So I went to the daily Mass again today. You may wonder why it's only been on Thursdays that I attend. (Should I admit that the Thursday Mass is at 12:10, as opposed to the 8:15 masses on other weekdays, and I'm too lazy to drag myself out of bed before 9:00 these days?)
I really think the homily was intended for my ears today. And if I was at all unsure, the priest made a point to keep looking over at me during it... I'm pretty sure he, too, thought I could benefit from it. The Gospel was from Matthew, about Jesus telling his disciples to bring their burdens to Him, and He would take it upon His shoulders. (For his yoke is light...) Father then spoke about how no matter what it is we are suffering from, no matter what the burden, we need to have faith in the Trust of Jesus. He added that we may not always find the outcome we had hoped for (here's where he looked at me again), but that if we trust in Jesus' ability to help us carry the burden, then at LEAST it will make the suffering easier to handle.
For so long, I've felt like I have given my burden, fully and completely, to Jesus. But after the homily, (and communion, etc.), I walked to the parking lot, got in my car, and immediately started sobbing. I have not put this in God's hands. I have not turned it over into Jesus' care. But I also don't know how to do this! How can I not worry about my future children (or lack thereof)? How can I not obsess about making my body as healthy as it can be, so that one day my growing baby will be able to grow strong and healthy? I don't know how to do this. Yes, I've taken mental "breaks" from TTC before, but that has not meant I've stopped taking my vitamins, charting, and being aware of when I ovulate so that I can be vigilante of what I eat and what I do in the 2WW. How am I supposed to stop all of this?
In the midst of crying, I also became really mad. In my prayers lately I have told God that I know now that I have no inherent right or privilege to children. I have always viewed all life as a gift, but now after 2 years of infertility, I TRULY appreciate how life comes to us from above, and it is not our wanting or willing it that creates it. But then I thought about adoption. What if we do end up finding our children through adoption? What gives the birth mothers the right to pick and choose who will parent her child? Shouldn't it be God's decision? Why does it seem that everyone else in the world DOES have some divine right to life, and to make decisions concerning life, except for me??
I don't know why I've been having such a bad few days. I've been super emotional lately, and reaching the point where the infertility is defeating me. It wouldn't be so difficult if every cycle was the same... if every month I experienced the same PMS symptoms, with nothing new, at least then my heart wouldn't still yearn for possibility. But now this month, I've been cramping since P+6 (6dpo). On and off, with no AF in sight. I never cramp this early before AF. And of course all of my online friends need to remind me of either their own pregnancies, or someone they know who cramped a week before their period and ended up being pregnant. Great. So I can't even get used to the idea that I should have had a baby at 25, and now I won't even be pregnant at 26. Nope. Instead, I'll be going back and forth, up and down, on this Hell-On-Earth roller coaster called the 2WW, because my stupid body can't do what it's supposed to do. And I'm not even talking about getting pregnant. I just wish it could at least react to the rise and fall of progesterone like a normal body.
I think I'll go float in the pool and forget how much life sucks for a while.