive mothers, mothers of children who are no longer with us, and those mothers who long to become mothers but who are having diffuculties trying to conceive. (He knows about our situation, because my mother had him pray for me during the surgery last month.) We were right in the 2nd row, and I had to work really hard at not breaking down right there in church when he said that... I know a tear or two did drop. It was so meaningful, and I'm so happy that somebody FINALLY acknowledged ALL mothers.
How mysterious God is. Just as I had promised, I never prayed for myself all Mass, but in the beginning of Mass I lit a candle for all women who have suffered a miscarriage. And in answer to my prayer, God blessed me, too :)
I'm very hopeful for this cycle... for those Creighton charters out there, my mucus cycle score was a perfect 16!! (10KLs every day for 6 days leading up to Peak!) But my latest "goal" is to become pregnant before I turn 27 (July 25), so I won't be devastated if it didn't work out this month. I had my P+ 7 bloodwork today, will have the results tomorrow. I've learned the hard way not to put too much into those #s, though. It's just a precaution, really. If they're too low, I'll probably need an injection, but luckily, I've never had them in the danger zone before (on the contrary, they're usually sky high).
As for "symptoms" (remember I said I was the Queen of Early Pregnancy Symptoms?), I woke up on P+7 (yesterday, technically) with sore breasts. I usually get them a few days before my period, but never this early. I've felt kinda warm on and off lately, too. That's about it so far this month. I think I'll "know" when I'm pregnant because the only symptom I've yet to create in my head is heartburn, so I secretly feel like God will let me know by sending me heartburn!
Oh, for those of you who expressed interest in becoming a Creighton Model Practitioner, this year's East Coast training program is in Connecticut (Stamford, I think?) Drop me a line if you're interested in getting an application. It's TOTALLY worthwhile :) I truly do feel called to do this work.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Pre-Mother's Day Jitters
So here I am fooling myself that tomorrow is "Pentecost Sunday" and nothing else. I was actually proud of myself for not over-reacting to the fact that there is another, less-desirable holiday taking place tomorrow... that is, until I stumbled across my mother's cards that she is giving out tomorrow. (I am staying at my parents' house this weekend, getting ready for EPII, the second education phase for the Creighton Model practitioner training.)
So, one card says, "Happy Mother's Day, Mom" (for my grandma), and the other says, "Happy Mother's Day, J" (my sister). I just lost it. Good thing both my parents are downstairs watching a movie. I mean, c'mon! For crying out loud, this woman has watched me cry my eyes out on more than one occasion, she came to my surgery, has been praying novenas and rosaries for me... and I know she can't relate to infertility at all, but I even sent her a great link about how to deal with loved ones with infertility (I'll have to post that link at the end of this blog). In it, it said to remember your infertile friends and loved ones on Mother's Day, because they too are mothers in waiting, and mothers in their hearts. Couldn't she have spared a freaking card??? The best part of Mother's Day last year was that my neice actually did give me flowers and a card, since I am her godmother. I guess there's just no way around it- Mother's Day sucks if you don't have kids and want them.
And now for something completely different:
I think I am actually ovulating right now as I type!!!! This is just so incredibly exciting, I can't even explain it :) My OPK was + again today, and the mittleschmertz (come on, it's a great word and if you have the chance to use it, JUMP on it!) has continued. I'm on day 16 of my cycle, and if I don't pop one out tonight, it'll probably be tomorrow... so maybe Mother's Day won't be a COMPLETE loss.
Speaking of loss (ok, switching gears again here- m/c mentioned, be forewarned):
I received perhaps the most beautiful, precious gift last week- from my Creighton Model Supervisor. While we spoke on the phone, she told me that she was currently experiencing a miscarriage at 6 weeks. It had been a using-related pregnancy, she is 42 and used a day that she had talked herself out of "lubrication" and just recorded "shiny." But nonetheless, her family and she were all very excited. However, her post-Peak phases were short already, and her progesterone had been known to be low.
I was so taken aback by what she was telling me, I prayed for guidance from God to offer her the most comforting words that I could find. But what did I receive in answer? My Supervisor says to ME: "I would like to offer this loss up for you and your husband. My heart just bleeds for you both, and all couples who yearn so much for a baby and cannot get pregnant." I was literally speechless! How, in one's darkest hour, can they think to offer their pain for someone else, is just beyond my comprehension!! As I said, it was without a doubt the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
So, tomorrow at Mass, I will try my best to return the favor. I promise, dear Lord, to NOT pray for myself. I will offer all of my prayers for those who have suffered a loss, for those mothers who are not recognized on Mother's Day, whose children are with you in Heaven. I will need your help, O Lord! It will be very difficult to not think of myself, especially when I know tomorrow "could" be a potential conception day... but after the beautiful example set forth by a beautiful woman, the least I can do is to pray for my sisters in infertility.
So, one card says, "Happy Mother's Day, Mom" (for my grandma), and the other says, "Happy Mother's Day, J" (my sister). I just lost it. Good thing both my parents are downstairs watching a movie. I mean, c'mon! For crying out loud, this woman has watched me cry my eyes out on more than one occasion, she came to my surgery, has been praying novenas and rosaries for me... and I know she can't relate to infertility at all, but I even sent her a great link about how to deal with loved ones with infertility (I'll have to post that link at the end of this blog). In it, it said to remember your infertile friends and loved ones on Mother's Day, because they too are mothers in waiting, and mothers in their hearts. Couldn't she have spared a freaking card??? The best part of Mother's Day last year was that my neice actually did give me flowers and a card, since I am her godmother. I guess there's just no way around it- Mother's Day sucks if you don't have kids and want them.
And now for something completely different:
I think I am actually ovulating right now as I type!!!! This is just so incredibly exciting, I can't even explain it :) My OPK was + again today, and the mittleschmertz (come on, it's a great word and if you have the chance to use it, JUMP on it!) has continued. I'm on day 16 of my cycle, and if I don't pop one out tonight, it'll probably be tomorrow... so maybe Mother's Day won't be a COMPLETE loss.
Speaking of loss (ok, switching gears again here- m/c mentioned, be forewarned):
I received perhaps the most beautiful, precious gift last week- from my Creighton Model Supervisor. While we spoke on the phone, she told me that she was currently experiencing a miscarriage at 6 weeks. It had been a using-related pregnancy, she is 42 and used a day that she had talked herself out of "lubrication" and just recorded "shiny." But nonetheless, her family and she were all very excited. However, her post-Peak phases were short already, and her progesterone had been known to be low.
I was so taken aback by what she was telling me, I prayed for guidance from God to offer her the most comforting words that I could find. But what did I receive in answer? My Supervisor says to ME: "I would like to offer this loss up for you and your husband. My heart just bleeds for you both, and all couples who yearn so much for a baby and cannot get pregnant." I was literally speechless! How, in one's darkest hour, can they think to offer their pain for someone else, is just beyond my comprehension!! As I said, it was without a doubt the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
So, tomorrow at Mass, I will try my best to return the favor. I promise, dear Lord, to NOT pray for myself. I will offer all of my prayers for those who have suffered a loss, for those mothers who are not recognized on Mother's Day, whose children are with you in Heaven. I will need your help, O Lord! It will be very difficult to not think of myself, especially when I know tomorrow "could" be a potential conception day... but after the beautiful example set forth by a beautiful woman, the least I can do is to pray for my sisters in infertility.
Friday, May 9, 2008
In The Beginning...
... no, I'm not quoting John 1:1. I just figured I'd back up a bit and give you some history about my TTC journey.
I could alternately entitle this post "Birth Control is the Devil in Pill Form," but I'll stick to the less bitter title for now.
So, I got my first period at 14 1/2. Thaaaat's right. Yeah, it was real fun for me in junior high (and 1/2 of 9th grade), I didn't even need a bra. I had to have a special physical check-up in order to play Varsity basketball in 9th grade. BUT, unlike most girls, my periods started out very, very regular. I got my period every full moon, every 28 days, right off the bat. Then, some time around 11th or 12th grade (probably from all the basketball playing), they started getting a little kooky. By my freshman year of college, they were a MESS- - I didn't think much of it, except for the fact that my skin started breaking out really badly. Finally, when I had a 21-day period (or what I thought was a period, now I assume it was just irregular bleeding unassociated with an ovulatory event), I decided it was high time I get myself to the ob/gyn.
So, here I am, a 19-yr old college virgin, going for my first pap smear and ob/gyn exam. The Dr. was a man. On top of being emotionally uncomfortable, I was also in a lot of pain... after all, nothing had ever been up there before- he hadn't even bothered to warn me, or take it slow. So, as I'm limping out of the exam room into his office, he tells me he's going to Rx "the pill" for me. He hands me some brochures, tells me "they'll make your periods regular" and then adds, "plus, if you do meet that special someone, they are 98% effective..." which just pissed me off, since I had already told him I wasn't sexually active and was not planning on becoming sexually active. (What I figured later was that he saw I did not have a hymen, and probably, like an idiot, just assumed I was like every other college girl and was sexually active. I had had a bad accident on the jungle gym in 3rd grade... ouch, I can still feel it. I wonder if my hymen is still on that playground??) Oh, and as an added bonus, "they'll help with your acne!" He hands me the Rx, and sends me on my way.
After a few months on the pill, I started to get really frustrated. Sure, my skin was clearing up (a huge plus when you're a girl in college looking for a boyfriend), but would I need to be on this thing for the rest of my unmarried life if I didn't want to bleed for 21 days every month?? What was wrong with me? Why was I having these crazy cycles? I decided to go see my sister's female ob/gyn next. She came highly recommended.
This Dr. did an u/s on me, and was the first to tell me that I had "tiny cysts on my ovaries" which were benign, and would not present a problem for me. Her solution? You guessed it- THE PILL. "How long do I need to stay on this?" I asked her. "Oh, I'd say about 6 months, that should be enough to 'trick' your body into getting regular again. And if your periods are still irregular when you come off, we'll try another 6 months." Fantastic. So basically, I WILL be on them for the rest of my unmarried life.
Now this is the part that really makes me want to jump in my car with all of my Creighton Model charts, ultrasounds, pics from surgery, and prescription meds at the ready, drive to that Dr's house, bang on her door, throw everything at her and say, "Oh, REALLY???"
I asked, "Well, will these cysts create a problem for me when I do decide to start a family one day?" (At 20 yrs old I was already anticipating the birth of my children.)
Answer: "Oh, on the contrary! Being on the pill will make your body THINK you're pregnant the whole time you're on it! So, when you do want to get pregnant, it will be easy!"
So, on and off, on and off the pill, and 6 years later, my cycles are whackier than ever. I had this subconscious feeling that starting our family was not going to be as easy as it sounded...
I say subconscious because on the surface level I absolutely did think we could get pregnant whenever we chose to. Hey, after all, I was equipped with the Creighton Model, and knew exactly when I was most fertile. So, what did I do? I decide to leave my teaching job (my very FIRST teaching job after getting my teaching certificate... it was the perfect position that I had always dreamed of- Kindergarten teacher in a Catholic School), because I was going to get pregnant and be a stay at home mom. And what was the result? I haven't been able to get placement as a lead teacher in any other school (yet). I have taken a HUGE step down, and am working as a teacher's aide- it drives me CRAZY that I have a degree and a license that I am not even using :(
So, not only did I really mess up my career with that move, but I also decided I was going to start telling people that we were planning on having kids right away. (How long could it take, I thought?) Hence, many close friends now know the struggles we have been going through (though not in great detail), because they knew we started trying 2 years ago and still aren't pregnant. Nowadays I am only telling "new" people on a need-to-know basis, like the lead teacher in my classroom (she needed to know why I'd be out for 2 weeks post-surgery). But otherwise, I am very private about all of this stuff (she says as she types her BLOG, lol!)- no, but seriously, it is an embarrassing issue still, especially since so many people don't understand it. There most certainly IS a stigma attached to infertility. I've always been the girl who could, and did, achieve everything I set my mind to... so it's hard to think people look at me as a failure for this. Though, if I've learned anything, I've learned that life and its creation is not in our hands, but in God's. I have to stop being so hard on myself for this...
The last time I felt like I had everything was our wedding day. I was standing on top of the world... all of my dreams were just within my grasp, my life was just beginning. I have to laugh now at how naive I was, and how silly some of my choices were. Life, to me, was a series of decisions that I would make and follow through. Well, I forgot one important detail... only MY life is in my control. Not the life of my unborn children. I was already projecting my desires onto them, before they were even conceived. I've definately learned my lesson.
Here is a song my college female a cappella group sang, based on a poem entitled, "On Children." In college, I barely understood the lyrics. Now, they speak to my very soul:
Your children are not your children,
they are the sons and the daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you,
But they are not from you,
And though they are with you,
They belong not to you.
You can give them your love but not your thoughts,
they have their own thoughts (they have their own thoughts).
You can house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in a place of tomorrow
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You can strive to be like them, but you cannot make them just like you.
Strive to be like them, but you cannot make them just like you.
I could alternately entitle this post "Birth Control is the Devil in Pill Form," but I'll stick to the less bitter title for now.
So, I got my first period at 14 1/2. Thaaaat's right. Yeah, it was real fun for me in junior high (and 1/2 of 9th grade), I didn't even need a bra. I had to have a special physical check-up in order to play Varsity basketball in 9th grade. BUT, unlike most girls, my periods started out very, very regular. I got my period every full moon, every 28 days, right off the bat. Then, some time around 11th or 12th grade (probably from all the basketball playing), they started getting a little kooky. By my freshman year of college, they were a MESS- - I didn't think much of it, except for the fact that my skin started breaking out really badly. Finally, when I had a 21-day period (or what I thought was a period, now I assume it was just irregular bleeding unassociated with an ovulatory event), I decided it was high time I get myself to the ob/gyn.
So, here I am, a 19-yr old college virgin, going for my first pap smear and ob/gyn exam. The Dr. was a man. On top of being emotionally uncomfortable, I was also in a lot of pain... after all, nothing had ever been up there before- he hadn't even bothered to warn me, or take it slow. So, as I'm limping out of the exam room into his office, he tells me he's going to Rx "the pill" for me. He hands me some brochures, tells me "they'll make your periods regular" and then adds, "plus, if you do meet that special someone, they are 98% effective..." which just pissed me off, since I had already told him I wasn't sexually active and was not planning on becoming sexually active. (What I figured later was that he saw I did not have a hymen, and probably, like an idiot, just assumed I was like every other college girl and was sexually active. I had had a bad accident on the jungle gym in 3rd grade... ouch, I can still feel it. I wonder if my hymen is still on that playground??) Oh, and as an added bonus, "they'll help with your acne!" He hands me the Rx, and sends me on my way.
After a few months on the pill, I started to get really frustrated. Sure, my skin was clearing up (a huge plus when you're a girl in college looking for a boyfriend), but would I need to be on this thing for the rest of my unmarried life if I didn't want to bleed for 21 days every month?? What was wrong with me? Why was I having these crazy cycles? I decided to go see my sister's female ob/gyn next. She came highly recommended.
This Dr. did an u/s on me, and was the first to tell me that I had "tiny cysts on my ovaries" which were benign, and would not present a problem for me. Her solution? You guessed it- THE PILL. "How long do I need to stay on this?" I asked her. "Oh, I'd say about 6 months, that should be enough to 'trick' your body into getting regular again. And if your periods are still irregular when you come off, we'll try another 6 months." Fantastic. So basically, I WILL be on them for the rest of my unmarried life.
Now this is the part that really makes me want to jump in my car with all of my Creighton Model charts, ultrasounds, pics from surgery, and prescription meds at the ready, drive to that Dr's house, bang on her door, throw everything at her and say, "Oh, REALLY???"
I asked, "Well, will these cysts create a problem for me when I do decide to start a family one day?" (At 20 yrs old I was already anticipating the birth of my children.)
Answer: "Oh, on the contrary! Being on the pill will make your body THINK you're pregnant the whole time you're on it! So, when you do want to get pregnant, it will be easy!"
So, on and off, on and off the pill, and 6 years later, my cycles are whackier than ever. I had this subconscious feeling that starting our family was not going to be as easy as it sounded...
I say subconscious because on the surface level I absolutely did think we could get pregnant whenever we chose to. Hey, after all, I was equipped with the Creighton Model, and knew exactly when I was most fertile. So, what did I do? I decide to leave my teaching job (my very FIRST teaching job after getting my teaching certificate... it was the perfect position that I had always dreamed of- Kindergarten teacher in a Catholic School), because I was going to get pregnant and be a stay at home mom. And what was the result? I haven't been able to get placement as a lead teacher in any other school (yet). I have taken a HUGE step down, and am working as a teacher's aide- it drives me CRAZY that I have a degree and a license that I am not even using :(
So, not only did I really mess up my career with that move, but I also decided I was going to start telling people that we were planning on having kids right away. (How long could it take, I thought?) Hence, many close friends now know the struggles we have been going through (though not in great detail), because they knew we started trying 2 years ago and still aren't pregnant. Nowadays I am only telling "new" people on a need-to-know basis, like the lead teacher in my classroom (she needed to know why I'd be out for 2 weeks post-surgery). But otherwise, I am very private about all of this stuff (she says as she types her BLOG, lol!)- no, but seriously, it is an embarrassing issue still, especially since so many people don't understand it. There most certainly IS a stigma attached to infertility. I've always been the girl who could, and did, achieve everything I set my mind to... so it's hard to think people look at me as a failure for this. Though, if I've learned anything, I've learned that life and its creation is not in our hands, but in God's. I have to stop being so hard on myself for this...
The last time I felt like I had everything was our wedding day. I was standing on top of the world... all of my dreams were just within my grasp, my life was just beginning. I have to laugh now at how naive I was, and how silly some of my choices were. Life, to me, was a series of decisions that I would make and follow through. Well, I forgot one important detail... only MY life is in my control. Not the life of my unborn children. I was already projecting my desires onto them, before they were even conceived. I've definately learned my lesson.
Here is a song my college female a cappella group sang, based on a poem entitled, "On Children." In college, I barely understood the lyrics. Now, they speak to my very soul:
Your children are not your children,
they are the sons and the daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you,
But they are not from you,
And though they are with you,
They belong not to you.
You can give them your love but not your thoughts,
they have their own thoughts (they have their own thoughts).
You can house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in a place of tomorrow
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You can strive to be like them, but you cannot make them just like you.
Strive to be like them, but you cannot make them just like you.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
OK, so I've always had a dislike for stupid people... but trust me, after almost two years of infertility (well, probably more like 10 years, but I wasn't trying to conceive during most of them), I hate stupid people even more than I hate seeing a negative hpt. I will never be able to remember all of the worst comments that have been made in my presence, or even directly to me, but here's a list of some of the "best" ones, and the responses I wish I had made:
(from a 60 yr-old substitute in our classroom, helping wrap the kids' presents before Christmas):
"Well, you can tell THIS one doesn't have kids, she doesn't know how to wrap!!"
wishful response: "Not every woman without children is living that way by choice, so maybe you should think before you open your mouth next time."
(from the lead teacher in my classroom, who knows exactly what I'm going through, about a careless Mom of one of our students):
"And she adopted her 2 kids! I tell ya, God knew what He was doing when he wouldn't give her children!"
wishful response: "Well, then. I suppose you think He's giving me a message, too?"
(from a co-worker last year, whom I had told I was TTC, then about 6 months later asked her about early pregnancy symptoms):
"OH, are you STILL trying??!"
wishful response: "You're right. You're absolutely right. I am a walking failure, and I should have given up by now, shouldn't I have? Six months after all is an insane amount of time to try to get pregnant. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways."
(from a close friend, while pregnant with her second 'easy' pregnancy):
"So I told the Dr, my body was just MADE for making babies!"
wishful response: "That's wonderful, really. As if I didn't feel bad enough as a woman who can't reproduce, who can't perform the most basic of human functions, thank you for reminding me how inferior my body is to yours and those of the rest of the living, breathing women in the world."
(from my sister): "God will give you a baby when He's good and ready for you to start your family."
wishful response: "Ah, yes, you're right. I forgot, God CHOSE for Britney Spears to have children, since she was clearly more ready than I am... not to mention the millions of babies he chooses to send to the women who abort them... or those children He gives to people whose marriages are doomed to fail. So God wants to see children living through divorce, abuse, and worse, is that it?"
(from my mother, early in our marriage when I told her I had started seeing a NaPro Technology Dr.):
"That's a little ridiculous, don't you think? It's only been 3 months that you've been trying!"
wishful response: "I suppose I should wait until I've been trying for a year before I even begin to try finding the cause of my health issues? If my lungs weren't functioning properly, would you suggest I wait a year to see someone about it? I've been charting my cycles for over 6 months, and I've seen how whacky they are- unusual bleeding, NO luteal phase, estrogen peaking and dropping at random... but I guess I should just continue to let my underlying disease go unnoticed, because I haven't been trying to have a baby longer than some people."
(from many different family members and friends):
"Just be thankful you haven't had a miscarriage."
wishful response: "I'm extremely grateful that I have not had to suffer a loss of that nature, and especially after seeing so many close friends go through one, I know how devastating that would be... but don't you think I suffer a 'loss' in my own way every month? Don't you think that as I sit and hum to the baby I can almost FEEL inside me, wrapping my belly in one of the many baby blankets I've knitted for him/her, and rejoicing in all of the 'symptoms' I feel over 2 wks of every month, that I experience a big LOSS when my period comes, yet again? Don't get me wrong, I don't wish for a miscarriage... but there is something very, VERY scary about infertility with no history of any pregnancies. I do not have the solid faith that I will and can get pregnant 'again.'"
(from pretty much everyone): "Just enjoy your marriage and your husband while you can."
wishful response: "I do enjoy my marriage, thank you! And I intend to enjoy it for the rest of my life! But I also took vows on my wedding day that I would raise children in our faith... and I have built my life around doing just that."
(again, from just about everyone): "You're still so young, you have nothing to worry about!"
wishful response: "Am I missing something? Is there some unknown statistic that says women get more and more fertile with age?? Because here I am thinking that my chances of success are only going to worsen as I get older, and if I'm having problems NOW, I'm pretty much up the creek! Think about it, people! Infertility is even MORE serious in youth, it means there is a substantial organic health issue that needs to be corrected!!"
(from friends and strangers alike- - you knew this one was coming...):
"Maybe if you just relax and let it happen..."
wishful response: "Oh, man! Where were you 2 years ago when I started spending $300+ every month on medication to help me ovulate, to stabilize my thyroid hormone, and correct my insulin resistance? And where were you when we wasted all kinds of money on the various injections I needed to start my period, or to support my progesterone levels? And the dozens of procedures and tests we've had to show that I do indeed have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and thyroid dysfunction? And then the real clincher- the $7,000+ for my surgery that we are still paying for... darn it! If I had only known that relaxing would have removed my endometriosis, cleared my fallopian tubes, and cured my PCOS, I would have tried it sooner! Thank you for telling me what I've been doing wrong, it's not like I've felt guilty in the first place for not being able to give my husband children... now on top of the stress caused by my infertility (not the other way around, mind you), I'm worried that perhaps it's been my fault all along because I can't "relax.""
So, I get a little bitter from time to time! I just hope this blog has a happy ending sometime soon...
(from a 60 yr-old substitute in our classroom, helping wrap the kids' presents before Christmas):
"Well, you can tell THIS one doesn't have kids, she doesn't know how to wrap!!"
wishful response: "Not every woman without children is living that way by choice, so maybe you should think before you open your mouth next time."
(from the lead teacher in my classroom, who knows exactly what I'm going through, about a careless Mom of one of our students):
"And she adopted her 2 kids! I tell ya, God knew what He was doing when he wouldn't give her children!"
wishful response: "Well, then. I suppose you think He's giving me a message, too?"
(from a co-worker last year, whom I had told I was TTC, then about 6 months later asked her about early pregnancy symptoms):
"OH, are you STILL trying??!"
wishful response: "You're right. You're absolutely right. I am a walking failure, and I should have given up by now, shouldn't I have? Six months after all is an insane amount of time to try to get pregnant. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways."
(from a close friend, while pregnant with her second 'easy' pregnancy):
"So I told the Dr, my body was just MADE for making babies!"
wishful response: "That's wonderful, really. As if I didn't feel bad enough as a woman who can't reproduce, who can't perform the most basic of human functions, thank you for reminding me how inferior my body is to yours and those of the rest of the living, breathing women in the world."
(from my sister): "God will give you a baby when He's good and ready for you to start your family."
wishful response: "Ah, yes, you're right. I forgot, God CHOSE for Britney Spears to have children, since she was clearly more ready than I am... not to mention the millions of babies he chooses to send to the women who abort them... or those children He gives to people whose marriages are doomed to fail. So God wants to see children living through divorce, abuse, and worse, is that it?"
(from my mother, early in our marriage when I told her I had started seeing a NaPro Technology Dr.):
"That's a little ridiculous, don't you think? It's only been 3 months that you've been trying!"
wishful response: "I suppose I should wait until I've been trying for a year before I even begin to try finding the cause of my health issues? If my lungs weren't functioning properly, would you suggest I wait a year to see someone about it? I've been charting my cycles for over 6 months, and I've seen how whacky they are- unusual bleeding, NO luteal phase, estrogen peaking and dropping at random... but I guess I should just continue to let my underlying disease go unnoticed, because I haven't been trying to have a baby longer than some people."
(from many different family members and friends):
"Just be thankful you haven't had a miscarriage."
wishful response: "I'm extremely grateful that I have not had to suffer a loss of that nature, and especially after seeing so many close friends go through one, I know how devastating that would be... but don't you think I suffer a 'loss' in my own way every month? Don't you think that as I sit and hum to the baby I can almost FEEL inside me, wrapping my belly in one of the many baby blankets I've knitted for him/her, and rejoicing in all of the 'symptoms' I feel over 2 wks of every month, that I experience a big LOSS when my period comes, yet again? Don't get me wrong, I don't wish for a miscarriage... but there is something very, VERY scary about infertility with no history of any pregnancies. I do not have the solid faith that I will and can get pregnant 'again.'"
(from pretty much everyone): "Just enjoy your marriage and your husband while you can."
wishful response: "I do enjoy my marriage, thank you! And I intend to enjoy it for the rest of my life! But I also took vows on my wedding day that I would raise children in our faith... and I have built my life around doing just that."
(again, from just about everyone): "You're still so young, you have nothing to worry about!"
wishful response: "Am I missing something? Is there some unknown statistic that says women get more and more fertile with age?? Because here I am thinking that my chances of success are only going to worsen as I get older, and if I'm having problems NOW, I'm pretty much up the creek! Think about it, people! Infertility is even MORE serious in youth, it means there is a substantial organic health issue that needs to be corrected!!"
(from friends and strangers alike- - you knew this one was coming...):
"Maybe if you just relax and let it happen..."
wishful response: "Oh, man! Where were you 2 years ago when I started spending $300+ every month on medication to help me ovulate, to stabilize my thyroid hormone, and correct my insulin resistance? And where were you when we wasted all kinds of money on the various injections I needed to start my period, or to support my progesterone levels? And the dozens of procedures and tests we've had to show that I do indeed have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and thyroid dysfunction? And then the real clincher- the $7,000+ for my surgery that we are still paying for... darn it! If I had only known that relaxing would have removed my endometriosis, cleared my fallopian tubes, and cured my PCOS, I would have tried it sooner! Thank you for telling me what I've been doing wrong, it's not like I've felt guilty in the first place for not being able to give my husband children... now on top of the stress caused by my infertility (not the other way around, mind you), I'm worried that perhaps it's been my fault all along because I can't "relax.""
So, I get a little bitter from time to time! I just hope this blog has a happy ending sometime soon...
Saturday, May 3, 2008
The Fertility Diet
Along the way, some really great resources have presented themselves to me. Among them is the book "The Fertility Diet" by Jorge Chavarro and Walter C. Willett. It is specifically helpful for women with PCOS, and my NaPro Dr loaned it to me a couple of months ago. I am happy to say that I have implemented the diet and since doing so, feel much healthier than ever. Whole grains, natural fatty acids, whole milk products, and lots of non-meat protein sources are at the root of the diet.
I also came across a yoga DVD called Bend, Breathe and Conceive. I had been practicing a couple of hours of yoga per week for about 4 months now, and just purchased this new DVD before my surgery (haven't used it yet, but plan on trying it out tomorrow). For anyone interested in starting a yoga tape, I recommend taking 1 or 2 classes from a trained yoga practitioner before you begin practicing on your own, OR find a really great beginner's tape.
Haven't made it back in to my acupuncturist yet, since I'm still on my period. I hope to get in next week sometime. I'm fearful that if I do ovulate this cycle (the 1st cycle post-surgery), it will fall right smack in the middle of the time I'll be in NY for EPII (the second Education Phase for Creighton Model Practitioner training)! My poor husband may have to make a couple of trips out to NY that week, just so we don't waste the whole month.
Well, I am off to see Baby Mama at the movie theatres... I need a good laugh tonight :)
I also came across a yoga DVD called Bend, Breathe and Conceive. I had been practicing a couple of hours of yoga per week for about 4 months now, and just purchased this new DVD before my surgery (haven't used it yet, but plan on trying it out tomorrow). For anyone interested in starting a yoga tape, I recommend taking 1 or 2 classes from a trained yoga practitioner before you begin practicing on your own, OR find a really great beginner's tape.
Haven't made it back in to my acupuncturist yet, since I'm still on my period. I hope to get in next week sometime. I'm fearful that if I do ovulate this cycle (the 1st cycle post-surgery), it will fall right smack in the middle of the time I'll be in NY for EPII (the second Education Phase for Creighton Model Practitioner training)! My poor husband may have to make a couple of trips out to NY that week, just so we don't waste the whole month.
Well, I am off to see Baby Mama at the movie theatres... I need a good laugh tonight :)
Friday, May 2, 2008
The BIG DAY
Well, I realize I will never be able to catch up on everything that I've experienced on my TTC journey over the past 22 months. But little by little, I'll try to share with you some of the 'highlighted' moments (and please don't be mistaken, 'highlights' don't necessarily mean they were happy times).
Perhaps the most memorable TTC moment yet to date was January 9, 2008. It was my 8th cycle of Clomid (no breaks), and I was on post-Peak injections of hCG for the 3rd time (not in a row). Around P+5, I began to feel much different than I had felt in any previous cycle. Don't get me wrong, I'm the Queen of False Early Pregnancy Symptoms, but this time it wasn't just the symptoms but a feeling... a feeling of life inside of me. It sounds crazy. Having never been pregnant, how would I know what life inside of me feels like? But I felt it, I truly did.
I went online and researched everything there was about hCG in the system. From what I read, I knew that after my last injection (P+9) if I tested at P+16 it would be completely out of my system, and even if there was some tiny amount still lingering, it would not be enough for a digital test to pick up.
So, on the morning of P+16, 2 days late for my period (and I'm never late, even on the previous hCG injection cycles), with shaking hands I went into our guest bathroom and took out my "pee" cup. I rarely test anymore these days, since it's been such a waste of money (not to mention time). I got out a digital OPK and a digital HPT... the plan was to test with the OPK first, since that is even LESS sensitive to the hCG (hCG being similar in make-up to LH). I peed in the cup. I prayed Hail Mary after Hail Mary. Dipped the OPK in, and 20 seconds later, dipped the HPT in. The OPK showed a smiley face after about 45 seconds- - I immediately felt my heart pounding in my chest and only had to wait about 10 more seconds for the HPT to pop up with the word "Pregnant." Falling to my knees in prayers of thanksgiving, I knew it hadn't even completely hit me yet. I wasn't sure what to feel, I just knew that this was the moment I had been waiting for for SO long, and suddenly all of that time disappeared as my dream became realized... it all became worth it. Worth EVERYTHING. The shots, the mood swings, the black and blue marks on my veins, the bigger black and blue marks on my rear end (gotta love progesterone injections), the depleted savings account, and the agony every month of seeing a negative test or the arrival of my period. It suddenly did not matter one bit anymore. My prayers had been heard, and were answered!
I went in to my Dr's office after school that day (I didn't tell my husband yet... after 18 months I had developed so many neat little plans for telling him, and wanted to arrange something special). I brought the digital test with me and showed the secretary (it's a small office, and they all know me well)- - the nurse took my blood for a beta, and my Dr. came in to give me a hug but also to warn me that the test may have been altered by the hCG shots. I told her not to worry- that I "felt" pregnant." She hugged me again and said she'd call me immediately the next day when the beta count came back.
Over the next 24 hrs, the thought really began to sink in. "I'm really pregnant!" I don't know how many times I talked to my baby that afternoon/night, suffice to say I kept whispering, "I have loved you soooo much" and "I have been waiting for you," rubbing my belly, and humming lullabies. I knew at that point of development that the baby could not hear me, but I did feel strongly that my state of elation would provide a sweet, happy, safe dwelling place for my little bean.
Everything came crashing down the following day at 1:00. I had just missed the call from the Dr (I was at work), so went into the storage room to retrieve my messages... "I am so sorry to leave this on your machine, but I thought you'd be waiting to hear the news all day. Your hCG level came back at 10. And your progesterone was 4.6, so this must have been residual hCG from your shots. I would guess that your period will arrive tomorrow..." Now, I've never had a miscarriage, and I thank God every day for not entrusting me with that cross, because I do not think I am strong enough for that. But if this didn't feel like a loss, then I don't know what else would. The fact that I still remember the date (Jan 10th) shows how much of an impact this day made on my life.
Now, I can't explain why something like this would happen. But having felt what I felt, I know now that I can and will never give up. I have felt what it's like to be pregnant, to know true and utter bliss, regardless of whether it was all in my head or not. And I remember the feeling of "all of this has been worth it!" No matter how much longer this Via Dolorosa may be for me, it doesn't matter anymore. I've been given a glimpse at the end of the tunnel, so I know it's out there, and I will continue as long as I need to.
Perhaps the most memorable TTC moment yet to date was January 9, 2008. It was my 8th cycle of Clomid (no breaks), and I was on post-Peak injections of hCG for the 3rd time (not in a row). Around P+5, I began to feel much different than I had felt in any previous cycle. Don't get me wrong, I'm the Queen of False Early Pregnancy Symptoms, but this time it wasn't just the symptoms but a feeling... a feeling of life inside of me. It sounds crazy. Having never been pregnant, how would I know what life inside of me feels like? But I felt it, I truly did.
I went online and researched everything there was about hCG in the system. From what I read, I knew that after my last injection (P+9) if I tested at P+16 it would be completely out of my system, and even if there was some tiny amount still lingering, it would not be enough for a digital test to pick up.
So, on the morning of P+16, 2 days late for my period (and I'm never late, even on the previous hCG injection cycles), with shaking hands I went into our guest bathroom and took out my "pee" cup. I rarely test anymore these days, since it's been such a waste of money (not to mention time). I got out a digital OPK and a digital HPT... the plan was to test with the OPK first, since that is even LESS sensitive to the hCG (hCG being similar in make-up to LH). I peed in the cup. I prayed Hail Mary after Hail Mary. Dipped the OPK in, and 20 seconds later, dipped the HPT in. The OPK showed a smiley face after about 45 seconds- - I immediately felt my heart pounding in my chest and only had to wait about 10 more seconds for the HPT to pop up with the word "Pregnant." Falling to my knees in prayers of thanksgiving, I knew it hadn't even completely hit me yet. I wasn't sure what to feel, I just knew that this was the moment I had been waiting for for SO long, and suddenly all of that time disappeared as my dream became realized... it all became worth it. Worth EVERYTHING. The shots, the mood swings, the black and blue marks on my veins, the bigger black and blue marks on my rear end (gotta love progesterone injections), the depleted savings account, and the agony every month of seeing a negative test or the arrival of my period. It suddenly did not matter one bit anymore. My prayers had been heard, and were answered!
I went in to my Dr's office after school that day (I didn't tell my husband yet... after 18 months I had developed so many neat little plans for telling him, and wanted to arrange something special). I brought the digital test with me and showed the secretary (it's a small office, and they all know me well)- - the nurse took my blood for a beta, and my Dr. came in to give me a hug but also to warn me that the test may have been altered by the hCG shots. I told her not to worry- that I "felt" pregnant." She hugged me again and said she'd call me immediately the next day when the beta count came back.
Over the next 24 hrs, the thought really began to sink in. "I'm really pregnant!" I don't know how many times I talked to my baby that afternoon/night, suffice to say I kept whispering, "I have loved you soooo much" and "I have been waiting for you," rubbing my belly, and humming lullabies. I knew at that point of development that the baby could not hear me, but I did feel strongly that my state of elation would provide a sweet, happy, safe dwelling place for my little bean.
Everything came crashing down the following day at 1:00. I had just missed the call from the Dr (I was at work), so went into the storage room to retrieve my messages... "I am so sorry to leave this on your machine, but I thought you'd be waiting to hear the news all day. Your hCG level came back at 10. And your progesterone was 4.6, so this must have been residual hCG from your shots. I would guess that your period will arrive tomorrow..." Now, I've never had a miscarriage, and I thank God every day for not entrusting me with that cross, because I do not think I am strong enough for that. But if this didn't feel like a loss, then I don't know what else would. The fact that I still remember the date (Jan 10th) shows how much of an impact this day made on my life.
Now, I can't explain why something like this would happen. But having felt what I felt, I know now that I can and will never give up. I have felt what it's like to be pregnant, to know true and utter bliss, regardless of whether it was all in my head or not. And I remember the feeling of "all of this has been worth it!" No matter how much longer this Via Dolorosa may be for me, it doesn't matter anymore. I've been given a glimpse at the end of the tunnel, so I know it's out there, and I will continue as long as I need to.
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