Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Breaks for Growth

For those of you who have been around TCIE for a while (and by while, I mean close to a decade), you'll know that there were a few periods of time over the years when I would suddenly, often without warning, take breaks from writing regularly.

I wrote about one of those times here.

Now, it's time to be real with you.

I took those breaks because I NEVER wanted to write, share, and join in fellowship with my sisters in Christ and infertility without being 100% open and honest. As I intimated in that blog post above, I was *working* on things in my relationship. Now I know it was not we, but I.

Reading that old post, and remembering the other breaks I took from my blog before and after it is painful for me, now. Knowing that while trying to be honest with myself and with all of you, I was being deceived and manipulated. There was no we when it came to all of these times of hard, grueling work - work to heal not a relationship, which was not unlike many other relationships, but to heal a deeply-rooted, pre-existing, fundamental problem that was affecting every area of his life, and consequently, ours.

This may shock many of you, as I have been up to this point very secretive and what I thought was respectful towards the person with whom I shared a civil marriage.

And I do struggle with the desire to continue to love him as a brother in Christ, while no longer enabling, covering up, being sucked right into his lies and manipulation of others, and standing by watching him destroy his own life. It is a hard, and constant battle, and I just pray every hour by the hour to suffer this well, and to do all of this well.

You may have noticed I've been on a long "break" from writing regularly, once again. But this time is different. Unlike all of the times preceding this, my breaks were always intended for growth, namely marital. But they never actually produced the fruit I had intended. In many ways there was spiritual growth in those times, as I discovered more and more through the years just how much I needed to depend on God, and that the more I tried to heal something I could never heal, I was being sucked in and pulled down even deeper to a place of helplessness and rock bottom. I thought I needed to stay there. I thought there was nowhere to go but up, from rock bottom, and that it would surely come in God's time.

Then, Robbie.

And it was one thing to be committed to a life of lies, deceit, manipulation, and abuse by myself, putting only myself and my own soul at risk, as a dutiful wife or "martyr," or whatever other proud, self-loving term I could conjure up to make myself feel better about the life I was living. But, things got a bit more confusing with Robbie in the picture. Now, I was no longer sacrificing only myself. Yet still, divorce was not an option. It took another year of trying harder, trying differently, trying the same... to come to a place where divorce was still not the "answer" - but investigating the validity of the marriage was necessary. And safety and finances needed to be protected, civilly.

And so, this most recent series of breaks I've been taking from TCIE are in a much, much different vein than my previous times of solitude, of dark and hopeless despair, of surviving on and with only God. These breaks have been not for sinking further and deeper into a disease that was killing me slowly, but for what God is now doing in my life. He is allowing me to grow. He is supporting me to come up from under that rock's bottom, and start anew. I have grown more spiritually in this past year, and mostly past 4 months, than I have in the 15 years of dealing with another's illness and sins or in the 8 years of infertility and inability to adopt due to another's sins. Combined.

While, during this most recent break, I have also had moments of being anxious and worried and fearful for my and Robbie's future, I have also had more peace and more revelation than ever before.

It is a very odd thing, this God's plan for my life. Had I been given a glimpse of it at age 24, I think I would have started doing extreme sports and wrestling crocodiles ;P  But it was when I finally pushed my head out from under that rock's bottom that I thought I had to live under the remainder of my days, that God began TRULY working on my soul.

And so, I do apologize for the absenteeism. I shall return, again, for more than just glimpses at the work God has lead me to do in the realm of holistic fertility. (He also has me on a side-project starting a group in my area for others who struggle as the loved ones of those affected by the same sins and illness as Robbie's father. So, yes, He keeps me busy and the harder it gets, the more I can sense His support, love, and security.)

Until then, know that I am here, and I am growing. With Robbie. We are doing well, and we are getting better every day. All by the grace of God.

Friday, August 18, 2017

A Glimpse Back at the "Real Me"

So, I've been SO FOCUSED on business over the past year, and especially the past 5 months or so, that I have not kept up in any real capacity with blog posts. For that I apologize. I consider this world a home to me - it clothed me in acceptance and love when I was showing the cross of infertility and inadoption, and when I was terrified to reveal the results of the 'other cross', I was again met with more love and understanding than I could have ever fathomed.

This is the kind of post I would usually just put on my Private Blog, until the time is right to put out my book. (Oh, yes. A book will be coming. About that "other" cross which lead to the recent and personal events in my life.) But, here in this space, I feel safe enough to talk a *bit* more freely, in general, in an effort to re-establish that connection with the group of comers and goers who have kept this blog going... nay, kept ME going. When I thought I had given all I had to give.

And so.



How is this me? How could I have let this happen? How do I now live a life in a state of limbo?

This is what is being asked of me, in this time. As I mentioned here before, I will be petitioning the Tribunal to request that they look into the factors surrounding conditions before, leading up to, and on the wedding day. My soul has always sought Truth. I need to know the Truth, so that I know how to process all that has transpired since the wedding (11 years ago, tomorrow). I pray for an expedient answer, but I prepare for a lengthy journey ahead - of living in limbo. Not knowing. Not being able to plan, or process, or fully heal myself quite yet.

Thanks be to God, I got the final nudge I needed to get my behind into Spiritual Direction, which I began a couple months ago. The exact place I needed to be. Father V. has helped me to realize that this next year of my life needs to focus upwards, not necessarily "forward." I also have to begin shifting my loyalty and obligations from my son's father onto my relationship with God and my vocation as His daughter, and Robbie's mother.

OK, quick detour.

Have I talked about this kid, lately??

For realz, people. And he was saying, "Body of Chwist." Just, ...can't get enough of his stinking face.
Alright. Maybe around 6:45pm I can, at times, say I've had enough of his stinking face. He is 2, after all. But, I digress.

Back to Spiritual Direction. Father V. wants me to approach this limbo as a time of getting back on track with God, and thinking about it as a way to quickly become much closer to Him and His plans for me and Robbie in a year, than if I went about this any other way and wound up taking a much longer road that veered way off course. This concept came easily to me, as I was just about to finish my 12th annual Consecration to Mary - and Robbie's very special Feast Day.

OK, another digression to remind you all of this most happiest moment in my entire world:

Ack! I was so nervous!! And, as I'll discuss more in my book (wink, wink), it was both a blessing and a curse that I was blissfully unaware of conditions of the 'other cross' at this moment. Sealing it as still my happiest moment in my entire world :)

So for those who have been around for a while, or are back again after being here in my early years (I should probably apologize for early TCIE, now - blah), you know just how patient I am and how I just LOVE LOVE LOVE to wait. For you, Jesus? Anything! 

Yyyyyyyyyyeah... maybe not.

Limbo was, is, always will be my kryptonite. The limbo of not knowing - will we ever conceive? Will we ever be approved to adopt? Will we ever be allowed to foster? Will we be forever childless? Will we, will we, will we...?? It was the NOT KNOWING that absolutely ripped me to shreds and destroyed any last notion of "planning" I may have had for my life. I lived in the limbo, not always so fruitfully, often just going through the motions of a day, with apathy and lots o' fatigue.

God tried His darndest to bring me through that 8 year limbo with infertility/inadoption, IN ADDITION to the limbo of back-and-forths of the 'other cross,' in an effort to teach me patience and trust.

Clearly, I still have more to learn. 

This time, it is different circumstances, different emotions at play with a son that I need to both financially support and nurture and teach. While different, it is so eerily, and very much the same.

The waiting. The not knowing. The inability to plan ahead. The not knowing where, or with whom I belong as part of a "group" of peers. The watching of others get, have, and keep what their heart desires. Seeing others receive quick answers, quick rewards for their efforts. The prayers, ohhhhhh the prayers, that seem to go unanswered. The Saints who seemingly favor everybody else ;P The agony of wanting some kind of definition, to live out my vocation as fully as I possibly can. The complete, utter, and PAINFUL misunderstanding of others who have never personally dealt with this cross not knowing what to say, not being supportive, being unintentionally or even at times intentionally hurtful, giving crappy, or unsolicited, or anti-Catholic advice...

It is all so very much the same.

God knows this. And He knows my heart. He knows I needed a full-out complete scrubbing and purging of my pride. Infertility? Done. Flip me over, start on the other side.

Lest you think I'm oh so holy and receptive to this, let me tell you. There have been tears. There have been temptations. There have been cries and shouts and mourning and depression and anxiety.
Spiritual Direction has helped immensely. So have amazing friends - all of whom I met through this blog. That ain't no coincidence, folks.

I am a divorced Catholic woman. I am my own oxymoron. It will not define me. Instead, I choose to allow it to work its course on me and through me, so that by the time that book is ready to be released, it can be a source of hope and strength for others dealing with that secret cross even more worthy of being hidden and undisclosed than infertility. Over this next year, Lord, please work in me so that my words become Your words.

*And if it's not too much to ask... let it be a quick and speedy year?

PPS... that Webinar is totally coming. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and want it to be awesomely amazing, but at this point I may just settle for "HI, everyone! Sooo! Whatch'ya doin'??"

Monday, July 3, 2017

Holistic Fertility Options - FREE LIVE WEBINAR!

I am gearing up to host my very first LIVE (and free!) Webinar on truly holistic, comprehensive and individualized fertility and health options for couples.

I would love your feedback on what are your greatest needs at this time, so I can cater the webinar FOR YOU!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I'll update here with the Webinar dates, be on the lookout this summer!