Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Sour Mood...

I rarely cry anymore. Ever since I reached that "better place" in this whole TTC journey. But I still do get those bouts of jealousy from time to time, not to mention bitterness towards those women who complain that they've been trying for "6 whole months!" You know the ones. Blech.

I wish it didn't have to be like this. I wish I could be genuinely happy for people when they announce their pregnancy. Most of the time (no lie), I have been. For my good friend, for example, when she got pg with her 2nd, I was very excited for her. But I think I get jealous over the ones that get pg with their FIRST before us. (That's excluding all of my internet friends who are also suffering from infertility, of course.) It especially irks me to find out that those people weren't even trying.

So we had a singing rehearsal, today, and the last member of the group aside from me who didn't have kids announced that he and his wife were expecting. I already knew this since the week before I saw her showing off her u/s picture to another friend of ours. But the part that pissed me off is that we had a short little thunderstorm while at rehearsal, and he gets a call from his wife and decides to bail out to go home to her. Why? "She's very hormonal and scared right now... you all know how it is." Um, you may want to re-phrase that, buddy. No, I don't know what early pregnancy hormonal is all about... but if you think HER hormones are whacky, try getting fertility treatments for almost 2 years!! I can guarantee you that my hCG injections, crazy progesterone and estradiol levels, and thyroid system hormones can beat her measly early pregnancy hormones any day. And if you still beg to differ, talk to my husband.

I absolutely hate feeling like this. Competitive and defensive about my fertility. It's almost like second nature these days. For example, we went on a farm field trip today, and the woman at the farm was talking about how she had been married 30 years, and she had an almost 28 yr old son, etc. etc. I immediately did the math to figure out, was this a case of waiting a year to get pg or did she TTC right after marriage and experience problems? I'm constantly comparing my fertility to others, even to people I don't know! It's insane!

I have not prayed any novenas or special request prayers in a while. I know I need to pray about this. Some days, though, all I can think about is how I am not pregnant. Today is one of those days. :(

4 comments:

allyouwhohope said...

I'm sorry to hear you're down! You always sound so upbeat, though, that it's okay to have a bad day here and there. It is SO hard to hear about people who don't have to try getting pregnant so easily.. especially people who got married around the same time as you because then you can really compare their situation to yours! And I know exactly how you feel about people who haven't tried as long as you. I know this is bad, but I always compare it to my situation and think 'they can't possibly be suffering as much as me!' when in reality, I suffered the entire time and there's no certain time period when now you are officially allowed to complain. I obviously have a lot to work on! I think we just both need to focus on the fact that we are blessed to have Creigton and PPVI and that God will bless us somehow for resisting other fertility treatments. I'm praying for you!

JellyBelly said...

we always have days where everyone in the world seems to have gotten instantly pregnant! you're not alone.

i also do the mental calculation of how long it took someone to get pregnant. there's people that we know at church and they only have one kid and i always wonder if it was by choice or by circumstance. one of the kids in my class has a brother that is 8 years younger than he is and i wonder if his parents had IF issues. the list is endless...

i agree with allyouwhohope, we're lucky to have creighton and PPVI so we at least we don't have to feel guilty about IF treatments!

Jen said...

Sorry you're having a bad day. I don't think you should feel bad for being jealous! You've worked hard and you are justified in feeling sad.

Betsy said...

I'm so sorry friend!! You are allowed to feel the way you feel. Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers! ((HUGS))!!