Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Breakdown

I just had a breakdown. Well, I guess I'm still in the middle of it, but I'm just not sobbing at the moment. I've been avoiding my mother's phone calls the past couple of days, but spoke to her briefly yesterday. Today she left me a message saying she's been worried about me all day since she sensed in my voice that something was wrong. Well, I just lost it. Called her back, and we spoke for an hour about all of the turmoil that has become my life as of late. One thing I haven't talked about much in this blog (since it's a blog about IF) is our finances. We are in a VERY bad place financially right now. DH is in a business with his father, so we have no actual income except for the profit that comes when jobs are signed. For the past few months, no jobs have been signed. Our savings has crumbled to the ground. And the scariest part is that summer is supposed to be their good season.

I told my mom that I can handle (maybe not successfully, but at least somewhat) one major life trauma at a time. But it seems like EVERYTHING has been going to the pooper lately. I am in a very bad place mentally, too, ever since reaching that 2 year mark. I have felt like I'm suffocating, and without knowing there's an end in sight, I feel like I'll never make it. Which is why I recently forced my husband to agree to look into adoption come 2009. But now? Things are even worse on the whole family/adoption front, because if we have to do a homestudy, no one in their right mind would approve a couple that has no money in savings or checking accounts, and no dependable income. Five months post-surgery, I have face the reality that maybe I will never have biological children. And with our financial situation, we may not be able to adopt now... or ever. So where does that leave me? In the middle of a breakdown.

My mom suggested I talk to someone who can TRULY understand what I'm feeling, and also offer sound professional advice. My last therapist (albeit short-lived) was not Catholic, and along with her snide remarks about 14 months "not being a very long time" to TTC, probably also wondered why we didn't just try artificial insemination or IVF. And priests, etc., as loving and caring as they are, don't have the medical know-how to truly give me the guidance I need right now. I suddenly remembered Sister Renee at the Pope Paul VI Institute. I seemed to remember reading and/or hearing that she counsels IF couples. I just called and left her a message, and hopefully we can speak over the phone this week. I'll let you know how it goes.

5 comments:

allyouwhohope said...

(I was going to email this to you instead of taking up so much room, but I realized I don't have your email. So I apologize ahead of time for the length!)

Oh, I am SO sorry! I just want to say that I know how you feel when everything feels like its coming crashing down on you. We have this HUGE stress in our lives (infertility) and it makes it so much harder to handle any additional stresses that come our way. There's only so much we can take! Our finances are also tight, with me not having an income and all, so I understand. As hard as it is to do, continue trusting that God will take care you. You never know what may happen; God has definitely surprised us financially when we needed it most. I will pray that He will provide you with more stability.

As for adoption, what about the adoption tax credit? I'm no expert on this, but we've looked into it a lot and if you qualify, you should get at least most of the money you spend on adoption back (as long as it's domestic, of course, and not much more than $10,000, which all of the agencies we've looked into are). You could also ask friends and relatives to help contribute as well, or find other creative ways to fund it. I've heard of people having fundraisers, or even just garage sales. I've also heard stories about how when word gets out, generous people come forward with money to help. I am confident that if God wants you to adopt, He will take care of the financial end of it. Just continue to place your trust in Him.

I'm praying for you. I hope you feel better soon.

KateB said...

We all hit the pit, at times. That's part of what it means to be human. But we pull ourselves out of it and move forward. It will pass. Take some hope in that fact that you're still in your 20s. I know it's not what you want to hear, but you have quite a few years left to continue trying. Take it from someone who is 38 and hasn't many productive years left: being in your 20s is a good thing. The most difficult part will be keeping your faith and your sanity intact. Difficult, yes, but not impossible. You'll be able to do it.

Maybe this story will help. I know of a woman who is now 7 weeks along with a good, strong pregnancy. Like me, she's in her late 30s. She was given less than a 3% chance of conceiving on her own. In fact, after many years of trying, she'd given up and was about to move on to IVF. Then her miracle happened.

Your miracle will happen, too, when you are least expecting it. Biological or adopted, you'll have your child.

You're in my thoughts.

KateB said...

I wanted to post a poem that helped me. I hope it does the same for you.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Semi-Patiently Waiting said...

Hi, I'm Andrea - I've been a silent reader for a while. I'm a local friend of allyouwhohope (we started the infertility support group together at our church).

This entry really broke my heart because I've been there and it was at about the two year point in my marriage. My husband and I have now been married five years, but he was unemployed for about twelve months during our first two years of marriage. We were attempting to do fertility testing, but he had no insurance, and we had just my Catholic school teacher's salary to survive on.

We had a span of several months in which the tears rolled with great frequency, watching our friends pop out babies while we couldn't afford to even have the testing done, let alone pay all our bills.

I can say, without a doubt, that those months were the absolute hardest my marriage has had to experience so far.

Please know that life will get better. And know that there are even strangers around the States (like me) who are praying for you.

Please email me, if you'd like: zentay@hotmail.com

I'll keep the prayers going strong for you and hubby!

Hafsa said...

Yikes! I'm sorry to hear that. I will be praying for you that you and your husband come out of this on the other end well. I know how it feels to feel like everything is coming down around you. I had a similar breakdown of my own last night (see blog). The only thing left for any of us in these situations to do is give it to God and pray as hard as you can.

In Christ,
Hafsa