Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Funk

My parents say they never swore (at least, not in English, my Mom was all about the southern-Italian dialect swears) when I was little. But for some reason, I fell off the couch at age 2 and proclaimed, "Oh, my funking head!" Don't know where I could have picked that up from.

But that's not what this post is about. It's about the funk I've been in lately. For a while there, I actually thought I had some key insights into my infertility, the reason for my suffering, the ways to suffer properly... I actually had some kind of peace with it all. But for the past few days, I can't seem to shake this feeling of desperation. What's worse is that my marriage is suffering because of it. We've had some real nasty fights lately, all stemming from the fact that I have this unhealthy NEED to be productive. So, on days when I have no clients for follow-up, I HAVE to keep busy somehow, and "produce" something. (I've only recently figured this all out, after DH pointed it out to me.) Most recently, it has been setting up the new office and guest room upstairs. We live in an attachment apartment on my IL's house, and upstairs there is a studio apt (that my newly-divorced SIL just moved out of with her new bf), and a 1-br apt which is now the office space for my DH's business and mine. Well, in order to get the guest room up and running, I needed his help to carry the furniture upstairs... and when he was too busy to help me IMMEDIATELY, I lashed out at him. And basically, that's how every day is, just substitute the "project of the day" for the guest room set-up.

It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when he told me what I was doing. That I was ripping him apart any time he stood in the way of my completing something. I think that in my lack of professional therapy, I've become obsessed with producing things since I can't produce babies. Does that make sense? It's like I have to feel like my life has some worth, and I have to prove that worth by showing the world that I can produce these things.

Now, I was always the girl who did everything. Every club, sport, class, etc. But before infertility, my motives were pure. I did those things, and strove so high, because a) I liked doing them, and b) I always saw some greater purpose to it all (shaping me into a better person, etc.) But now? My projects and activities are all designed SOLELY to keep me occupied... I guess so that I don't have to sit around dwelling (literally) in my empty house. Instead, I can just avoid, for as long as humanly possible, thinking about how I may never have children. And if there are any "hiccups" in this plan of mine (DH), God help them, because my wrath is mighty.

All I can do now is just pray for better days. I know this has all been harder since passing the 2-Year mark (and knowing it was approaching). But if I'm in for another 2 years of this, I just can't keep living this way. I can't keep doing this to my poor DH. If you have a prayer to spare, please pray that the Holy Spirit send me some peace. Thanks.

2 comments:

allyouwhohope said...

I'm the opposite - I am completely unproductive and am happy only when sitting on the couch! Seriously though, don't be too hard on yourself. Even with God's grace, even when we are walking this journey with Him, we will still have bad days. If we try to tell ourselves that we can do this without having a bad day(s) here and there, we're lying. Just take it as it comes. When it happens to me I just try my best to not let it affect anyone else (I'm not always successful), which you have already recognized in your own life and clearly want to fix. Our husbands definitely put up with a lot, but they also don't always feel this as deeply as we do, so I expect mine to put up with mood swings now and then!

And I hope you don't have two more years of this but, as someone who is now at the four year mark (two weeks away, actually), I can say it all really starts to blend together. It seems like I was hitting the two-year mark just yesterday!

Hafsa said...

I think i know how you feel, I'm the same way when it comes to fulfillment. I almost quit the best job I've had as a preschool teacher because I thought I should go back to school and reach higher. My husband and I have started praying together (not often but enough) and somehow we've found a good road. Have you read Pope Jph Paul's encyclical on Human Suffering? It is such a great read, one of my favorites! Praying a rosary for you to just allow God's grace to come to you. I haven't exactly found peace with my not being able to produce, but I feel as if I'm getting there.