Monday, September 22, 2008

I am Simon of Cyrene

I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days. I've been thinking of just how blessed I am, to have been given my infertility. Now before you curse at your computer screen and click away from this blog with a vow never to return, let me back up and explain:

God has chosen me, just as Simon of Cyrene was chosen, to help His Son carry His cross. We Catholics all understand the idea of redemptive suffering, and "offering it up" (man I used to hate those words as a kid, when all I wanted to do was whine and get my way). Well, God decided that I should be called to offer myself in this way; that I should be chosen to make the burden of Jesus' cross lighter, through my suffering. And He trusted me SO MUCH, that he chose the one and only way in which I would ever truly suffer: infertility.

My lot in life could have been to be without a home, or possessions. But God knows me. He knows that material things are not what is important to me. His plan for me could have been to be physically handicapped, to never marry, or to lose close family members. But He knows that in all of these things, I would have found an alternate calling for my life, prayed for guidance, and carried on in my new vocation. God knows me so well, (He who formed me before I was in my mother's womb), that He lead me to a place in life where I was ready in every way to have children, but could not. And in giving me the gift of infertility, He has given me the most precious gift of closeness to His Son.

The only plan I have ever made for my life was to be a mother. God knows this. He knows just how much I cherish the thought of motherhood, how much I would love my children, and how much I value all life from conception to natural death. So He gave me the opportunity to make the biggest and best sacrifice of my life, and to offer that sacrifice for Jesus. What a perfectly awesome idea! How great is God's love for me? I am so blessed to be able to return it in such a concrete and tangible way.

Of course, God also knew this would not be easy. That's kind of the point. How can you offer up suffering to Jesus if it's a cake-walk? Even Jesus himself pleaded with His Father from the garden the night before His crucifixion. And, since I am not Jesus (no where near), I know that I will continue to pray fervently and feverishly that this cup pass me by. But the more I suffer, the more I have to give.

Never have I felt more loved by God than I have in the past few days, when I finally wrapped my mind around this concept. I still do pray that each failed month of TTC be offered for a new life that would have been aborted or miscarried. It makes me feel good to think that my suffering is not only doing good for Jesus in heaven, but also good on earth.

Thank you, God. Thank you for this chance to show you just how much I love you. Thank you for showing me just how much you love me. Please hold my hand through this journey when times get tough, as I will surely need it.

7 comments:

Beth said...

What a beautiful post. I can remember feeling the same way.... that God chose the worst possible suffering for me, and that is was such a powerful prayer to offer it up. We are blessed as Catholics to realize how much our sufferings can really help the world.

LifeHopes said...

I really admire you for feeling this way. Sometimes I feel like I am really embracing that cross, and other times I feel like a total failure. I am so thankful for my blog friends for always keeping me grounded and lifting me up when I am down.

Also, thanks for sharing the comment about the mesh stuff, that gives me some hope for October!

The Apostolate of Hannah's Tears said...

Beautiful!!! God is good...

Hafsa said...

Wow! Very well put, someday I pray that I will be in this frame of mind. My goodness! I love the part in your post where you write that God knows above all else your one desire, the one area (being a mother) in your life that you would be able to experience true suffering. You are such a good writer and through these harder times for me, your posts shed new light on what I sometimes feel is a curse. This is God's will, let it be done to me according to His word. Excellent post. Keep 'em coming.

Rela Pantaleon-Manigsaca said...

Hi,I found you on Mel's (Stirrup Queen) blog roll.

I, too, had only dreamt of motherhood despite professional success and financial abundance. And I commend you for looking at infertility as a gift - to be offered as a living sacrifice. This is just like David who said that he will not give (to God) that which costs him nothing.

I blog on IF separately under my pseudonym Arpee @ The Saga of Becoming Fruitful

Jodi said...

You have such a positive outlook on things right now; I adore that about you. You are one brave and intelligent woman. I pray that your trust in God will lead you to what you truly long for and that your suffering does not break you, but make you stronger :)

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

I am new to all these infertility blogs, but I want to thank you for sharing your story with this online community. I have found so much support and encouragement through these blogs. I just started one myself! Thanks again...

http://theplansihaveforyou.blogspot.com/