Thursday, April 24, 2014

Infertility Awareness Week 2014

Infertility Awareness Week, 2014: A Catholic Perspective 

One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

This week, April 20 – 26, 2014 is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.

If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey

The Experience of Infertility

In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility.  At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile”.

As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility”; by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”

We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our childlessness (primary infertility) or small family (secondary infertility) makes us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully. Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.

Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.

One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins – with cramps and bleeding and tears – we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.

Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass on the second Sunday in May will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.

·         Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.
·         Do not make assumptions about anything - not the size of a family or whether or not a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.
·         Do not offer advice such as “just relax," “you should adopt," “try this medical option or that medical option” – or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.
·         Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a call and should be discerned by every married couple. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.
·         Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the “real” answer. Often times we answer, “OK” because that’s the easy, “safe” answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this the tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.
·         Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint’s intercession. Most likely we’ve prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercession on our behalf.
·         Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say "no, thank you" to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.
·         Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be patient and kind if we don’t respond immediately, attend your baby shower or don’t “Like” all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.
·         Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in a conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.
·         Do not ask when we are going to “start a family” (we started one the day we got married).
·         Do not ask which one of us is the “problem” – we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.
·         Do not say things like "I know you'll be parents some day," or "It will happen, I know it will!" Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds, please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.
·         Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here on earth or in heaven, we will see and understand God’s plan.


Bloggers who contributed to this article (those with an * have children after primary infertility or are experiencing secondary infertility. They are marked as such so that if you aren’t up for possibly seeing baby/child pictures today, you can meet them on a day when you are, but please do take the time to go and visit them.):

Mary Beth @ Grace of Adoption                        

There is also a “Secret” Facebook group with over 150 members who contributed to this article as well. For more information or to join the group, email Rebecca at

Monday, April 14, 2014

Back Up, and On the Horse

So, in a bit of a funk last week, I went in for my adjustment with the chiropractor, and, surprise, surprise, she mentioned my belly.

I'm pretty sure I let out an audible sigh.  She asked if I noticed if my belly felt more "full" after my last adjustment, since she's been working on it.  I said, come to think of it, yes, I feel pretty bloated!  Then I continued to say, "I know my belly is weak... "  And her response is exactly why I love her.  She stopped me, looked right in my eyes, and said,

"No, it's strong!  You have a ton of energy here.  All the work you've been doing for yourself is helping, and my job is just to help that strong energy flow better to all the other areas of your body."

I could feel the tears welling up.  Then she went on,

"The energy I feel in your belly feels like a baby, to me."  (She does a lot of adjustments for pregnant women.)

Mind you, she wasn't feeling my uterus.  It wasn't about that.  She knew what she was saying, and I knew what she was saying.  It clicked.  The energy is there, it's alive and well, it's strong... and I need to nurture it.

I'm pretty sure a tear or two escaped onto my cheek.

Suddenly, my entire outlook changed.  If there *were* a baby inside of me, wouldn't I nurture my body, helping the baby's body to grow and flourish?  And yet, with no one else but ME inside this body (my "self"), I have been so quick to dismiss the nurturing necessary for my own growth, in more ways than one.  I am so quick to think negatively towards my body, placing unrealistic expectations upon it, without backing those expectations up with the support it needs.  What my body needs, like a baby, is patience, love, and nurturing.

And so where I was once headed towards another dark time of lost hope, lost identity, lost connection of body and mind, I have decided to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again :)

(PS.  I heart Fred and Ginger.  Especially this movie - Swing Time.  Everyone remembers Ginger's dress from Top Hat with the feathers, but the dress she wears later in this movie is what inspired my wedding gown.  OK, I may as well share that link, too - I LOVE this dance number!)

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Sense of Self

Lately, I've been experiencing a bit of an existential... crisis is the wrong word, it's more of a reflection, really.

It began when my "Dream Team" of healthcare providers, the Massage therapist, the Naturopath, and the Chiropractor, all made comments, independently of each other, regarding my gut, my center, my solar plexus chakra, or whatever you'd like to call my belly.  I've known for a long time that my body and mind are intrinsically connected, and that when I feel physically unwell, my mind suffers as a result, and when I am worried (or, ahem, have CHRONIC stress), my body suffers.  So it was no surprise to me to hear them all say that my belly is "weak."

But, what it means is a little more daunting.

My belly, the most vulnerable part of the body, the part a dog attacks on another dog when they intend to kill, the part that is quite literally at the center of the rest of the body, both a source of energy, but also a receiver or energy for and from the entire body- is weak.  This center is associated with the core - a sense of self, in its most vulnerable and aware state.   A proclamation to the rest of your body (and mind), and a foundation to build upon from the inside out.

And mine?  Is weak.

Self esteem, individuality, self-worth, self confidence, personal authority, I am

When I asked the massage therapist what I could do to help this weak center, she replied, "You are doing all of the 'self-care' a person could be doing... but I just wonder... maybe the 'care' is there, but the 'self' is not.  Perhaps you need to get back in touch with who you are, what you enjoy doing, find yourself, again."

Later that week, the chiropractor showed me how my spine was so extremely curvy that my center suffered as a result, and that she suspected I was the type of person who "leaned" and "bent" for others my whole life.

I had always considered myself to have a strong sense of self, a strong sense of right and wrong, and a strong sense of awareness.  But hearing this, letting it sink in, and then embarking upon my existential "reflection," I had to admit that I had lost myself over these past 8 years or so.  I spent a lot of time grasping for self-definition over the next few days, and it hit me all at once, like a hundred empty uteri:

I am a (childless) mother.

It's no wonder I have a difficult time recognizing my self, what with the parenthetical identity, and all.  But it didn't take long, after my discovery, to realize that I knew this all along.  I wasn't wrong about my sense of self, my sense of right and wrong, my sense of awareness - I have known that I was meant to be "A Good Mother" since the time I was in grade school, and I have known it all throughout my marriage, too.  And, I have been just that.  It was the strength that I lacked.  The strength to actually admit to myself, and to others, that I identified myself as a mother.  I mean, really, that would have to be some IMMENSE strength to be able to say, out loud... to people... with ears,... "I am a mother!"  I do imagine the follow-up question would be along the lines of, "How many children do you have?" for which the reply would require not only massive strength, but massive testicles,  "Oh... none!"

Seriously?  Nahggonnahappen.

And so, instead, I have convinced others through the years that my SELF is someone else, a woman without children, content to be so, and while I'm at it, how can I help YOU to become what I secretly already identify myself as?
And somewhere along the way, I not only convinced everyone else... I convinced myself, too.  And, I lost my self.

I'm not quite sure where I go from here.  I'm not sure how to regain that strength of self, or how to nurture this oft-neglected identity.  I do know that a good mother is born from a good wife, and have been truly committed to making my marriage healthy and fruitful.  But I also know that I often feel resentful to be working so hard, 7 days per week, when I'd much rather be filling the role of Nurturer for our family - I do enjoy my job, but I would love to work because I want to, and not because I feel that I need to, and furthermore, because I have "no excuse" not to.  My self has been stuffed away and hidden all of these years because I have assumed so many responsibilities that have not nurtured it.  I need to regain a healthy balance.

But I'm not sure how.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Nativity Stones

I received a beautiful gift recently.  In fact, I have been receiving beautiful gifts from the most unexpected sources at the most unexpected times for years, now.  This blog has been a blessing in so many ways, and this is just one more example.

The recent gift was this gorgeous cross necklace, with an authentic stone from the birthplace of Christ inside of it!!  How amazing is that?!

I was beyond moved to receive this gift in the mail, directly from The Nativity Stones store, with well-wishes and prayers.  To have a piece of something that was present at the birth of Christ, so close to your heart... the thought overwhelms me.  And perhaps it will continue to bring blessings to my life :)

If you'd like one of your own, here is a special coupon for Easter:
30% Off + Free shipping coupon : EASTER2014