Friday, June 13, 2008

Gearing Up for Disappointment

So, I always try to do something a little special for myself every month, something that I wouldn't be able to do or couldn't do if I were pregnant or had children. For example, when my period shows, I'll have a drink with dinner or go out for sushi. (I used to have a few drinks. At home. By myself. And that's when I realized, whoa, Baaaad habit to get into!)

Anyway, this month I just haven't been feelin' it. The only think slightly "odd" about this cycle is that I have had sore breasts since literally the day after ovulation (P+1). The earliest I've started that symptom in the past was LAST month when I had them at P+7. And at that point, I was convinced I was pregnant. But it was low progesterone. So I can only assume there's some other-than-pregnancy related reason why they have been sore this time, too.

So, yesterday I decided to go shopping at my favorite catalogue- - the Victoria's Secret Swim Clearance! If I can't sport a pregnant belly this summer, then I'll at least sport my "body you wish you could get back but can't cuz you've popped out a kid or two already." Take that, preggos! I got a yellow bikini, a white bikini (both very cute and can also be mis-matched to wear together), a black miracle bra bikini (sometimes a girl needs a little help), and a brown one-piece miracle bra suit (ok, this girl needs help pretty much all the time). Hey, but at least my boobs are still perky and not droopy from breastfeeding! (See that, there's always a silver lining!)

Point being- I'm prepared for this cycle to end. Not like I'll be singing and dancing in the streets or anything, but at least I have my Vicki Se's package to look forward to.

In other news... so I know my Drs have advised me that my first couple cycles post-surgery would be funky... but I can't help but compare this one to the last one. First, the whole boob thing is throwing me off. Second, I had some weird post-Peak peak-type mucus last cycle and none this cycle. (Last cycle is was definately not my fertile mucus, but it was very stretchy, gummy, and yellow/cloudy). This month, only a day of 8C in the count of 3, then everything else has been a green stamp. (Not dry, mind you, but sticky pasty cloudy. I have that all the time in my post-Peak, and since it's vaginal, I've moved to green stamps for its charting.) I guess if I were looking for good signs of this cycle (which I'm NOT! My word, I gasp at the suggestion!!), then the "dry" days with only vaginal mucus is probably good... but let's not get our hopes up. After all, I want to be able to fit into the bathing suits I just spent $200 on!

As for my mood, things have been getting better, slowly but surely. Thank you, All You Who Hope, for putting things in perspective for me. Sometimes I feel like I've come so far, and then on those few bad days I feel like I literally go back to my darkest hour of infertility. I've blogged before about all of the blessings in my life, especially as they relate to my infertility and how much help and hope they have afforded me during this time of my life. Well, here is one more. All of you. Readers and fellow-bloggers, you have all been so supportive. In my short time of being part of this "blogosphere" (hey, I'm catching on to the lingo already!) you have all truly welcomed me and been such good friends. And I do consider you all friends :) So, thanks.

3 comments:

allyouwhohope said...

Well I, for one, feel like your blog has been around forever because I check it religiously and look forward to all your posts! So I'm glad you're a part of the "blogosphere"!

I also try to do something nice for myself around the beginning of a new cycle. I use to get a big sundae, but that won't be happening any more! I just think it's so important. We deserve it and it can also help to keep us sane. So enjoy your new bathing suits! Hopefully after I lose more weight I too can take advantage of my never-been-pregnant body!

Jen said...

Rock that hod bod in a new bikini! You deserve it!

I know it is hard to stay positive after so many failures, so I won't tell you to do that. But I am thinking of you and hoping your DEAD WRONG. :)

JellyBelly said...

i totally dislike the lab that i go to. every time that i go for bloodwork the technicians are always asking me how when i have to get the blood tests done and for how long. only ONE of the technicians is gentle.

i really hate going there, and it doesn't help that i'm petrified of needles.

argh.