Sunday, December 21, 2008

Barren

I've never felt more barren in my life.

Last night's party was, as expected, a constant struggle of emotions. Excited to have the kids here, but never more aware of my own infertility. I was forced to put MY children next door with my in-laws, because the 1 yr old couldn't handle my very friendly puppy (I felt SO BAD. Quincy just LOVES kids, and no kids like him because he's too in-your-face and wiggly around them.) Uzi was fine with those 2 boys, so we kept him. Then my other friend showed up with his 3 kids, and they are not used to animals AT ALL. The girls were freaked, and Uzi was just sitting there! Since we couldn't handle the screams anymore, we put Uzi next door, too. :( (Remind me to bring my dogs to parties from now on, and start telling people to put their kids outside because my dogs don't like them.)

Anyway, the other friends who were going to bring their dog couldn't make it. So it was JUST us and all the kids. The one guy with 3 kids, along with the other married couple with 2 boys, are in my singing group. Remember, the group where everyone had kids except me? Well, another member, who's wife was going through those miscarriages, ended up quitting the group... but my girlfriend still keeps in touch with his wife. She apparently got pg again immediately, and is now 19 or 20 wks along, with a girl. So, during my party, my friend decides to talk about this girl's pregnancy with the mother of 3. Then the conversation shifts gear into talking about their pregnancies. I couldn't believe it! They BOTH know about what I'm going through!!

Later, when the friends with 2 boys left, Rob was entertaining the rest of the kids in the guest room with the chinchilla :) (Afraid of dogs, but loved the rodent? Go figure.)
The mother of 3 started talking to me about TTC. Her husband told her that we had been experiencing problems, because they had, as well. She told me that they tried for their 1st for 1 yr and 1/2, and that her regular Dr put her on months and months of Clomid, only to find out she wasn't ovulating on it. She went to IVF NJ (this is a Catholic couple), and they put her on "a drug like Clomid" and she conceived the first month. Then they did the same drug for the twins.
I can understand that 1 yr and 1/2, no matter what the reason for IF, is long enough to warrant suffering. But I just couldn't really "connect" to her story of woe, especially since ALL she needed was to ovulate in order to get pg. Is that mean of me? I just don't see how that is anywhere near the plethora of issues I have wrong with my body.

Well, this morning I woke up, looked out my window at the frozen, white ground, dead leaves and trees, and just felt EXACTLY like that barren earth. I figured out that most of the time, I look at my infertility objectively. I guess that has become my defense mechanism. It's really the only way I can go about my daily life. I wouldn't be a very good Practitioner, for example, if I was constantly bursting into tears whenever I saw a white baby stamp on one of my client's charts! And I would make a HORRIBLE facilitator for the IF Support Group if I really gave in to how I feel deep inside. Come to think of it, most people, including my friend who was talking so blatantly about her pregnancies in front of me last night, and all of you, see my in this light. I can't really blame her for being so candid and insensitive, because I ALWAYS treat my IF as an entity outside of myself.

But not today. Today it is really hitting home. Every bone in my body feels the pain. Every corner of my soul is in question- why? Why don't I work? I am not a REAL woman. I'm not a real person. I am empty.

18 comments:

Find joy in every journey said...

Ok, you are NOT worthless. You are a beautiful child of God. You are following His plan for your life and totally giving to Him! Your vocation is your marriage to your DH and I believe that you are an excellent wife! I understand how the barrenness can overwhelm us. I will pray for you!!

Life In Mazes said...

You are such an inspiration to me and I want to offer you my prayers because I know that this is a hard time of year to just grin and bear the pain alone. I was praying for you last night bc I just knew that no matter how well you braced yourself for the emotions, they still slap us in the face and people really do believe that IF is not really as big a deal as we feel it is. They are not going through the monthly highs and lows with us every month. I know that you are going to have a beautiful Christmas becase the Infant Christ lives in your heart. I would never choose the word barren to describe the essence of your life. You are one of the most kind and generous people I have come to know in the blogging world and your words bring me and so many others such great comfort. I have the immediate reaction of saying your friend's comments STINK LIKE ROTTEN POO! They were not being kind or charitable and I am sorry you had to put your dogs in with your in laws. I hope next year you are too busy trying to meet all the needs of your little one to have time to worry about insensitive comments from silly people. Your life brings joy to so many and I believe there will be a little life that will one day bring so much joy to you and your husband. My prayers are with and I am praying that last evening does not have a chance to steal your Christmas joy :)

Life In Mazes said...

One more thought, read today's gospel. There is a line that reminds us that "Elizabeth is now six months along, the one who was called barren." Not a direct quote, but what is etched into my heart today.

And I love the idea of bringing your dogs to the next party at one of your friends homes. I never saw it that way before. HE HE!

Sew Infertile said...

I hear you! Every single word! They don't understand. PERIOD! PERIOD! PERIOD! We are on the same wave lenth today, I love how you said-feeling my barenness today. I feel mine.

Maybe this will cheer you up! I went to the dictionary to look up barren. Not like that will cheer you up. But you can hear the word, if you press the button. So I started saying loudly I am (pressing button) and the man says BARREN!

Maybe that might not be fun to you. But it sure is funny! Maybe I need a looney bin.

Vent-ilation said...

You are NOT barren. When we first started this 'journey,' I thought barren and infertile were synonymous, but I'm learning they are not. We IF-ers have hope that we can and will conceive someday. I go back to a reading from a few weeks ago, I think, from Peter, about one day with the Lord being like a thousand years and a thousand years being like a day. A lot of times it sure feels like a thousand years that we're struggling, but in His plans, what is the timeline, really? It's so frustrating not to know, but knowing that He has plans in His own time for us, can be freeing.

It seems we're all starting to feel sadness and anxiety as Christmas approaches. I'm sorry your friends were so insensitive last night. Even those who have 'gone through it' in their own way. That's not what you need right now.

Oh, and I think when you facilitate the support group, it's okay to express your fears and frustrations. It will let the other members know it's okay and 'normal' to feel such a range of emotions. Thank you for opening up in your blog, comments, and e-mails.

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

Wow. You are sick.

LMAO, just kidding :P

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

That last comment was meant for Sew Infertile, by the way... I must have posted just after you, Vent.

Sew Infertile said...

Liar! You know it was meant for Vent! hahahaha Could you imagine if she would have thought you were calling her SICK! hahahahaha Her beautiful post, and that is how you repay her! I can't stop laughing! I know you did it! You heard the man's voice! It was so funny! LMAO!!!

I mean here you write this beautiful post and that is my comment. I really thought it was a great post, and you can tell we are both on the same wave length today.

I agree with Life& vent, we are not barren, but barren is such a better word to describe the feelings of infertility.

allyouwhohope said...

I totally know what you mean about comparing your infertility to others. That is a HUGE problem I have...especially when someone is telling me a "success" story. Sometimes I don't think I'm happy unless the person has the EXACT same situation as me - been trying 4 1/2 years, PCOS, endo, you name it! Only THEN would I take comfort in their story. I know it's not good, but it's just one of those things I guess!

And Sew - you are crazy! I love your ability to lighten the mood!

Vent-ilation said...

Well, I guess I'm little sick, too. I went and tried Sew's dictionary game. Remember that old game, Speak & Spe.ll? He sounds like that voice! LOL Hey,whatever makes us laugh!!

Fight The Good Fight of Faith said...

I don't know what to say. I feel for you. I would have probably drank a whole bottle of wine and then been completely frank with everyone and would have no friends left...I've done that before, luckily i did it to family who ended up understanding a bit and forgave me!!

BTW I read your comment last night and thought of you all evening. This morning I woke up and felt like I should tell you to just offer this suffering up to God, this moment of complete utter suffering offer it to Him, maybe for someone else that you know that is struggling as well. I know that once you do you will be consoled and you will be given the Grace to fully enjoy the gift of Christmas. I know it won't be easy to just offer it up but sometimes this works for me. Sometimes.
Peace!

JellyBelly said...

fertile people suck.

[i almost mean that, really]

this christmas is even harder that years past. perhaps it's reminding me that it's been over 3 years and we still don't have a child to show for all of the testing, prodding, and needles. it's also frustrating since everyone we know just seems to get pregnant with NO EFFORT!

i'm struggling to find meaning in our journey. it just seems like it's become more and more difficult to do so.

Hafsa said...

you work, you work, you work. I promise you work! I have felt broken (literally) so many times on this IF journey so I know how you feel, but IF or not, we still function and we still feel. That's why it too frustrates me when those aware of our situations treat us as if we're bulletproof to pg news. I know it's selfish of us to not find joy in someone else able to give life, but darn it let us wallow! I wish just for once that ppl could see us and understand the pain and the misery that comes with IF, it's not something that we can just roll over and accept. I'm sure the folks at the party meant no intentional harm but yeah it sucks. Especially when you hear how easy it was for someone who had IVF or something else outrageous to conceive a child and you're trying to follow the will of God and abide by all of the Catholic teachings etc. and yet you struggle. Yeah I know.

I laughed out loud about bringing your dogs to parties and telling others to put their kids outside. I love it. Our puppy Champ is so hyper and he loves people, but he's a jumper so anytime someone comes over, we end up having to put him outside or in one of our rooms and he whimpers so loud. It's so hard to hear that, bc he just wants to make friends :)

My prayers are with darling, so change that blog to "BLESSED are the barren" ;)

Hafsa said...

LMAO after reading sew infertile's comments and laughing even HARDER after TCIE'S responses. You are BOTH sick...where's the loony bin cart for you two?

Sometimes I wish that when fertile people discuss babies and pg, I could interrupt and say, "do you mind some of us at this table are BARREN" make them feel bad for once...hey they do it to us all the time. How about we make them feel uncomfortable? Schmucks.

Beth said...

You guys are all being awfully mean to fertile people - and that could be you at any time! :)

Hope you feel better, TCIE. And I hope you have a Merry Christmas!

Hafsa said...

Sorry Beth :( We love you though :)

kcmarie122 said...

Ugh...I can so relate to everything you expressed here. I'm sorry it is an especially tough time for you! Will be saying lots of prayers for you!

Hugs!!!

LifeHopes said...

Wow. Did I just write that post? I totally could have.

Just left Canada, where I must have said over a hundred times to P, "The weather here is just about as barren as me."

I think this Christmas is especially difficult for all of us -- even though our situations are different, they are the same. We all long to be mothers, and it hasn't happened yet. We don't know whether it ever will, and yet everyone we know seems to be getting pregnant and blabbering all about it to us as if it doesn't hurt us.

I have struggled and suffered and cried more this Christmas than I ever thought were possible. It was the longest Christmas I have ever endured. I know it sounds terrible, but it's true. I have prayed for God's mercy over and over because without it I will collapse under the weight of this cross.