Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

and a Happy, Fertile New Year to all of my blog friends :)

I was so proud of myself all day yesterday (Christmas Eve has always been the "bigger" holiday for my family. My mom's Italian, so we do the whole 7 fish dinner thing.) Not once did I break down, even while opening gifts, and wondering if we'd ever get to watch our child opening gifts. Then all my sisters went home, and it was me, DH, and my parents.

While watching some caroling on tv, my mom showed me a book she had put together of all kinds of homemade cards and letters we all had written when we were little. (Letters to Santa, Father's Day cards, etc.) I had seen most of them before, and it's so funny to go through all of them and see just how much our personalities shone through in our childhood "work."

Towards the end of the book, I saw a paper I had never seen before (well, not since I did it anyway). I recognized my handwriting right away. It must have been when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. The paper was titled "Thinking About the Future," and the very first question was, "When you grow up, if you could be anything in the whole world, like a firefighter, teacher, astronaut, etc., what would you be?"

My answer? "A Good Mother."

Looking at my innocent handwriting spelling out those words, I felt the hot tears starting to well up in my eyes. I always knew that I've wanted nothing more than to be a mother since I was a little girl... but actually seeing it IN WRITING was too much to handle. Later in the questionnaire it asked, "When will you consider yourself to be grown-up?" The answers were, when you get your license, when you can drink, when you own a house, etc., and my answer was When I get Married.

Memories of elementary school came flooding back while reading that paper. I remember thinking I couldn't wait to get married... not even just for the sake of having a husband, but mostly so that THEN I could finally start having children. It's been pretty emotional for me today, after reading what I wrote. I did have to excuse myself when we got home from Mass to have a good cry in the bathroom. I'm feeling a little better now... I just hope and pray that 2009 will bring the one thing my heart has desired from the time I was 7 years old.

I hope all of you have been enjoying a very blessed Christmas. I prayed and lit a candle for all of you today (well, not one candle for each, one collaborative candle for the group... I'm not Rockefeller)! May God Bless all of us and bring us His everlasting peace.

7 comments:

Life In Mazes said...

I am so glad that overall you had an amazing Christmas celebration. In regard to your answers to the questions, I think God may use this a reminder to you that in all the stages in your life, you have had a purity of heart and you were always able to recognize your God-given mission in life. I believe that God will give you the desires of your heart and he plans to fulfill them in a most amazing way. I can definitely understand why this was so hard to take, but how beautiful that your mother loved you so much to hold onto it and share it with you all these years later. Sounds like you have a wonderful mother and you will be one, too:)

Find joy in every journey said...

Oh Amy!! I am so glad you had a wonderful Christmas. Isn't it just amazing when those feelings of IF strike? Do you think this was a way your mom was trying to be with you in your suffering? I know that my mom just doesn't know what to say or do and sometimes she can relate better to me as a child. How precious that she shared this with you. You will be a Good Mother and you already are a wonderful wife. Enjoy the Christmas season!

Fight The Good Fight of Faith said...

Thank-you for lighting that candle :) you are sweet.
God Bless You and give you your heart desires in this New Year!!

Sew Infertile said...

FJIEJ-I think she nailed it on the head about our mother's relating better to us as children than maybe women. ? Or maybe that is infertile women. Maybe they can relate more when we become Mother's? hmmm...

Thanks for the candle lighting!

But even the end of the story had a bittersweet ending. It did sound like your mother was reaching out. Telling you in her own way to not loose hope, keep the little girl faith alive! :)

LifeHopes said...

This post really got the tears flowing. In fact I first read it a few days ago and was so overcome with emotion I was unable to post a comment!

All I can say is that I truly believe that you WILL be a mother, and that perhaps this whole thing is a reminder that God hasn't forgotten the desires of your heart because HE put them there, even when you were just a girl.

A vocation isn't something we choose for ourselves, it is a calling from God that we accept. This is your calling and you've always known it.

Perhaps IF will one day only be just a bump in the road for all of us.

Teresa said...

Thank you for commenting! And I'm glad I have another blog to read now too! I am so excited about Creighton. More excited than I've been about anything regarding IF so far. :)

Hear My Cry said...

How touching. Big hugs friend.