I've never felt more barren in my life.
Last night's party was, as expected, a constant struggle of emotions. Excited to have the kids here, but never more aware of my own infertility. I was forced to put MY children next door with my in-laws, because the 1 yr old couldn't handle my very friendly puppy (I felt SO BAD. Quincy just LOVES kids, and no kids like him because he's too in-your-face and wiggly around them.) Uzi was fine with those 2 boys, so we kept him. Then my other friend showed up with his 3 kids, and they are not used to animals AT ALL. The girls were freaked, and Uzi was just sitting there! Since we couldn't handle the screams anymore, we put Uzi next door, too. :( (Remind me to bring my dogs to parties from now on, and start telling people to put their kids outside because my dogs don't like them.)
Anyway, the other friends who were going to bring their dog couldn't make it. So it was JUST us and all the kids. The one guy with 3 kids, along with the other married couple with 2 boys, are in my singing group. Remember, the group where everyone had kids except me? Well, another member, who's wife was going through those miscarriages, ended up quitting the group... but my girlfriend still keeps in touch with his wife. She apparently got pg again immediately, and is now 19 or 20 wks along, with a girl. So, during my party, my friend decides to talk about this girl's pregnancy with the mother of 3. Then the conversation shifts gear into talking about their pregnancies. I couldn't believe it! They BOTH know about what I'm going through!!
Later, when the friends with 2 boys left, Rob was entertaining the rest of the kids in the guest room with the chinchilla :) (Afraid of dogs, but loved the rodent? Go figure.)
The mother of 3 started talking to me about TTC. Her husband told her that we had been experiencing problems, because they had, as well. She told me that they tried for their 1st for 1 yr and 1/2, and that her regular Dr put her on months and months of Clomid, only to find out she wasn't ovulating on it. She went to IVF NJ (this is a Catholic couple), and they put her on "a drug like Clomid" and she conceived the first month. Then they did the same drug for the twins.
I can understand that 1 yr and 1/2, no matter what the reason for IF, is long enough to warrant suffering. But I just couldn't really "connect" to her story of woe, especially since ALL she needed was to ovulate in order to get pg. Is that mean of me? I just don't see how that is anywhere near the plethora of issues I have wrong with my body.
Well, this morning I woke up, looked out my window at the frozen, white ground, dead leaves and trees, and just felt EXACTLY like that barren earth. I figured out that most of the time, I look at my infertility objectively. I guess that has become my defense mechanism. It's really the only way I can go about my daily life. I wouldn't be a very good Practitioner, for example, if I was constantly bursting into tears whenever I saw a white baby stamp on one of my client's charts! And I would make a HORRIBLE facilitator for the IF Support Group if I really gave in to how I feel deep inside. Come to think of it, most people, including my friend who was talking so blatantly about her pregnancies in front of me last night, and all of you, see my in this light. I can't really blame her for being so candid and insensitive, because I ALWAYS treat my IF as an entity outside of myself.
But not today. Today it is really hitting home. Every bone in my body feels the pain. Every corner of my soul is in question- why? Why don't I work? I am not a REAL woman. I'm not a real person. I am empty.