Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Antsy

So here I am again in the waiting stages of this TTC journey. I remember the months before my surgery, when I decided not to take Clomid (Feb and Mar '08), seemed to go SOOO very slowly. But at the same time, I was filled with eager anticipation at the prospect of being HEALED! And now? Here I am again.

I don't know what Dr. Toth's diagnoses will be for DH and me. I'm scared of finding out what it is that has been attacking my reproductive system. I'm scared that our course of treatment will be extensive, and costly. I'm scared that some of the treatments we may need may be painful. (Uterine washes, prostate injections.) But mostly I'm scared (and I'm jumping WAY ahead here) that whatever treatment course we follow will not work. If our infection/s have been working on us for years and years, there's a possibility that they will never "go away." What then?

It hasn't even been a week since my DA. I still have 2 1/2 weeks to go until I get the results. And then? Possibly 3 months of treatment, maybe more? I just don't know. I do know that we aren't allowed to TTC until after treatment ceases. Will I be able to TTC again this year? Before Christmas? It would be so sad if we couldn't :(

With all of the $$$ we're pouring out for this, we've decided it's best to just go forward with the Getting Pregnant plan (as opposed to the adoption plan) for now. We just can't feasibly start looking into an adoption process which will cost thousands, when we're also spending thousands on treatment for IF. I just hope our patience pays off in the end. I know that's not the point of patience. But I can't help but feel that God called us to this path, and steered us away from adoption right now. He must have done this for a reason, right?

I am not taking Femara this cycle. I figured what's the point? Why medicate if there's little to no chance of conceiving yet? I'll go back on, and pull out all the stops, as soon as we are able to TTC after treatment.

We're getting all cleaned up and ready for you, Baby! Our hopes for you are to be as healthy as you can be from conception to death- and never have to experience any of the pain of IF due to infections we could pass to you (if not treated). In a way, it's been a blessing that we have not conceived you yet. But we'll be ready for you... soon. Soon.

6 comments:

LifeHopes said...

I think you have the best attitude about this. It is so true we have to be as healthy as we can be before we become mothers, and not only for ourselves, but for all the many, many children we're going to have, of course!!

Call me crazy but I am still holding out for all of us in the Catholic IF blog-world to be fertile myrtles once we get all our problems solved.

The day we all become mothers ... well that is the day we are going to meet somewhere in real person and have the BIGGEST CELEBRATION EVER!!!

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

I can so see that happening, too :) We'll have to meet at one of those NaPro Baby Celebrations... I know they're organizing a big 25-yr celebration at PPVI in 2010... hmmm, that should be perfect timing by my calculations... ;)

Hafsa said...

I will be praying for your healing. I am actually planning on going to a healing mass this Sunday and it will be my first one. I will be praying for you. I do know what you mean about adoption and it not being the right time. I go back and forth because my husband thinks we should wait a little while longer. Totally agree about the financial issues tied with IF

andnotbysight said...

I'm so glad you've been posting about this! I told my husband when you posted about your appointment, and he said "Can we buy that book right now?" So, we just got Dr. Toth's book in the mail yesterday. Really interesting stuff!

Please remind me if I forget, too--I found some really good links for adoption grants and low interest or no interest loans. I thought I'd share them!

Jodi said...

I can't imagine how agonizing it must be to wait on these kinds of results. I'm glad you two are focusing on getting pg on your own instead of looking into adoption. I have such high hopes for you conceiving after they treat this infection. I can't wait to hear the news and course of treatment. I'll continue to keep the two of you in my prayers :)

allyouwhohope said...

I think the waiting is the hardest part of all of this. Well, that and the not knowing how it's all going to turn out.

I pray that you can have patience and that it goes by quickly. The four months I just waited actually flew by, so it can be done!