Saturday, November 1, 2008

Happy Infertile Halloween

A dear friend here on blogosphere is having a particularly bad IF day today. I'm sure we can all relate.

It got me to thinking about Halloween. A day full of family. Families dressing up together, trick-or-treating together... and no where for the IF couple to hide. Unlike other family events that we can avoid, Halloween is very in your face about its child-orientation. Unless you want to be a hermit all day and night, and lock yourself up in a dark house, you are going to have to see dozens, maybe hundreds, of happy young children... and mommies and daddies.

This year was not so bad for me personally. But last year? Worse than Thanksgiving and Christmas combined. I was at the end of my 2WW, and VERY hopeful. I spent the evening handing out candy with DH at the town firehouse (he is a volunteer firefighter). All evening long, I smiled and greeted happy, adorable little children, some of whom were students of mine, and when no one was looking?... I'd sneak in a little tummy rub to let MY adorable little child know I was thinking of him/her. As I watched daddies carrying babies dressed up like pumpkins on their shoulders, I pictured DH doing that same thing in 2 years time.

Then I came home. Went to the bathroom. And there she was. One of the only times I have started so late at night. I was so enraged, hurt, frustrated, devastated, desparate... all I could think to do was to take my anger out on something. I started banging on the walls (until I heard the sound of breaking glass... I had broken the Papal Blessing hanging on the other side of the wall), and then slunk into a ball in the corner of the shower to hyperventilate. No, I exaggerate not.

That was one of my lowest moments ever. The night I broke the Pope. And here I am, a year later. A year wiser? That's debatable. But a year more seasoned? Certainly. I rarely have those kinds of breakdowns anymore. Ugly cries, yes, but losing all control, no. I would have to say that Year 1 of IF was the most desperate and frustrating (full of "why me," and "how could this be"), Year 2 was the most heartwrenching and depressing, and Year 3? Thus far it has been something altogether different. Not sure exactly how to describe it; it's as if I have learned to give over the control, but in doing so, gained some of it back. Like I have resigned to the fact that I do not have the final word in when and how and if I will get pg... but along with that resignation has come a determination to do everything that IS within my power to do, therefore giving me a bit more control than I've ever really had in the past.

Now it is officially All Saints' Day. And so I leave you all with a prayer to all of the Saints, for peace in our hearts, love in our lives, and a fulfillment of God's awesome will. May God bless us all.

10 comments:

Meridith said...

We decided to hide out this year... which is becoming more and more common for me. (((hugs)))

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

Thank you for posting this! I can totally relate to your breakdown of years 1, 2 and 3 of IF. One could argue that this whole ordeal is growing us in faith, wisdom, maturity, etc... although it's hard for me to admit that. I DON'T want to admit that this pain and suffering has brought about some good, but I guess I should. Because that is what the cross is about, right?? If our cross is united to the cross of Christ, then we can clearly see the "good" and the "purpose" of His cross. So we all do our best to pick up our cross and follow him.
I'm rambling here, but you have got me thinking...
Happy All Saints Day!

Sew Infertile said...

My mother always gives me a good analogy when I am suffering. She says that when I feel happy and everything is going smoothly, that is me resting my head on God's shoulder. When I am suffering and in pain that is God resting His head on my shoulder. There is something about year 3. It's glorious! I feel like something has changed as well. Should we have a welcome to year 3 of infertility party! (me being sarcastic, because its still not all that great) hahahahaha

allyouwhohope said...

Okay, you guys calling it year three has made me realize this is my year five. That's kinda depressing. I hadn't really thought about it like that!!

As someone on year five (ouch).. I can say that it gets a little easier every year. I used to read about people farther along than me talk about being numb. I know what they mean now. Believe me, I'm not totally numb, I wish I was sometimes! But my emotions aren't as raw anymore, like you described in the "Night You Broke The Pope" (great name by the way). I don't lose it like I used to, but I do cry all day a few times a year.

It's funny because when I answered the door last night I didn't think about how lucky those people were for having kids. Instead I looked at their cute kids (especially the very little ones) and thought, "I could take that kid right now as my own!" Okay, I'm not a kidnapper, but I was thinking in terms of adoption! I didn't think about how I did that til now. I think that's a positive sign, though, that my thoughts are evolving!

I'm glad you are feeling better a year later. Happy All Saints Day!

kcmarie122 said...

Yup, I felt exactly the same way about years 1 and 2 and now 3. It definitely seems to get easier with time, though not that it will ever be easy.

Thanks for sharing your story! I know we've all had those "Night I Broke the Pope" kind of days!

Beth said...

As someone on the other side, I honestly can say I don't really remember much about the infertile years - and I almost hit year 5!! We got our bfp the morning before our 4th anniversary. I'm really grateful the memories of those years are hazy... But I do remember some very low points, crying, breakdowns, etc. You guys are all in my prayers.

Hafsa said...

I love reading this blog bc you have gone through so many of the feelings that I'm just beginning to see in myself, so I guess there's hope that my anger and why me's will eventually fade away.

JellyBelly said...

i focussed on my cute students and their first grade one hallowe'en. i was way too tired to feel anything after dealing with 20 sugar-filled 6 year olds. lucky for us we had hardly any kids (as usual) so i have a BIG bowl of tasty treats tempting me in my kitchen.

it's my year three too and i'm just feeling more and more numb to being baby-less.

eilyn said...

I went through a misscarriage last year and sometimes i hide in my closet (it's not a walk-in)and just stare into space as i try fight the tears. I think if i hide in the closet even God won't see me. When i think back of what could have been, how old the child would have been right now had i not miscarried i feel as if i'm dissappointing God because i haven't accepted what has happened, so i hide in my closet. Most of the time I'm okay, the odd time the emotions just come rushing in without a warning.

Sew Infertile said...

Are you going to adoration tonight with everyone? Actually I am not being so forward in asking, I just wasn't sure if you knew about it. Thank you so much for meeting us early last night! I hope it didn't cause too much disruption in your schedule!